Long Term Relationship Poll

[MacroGuru]

Originally Posted by RedKingGold

Probably a tangent, and apologize for the same, but I do believe that having parents/grandparents who were married until death, and then marrying someone whose parents/grandparents were also married until death, makes it more likely that the married couple will stay together until death.

Obviously, this is not an always/never proposition. My dad was married for 2 1/2 years, got divorced, then met my mother and have been together for 35+ years. Nevertheless, it just seems logical to me that there would be some kind of correlation between parents who remain married and their kids who remain married.

I agree here.

My grandparents (dads side) celebrated their 70th. All my aunts and uncles have been married for long periods of time. My dad has been the black sheep and is on wife #3, however it seems he found the right fit and they have been together for 14 years.

My moms side my grandparents were married for over 50. However I would like to say drugs and alcohol have played a major role in all my aunts and uncles here. 1 of them is still married. The rest are divorced or remarried.

I always tried to do what my grandparents did, fix the issue but to me with my ex, she grew up in a family that hid from the issue and never confronted it, hence why I am no longer with her.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Drake

If you're putting more work into your relationship than you're getting rewards out of it, chances are you've married a dumbass

... or that she did

Sorry, felt like that joke HAD to be made.

My actual initial reaction was "or that you were a dumbass to get married in the first place"

[Blackadar]

Originally Posted by CU Tiger

For me I've made the committment to not walk out until my kids are out of the house, and that determination keeps me coming home every day. But if I am honest if I came home to find her and all her stuff gone, so long as my kids were with me I wouldn't shed a tear.

Just an observation on this point:

My wife's parents did this for years - "stay together for the kids". My F-I-L finally moved out right after my wife went to college. Needless to say, the kids grew up in a household with lots of yelling, accusations, recriminations and other nasty stuff. Staying together was a bad decision for everyone and the kids would have been far better off had they divorced when the marriage stopped working. At least they would have had a calm home situation and wouldn't have had to walk on eggshells constantly because their parents couldn't stand each other and did a poor job of pretending everything was ok. Hell, by the time my FIL left the marriage, my MIL was getting pretty psychotic. What a friggin' nightmare and the ramifications of their decision to try to stick it out are still being felt today.

I'm not saying your situation is the same, but it's something to consider.

[britrock88]

Originally Posted by Blackadar

Just an observation on this point:

My wife's parents did this for years - "stay together for the kids". My F-I-L finally moved out right after my wife went to college. Needless to say, the kids grew up in a household with lots of yelling, accusations, recriminations and other nasty stuff. Staying together was a bad decision for everyone and the kids would have been far better off had they divorced when the marriage stopped working. At least they would have had a calm home situation and wouldn't have had to walk on eggshells constantly because their parents couldn't stand each other and did a poor job of pretending everything was ok. Hell, by the time my FIL left the marriage, my MIL was getting pretty psychotic. What a friggin' nightmare and the ramifications of their decision to try to stick it out are still being felt today.

I'm not saying your situation is the same, but it's something to consider.

My childhood. I'll second the comment.

[CU Tiger]

Originally Posted by Blackadar

Just an observation on this point:

My wife's parents did this for years - "stay together for the kids". My F-I-L finally moved out right after my wife went to college. Needless to say, the kids grew up in a household with lots of yelling, accusations, recriminations and other nasty stuff. Staying together was a bad decision for everyone and the kids would have been far better off had they divorced when the marriage stopped working. At least they would have had a calm home situation and wouldn't have had to walk on eggshells constantly because their parents couldn't stand each other and did a poor job of pretending everything was ok. Hell, by the time my FIL left the marriage, my MIL was getting pretty psychotic. What a friggin' nightmare and the ramifications of their decision to try to stick it out are still being felt today.

I'm not saying your situation is the same, but it's something to consider.

Point taken and I am monitoring this very point.
We agreed long ago we never fight or agrue in front of the kids.
In fact, we really dont fight ever. Its not a conentious dislike its just more apathy. I'm not excited of the proposition of my wife coming home and I am pretty sure she feels the same.

If she moved out tomorrow it would neither be celebration nor heartbreak just more of a ok, whats next. Like a TV burning out or a vacuum cleaner needing to be replaced, and thats a shitty way to view a spouse and not at all how it should be in my eyes.

[path12]

Originally Posted by CU Tiger

Point taken and I am monitoring this very point.
We agreed long ago we never fight or agrue in front of the kids.
In fact, we really dont fight ever. Its not a conentious dislike its just more apathy. I'm not excited of the proposition of my wife coming home and I am pretty sure she feels the same.

If she moved out tomorrow it would neither be celebration nor heartbreak just more of a ok, whats next. Like a TV burning out or a vacuum cleaner needing to be replaced, and thats a shitty way to view a spouse and not at all how it should be in my eyes.

Strikes me that apathy can be as damaging as fighting when modeling a relationship for children. That is not meant to be a dig, just an observation from a stranger who knows nothing about your situation but what you wrote.

[Marc Vaughan]

Originally Posted by Blackadar

Just an observation on this point:

Out of interest - do you have kids? ... if so would you be happy raising them 'part-time' with another person who might have views you don't approve of raising them the rest of the time? ...

Thats basically what you're opening up if you divorce, I have lots of friends who have 'improved' their lot by divorcing, however their kids are totally screwed up - not only has their foundation of security been dismantled but other the parenting rules in each household differ (and can be played off against each other) but a divorce often isn't the 'end' of bickering and the kids are caught in the middle as referees without any potential for cover.

(just to give a devils advocate position)

[Desnudo]

Originally Posted by CU Tiger

Been with my wife for 20 years married for 14 of them.
We met and started young. (We are 35 &37 currently for context).

