Online Dating is a Catch 22

[longshadow11]

I've met some nice women online I never would have met otherwise. Gone on some great dates and thought we would likely go out again. However, they often lose interest and I see they are back online looking for that perfect man - or their curiosity gets the best of them and they can't help but see who else may be out there. Top be honest, my ego has taken a bit of a beating thanks to online dating. I am a little older, approaching 50, but in good shape and every woman I've dated has said something along the lines of "how can you possibly be single?" Then they disappear - haha! I've noticed where I live there are tons of young, fit men - big air force base here - and not that many women who take care of themselves. Competition is pretty fierce.

Anyway, the tool which is helping me get dates is also taking them away! Just an observation.

[mattsb84]

Re: Online Dating is a Catch 22

The tool is just that. Its a mechanism to get your foot in the door as well as narrowing the field to people that you should, in theory, get a long with. More so than say a random person in a bar.

Not sure I understand the catch 22 reference really. Sounds like online dating is working as intended, you just havent met the right person as of yet. Just gotta keep at it till you find someone equally interested in you. It does become a bit of a grind, but as a guy, you're not really on a biological timer per se, particularly if you've taken care of yourself, so you can take a break from it if it gets old (or expensive).

[longshadow11]

Re: Online Dating is a Catch 22

Catch 22 might not be the best reference. Just saying the mechanism which gets me some dates is the same mechanism which pulls them away.

[Blzer]

Re: Online Dating is a Catch 22

I don't like the idea of online dating only because you're either forced to make it work or not. Kind of like those Bachelor/Bachelorette shows; besides ratings purposes, all of one gender are kind of forced to like that one other person if they want to win or that's it.

I think that's why the person I ultimately marry will be somebody I've been friends with for a long time. Our romantic relationship would grow naturally. I'm not saying love can't occur any other way, but to me a relationship isn't based on making it work, but rather just it working.

[Jr.]

Re: Online Dating is a Catch 22

I don't like the idea of online dating only because you're either forced to make it work or not. Kind of like those Bachelor/Bachelorette shows; besides ratings purposes, all of one gender are kind of forced to like that one other person if they want to win or that's it.

I think that's why the person I ultimately marry will be somebody I've been friends with for a long time. Our romantic relationship would grow naturally. I'm not saying love can't occur any other way, but to me a relationship isn't based on making it work, but rather just it working.

That seems counterintuitive to me. Because there are so many options online, I'd think you'd be more likely to just let things happen because you can find someone else pretty easily.

Whereas finding someone else through more traditional means has fewer options so you'd be more likely to try hard to make it work.

[Blzer]

Re: Online Dating is a Catch 22

That seems counterintuitive to me. Because there are so many options online, I'd think you'd be more likely to just let things happen because you can find someone else pretty easily.

Whereas finding someone else through more traditional means has fewer options so you'd be more likely to try hard to make it work.

Depends on what kind of rush you're in, I suppose. My first serious girlfriend was somebody who I hung out with often in large groups or individually, talked with a lot on AIM (I'm talking 12 years ago here haha), we watched baseball games together and I saw many of her softball games, and one thing led to another before we kind of just hit it off and declared each other as a couple.

I mean, if I find somebody through Match.com and we meet up, we'll ask each other about our interest, laugh at each other's jokes, I'll pay for dinner, maybe some other things happen that night, and we may or may not meet up again. Regardless, I went into that date that night with one thing in mind: intending to date again. I'm trying to have someone be my girlfriend before they are even my friend. I am already judging them in ways that I otherwise wouldn't try to or care about, and we are both trying to overly impress each other and hide our faults/imperfections.

That last part is important. You and I have both seen Good Will Hunting, and know how idiosyncrasies are the best "good stuff" things you can get out of a relationship. Understanding someone else when no one else would and admiring that about them is something that I don't think I could really get out of trying to be perfect for somebody else for so long.

I'm not speaking poorly on dating sites at all (in fact, I know several married folks who met that way and they are perfectly happy), and frankly I can't speak too much about it because I'm currently single and have never been married. However, the implications for which people are motivated for using those sites in the first place seems like it would create a haven that is solely created through force and not at all by circumstance.

[Jr.]

Re: Online Dating is a Catch 22

Depends on what kind of rush you're in, I suppose. My first serious girlfriend was somebody who I hung out with often in large groups or individually, talked with a lot on AIM (I'm talking 12 years ago here haha), we watched baseball games together and I saw many of her softball games, and one thing led to another before we kind of just hit it off and declared each other as a couple.

I mean, if I find somebody through Match.com and we meet up, we'll ask each other about our interest, laugh at each other's jokes, I'll pay for dinner, maybe some other things happen that night, and we may or may not meet up again. Regardless, I went into that date that night with one thing in mind: intending to date again. I'm trying to have someone be my girlfriend before they are even my friend. I am already judging them in ways that I otherwise wouldn't try to or care about, and we are both trying to overly impress each other and hide our faults/imperfections.

