OS Dads I need your help

[Happy29]

Re: OS Dads I need your help

I want to thank all of you for your help and input, you have really helped me and I am in agreement that 13 is probably a more suitable age. I hope you guys understand why I come here to ask this question, as I feel I can be honest with all of you and be given some good advice. OS is like a big family so I am thankful for the help.

[kodiak]

Re: OS Dads I need your help

Almost same situation as yours so here is my story.

My wife(23 at the time) had a son(3yrs old) and was 2 months pregnant when I met her. The son is special needs(deaf, ADHD among other things) She was going through divorce and her ex was a horrible person that really paid no mind to her or him. By the time the baby came(healthy baby girl), the divorce was final. I'm the only dad she has known as I was there from delivery, and our son, now 13 by age but only around 6-7 mentally, only really knows me as a dad as well. For him, we don't think telling him will make much difference as he may never truly understand it. As for our daughter who is now 10, we will explain things to her around 13-14 yrs old, if we do tell her. It's hard to decide because of how bad their biological father is. He's in prison right now for a felony.

Props to you man as I know what you're going through. Remember, anyone can be a dad but it takes a real man to be a father.

[JBH3]

Happy, very respectable and noble of you to be so caring and open. Like others I appreciate you stepping up and taking care of that child. That is a very good thing.

I would agree that you need to tell him, and I think @ 9 the age may be perfect. Once they get into their teens and adolesence phase they will by nature be more rebellious, emotional, etc because of all the changes their body is going through due to puberty.

If your instinct is to address this, you should trust that and not 2nd guess yourself.

Explain to you son that he IS your son and will always be that in your life, and that you can only hope/pray that he will always see you as his father. It will be natural for him to want to possibly see his real dad one day, and he may want a relationship with him. This should be encouraged if that man is of no harm physically to him. If his biological dad rejects him again, then he will truly know who his father is. It may be tough and a long process, but I think it is a necessary one. Withholding that knowledge and his biological dad trying to one day come back into his life or your son finding out through other channels may break his trust in you.

[Happy29]

Re: OS Dads I need your help

Happy, very respectable and noble of you to be so caring and open. Like others I appreciate you stepping up and taking care of that child. That is a very good thing.

I would agree that you need to tell him, and I think @ 9 the age may be perfect. Once they get into their teens and adolesence phase they will by nature be more rebellious, emotional, etc because of all the changes their body is going through due to puberty.

If your instinct is to address this, you should trust that and not 2nd guess yourself.

Explain to you son that he IS your son and will always be that in your life, and that you can only hope/pray that he will always see you as his father. It will be natural for him to want to possibly see his real dad one day, and he may want a relationship with him. This should be encouraged if that man is of no harm physically to him. If his biological dad rejects him again, then he will truly know who his father is. It may be tough and a long process, but I think it is a necessary one. Withholding that knowledge and his biological dad trying to one day come back into his life or your son finding out through other channels may break his trust in you.

Yeah that's all the many different things I am struggling with in my mind. I'm discussing things with my wife and praying about it and also plan on speaking with my pastor on this issue. There are so many variables involved in this it could be so easy to do the wrong thing.

[canes21]

Re: OS Dads I need your help

I almost feel 9 is too young, but I also feel being a teenager myself, but a young adult(haha, just wanted to say that for some reason) that the teen years could be trouble. I think telling him at 12 or 13 could lead to some rebellious behavior which is definitely not good, but I think at 9, he might not comprehend everything. It's a really tough situation. If you feel he is mature and will probably be a good teenage kid, then those years could work, but it's hard for you to even really know what type of teen he'll be.

The way I see it, you tell him now, he might not understand it all, but he will over time and by the time he is a teen, he'll understand most of it, and should realize what all you've done for him and still see you as a dad because you've definitely been one for him. If you wait until he is a teen, he'll understand it, but it could also trigger something that will cause him to be a bit rebellious, which is not good at all.

