In need of advice

[Bmore]

I really hate to start another relationship advice thread, but I feel that my situation is different than most.

I started dating this girl about 5 months ago. We've know each other for close to 10 years, but were never really close. We used to hangout with the same crowd at local bars in our early 20's. We chatted on FB every once in a while after that, but that was about it.

This past January I sent her a message on FB to see how she was doing. We ended up talking a lot and decided to start dating in February. She accepted all the baggage that I came with. I'm in a wheelchair due to Muscular Dystrophy. So obviously there are certain things I need help with, or just can't physically do. She's been very supportive and willing to do anything to help me.

About 2 months ago she went to the doctor for a routine check-up. The check-up didn't go so well and a bunch of tests were done and sent off to various doctors. We found out that she had cancer. She went to see a bunch of different doctors for 2nd, 3rd, and 4th opinions. The opinions ranged from "it's nothing too serious", to "there's nothing we can do for you. You're going to die". She was eventually diagnosed with stage 3 cervical cancer that had spread to her uterus.

3 weeks ago she went in for surgery. Not to get too technical, but she ended up having a partial hysterectomy. The surgery went well, but obviously removing lady parts can mess up your hormones pretty bad. We were getting through everything fine. We knew things would be different.

Now here's where I'm in need of advice. This past weekend we got to hangout Saturday night and for a little bit on Sunday morning. Everything seemed fine. Until Monday morning. We were planning to do something and all of a sudden she started going off on me. Saying I haven't been there for her through all of this, how I'm pushing her away. Obviously I was a little shocked. I mean I know I was emotional at times, but I think anyone would be in that situation. I was alway by her side either physically or emotionally.

Now she barely talks to me. She'll call me in the morning before work, but that's it. She doesn't want to hangout, she doesn't respond to my texts most of the time. I don't know if it's because she can't physically help me or what. I know she's going through a lot of changes right now, but she's basically pushing me away.

Should I be concerned that there's something more going on? Or am I just overreacting?

[wwharton]

Re: In need of advice

You should be concerned but I don't know what you can do. It will come to a head at some point but you can't read her mind so you really just have to wait. I assume you want it all to work out so I would keep being supportive and keep trying to reach out.

[GAMEC0CK2002]

Re: In need of advice

Like already mentioned, just be supportive and realize that she is dealing with A LOT right now. You are right to be concerned though, IMO. Does her family a good support system or is she trying to do this alone?


Good luck. Hope her cancer treatment is fully successful.

[Cusefan]

Re: In need of advice

send her some flowers at work

[Bmore]

Re: In need of advice

Like already mentioned, just be supportive and realize that she is dealing with A LOT right now. You are right to be concerned though, IMO. Does her family a good support system or is she trying to do this alone?


Good luck. Hope her cancer treatment is fully successful.

Her family is kind of odd. They're not very affectionate people. She's told me her has only told her he loved her a handful of times in 30 years. Unfortunately he's dying from heart failure. Her mom is the type of person where nothing my gf has done has ever been good enough. She's been living on her own since she was 16. So it's not the family situation when you need support.

Her doctors are 99% sure that they got everything. It's a long road to recovery though.

[GAMEC0CK2002]

Re: In need of advice

Her family is kind of odd. They're not very affectionate people. She's told me her has only told her he loved her a handful of times in 30 years. Unfortunately he's dying from heart failure. Her mom is the type of person where nothing my gf has done has ever been good enough. She's been living on her own since she was 16. So it's not the family situation when you need support.

Her doctors are 99% sure that they got everything. It's a long road to recovery though.

Gotcha. Great news on the medical side of things. I had a brain tumor removed back in 1994 and the doctors were 99% sure they got it all.....I'm still here. The day to day recovery was slow though, especially with the radiation treatments.

Just as long as she knows you still love and care for her, it makes all the difference.

