What would you do? Family/Money issues.

[heelphreak]

Re: What would you do? Family/Money issues.

Tough situation. This person needs a 12 step program, not a loan from you. Don't do it. People don't change unless they're motivated. Enabling kills motivation.

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[WazzuRC]

Re: What would you do? Family/Money issues.

To add something at least a little constructive, help them with something if they're willing to help themselves. Offer to sign them up to attend a financial management program of some kind (Dave Ramsey's program, etc).

If they're truly serious about getting out of the hole they've dug for themselves, this is the kind of thing that could actually make a difference, not someone bailing them out yet again.

This x1000%. Don't give them a dime. If you truly want to figure out some way to help them, offer to provide them a service such as, like Snepp said, some financial management program. That way, you aren't just throwing money at them and if they don't take it, you know they were never serious and you can just cut them off completely.

[GAMEC0CK2002]

Re: What would you do? Family/Money issues.

It's family but it's not your burden to keep bailing them out. If you "lend" them more money, just realize up front that you'll likely never see that money again.

If it were me, I'd show some tough love. Let them reach rock bottom and hope that it wakes them up to the consequences of poor financial decision making.

People that keep getting bailed out never really learn from their mistakes.

[Trevytrev11]

Re: What would you do? Family/Money issues.

My wife and I had a long talk about this and decided that we would abstain from helping out. However the parents decided they would lend them the money and were very clear that if it was not repaid that this would burn bridges between the two. For obvious reasons, I was not involved in the decision, which is completely understandable.

My thoughts are that they have now been majorly bailed out three times and have never truly hit rock bottom. They are in their mid 30's and refuse to grow up and take responsibility for their actions and continue to just make poor choices.

With all that being said, if it was my kid in this position, I cannot say that wouldn't do the same. I hope that I never am put in that position. I know if would handle it differently, but I can't blame them for helping out their own kids.

I appreciate everyone pitching in and found it interesting that everyone was pretty much on the same page. I am glad that there is a place to go to ask these tough questions and get sincere answers from quality folks. Thanks again everyone.

[12]

Re: What would you do? Family/Money issues.

Used car lot to buy them a cheap "reliable" under 2k car. Let them deal with the consequences of losing the other car. Consider the price of the car a write off especially if you can make it a 2k bill versus 5k. You will cost yourself more in worry and stress if you expect to ever see it paid back.



You will have provided for the transportation needs at half of what you were expecting to pay and can hold your head high knowing you "did the right thing" and helped them. Doing so at a "discount" allows you to feel that you have done so on your own terms and will make it easier to swallow when/if you don't get paid back. You also aren't enabling as much as helping fill a need. So you can feel better on that side too.



Everything in their name because you don't want any blow back if that car ends up involved in an accident or crime(since drugs may be involved).

Best advice in here, IMO.

I commend you for your willingness to help them. That says a lot about you as a man.

[Clemsonpanther]

Re: What would you do? Family/Money issues.

No at this point too many blown chances. Someimes people have got to learn the hard way.....

[mgoblue]

Re: What would you do? Family/Money issues.

My wife and I had a long talk about this and decided that we would abstain from helping out. However the parents decided they would lend them the money and were very clear that if it was not repaid that this would burn bridges between the two. For obvious reasons, I was not involved in the decision, which is completely understandable.

My thoughts are that they have now been majorly bailed out three times and have never truly hit rock bottom. They are in their mid 30's and refuse to grow up and take responsibility for their actions and continue to just make poor choices.

With all that being said, if it was my kid in this position, I cannot say that wouldn't do the same. I hope that I never am put in that position. I know if would handle it differently, but I can't blame them for helping out their own kids.

I appreciate everyone pitching in and found it interesting that everyone was pretty much on the same page. I am glad that there is a place to go to ask these tough questions and get sincere answers from quality folks. Thanks again everyone.

I could see myself doing what their parents are doing, but I'm glad you came to your decision for you.

If I were the parent I'd have a hard line, "this is it" mentality. For you though it's just not smart for you to take away from your family when they haven't proven to be trustworthy. Once burned twice shy.

Hope they can learn to be more responsible though. I can't imagine not being responsible for my actions. I've had to have my parents help me out before (when getting a car), but I paid them back in 2 years with payments and didn't miss a single payment. It's one thing to screw up (we all do at times and need help), but they're just way beyond that.

[Trevytrev11]

Re: What would you do? Family/Money issues.

I could see myself doing what their parents are doing, but I'm glad you came to your decision for you.

If I were the parent I'd have a hard line, "this is it" mentality. For you though it's just not smart for you to take away from your family when they haven't proven to be trustworthy. Once burned twice shy.

Hope they can learn to be more responsible though. I can't imagine not being responsible for my actions. I've had to have my parents help me out before (when getting a car), but I paid them back in 2 years with payments and didn't miss a single payment. It's one thing to screw up (we all do at times and need help), but they're just way beyond that.

Agreed. It's also one thing when you are in your early 20's, just out of school and learning how the world works. Completely different when you are 35 with three kids and you continue to make these decisions.

In talking to my wife, it appears their mentality goes something like this.

