When you realize you're not all that

[longshadow11]

Re: When you realize you're not all that

I think you might be trying too hard to equal or pass the looks of your exes.

Sometimes, nice and stable out last and out perform the exes.

I've been guilty of this. Ex was off the charts hot. And off the charts crazy. I dated another woman who was even prettier, and she was even crazier - faked her own death. I'm working on clearing all this mess out of my mind.

I hadn't realized until now that when I met my ex I was 41 and she was 34. I'm 50 now, so it's unlikely I'm going to date a 34 year old. And women in their 40s do not look like women in their 30s and I'm gonna have to accept it. However, is it asking too much for a woman to work out and be in decent shape?

[SmashMan]

Re: When you realize you're not all that

However, is it asking too much for a woman to work out and be in decent shape?

This, I can't go along with, sorry man. Feels like you're going to get stuck down a rabbit hole of asking yourself "is it asking too much for...?" questions. All I can really say is don't let perfect be the enemy of good.

For now it sounds like you'd do well continuing what you've been doing with just taking time to focus on yourself. Things will come together after that.

[woodjer]

Re: When you realize you're not all that

So I'm just going to be honest with my opinion here. I don't know you at all and maybe I'm way off. If so, I apologize in advance if I offend you but since you seem to be looking for thoughts...

In your OP, you said something about women your age only caring about money but, from the sounds of it, you only care about physical appearance. If you've dated 30-40 women over 3 years, you've given each of them an average of about one month to get to know them, and that's if you go right from one to the next (which is probably part of your issue, if that's the case). Maybe I'm old-fashioned but that doesn't sound realistic to me, especially if you're not taking time to evaluate why it didn't work before moving on to the next. Also, I don't know how big your city/town is but I wouldn't be surprised if, at that rate, you do have some sort of "player" reputation to overcome.

I hope you understand that I'm not trying to judge or lecture you. As I always tell my kids, "you do you." Marriage isn't for everyone and I'm not telling you to settle for something that you're not happy with. You deserve happiness (everyone does) but maybe that doesn't necessarily equate to having the hottest woman on your arm. Or, if it does, you might need to readjust your expectations...maybe serious long-term relationships aren't in the cards for you or maybe it's going to be a while in-between them.

Again, I don't know you and this isn't to say that you're not a nice guy. I just thought I'd point out that you're likely missing out on some great people if you're limiting yourself entirely to great-looking women. And maybe you're not...but I haven't read anything that convinces me otherwise.

[longshadow11]

Re: When you realize you're not all that

So I'm just going to be honest with my opinion here. I don't know you at all and maybe I'm way off. If so, I apologize in advance if I offend you but since you seem to be looking for thoughts...

In your OP, you said something about women your age only caring about money but, from the sounds of it, you only care about physical appearance. If you've dated 30-40 women over 3 years, you've given each of them an average of about one month to get to know them, and that's if you go right from one to the next (which is probably part of your issue, if that's the case). Maybe I'm old-fashioned but that doesn't sound realistic to me, especially if you're not taking time to evaluate why it didn't work before moving on to the next. Also, I don't know how big your city/town is but I wouldn't be surprised if, at that rate, you do have some sort of "player" reputation to overcome.

I hope you understand that I'm not trying to judge or lecture you. As I always tell my kids, "you do you." Marriage isn't for everyone and I'm not telling you to settle for something that you're not happy with. You deserve happiness (everyone does) but maybe that doesn't necessarily equate to having the hottest woman on your arm. Or, if it does, you might need to readjust your expectations...maybe serious long-term relationships aren't in the cards for you or maybe it's going to be a while in-between them.

Again, I don't know you and this isn't to say that you're not a nice guy. I just thought I'd point out that you're likely missing out on some great people if you're limiting yourself entirely to great-looking women. And maybe you're not...but I haven't read anything that convinces me otherwise.

No doubt you are correct. However, and I think I wrote this, a number of the women have not been interested in me.

I absolutely agree I am a little too focused on looks and I'm working on that. That is what brought about this whole thread. I went out with a woman I thought was ok looking but I like her personality - and she ended up not being interested in me. So I came to the realization I am not the catch I thought I was. This whole thing is me being honest and I figured I would get called out on some stuff - and I appreciate it.

[woodjer]

Re: When you realize you're not all that

No doubt you are correct. However, and I think I wrote this, a number of the women have not been interested in me.