[Bmore]

Re: In need of advice

Pretty crazy update:

The day after I posted this I noticed that she changed her relationship status on fb. She removed my name, but it still says she's in a relationship. Obviously I'm going to question that. She claimed that she was hacked. I knew it was fishy, but wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt because she's never done anything to make me doubt her.

So things went back to somewhat normal. She called every morning and after work like she always did. Telling me she loved every time we got off the phone. Even letting me talk to her kids on FaceTime.

Today is where it went south. She called me in the morning and around 2 p.m. Everything seemed fine. She posted a FB status and I made a funny comment. 10 minutes later my comment is no longer there. I asked her if the comment bothered her and she played dumb. Asking me what comment and all that. She then tells me again that her FB is being hacked.

I called her out on everything. The relationship status and the deleted comment. I didn't accuse her of anything, but I did tell her that I thought it was fishy. You have so many friends on FB, and yet only the stuff I post is getting "hacked".

As this fight progressed, she told me that we haven't been in a relationship since last Monday. This was obviously news to me. Not once during our conversations over the past 2 weeks has she said that we weren't together. Why would you continue to call someone every single day if you're not in a relationship with them? Even when I questioned the FB thing she didn't say anything about us not being together.

Basically she was playing a game and lost. I did ask her if we had any chance of working things out. 1. because I really do love her, 2. because there are kids involved. Her son is very attached to me. She said: "there's no chance if you keep acting like this". I said fine I have some things at your house and I need my iPhone back. She started screaming and telling me that I'm petty and she can't believe that I would ask for stuff back with all she's going through. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to continue to pay for a phone for someone that I'm not in a relationship with. I let her borrow it because she dropped hers in the toilet.

So right now it seems like things are over. We were both pretty heated so I'm sure will have at least 1 more talk when we both calm down.

[WTF]

Re: In need of advice

That stinks man. I have no real advice, I'll keep you all in my thoughts though. It's even worse when kids are involved. Keep your head up.

[Bmore]

Re: In need of advice

It sucks, but it is what it is. My main concern is the kids. They're awesome and I would hate to see them get hurt over this.

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[kingkilla56]

Re: In need of advice

There is alot of stuff going on here and I wouldnt know how to advise you. Maybe you guys can use therapy, and she especially for dealing with the changes in her body and mind from her hysterectomy. None of us can imagine what she is going through on that level.

I hope things work out for you her and the kids for the better.

[Fresh Tendrils]

Re: In need of advice

Honestly, I would just give her space. I would think going through everything she's going through is going to shake her foundation quite a bit. Some people like pulling people close while others would rather tackle problems by themselves.

It sucks, but its really all you can do at this point.

[wwharton]

Re: In need of advice

Honestly, I would just give her space. I would think going through everything she's going through is going to shake her foundation quite a bit. Some people like pulling people close while others would rather tackle problems by themselves.

It sucks, but its really all you can do at this point.

Yep, I agree...



... but I'd get my phone back too.

[GAMEC0CK2002]

Re: In need of advice

Well that sucks. I went through a similar situation with my ex. She wanted some space, but the word "break up" or "broken up" were never mentioned. We talked/text every day...then I went on her facebook page and it said her status was single. I took it the exact same way you did. Pretty shady to announce that to the whole world except to the person it affects the most and supposedly somebody you love.

We ended up working that out and stayed together for another year. Our relationship was never the same going forward. She's now married to some other dude with a kid.

Hope your story has a happy ending, but lying and being manipulative are HUGE RED FLAGS regardless of the extenuating circumstances.

[Bmore]

Re: In need of advice

Well this is over. Found out a little while ago that she's been seeing another guy. Yet she has still been calling me everyday.

At this point I'm questioning a lot of what she has told me. Stuff just doesn't add up. I think she might even be lying about how sick she was.

Oh well. Thanks for all the support and advice.

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[kingkilla56]

Re: In need of advice

The facebook status change with no explaination was a dead giveaway but I wanted to hold out hope for you. Oh well now you can move on and find someone better to share your life with.