The first 15 years were autopilot easy. We both liked the same stuff mostly, liked the same friends and when we had an occsional different taste we were each cool staying behind while the other went to that particular concert/game/friend party etc.

Over the last 5 years it has went full on full time job. In retrospect I sold my business (at least in part) thinking the increased time together would "fix us"

It did anything but.
I went back to work to get out of the house and away.

We've both made our mistakes...and have tried to work through them. My mom has been married many times(I dont know the exact number) her mom has been married 5 times. So neither of us have a model to draw from of how it is suppsoed to be.

For me I've made the committment to not walk out until my kids are out of the house, and that determination keeps me coming home every day. But if I am honest if I came home to find her and all her stuff gone, so long as my kids were with me I wouldn't shed a tear.

So...I dont know what poll choice to pick. Except Easy when it works and hard when it doesnt.

I feel like something's missing here between year 15 and 16 if you feel like expanding on what went wrong. How did it go from easy to work?

I don't know how old your kids are, but I can tell you that I knew for years that my parents stopped caring about each other before they finally divorced when I was 13. They made a big deal out of trying to be emotionally supportive when my response was along the lines of, "finally!" They never yelled or argued either.

[Blackadar]

Originally Posted by Marc Vaughan

Out of interest - do you have kids? ... if so would you be happy raising them 'part-time' with another person who might have views you don't approve of raising them the rest of the time? ...

Thats basically what you're opening up if you divorce, I have lots of friends who have 'improved' their lot by divorcing, however their kids are totally screwed up - not only has their foundation of security been dismantled but other the parenting rules in each household differ (and can be played off against each other) but a divorce often isn't the 'end' of bickering and the kids are caught in the middle as referees without any potential for cover.

(just to give a devils advocate position)

Yes Mark, I do have children. Would I be "happy" doing that? That's a dumb question that doesn't need an answer. Would I do that if I thought my kids would be better off? You bet.

After seeing the damage my wife went through because her parents chose not to get divorced, I have no doubt that in some circumstances divorce is the better option for all involved, including the children. Basically my MIL became psychotic due to the constant fighting with my FIL and their household was a fucking miserable hellhole. The ramifications of which are still being felt 25 years later in virtually every single way - relationships of the children to their parents, the relationship of the siblings to each other, relationship of the grandchildren to their grandparents, etc. And none of it is all that positive. In their case, divorce would have been a vastly better option for all involved (something my wife has said many times).

[ColtCrazy]

Just to add to this, when my marriage hit bottom I didn't decide to stay for the kids. Instead, I decided to work at it for them. I didn't want to sit down with my kids in the future knowing I hadn't given it all to try to save what had brought them into the world in the first place. That focus helped me appreciate my wife better and things, while not perfect, are definitely the best they've been in 2+ years and the future looks so much better.

[Lathum]

I think we can all just agree there is no "better" way when it comes to having your marriage fall apart, especially when there are kids involved.

[mrtourette]

I know it's a cop out but I guess it depends on your definition of easy and what expectations you have of a relationship.

I've been with my wife for seven-and-a-half years and we've never ever come close to breakigng up and have always been open with each other. However there have been plenty of moments where we fight and one spends the night on the sofa and has to swallow their pride and apologise to the other; that's never an easy thing to do at the time but in the greater scheme of things it's peanuts.

What I would agree with is that it takes constant attention and you can't take each other for granted when you're so reliant on another person who is such a big part of your life providing emotional support (especially when kids are involved). If constantly reminding yourself that there are one or more people whose wellbeing you are responsibility for and more important than yours sounds like hard work then yeah it won't be easy.

[Marc Vaughan]

Originally Posted by Blackadar

In their case, divorce would have been a vastly better option for all involved (something my wife has said many times).

I agree in your case (and undoubtably in many more) it probably helped hugely - however I'm just trying to demonstrate that relationships aren't a 'one approach fits all' and are rarely simplistic in nature, especially when off-spring are added into the mix.

[Blackadar]

Originally Posted by Marc Vaughan

I agree in your case (and undoubtably in many more) it probably helped hugely - however I'm just trying to demonstrate that relationships aren't a 'one approach fits all' and are rarely simplistic in nature, especially when off-spring are added into the mix.

Which is specifically why I ended my post with I'm not saying your situation is the same, but it's something to consider. In some cases staying together is the best thing for all involved, in others splitting apart is the best thing.

[Arles]

IF (and it's a big if) you can go through a divorce before any major damage occurs in the relationship (ie, cheating, drug use, abuse ...) - I think a divorce with young kids can work out fine. The key is having both parents put their kids interest ahead of their own personal agendas. Both my ex and I have been able to do that and we divorced when my son was 2. He's now 8 and doing well in both houses. I think because we divorced before it became super emotional/angry, both of us were able to do that.

There are still major hurdles to get through (esp in regards to decision making on school, after school activities, future marriages and rules/lifestyle of each parent), but atleast you don't have the pettiness that often derails the parenting plan. When we started sensing things weren't going to work, a social worker I knew gave me some great advice. He said to first try counseling and try to get at the issues and see if anything can be done. If you both come to the conclusion that it won't work or you both aren't willing to make the steps needed to make the relationship work - it's time to consider a divorce. The longer you wait, the more miserable one party (or both) is likely to become and that's when the "bad stuff" happens that can seriously impact your ability to get along and raise kids in the future.

It's a tough line and as Marc says, there's no perfect solution for everyone. But, if the choice to stay together begins to seriously impact one of the two people, it may not be the right decision. Once the door opens on mistrust/abuse/bad decisions, it can never be shut and that's what causes most divorces to become nasty.