Long Term Relationship Poll

Chief Rum · 01-09-2014, 11:17 AM

So I just had a very interesting weekend with my ex, and I am not sure exactly how things will go as we move forward, or even if we move forward.

But it raised a question for me on whether or not I want to move forward. My ex and I have had at times a tumultuous relationship. No cheating scandals or anything like that, no physical abuse, but we have had some bad "hurt feelings" fights. We broke up seven months ago, but we have recently been talking again.

I asked my brother for advice on how to move forward, and he offered up this point: his relationship with his wife was always "easy". Being with her was easy, getting married to her with easy, getting a house with her was easy, having a daughter with her was easy.

He wasn't saying that it can't work out if it's not easy, but his implication was along the lines of that, if it's meant to be, it should be easy, or at least easier than my ex and myself.

My response to him on that was that I don't think most long term relationships and marriages come together or stay as "easy" as his did (for which he is blessed).

But the point of this poll is to see what is really the case, at least here on FOFC.

So for those of you whom are married or in long term relationships that have endured, please respond to the poll and let's see what the answer is.

Vince, Pt. II · 01-09-2014, 11:24 AM

As someone who is neither married nor in a long term relationship, my initial thought is that while they are almost never easy all the time (your brother truly is blessed), it should at least START easy, and should USUALLY be easy. Just because relationships are work doesn't mean they should ALWAYS be work.

Then again, maybe that's why I'm still single as hell at 32

Chief Rum · 01-09-2014, 11:25 AM

I put in multiple choice options for those of you whom have had more than one long term relationship that you think could apply (or for those of you who, umm, have more than one long term relationship going right now, you bastards).

Chief Rum · 01-09-2014, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vince, Pt. II

As someone who is neither married nor in a long term relationship, my initial thought is that while they are almost never easy all the time (your brother truly is blessed), it should at least START easy, and should USUALLY be easy. Just because relationships are work doesn't mean they should ALWAYS be work.

Then again, maybe that's why I'm still single as hell at 32

Thanks Vince! I gave you a Single option in the poll, if you want to select it.

Kodos · 01-09-2014, 11:39 AM

I voted easy. I look at the relationships that my wife's friends have, and they are almost uniformly terrible.

We trust and respect each other. We make sacrifices for each other's happiness. We genuinely enjoy being around each other, but also enjoy time away from each other. Sure, there are days where things don't go well, but we're not one of those couples that is always at each other's throat. Arguments are rare.

I don't believe in "meant to be". I think for anyone, there are tons of people out there with whom you could be compatible, provided you meet them at the right time in your life. You could meet the right person at the wrong time and have it not work. But if you are with someone who is right for you, most days are easy, and staying faithful is not difficult.

Edit: The only hold-up I had in marrying her was that she definitely wanted kids, and I wasn't so sure I wanted them. Eventually, I came around, and from there the decision was easy. And I'm sure glad about having the kids now.

sterlingice · 01-09-2014, 11:39 AM

I've only been married 8 years and we have no kids (which seems huge to me as from every couple I've seen, kids knock the couple's compatibility level down at least 1 notch because of the time spent with the kids that can't be spent between just the two individuals). For our marriage, it's quite easy- we have to work on it, spend time together, get in fights together (yeah) from time to time, and spend time trying to diffuse things that could become fights. But we get a lot of the "you're well paired/well matched" and most of the time, life is very good. I've never seriously considered "what would it be like if we were not married" in more than an academic sense and the conclusions have always been a quick and definitive confirmation that life is much better with my wife than without (living apart for a year because of jobs really helped drive that home).