[buckeye02]

Re: OS Dads I need your help

I was in the same situation as your kid. My mother ended up telling me the story when i was 13. My step dad at the time didn't come into ourlives until i was about 2.

I can't remember ever asking any questions about it. After i was told, my relationship with my dad (technically step dad) didnt change at all. But they were divorced when i was 14. Now i have 2 dads that i have no idea where they are.

My mother has remarried for the 3rd time to a great man and is happier than ever.

[Happy29]

Re: OS Dads I need your help

I will throw this out there about my son he is very smart, like a genius smart. He is in the third grade and the lowest number grade he has ever brought home is a 94, he is in a gifted program at school for smart children and is the smartest one in that class and reads on an eleventh grade level. So I don't think he would have a hard time comprehending what we tell him. I do worry about his trying to comprehend why someone would never want to love him and do something like this to him and his mom. Hell I'm 35 and have a hard time comprehending how people can be so heartless.

[DIESEL]

Re: OS Dads I need your help

I don't know man. This is a tough one.

On the 1 hand a smart 9 year old can understand the basic concept, but this could lead to other questions like "How do you make a baby?". It just might be a road a 9 yr old doesn't need to go down.

On the other hand you're a lot less likely to get the dramatic teenage "I hate you!". A lot of kids can't stand their parents already as a teenager and something like this may add fuel to a fire.

The main thing that concerned me was when you talked about the grandparents. You obviously don't want a third party let something this important get out.

With that being said It's your call. If this is something you think about everyday and it's adding stress to your life I think it's best to just get it over with.

Whatever you decide I wish you luck and commend you for being a "real" father. In the end I'm sure your son will realize how lucky he is to have you.

[Happy29]

I don't know man. This is a tough one.

On the 1 hand a smart 9 year old can understand the basic concept, but this could lead to other questions like "How do you make a baby?". It just might be a road a 9 yr old doesn't need to go down.

On the other hand you're a lot less likely to get the dramatic teenage "I hate you!". A lot of kids can't stand their parents already as a teenager and something like this may add fuel to a fire.

The main thing that concerned me was when you talked about the grandparents. You obviously don't want a third party let something this important get out.

With that being said It's your call. If this is something you think about everyday and it's adding stress to your life I think it's best to just get it over with.

Whatever you decide I wish you luck and commend you for being a "real" father. In the end I'm sure your son will realize how lucky he is to have you.

Thank you, I don't think he'll ever be the kind of kid that will be full blown rebellious or I hate you. He is very kind hearted and willing to give without any thought of reward. Last week his school was having a fundraiser for new computers he had over $50 saved up for a new DS game or 2 instead he donated all the money he had to the school. I was very proud of him for that and his willingness to give. I have decided to try and wait at least another year or 2 if at all possible. My biggest obstacle is my wife's step dad who has it out for me and does things to try and make me look bad while painting himself in a good light.


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[55]

Re: OS Dads I need your help

I don't know your son personally so I cannot, in good faith, recommend a precise age as to when you should tell him the truth. All I can tell you is that you absolutely, positively, 100% do have to tell him at some point.

Think about it this way. You say he is a smart kid and a lot of people have knowledge of the situation. That only means one thing: that he is going to find out one day no matter what. My advice is that it would be much better for him, emotionally speaking, to find out from you than from somebody else.

In closing, you don't want to tell him while he is too young to fully understand what the term "biological father" means, but you don't want to wait too long for him to find out from someone else first.

[Happy29]

Re: OS Dads I need your help

I don't know your son personally so I cannot, in good faith, recommend a precise age as to when you should tell him the truth. All I can tell you is that you absolutely, positively, 100% do have to tell him at some point.

Think about it this way. You say he is a smart kid and a lot of people have knowledge of the situation. That only means one thing: that he is going to find out one day no matter what. My advice is that it would be much better for him, emotionally speaking, to find out from you than from somebody else.

In closing, you don't want to tell him while he is too young to fully understand what the term "biological father" means, but you don't want to wait too long for him to find out from someone else first.

You're right, and you can see how overwhelming and difficult this situation is.