I absolutely agree I am a little too focused on looks and I'm working on that. That is what brought about this whole thread. I went out with a woman I thought was ok looking but I like her personality - and she ended up not being interested in me. So I came to the realization I am not the catch I thought I was. This whole thing is me being honest and I figured I would get called out on some stuff - and I appreciate it.

Thanks for being open to it. I was fully prepared for you to get defensive and go on the attack. Really, I appreciate it.

And, you're right, you did mention that they weren't interested in you. Sorry for not acknowledging that. Maybe part of that is, at the ages you're thinking, they kinda know that having kids is out (or don't care about that) so the "fun stuff" isn't worth much more than a night or two so good looks aren't the big factor that they may have been when they were younger, at least in terms of a long-term relationship.

[longshadow11]

Re: When you realize you're not all that

Thanks for being open to it. I was fully prepared for you to get defensive and go on the attack. Really, I appreciate it.

And, you're right, you did mention that they weren't interested in you. Sorry for not acknowledging that. Maybe part of that is, at the ages you're thinking, they kinda know that having kids is out (or don't care about that) so the "fun stuff" isn't worth much more than a night or two so good looks aren't the big factor that they may have been when they were younger, at least in terms of a long-term relationship.

I'm trying to be honest with myself and open to how I'm wrong. No doubt, at all, I am a little shallow. But not in all areas. I do want a woman who works out. I work out a lot and watch what I eat, so I want the same in my woman. I know if I get with someone who would rather eat than go to the gym, she will influence me to do the same, and I do not want to get back to being fat.

I realize a person can become incredibly attractive once you get to know them. Online dating has really skewed my vision and I think made many of us, men and women, much more shallow than we are. Swipe right on hotties, left on anyone who isn't photogenic. It's a shame and I know many people who have lost a lot of confidence due to online dating. Myself included. I've shown up to dates and had fairly attractive women tell me straight up they were not into me, and I've had much more attractive women not able to keep their hands off. It's crazy and impossible to figure out. But I do know if I am blessed with a good one who likes me, I want to be a good man and treat her right and not be all messed up from so many bad experiences.

I appreciate everyone's input and I am not afraid to be called out. I expect I have some lingering issues from my last marriage. I took her and her sons in and cared for them - one of her sons is autistic and very hard to live with at times. People with great character all the way down to my shallowest of friends all told me she was insane and to get away from her - even my buddies who thought she was the hottest woman in town. I learned you can lose your desire for even the best looking women when they are flat out mean. I'm a sentimental person and tend to remember the good times with her and when I run into her, man does she look good. And I sure do miss her sons. But my daughters told me they couldn't live with her anymore and I found out some bad things that were going on when I wasn't home.

I love women and I love being married. I think I'm a little worried I'm too broken for anyone to want me. I hope I can get it together - I'm getting old! I figure the best thing I can do is be honest and listen to constructive criticism.

[roadman]

Re: When you realize you're not all that

The last thing I try do with anyone is judge a book by it's cover.

I know people who have lived long lives that have abused their bodies with cigarettes and alcohol. So, in some cases, it's what is inside your DNA that is more important.

It's been my experiences that men and women who think they look like God's gift of whatever they are full of, aren't always the sharpest tools in the shed and think highly of themselves.

I'd rather settle with someone that has more inner beauty(good personality, compatible interest) vs outer beauty and not worry how people perceive me on the outside and stay far away from the people above. Anyone that loves their own body over any other qualities that they may have just doesn't cut it for me.

My advice is that it is time to stop comparing 1 & 2 vs all the others you date from here on out. Stay in your own lane and don't worry what others are thinking and comparing this one from that one.

No two people are alike, inside and outside.

Good luck in the future.

[mgoblue]

Re: When you realize you're not all that

If all you're getting are the hot/crazy ones then the hot/awesome ones may already be taken or not as into you. Not being mean, but just being honest. Might be one reason past exes didn't work out....put that too high and overlook the other stuff that ends up causing problems.

You probably need a larger city though, smaller town dating is rough from what I hear.

[Phobia]

Re: When you realize you're not all that

You seem to value the entirely wrong attributes for a long-term relationship. I say this because most threads I've seen you create has to do with a woman/women & you continually make a point to "point out how hot she is". Looks don't mean much, sure you need to find the person attractive (that doesn't mean solely physical) but it won't matter if your perception of beauty is flawed from the start.