Also, I think early on it's much rougher as you figure out your problem solving methodology between the two of you. There's the infatuation period where everything is great. Then there's the time when that starts to wear off and you have to start solving problems together as you realize each of you is not perfect. However, the problem is that you've never really fought so you have to find out what works "best" for both of you: what solves the problem with the least amount of damage to each party. The "fun" part about this for us is that when moving you get to go through a mini version of this every time as each thought they had territory marked out but they find the other interprets it differently

Another major disclaimer: I think some couples operate completely differently. I've seen some that fight like cats and dogs but they were "drama flakes" folks before they met and will be "drama flakes" until the day they die. I don't think couples like that could be with "boring" folks like me and my wife. They would pick fights just to pick fights, get bored and wander, whatever- those people need drama. If you need that excitement, you have to get it somewhere and usually the best way is to find someone who feels just the same way. It's not a way I could live but it's interesting to watch those couples and some make it work really well.

SI

molson · 01-09-2014, 11:42 AM

That's a really interesting question because because you hear so much about "how much work it is" to make a relationship work.

I think can be merit to both styles of relationships. I dated a girl for 2 years, it was extremely difficult, exactly as you describe, lots of hurt feelings, emotional turmoil. But the whole experience changed my life for the better and I'm still friends with her. She's intense, compassionate, cares about things, and I really feel like she re-charged my soul in a way. I learned so much through those struggles, and I really just care about more things and am more generous than I was before. And I definitely "get" women and relationships more now.

And now I'm dating a girl where it's very much different - she's very laid back, it's very easy, and of course, there are enormous day-to-day advantages to that. And while I'm super into her and there's definitely no end in sight, there is a kind of relative flatness because this is not a relationship that's improving me as a person or changing my life or anything, we just have a good time. But maybe, that relationship with the first girl got me to the point where I gained the skills to have a more peaceful relationship, and maybe at my age I don't need as much drastic personal improvement (some posters may disagree on the last point).

JonInMiddleGA · 01-09-2014, 11:43 AM

I'm stunned, tbh, by both your brother's observation & some of those in this thread (nothing personal intended, ftr).

I can't imagine anything about an LTR that suits the word "easy" in any way.
And I'm not sure -- outside of this thread -- I've ever known anyone in my entire life who would have used that word either.

Blackadar · 01-09-2014, 11:48 AM

About 25 years together. Some years have been very easy, some years have been rocky. Last year wasn't so good, but I think we're about through that patch.

Marc Vaughan · 01-09-2014, 11:53 AM

A lot of whether things are 'easy' I think comes from the backgrounds of the people involved - especially their experiences growing up.

I grew up in a single parent home and my wife grew up in a similar environment- as such we didn't really have examples of how a relationship worked to hand, although we did have some useful tips of what to avoid

Thats the 'big' one - but even small differences between spouses can cause friction in a relationship; whether that's expectations you gained from your parents (ie. did your mom always take the trash out, whereas to her its a fathers job because her dad did it?) or changes which happen as you go through life (when I met my wife she was a hippy into new age crystals now she's a devout Christian and I'm still the same cynic as always

).

If you're lucky enough to have an 'easy' relationship then that's awesome - but complicated and hard doesn't have to mean bad ... most things in life you have to work at.

PS - How long has your brother been married? - the first 4-5 years of marriage for me was 'easy' ... but then in the first rush of a relationship it generally is

Chief Rum · 01-09-2014, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marc Vaughan

PS - How long has your brother been married? - the first 4-5 years of marriage for me was 'easy' ... but then in the first rush of a relationship it generally is

I think it will be 10 or 11 years now this coming July. They were together about two years before they were married, also, so put it at 12-13 years together now.

It has been really easy very him, from what I have seen. I never see them fight at all. Two very agreeable people who are very in tune with each other.

Chief Rum · 01-09-2014, 12:00 PM

BTW, I selected the "Hard" option in describing my relationship with my ex.

FWIW, throughout our relationship, whenever people would see us together, they would always say how amazed they were at us, at how we're so in step with one another and so clearly in love and connected.

And that was really the way we were about 99% of the time. It was just that our 1% times could get really bad (and out of sight from others, usually).

