Due to the horrific injuries of star players such as Derrick Rose and Andrew Bynum, the league has decided to shorten the season to 29 games of six minutes each to promote player health and safety. This decision has sparked a flurry of, mostly negative, public remarks by faces around the NBA. The always outspoken and cocky Dwight Howard tweeted: "This s*** is cray how long til we required to wear helmets and pads too??? LOL" However not all players think this is such a bad choice. Richard Hamilton, who has suffered several injuries throughout his career called the move a brilliant one. "Now D-Rose can play more games and I can ride the bench but get paid like a starter!" exclaimed Hamilton via Twitter. However most players do not side with Rip and he has recently acquired the title "League's Biggest *****"
In other news three teams hired new general managers. First, the Boston Celtics hired self-proclaimed Boston-***** Garrett Zobel as manager. This hiring was puzzling so we went to both the Celtics front office and Zobel himself for comment. "I think we've changed him," said Boston owner Lucky the Leprechaun. "He seems excited to work with us and I think we'll have him eating clam chowda by next week." Zobel was also stunned about the hiring. "Honestly I was hammered when I put in my application, I think I said something like my favorite team is the team I manage and the team playing the Celtics. Well, now win or lose my favorite team comes out on top!" The future of this franchise seems uncertain, and with a roster populated by dinosaurs such as Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce, the road will be tough for Boston faithful.
Second, the Denver Nuggets hired Justin Wall. Justin came to the Nuggets after being rejected by the Milwaukee Bucks. "After the Bucks turned me down I vowed to get as close to Peyton Manning as possible. The front office loved me since I lied through my teeth about keeping the roster the same as it has been, and I got the job. Ever since I've been hanging out in Papa Johns and thinking about who to trade our draft picks to." Wall said at a press conference yesterday. George Karl is also excited to work with him saying: "The dude is really gnarly. Do people still say that? We're going to have a great season man. It will be far out..." Karl appeared to have bloodshot eyes and slowed mental processes, but when a reporter asked what was wrong Karl snapped back, "This s*** is legal now. I smoke what I want." It should be interesting to see what happens in Denver with these changes.
Finally, the Dallas Mavericks hired Tim Hying as general manager. This was a total shock to the NBA community. When asked why he hired him, Maverick's owner Mark Cuban replied, "I was blitzed out of my mind. I bet Tim he couldn't beat me in beer pong. When he crushed me I had to run naked around the building and give him whatever he wanted. So I set up the dinner date with Dirk's wife and let him take complete control of the team." Hying was ecstatic he won the game. "I've liked the Mav's for a while and now I can finally get rid of that overpaid jerk Vince Carter." There are rumors that in order to get the job, Hying slipped a pill into Cuban's beer, but these have not been confirmed to this point. Dallas fans seem excited by the prospect of a new owner. Says one fan, "Anyone who can out drink Cuban must be a superhero of some kind." The Mav's may just need a superhero to get them into the playoffs in the grueling Western Conference.