[bjf1377]

So I've reverted to being more of a lurker around here for the last couple years, but I wanted to chime in here because it feels good to vent sometimes. That and I think it's nice to ignore the stigmas around mental health issues.

Thanks to some bad genetics, I wound up with the depression and anxiety my mom & sister have. I didn't really realize it until 2006, I think (I was 20 then). Over the years I've gotten to the point where I've become very aware of my issues and when they flare up, which is a blessing and a curse. I've been on and off medication, I've been hospitalized (voluntarily) twice, and over time, realized that I was probably dealing with this as a child, but I just wasn't aware of it or didn't know what it was.

Lately, however, I've become increasingly scared about what my concussion history is doing to my brain. Between the ages of 14-28, I suffered at least 8 concussions that I'm aware of. It's been gradual, but I've noticed myself going downhill mentally over time. I was a 4.0 student in HS and got a lot of scholarship offers. Move ahead 5 or 6 years and I dropped out of college. I can't focus long enough to read anything longer than a basic article on a website. My short term memory is terrible. I've dealt with a handful of different issues with my head (cluster headaches, dizziness, etc). Worst of all (in my opinion) is the new levels of depression & anxiety hit.

I've actually gotten to the point where I consider what I'm dealing with now to be totally different from my depression & anxiety because it doesn't seem to work in correlation with either of them. The first part of it is just that little voice in my head telling me to hurt/kill myself. I can be perfectly fine, and actually be in a decent mood, but in my head, this dark thought keeps popping up. Honestly at this point, I don't freak out when I get suicidal thoughts because I'm used to them, but the randomness of these one wear me down over the course of a day or two and cause me to eventually have a breakdown. It's a new "demon" for me that I haven't learned how to handle yet, so it's frustrating.

The second part that freaks me out are the thoughts I have of hurting other people. I'm a big teddy bear and not one to enjoy violence. Hell, I've only ever thrown 2 punches in my life (and both were damn good, might I add). But with this latest "demon", I'll occasionally start thinking about just beating the living hell out of various people, or worse if I were to get really suicidal. These thoughts really bug me cause it's just not who I am. This is the blessing part about being self aware because I know that I could never do something like this, but I just can't stop the thoughts from popping up.

This is all why I get freaked out when you hear about athletes that have had CTE that have committed suicide, and the handful that have snapped and tried to hurt others before killing themselves. I see the similarities in what happened to them and what I feel is starting to creep into my head. I can't tell you how many times I've just wanted to run off and leave my wife and my family so they don't have to see me go downhill. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday and I know I want to bring up CTE and I want to have him send me to a neurologist, but there's a large part of me that thinks I probably won't go see my doctor and I'll put off seeing the neurologist some more because I don't want to find out that I'm more broken than I already am. It sucks. It honestly does. And I know I have had an easier life than a lot of people, and I should be happy, but with genetics and everything else, it all becomes relative.

If you made it this far, and you're still worried about talking to people about your issues, always remember what one of my psychologists said: Anxiety & depression are illnesses. People talk about other health issues freely all the time, so you shouldn't treat mental health any differently. The more people you talk to, the more you'll realize have issues similar to yours.

Sorry for the long post