MacroGuru · 01-09-2014, 12:05 PM

My marriage started out easy, we had some issues but worked through them. To me, she ran when it got rocky and choose the easy way instead of working through things.

Then, with my girlfriend of 3 yrs (Which we are just ending our relationship), it has been fairly easy despite the challenges we have had (Going through the divorce and battle for my kids). But other issues arose and we are ending it.

As for when I am single, I am happiest. I am focused on my kids and myself and I pretty much feel I will be this way until my youngest is around 16. I have no desire to marry again, and to be honest, enter into a long term relationship.

Logan · 01-09-2014, 12:10 PM

Been married 7 months, and we've been together for about 4 years now.

I think "pretty easy" is the best way to say it. We love being together and genuinely enjoy each others company. We both have some of our own personality issues that we've dealt with (that's knocking my vote down a beg) and those have improved over time. When we fight, 9x out of 10 it's triggered by something external to us (like my family being dicks) and how we both deal with it. There's very little "you're not paying attention to me/we don't do enough together/clean up your shit/stop spending money on this etc".

Frankly, I can't fathom any relationship ever being 100% easy, unless it's just two people who don't give a crap about speaking their mind or if one person is saying that while being completely oblivious to the feelings/needs of their partner (doubt your brother is this way). I sort of feel like it's just an easy thing for people to say: they're happy, they're in love, so of course it's easy and all sunshine and rainbows.

At the end, remember Chris Rock: "If you've never contemplated murder, you've never been in love!"

edit: Damn it, meant to click pretty easy but realized I accidentally clicked easy. So do the appropriate math.

sterlingice · 01-09-2014, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

I'm stunned, tbh, by both your brother's observation & some of those in this thread (nothing personal intended, ftr).

I can't imagine anything about an LTR that suits the word "easy" in any way.
And I'm not sure -- outside of this thread -- I've ever known anyone in my entire life who would have used that word either.

To be fair, "easy" is a relative term. Any long term relationship is gobs of hours of work and effort and emotional energy that could go into something else. And even then, stuff doesn't work right a lot of the time. But, on the whole, I'm comparing it to what I think I see out with others. I never had to be in this relationship and for the few years before we got married, either one of us could quit at any time. But we both thought it was much better to be in it than out of it and even if marriage wasn't at all binding, we still both feel the same way now.

SI

Suburban Rhythm · 01-09-2014, 12:14 PM

My $.02

Almost impossible to answer this question without her input (how's that for a married guy answer?).

I'm 37. Together 18+ (met in college), married 13+.

Someone said earlier the first handful of years are easy, agree 100%.

We've had really good stretches, really bad stretches, and our fair share of "meh" stretches

So I say I'd need her input to answer, because it's a two person job. Sounds cliche, sure. But you can do everything in your power to make it "right", but if you're not working together, it doesn't matter. Each person is bringing their baggage into the relationship. My wife's parent's divorced when she was 6. She split time between her mom and her dad's parents. So 12 years of both sides telling her what the other had done wrong, blah blah blah.

Because of this, early on, anything that moved beyond basic disagreements was met with "Maybe this was a mistake...maybe we should get a divorce!"

That was normal to her, because she lived it (with parents, and other family members). My parents are married 42 years later. Divorce was never even a consideration to me.

gstelmack · 01-09-2014, 12:15 PM

Can I vote with "hard, but feels easy"? It takes work, you're going to accidentally hurt each other's feelings sometimes, one will be in a bad mood, other not, you'll need to make sacrifices in what you do / when you do it, you'll pick up each other's slack, and all of that takes work. But it's also all worth it. So I'm not quite sure how to respond.

Chief Rum · 01-09-2014, 12:16 PM

Right now, it seems the trend is that long term relationships should be easier than what me and my ex have gone through.

That doesn't mean I won't try to make it work out though.