You seem more focused on the superficial side, gaining value in yourself by the woman you have next to you, valuing them on how tight their body is, rather than the character they represent, etc. When it comes to long-term success, there is plenty of things that come into play but #1 is having a deep emotional connection. Human's have a fantastic bull**** detector and we can pick up the most subtle cues that someone isn't invested for the right reasons (looks, money, status, etc). I'd bet a lot of these women who you claim are not interested in you, are moving on because their bull**** detector told them something wasn't right. No woman is unattractive to a man who keeps in shape, eats health, lives an active lifestyle, etc. but they will be turned off by shallow desires. Young or superficial women won't have the same values, so their desires will line up more with what you seem to find importance in. This will lead to a less than meaningful connection (you find more crazy too lol) and easier to distance yourself from (month to month) but it won't have any keeping power for a long-term relationship.

It's critical that your honest in what you want. Do you want a good-looking piece who is good in bed or do you want a long-term relationship to finish out your life with? Neither is right or wrong but if you're not honest with yourself you will continue to chase your own tail.

I'll say this, if you want looks & status keep chugging away, something might stick at some point. If you realize you want something with more substance, then I feel it's only fitting to surround yourself with more substance. Go do charity work at a children hospital, get involved in a good cause like cancer walks, etc. Strengthening your character base will only make you more attractive, plus it has the added benefit of drawing in women who value those qualities. Those same women are more grounded in what really matters with our time on this earth and will have a much more stable view of a relationship.

Spoiler

A young 30 something who cares more about how good her selfies look is fine for a fun evening only

It sounds corny, but my wife is my best friend (Just made 13 years). We cut up, laugh at stupid crap, make fools of ourselves for each others enjoyment, we don't take ourselves to serious, etc but most of all we BOTH know we each value the right things from the relationship. This is our relationship in a nutshell lol

https://www.facebook.com/jesselozano/posts/10208796380651970

Like many of the others have said, I obviously know nothing about you other than what is written here. I might be 100 miles wide of left field, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt .

[longshadow11]

Re: When you realize you're not all that

I most definitely have areas to improve. Including character.

You know, there isn't anyone who thinks my ex wife is as great looking as I do. I thought she was gorgeous because I loved her. Still do. I know a couple of women have picked up on that. I would love to still be married to her, but it's very complicated. Breaks my heart every time I bump into her.

Probably a dumb thread for me to start. My family and friends tell me I beat myself up too much, and I opened myself up to it here. But if I get one piece of advice that makes me a better man, then it's worth it. And I've gotten some good advice. Thanks guys.

[Nature_Boy]

Re: When you realize you're not all that

I turned 50 this year. Single. I've always had women, but lately there has been a bit of a slowdown and I'm finding women I'm not all that interested in aren't interested in me either! I'm not attracting women who are close to as attractive as my exes. Realizing you're not as good looking as you thought is hard when you're single, especially when you're 50! Haha! Lately I have become the strikeout king! I know women don't care about looks nearly as much as we do, but they do care about confidence. Many single men my age derive confidence from making a great salary, but I'm a teacher. I do lawns on the side, but let's get real - if you don't make 6 figures at my age, you're not impressing anyone.

[b\One of the surprises is that women in their 20s and early 30s are much sweeter and more into the idea of love than those in their late 30s and up.[/b] Slightly older women are very much concerned with money. I was dating a woman in her 50s who straight up told me I didn't make enough money for her and she ended it. At least she was honest.

I workout a lot and guys, not girls, tell me I look great for my age. You would think at 50 I would have cracked the code, but as I have aged I have become more confused with what women want. Other than money. I know I sound jaded, but I have dated 30 to 40 women over the last 3 years, and almost every single one of them has told me about the rich ex boyfriend who got away.

So what's the point of this? I don't know - just a guy who had confidence but the dating scene has kicked my butt. Maybe some of you have words of wisdom. I'm sure I'm like most of the men on here - I'm not a player and would love to meet the right woman. But I'm starting to think it's not gonna happen, so I'm quitting the whole thing and focusing on fixing up my house, traveling to places I want to see(alone), and saving money.

Go the younger woman route. Older women have tend to be very bitter, have too much baggage and are just looking for a Sugar Daddy to keep them up.