I owe $500 for my car payment, but only have $100. So since I can't afford the car payment, I just won't make it this month and instead I'll spend $100 on something like a tablet.

Unfortunately, they also have too much "pride" to make anyone aware of the problem until it's too late. They could have brought this problem up a month ago and they would have likely only had to ask for 1/3 or less of what they need now.

I have also volunteered to help them set up a monthly budget so that they can figure out how to budget their money and effectively pay their bills. Not sure if it will stick, but figure it is worth a shot.

[slickdtc]

What would you do? Family/Money issues.

I feel like you shouldn't need to learn how to budget your money when you're in your mid-30s with children.

I've got bills now and that's my first concern. If that means its PB&J sandwiches for a week, that's what it takes. You miss one payment, you miss another, and it snowballs until you feel suffocated. It can take months to get out of a hole because bills don't stop, they will continue to pile up.

Some people just don't get it. You've got kids and you're closer to 40 then you are to 20, it's probably too late. You've lived a certain way for so long. People have to be accountable for themselves.

Too much pride my ***. It's called they're scared to be called out on their behavior because they don't want to face it. No one wants to ask for money, but they've done it in the past. Where was the pride then? It's just a nice way of sugar coating it. I'm sure you understand that, but for the sake of argument, probably just let the rest of the family attach any acceptable term to their behavior.

I can not imagine putting not only myself through such crap, but my significant other AND kids? How can you call yourself an adult, a husband, a father, or a man? There are tough times, and there is being a loser. Sounds like the latter for that portion of your family. Sucks man. I feel for the kids.

[Gotmadskillzson]

Re: What would you do? Family/Money issues.

I just want to know if they have public transportation where they live. If so, they can easily let go of one of those cars. You don't need 2 cars to raise a family.

[Trevytrev11]

Re: What would you do? Family/Money issues.

I feel like you shouldn't need to learn how to budget your money when you're in your mid-30s with children.

I've got bills now and that's my first concern. If that means its PB&J sandwiches for a week, that's what it takes. You miss one payment, you miss another, and it snowballs until you feel suffocated. It can take months to get out of a hole because bills don't stop, they will continue to pile up.

Some people just don't get it. You've got kids and you're closer to 40 then you are to 20, it's probably too late. You've lived a certain way for so long. People have to be accountable for themselves.

Too much pride my ***. It's called they're scared to be called out on their behavior because they don't want to face it. No one wants to ask for money, but they've done it in the past. Where was the pride then? It's just a nice way of sugar coating it. I'm sure you understand that, but for the sake of argument, probably just let the rest of the family attach any acceptable term to their behavior.

I can not imagine putting not only myself through such crap, but my significant other AND kids? How can you call yourself an adult, a husband, a father, or a man? There are tough times, and there is being a loser. Sounds like the latter for that portion of your family. Sucks man. I feel for the kids.

Can't argue with a thing you said. I'm completely under the impression that the only reason they ever came out and told anyone they were hooked on pills is because they needed money, no doubt it my mind. If they made enough to support their habit, they would have never even broke down and told anyone. Like you said, they dug themselves into an almost insurmountable hole and are now on round three of "serious" borrowing.

What sucks is that this is someone who used to be one of my best friends prior to all of this. We used to do a ton of stuff together and now I really don't even want to be around him. Nothing in common. Different goals and aspirations and our lives are just headed in two different directions. Every conversation is about how the world is against him. Like they don't even realize they created all of this themselves. Then they get called out and they admit it, but I can tell they don't believe it.

[Trevytrev11]

Re: What would you do? Family/Money issues.

I just want to know if they have public transportation where they live. If so, they can easily let go of one of those cars. You don't need 2 cars to raise a family.

I'm not sure to be honest. He works in sales on the complete opposite end of the city and needs his car to drive and make his sales appointments. That leaves his wife at home for 10 hours a day. They have one daughter in school (not sure if they are on a bus route) and as I mentioned the middle daughter has a serious disease that requires semi-frequent trips to a hospital probably 15 miles from the house. They also have an infant. I'm not saying public transportation couldn't work, but I'm not even sure its an option given their proximity situation.

[mgoblue]

Re: What would you do? Family/Money issues.

I'm not sure to be honest. He works in sales on the complete opposite end of the city and needs his car to drive and make his sales appointments. That leaves his wife at home for 10 hours a day. They have one daughter in school (not sure if they are on a bus route) and as I mentioned the middle daughter has a serious disease that requires semi-frequent trips to a hospital probably 15 miles from the house. They also have an infant. I'm not saying public transportation couldn't work, but I'm not even sure its an option given their proximity situation.

Yeah, especially if it's primarily buses. No way my wife and I could get to work and stuff here without cars. It'd take me 2 hours (rather than the 20-30 it takes me to drive)....

Some people are just bad with money too. My in-laws both spend whatever they have (they're now divorced). Now my MIL works part time to help pay the bills but doesn't have the "retired" life she'd want.

[Guru03]

Re: What would you do? Family/Money issues.

Cut them off and refuse to give them any further financial assistance.

[billmatic]

Re: What would you do? Family/Money issues.

If you want to pay for something, pay for some damn condoms. Having a 3rd kid in their situation is criminal.