BYU 14 · 01-09-2014, 12:17 PM

My first marriage was a complete disaster. I am grateful for some of the times/experiences as they helped me grow and there were some good memories. Of course I am grateful for my kids, but we stayed together way too long for that very reason, we had kids. It was a big mistake and in hindsight did more harm than good to our children, who seemed almost relieved when we did divorce when they were teenagers.

My current marriage has had only one rough spot in 11 plus years, which we were fortunate to be able to work through. While my wife and I both have strong personalities and can be stubborn, we also accent each others weaknesses and above all are best friends. We will butt heads on occasion and don't always agree, but we never let those feelings linger without resolution.

Overall it has been pretty easy, because it just seems natural when we are together and we have a arrived at a good balance. The trick in relationships is you never know if things will stay this way and this might not be the case at some point down the road, but instead of worrying about that, I enjoy what we have now.

BillJasper · 01-09-2014, 12:17 PM

Between Pretty Easy/Medium. We've been married twenty years and we've definitely had our moments where we annoyed one another but I can't imagine ever being with anyone else.

Even when it has been rough, it has been fun.

Logan · 01-09-2014, 12:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

Right now, it seems the trend is that long term relationships should be easier than what me and my ex have gone through.

That doesn't mean I won't try to make it work out though.

There's probably a pretty decent chance you're overstating your own relationship issues because you know what they entailed, you know how it felt, you saw her tears, etc vs just reading what we're saying with no emotion involved.

So if you don't mind getting more personal (obviously 100% okay if you want to pass), why don't you explain a bit more about those 1% "hurt feelings" times you guys have dealt with?

I know you said you'll try to work things out, but I think you could be setting yourselves up for failure if you're trying to reach some sort of idealistic relationship instead of just appreciating what you have and what could get better.

Chief Rum · 01-09-2014, 12:23 PM

Interesting side note. My brother and I are, of course, brothers, but we're pretty close to being best friends, too. Probably the only reason we don't say that is because, well, we're brothers. We also work together, so I see him a lot.

As a result, if something that happens at home is bugging him, as sometimes happens, he'll lightly complain about it to me, stuff he wouldn't put that way to his wife, I am sure, although he never says anything mean-spirited (example, "wanted to watch the football game the other day, but, the wife has to go to the craft fair and wants company" light grumble, but not really serious).

So I probably play a role in keeping his marriage harmonious lol.

Chief Rum · 01-09-2014, 12:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Logan

There's probably a pretty decent chance you're overstating your own relationship issues because you know what they entailed, you know how it felt, you saw her tears, etc vs just reading what we're saying with no emotion involved.

So if you don't mind getting more personal (obviously 100% okay if you want to pass), why don't you explain a bit more about those 1% "hurt feelings" times you guys have dealt with?

I know you said you'll try to work things out, but I think you could be setting yourselves up for failure if you're trying to reach some sort of idealistic relationship instead of just appreciating what you have and what could get better.

The way I figure it, everyone has their sob stories, their issues, and by and large, it's boring to other people. And that's besides the personal element to it. Plus, I don't want to make the thread about my relationship, but keep it general.

I'll only say that I am, for my age, relatively inexperienced in relationships on this level, and that has certainly contributed to the issues. And while I am not going to drag my ex through the mud, she's definitely not an easy target, as it were, having gone through some bad relationships herself and currently enduring some very difficult life situations (financial, health-wise, to an extent).

Solecismic · 01-09-2014, 01:17 PM

There should be a basic compatibility. But there's always going to be some conflict. How you handle that conflict determines how well the relationship endures.

My first marriage was too easy. We were the couple that never fought. People thought we were the greatest couple ever. Every once in a while she'd explode and I really thought she hated me. Turns out she kind of did. She was just one of those people who agrees with everything... until she doesn't. The end result was we didn't put in the work together, and that's on both of us.

A long-term relationship requires some work every now and then. Which means thinking about love languages (if you've read that book), long-term goals, responsibilities, making the other person feel valued, being on the same page regarding kid issues.

