[Nunyerbiz]

From: Lerma, Curt ([email protected])
To: Nonek, Reinhold ([email protected])

Subject: Scouting budget request

Coach,
Your full first name is Reinhold? No wonder you go by Rusty.

Back to the topic at hand, I have reviewed your request for $140,000 CAD to hire a professional scouting consultant for our team. While a very reasonable request, we unfortunately do not have the funds in the budget at this time. We hope to rectify this in future seasons. Thankfully, teams from the Power 5 conferences have been filling my voice mail with scheduling requests. Turns out these teams will pay big money to have a team of much, much lower ability play them on their field. This allows them to pad their stats and inflate their egos while filling their fanbases with unrealistic expectations of future success. While an obvious con job, these situations are financial honeypots for broke programs like Niagara. Maybe not as appealing for our players, but that’s a sacrifice I am willing to make as Athletic Director. Once we see how the financials for this season play out, we can revisit additions to the staff.

That said, it is my job to put you in the best possible position to win … without spending any money. So, I have found a consultant who will work for free, my 24-year-old son Tanner. Now hear me out… You might think he is lacking on qualifications. But he does have a degree in mathematics from Cornell. He is a bit of an odd egg and can’t seem to find any full-time employment… he still lives in his childhood bedroom. He won’t even move into the basement, and we’ve asked him. He spends most of his time in his room surfing the web, studying math or reading spy novels… I never thought we’d have anything in common until I introduced him to football a few years ago. He absolutely loves sports statistics and has become a big fan of the Madden video games. He’s also made me a back-to-back champion of my fantasy football league!

So to get his pasty butt out of the house, I made him attend every Rhino practice all summer long. (He was the shifty looking, slightly overweight guy with the scraggly beard who always wore a beanie and moonboots even if it was 90 degrees outside.) He went ahead and converted your entire team into “Madden abilities”. He says this is the most accurate way to judge football talent and that the system was devised by a group of MIT trained mathematicians at the EA Sports Laboratories buried deep within Mount Rushmore. According to him, this report is as flawless as humanly possible, just like the super geniuses employed by EA Sports.

I am handing over the laptop to him now, he will be adding his notes from here on out. See you on Monday.