That last part is important. You and I have both seen Good Will Hunting, and know how idiosyncrasies are the best "good stuff" things you can get out of a relationship. Understanding someone else when no one else would and admiring that about them is something that I don't think I could really get out of trying to be perfect for somebody else for so long.

I'm not speaking poorly on dating sites at all (in fact, I know several married folks who met that way and they are perfectly happy), and frankly I can't speak too much about it because I'm currently single and have never been married. However, the implications for which people are motivated for using those sites in the first place seems like it would create a haven that is solely created through force and not at all by circumstance.

Yeah I can see that side. If you're doing online dating, you're likely looking for something serious and might press too much to make it happen.

[Majingir]

Re: Online Dating is a Catch 22

Online dating is kinda forced,but time saver too. At least you know the person is compatible on paper with you. Real life it's based on looks first and personality second. I've never done that, but I've always been intrigued at what the results would actually be because I'm kinda picky when it comes to people in general I like being around, let alone something like this. If online algorithms can somehow figure out who likes the extensive list of stuff I do, and their thoughts on certain tv shows, sports, activities, dogs, food, social conventions and so on, then go ahead.

[PhilliesFan13]

Re: Online Dating is a Catch 22

I think it's different for everyone. Some have success in online dating. Others are better with meeting someone the traditional way. I had tried online dating in the summer of 2008. Hung out with a few people but it never really went anywhere other than a date or two. I met my wife on Match.com back in the Fall of 2008. Hit it off instantly. I hadn't even been on there a week. Been together 9 years this month and married for 7 years this coming Sunday.

So many different online options to try. Give each one a bit of time. You never know who could walk into your life be it online or in person.

Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk

[longshadow11]

Re: Online Dating is a Catch 22

All forms of dating are challenging when you're 50! I've met a ton of women online, but most live in the DFW area about two to three hours away. The pool here is shallow - small city with a military base = tons of men, not a lot of available women. This leads to trying a little too hard when you meet one of the few attractive, available women in this town.

[NDAlum]

Re: Online Dating is a Catch 22

It's a never ending cycle of having a better option come along.

If at any point a person is ghosting you they have a better option in play. If that falls through they might come back or might not.

It goes both ways.


Sent from my iPhone using Operation Sports

[longshadow11]

Re: Online Dating is a Catch 22

You're right, and being on the receiving end of her ghosting and moving on with a better option SUCKS! You're wondering "what do I not have?" that some other dude does. It's a never ending cycle of you hurting them or them hurting you until you hopefully find the right one. Hurting women's feelings didn't matter as much in college because they had ample time and opportunities to move on. Almost all of the women I've dated have already been hurt - I hate to add to their pain.

[longshadow11]

Re: Online Dating is a Catch 22

Crap - I know nobody cares but gotta get it off my chest somewhere - I went out with a woman I liked a lot - I mean a LOT - and she indicated she was really into me as well. Then she sort of ghosted on me a bit, then I got a message last night that I'm too old for her. I turn 50 next week. Won't lie, the message hurt. She's an absolute angel but deep down I knew I could never get her.

About 9 years ago I had a long thread on here about my wife leaving me for another man, talked about the court battle for my girls, and even talked about meeting another woman and marrying her. And then learning she's bipolar and drove my oldest daughter out of the house and started in on my youngest - so I was forced to divorce her. No woman is worth losing my kids. So the past 2 and a half years of dating have been hard - it's rare I meet a woman I think is someone I can eventually trust and introduce to my daughters. I sort of let my imagination get the best of me with this last one - so when she gave me the boot it hit hard. Even an old man like me wants to find love. Never had it.

[Blzer]

Re: Online Dating is a Catch 22

Crap - I know nobody cares but gotta get it off my chest somewhere - I went out with a woman I liked a lot - I mean a LOT - and she indicated she was really into me as well. Then she sort of ghosted on me a bit, then I got a message last night that I'm too old for her. I turn 50 next week. Won't lie, the message hurt. She's an absolute angel but deep down I knew I could never get her.

Sounds like outside forces got to her. So sorry to hear.

[NDAlum]

Re: Online Dating is a Catch 22

You're right, and being on the receiving end of her ghosting and moving on with a better option SUCKS! You're wondering "what do I not have?" that some other dude does. It's a never ending cycle of you hurting them or them hurting you until you hopefully find the right one. Hurting women's feelings didn't matter as much in college because they had ample time and opportunities to move on. Almost all of the women I've dated have already been hurt - I hate to add to their pain.

When I first got into online dating I had a date or two with this girl, she even stayed the night. She talked about how I needed to come her place and everything and she ghosted me lol

Then like 3 months later she hit me up to hang out

I politely declined

All I have to say is: I've done it to them too so I can't get mad. I've accepted it as a new normal.