I'm not a big believer in the volatility is the spice of life theory. But it can work for some people. But if it's not an equal relationship (i.e. one or both becomes addicted to the drama itself), it's best to cut ties. I have never gotten back together with someone after a breakup and not ended regretting it within weeks.

Julio Riddols · 01-09-2014, 04:13 PM

I feel like my relationship with my fiancee is about as smooth as one can hope for. She and I are best friends, so we do get on each other sometimes and we do piss each other off, but we have also learned enough about each other by now that the disagreements have become so few and far between as to barely be noticeable. We've also lived together for our entire relationship, so there were some rocky times early as she got used to me being a night owl and I got used to her being a grump in the morning before she gets her coffee, among other things. She knows my little idiosyncrasies and I know hers, and there are times we have to remind each other of stuff- But generally it gets better day by day, and that is with us barely scraping by financially and being in a pretty shitty living situation at the moment, not to mention trying to raise a toddler.

I can only see it getting better, which is why I feel exceptionally lucky to have the relationship I do.

My first long term relationship was with a bi-polar girl when we were both barely 20, and it was a real bitch to keep together because neither of us knew what we really wanted - That was a good thing though, because it taught me that I would not be truly happy unless I found a girl who liked me for me. I think that is the real key. When neither party has to change themselves to make the other happy, then things tend to feel pretty effortless.

I think it also helps that I am extremely low maintenance as a relationship partner. I don't need my partner to give much of themselves to me, so everything I do get feels like icing on the cake already. I also take my relationship cues from my grandparents on my dads side, who have been together for like 60 years now. They still do things for each other as though they are a new couple, but it's because seeing the other happy is what makes them happy. That's the kind of love I strive for.

HerRealName · 01-09-2014, 04:43 PM

What does it mean when people say you have to work at a relationship? Counseling or some other activity?

My wife and I have been married 15 years with 3 kids. We're in the middle of our 5th move (which sounds insane as I type that out) and we've never had a serious fight. Our personalities and outlook on life are very similar. I was very picky in my single life because I knew I would not be compatible with a high maintenance, high-strung wife. Luckily, she finds men with gorgeous, rock-hard asses irresistible so it was a perfect match.

path12 · 01-09-2014, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gstelmack

Can I vote with "hard, but feels easy"? It takes work, you're going to accidentally hurt each other's feelings sometimes, one will be in a bad mood, other not, you'll need to make sacrifices in what you do / when you do it, you'll pick up each other's slack, and all of that takes work. But it's also all worth it. So I'm not quite sure how to respond.

I think this is a fantastic answer.

I also agree with the poster who said any answer is incomplete without the partner's input.

Good luck to you. I voted fairly easy, but I'm also on my third marriage and it took me a long time to get to the point where I communicate effectively enough to really make a relationship work.

WSUCougar · 01-09-2014, 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kodos

I voted easy. I look at the relationships that my wife's friends have, and they are almost uniformly terrible.

We trust and respect each other. We make sacrifices for each other's happiness. We genuinely enjoy being around each other, but also enjoy time away from each other. Sure, there are days where things don't go well, but we're not one of those couples that is always at each other's throat. Arguments are rare.

Ditto - in fact, I could have written this, almost word-for-word.

ISiddiqui · 01-09-2014, 10:22 PM

I voted medium. My current gf and I haven't been together really all that long (1.5 years), but around 1 years in we had some really hard times where we were questioning our relationship every week it seemed and almost broke up. There was brought up (by her) that "it shouldn't be this hard". Of course, I never thought it was really all that hard.

The issue was (and slightly remains, but we work at it which makes it much easier these days than it used to be) that we tend to communicate very differently and she tends to be a 'no harm, no foul' type of person, whereas I am more of a person who sees certain things could easily have resulted in problems but by luck did not and they should be fixed - which has caused a few issues (it still gets my spine up when I hear her say "it's not the end of the world"). But talking more, even when what we are feeling sounds ridiculous tends to help.

