Welcome to the introductory press conference for coach Dave Tovarich, who has been hired by the Dartmouth Big Green.
Tovarich: I'm just as shocked as you I've been hired. It's all a bit confusing. I'm not big on talking for no reason, so I'll just open it up to media questions.
Reporter: As far as I can tell, you have no experience whatsoever, so why do you think you were hired?
Tovarich: Yeah, it's pretty baffling isn't it? I last coached a freshman high school team with my roommate while I was in college at Arizona State, and I don't even think we won much. My guess is that this is the Ivy League, so no one really gives a damn if we win or not. Someone's just obligated to hire a basketball coach. I see the average attendance last season was 756 so I mean, who knows, maybe the school views the basketball arena as a quiet place for students to get some homework done since the library is probably more crowded. I assume the standards are pretty low. Maybe they just randomly pulled out an application.
Reporter: What kind of a schedule do you plan on putting together?
Tovarich: The easiest one humanly possible.
Reporter: Aren't you going to schedule some paycheck games and get some quality opponents to get the team ready?
Tovarich: No, money doesn't exist to me. I don't see the paycheck for the school if I go play Syracuse. I don't even know how much I make. Money may as well not even exist in my universe. It's important to get to 10 wins and a winning record and maybe 20 wins if we can so I can build my reputation as a coach. And get the team ready for what? The Ivy League? They're all just as bad as we are. We're not going to play anyone unless we accidentally run into someone in a tournament because we're not anyone either so why should we? Whatever you learn from losing to Syracuse can be learned when we lose to some other equally bad team. And we will.
Reporter: Did you just trash the quality of your team?
Tovarich: Pretty much, there's a reason they just went 9 games under .500
Reporter: How do you think your team is going to feel about that?
Tovarich: In 10 years when they're all astrophysicists or astronauts or genetic engineers or whatever, I don't think they'll care what their basketball coach said about their basketball talent.
Reporter: Are you always going to be so brutally honest?
Tovarich: Just make sure you properly convey the sarcasm. I don't want to have to sit here and do the cliche "that was taken out of context" yadda yadda yadda.
Reporter: Ummm, ok, so what style of play can we expect?
Tovarich: We'll start with the UCLA high post on offense, lots of 3's most likely because we don't see to have much going on down low. Man on man defense mostly, we'll mix in a just a little 1-3-1 zone here and there.
Reporter: Who will your assistants be?
Tovarich: Like the school did with me, I may as well just have picked some random names out of a pile. Slim pickings really. I hired Andrew Malone since he was the best scout available, although that's not saying much. Some guy named Magnus Moran will also assist me in recruiting mostly. Once the game starts, they'll just sit quietly on the bench and hold my clipboard or get me a cup of water because they're pretty much useless. They're lucky they even have a job really.
Reporter: What will the roster look like this season?
Tovarich: I like to keep just 10 active players if I can and hockey sub in the B team when the starters need a break. Usually I'd get it down to 10 with RS's but I'm only RS'ing my 3rd string PG. RS'ing most of them was pointless really because no one on this roster has much in the way of potential anyway, so they're not going ever be good enough to contribute. The sooner I can free up some scholarships and get some talent in here the better. So (looks down at paper) some guys named Graebler, Mathis, Weeden and Ware have been cut. I thank them for their contributions to the team, whatever those even were. Ronnie Dixon will RS just in case there's an injury and he can be plugged into the B team.
Reporter: You have 2 scholarships available
Tovarich: (interrupting) Isn't that stupid? I just cut 3 scholarship players, and yet I can't use them yet? Why not? Someone explain that! I have to wait another year to use them? Come on NCAA!
Reporter: ...so what positions will be your priority in recruiting?
Tovarich: Oh yeah, I guess I should let you finish huh? Definitely one big guy, preferably a C, but a big PF if I can get a quality one. Then just whoever the best available player is. Someone always falls through the cracks and I'll just pounce on the best player possible because anyone really is an improvement.