I have been in relationships where we never discussed what we were thinking deep down, so seemed great on the surface, but were ready to blow up at everything in the relationship any second underneath. MUCH better to be open, even though the thing that bothers the person it may sound silly.

Arles · 01-09-2014, 11:03 PM

After my first marriage ended (we married young), I realized what was important to me in a spouse. There were three things that were "must haves":
1. Similar long term goals (kids, one spouse staying home or both working, how to raise your kid, where we want to live, ...)
2. Similar interests (ie, she enjoys sports, some similar TV shows, likes to go out sometimes but not all the time,...)
3. We communicate well (no holding it in and exploding, being open when something bothers you, just being comfortable enough with each other to talk about anything at any time to resolve things).

I was fortunate enough to find someone in early 2010 that had all those qualities and more. We have our arguments, but things work a lot better than any other relationship I've been in. We've been married 2 and 1/2 years and just had our first kid together. Even though he's 7 months and we each reach our exhaustion point - the relationship is still strong and we enjoy our time together.

Desnudo · 01-10-2014, 07:53 AM

I've been married over five years with one toddler. We both see eye to eye on a lot of stuff which makes life easier. You also need to be willing to compromise on a lot of stuff, especially as the guy. I suppose it depends on starting from the same place morally. If you guys have drastically different worldviews about right and wrong, it's going to be hard.

Lathum · 01-10-2014, 08:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kodos

I voted easy.
We trust and respect each other. We make sacrifices for each other's happiness. We genuinely enjoy being around each other, but also enjoy time away from each other. Sure, there are days where things don't go well, but we're not one of those couples that is always at each other's throat. Arguments are rare.

This.

I never understood the concept of having to "work" for a relationship. Are there times you have to put in effort to keep the peace, yes, but actually working to make the relationship a success makes no sense to me. If it requires that much effort and energy to stay together you don't belong together.

Been married 5+years and 2 kids and while we have had challenges we always support each other, talk through any issues, and are parterners in everything we do. I can't ever imagine sharing my life with someone else. I had other relationships i thought were easy or going well, but once I met my wife I knew how wrong I was about those other ones and truly learned what it meant to want to spend forever with someone. If you haven't had that breakthrough yet then you haven't met that person

I am also of the opinion if it didn't work the first time it likely won't work a second time.

SackAttack · 01-10-2014, 10:03 AM

The 'easy' relationships haven't lasted for me, and the hard ones haven't been worth pursuing because I get to the point where I'm all out of fucks to give.

Where's my 'Dreamcast is my soulmate' option?

sabotai · 01-10-2014, 10:27 AM

I've only been in one long-term relationship, and I'd classify it as "easy". Not saying we didn't have our disagreements or hurt feelings, but when they did happen, we solved them right away (as in, that night). I could count on one hand the amount of times either of us went to bed angry at the other, and every time that happened we resolved the issue the next day.

Then again, I haven't been in a committed relationship in over 8 years so what the hell do I know about relationships. (Not that I've gone out of my looking for one)

Chief Rum · 01-10-2014, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desnudo

I've been married over five years with one toddler.

They allow that where you're from, eh?

Chief Rum · 01-10-2014, 10:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColtCrazy

What's your gut tell you? It's hard to separate that from what your feelings want (or Lord do I know), but it does help.

My gut says that when everything is right, and like I said, it was right 99% of the time when we were together, we were pretty much perfect for each other. Some common interests, which was how we connected, but a lot of very different interests, which not only gave us a certain independence, but also made us both "interesting" to each other.

We broke up during a 1% moment. I don't think conflict resolution has been a particular strong point for us. But who knows this time (if there is a this time, which is still very much in the air but I think likely), did we learn from the first time?

JonInMiddleGA · 01-10-2014, 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

They allow that where you're from, eh?

Nicely played, although I suspect it won't get the love it deserves

Kodos · 01-10-2014, 11:01 AM

I thought it was pretty funny.

BYU 14 · 01-10-2014, 11:37 AM

The good news is I had my wife look at this poll and select her choice without knowing what I selected and she picked the same option I did, We had our issues, but all things considered pretty easy (Pretty Easy) . Good to be on the same page

Drake · 01-10-2014, 11:50 AM

I don't think of relationships as "easy" so much, but I'm also not of the opinion that good relationships should require constant work and maintenance.

I've heard that a ton: you have to work at your relationship to keep it healthy.

My take on that is...you know what? I've already got a job, and I'm not interested in taking on a second one. If being married means another, constant, full-time task to keep it functioning, then I'm better off without it. Sometimes it will be, and should be, work. Other times, you should be able to putter around on cruise control without one or the other of you getting your panties in a bunch because someone is feeling ignored/disrespected/not-the-center-of-your-universe.

If you're putting more work into your relationship than you're getting rewards out of it, chances are you've married a dumbass and should consider your options. That's not a day-to-day standard, but if you start looking back over 2-3 years and wonder what the hell you're getting out of a relationship for all the time/effort/money/relationship-talks invested, that might be a clue that you're in the wrong relationship. If you're chilling in bed at night and asking yourself questions like "Have I done everything I could today to be a great husband?", chances are you're in the wrong relationship. I mean, ask yourself that question sometimes, but if you feel like you're getting shit from your SO just for being who you are and not fitting their parentally-inherited model of what a spouse/significant other should look like/be like/do like, then chances are at least one of you is in the wrong relationship. Your relationship should never make you feel bad about who you are.

I say that as a guy who's been through the shit with my wife. We've been married for 20 years, and sometimes I'm amazed it's lasted this long. Other times, I know exactly why it's lasted this long and will probably last another 20. What I know the most is that "married" is not how I define my life or myself. "He was a great husband" is not the epitaph I want on my tombstone. My relationship is important to me, but it isn't (and likely should never be) my most-defining role or characteristic.

Kodos · 01-10-2014, 12:32 PM

In contrast, if I get "He was a good husband" and "He was a good father" at my funeral, I would consider that a life well-lived.

Desnudo · 01-10-2014, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

They allow that where you're from, eh?

Anything goes in Afghanistan

Galaxy · 01-10-2014, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MacroGuru

My marriage started out easy, we had some issues but worked through them. To me, she ran when it got rocky and choose the easy way instead of working through things.

Then, with my girlfriend of 3 yrs (Which we are just ending our relationship), it has been fairly easy despite the challenges we have had (Going through the divorce and battle for my kids). But other issues arose and we are ending it.

As for when I am single, I am happiest. I am focused on my kids and myself and I pretty much feel I will be this way until my youngest is around 16. I have no desire to marry again, and to be honest, enter into a long term relationship.

Big changes...we need to get together one of these nights and catch up.

CU Tiger · 01-13-2014, 08:37 AM

Been with my wife for 20 years married for 14 of them.
We met and started young. (We are 35 &37 currently for context).

The first 15 years were autopilot easy. We both liked the same stuff mostly, liked the same friends and when we had an occsional different taste we were each cool staying behind while the other went to that particular concert/game/friend party etc.

Over the last 5 years it has went full on full time job. In retrospect I sold my business (at least in part) thinking the increased time together would "fix us"

It did anything but.
I went back to work to get out of the house and away.

We've both made our mistakes...and have tried to work through them. My mom has been married many times(I dont know the exact number) her mom has been married 5 times. So neither of us have a model to draw from of how it is suppsoed to be.

For me I've made the committment to not walk out until my kids are out of the house, and that determination keeps me coming home every day. But if I am honest if I came home to find her and all her stuff gone, so long as my kids were with me I wouldn't shed a tear.

So...I dont know what poll choice to pick. Except Easy when it works and hard when it doesnt.

Chief Rum · 01-13-2014, 11:14 AM

That's rough, CU. Sorry to hear that. And, yeah, not really a good poll option there for you.

I hope it works out for you.

Lathum · 01-13-2014, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BYU 14

The good news is I had my wife look at this poll and select her choice without knowing what I selected and she picked the same option I did, We had our issues, but all things considered pretty easy (Pretty Easy) . Good to be on the same page

I did the same thing except our answer was easy.

DaddyTorgo · 01-13-2014, 11:16 AM

Jeez CU - sorry to hear that man.

RedKingGold · 01-13-2014, 11:23 AM

I don't know if it's ever easy, but a combination of mutual admiration, respect and values makes it seem so.

RedKingGold · 01-13-2014, 11:27 AM

Probably a tangent, and apologize for the same, but I do believe that having parents/grandparents who were married until death, and then marrying someone whose parents/grandparents were also married until death, makes it more likely that the married couple will stay together until death.

Obviously, this is not an always/never proposition. My dad was married for 2 1/2 years, got divorced, then met my mother and have been together for 35+ years. Nevertheless, it just seems logical to me that there would be some kind of correlation between parents who remain married and their kids who remain married.

Lathum · 01-13-2014, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedKingGold

Probably a tangent, and apologize for the same, but I do believe that having parents/grandparents who were married until death, and then marrying someone whose parents/grandparents were also married until death, makes it more likely that the married couple will stay together until death.

Obviously, this is not an always/never proposition. My dad was married for 2 1/2 years, got divorced, then met my mother and have been together for 35+ years. Nevertheless, it just seems logical to me that there would be some kind of correlation between parents who remain married and their kids who remain married.

I agree

I also think there is also a huge correlation between what age you are married and if you stay together. Just about everyone I know who got married in their early twenties ended up divorced, while most I know who waited are still together and very happy. There is no way I was ready to be married and be a good partner when I was that young, I don't see how anyone can be.

View Poll Results: How "easy" has it been to get into and stay in your long term relationship/marriage?
Easy, like we were meant to be together (Very Easy)	32	26.89%
We had our issues, but all things considered pretty easy (Pretty Easy)	50	42.02%
A rollercoaster at times, but about average (Medium)	20	16.81%
Pretty rocky, a breakup or two or more (Hard)	8	6.72%
Fighting through it every step of the way (Very Hard)	3	2.52%
Relationship, smelationship, I am a ladies' man at heart! (Single)	7	5.88%
I only date trouts	10	8.40%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 119. You may not vote on this poll

01-09-2014, 11:24 AM	#2
Vince, Pt. II Pro Starter Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Somewhere More Familiar	As someone who is neither married nor in a long term relationship, my initial thought is that while they are almost never easy all the time (your brother truly is blessed), it should at least START easy, and should USUALLY be easy. Just because relationships are work doesn't mean they should ALWAYS be work. Then again, maybe that's why I'm still single as hell at 32 Last edited by Vince, Pt. II : 01-09-2014 at 11:24 AM.

01-09-2014, 11:25 AM	#3
Chief Rum Hall Of Famer Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Where Hip Hop lives	I put in multiple choice options for those of you whom have had more than one long term relationship that you think could apply (or for those of you who, umm, have more than one long term relationship going right now, you bastards). __________________ . . I would rather be wrong...Than live in the shadows of your song...My mind is open wide...And now I'm ready to start...You're not sure...You open the door...And step out into the dark...Now I'm ready.

01-09-2014, 11:39 AM	#5
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	I voted easy. I look at the relationships that my wife's friends have, and they are almost uniformly terrible. We trust and respect each other. We make sacrifices for each other's happiness. We genuinely enjoy being around each other, but also enjoy time away from each other. Sure, there are days where things don't go well, but we're not one of those couples that is always at each other's throat. Arguments are rare. I don't believe in "meant to be". I think for anyone, there are tons of people out there with whom you could be compatible, provided you meet them at the right time in your life. You could meet the right person at the wrong time and have it not work. But if you are with someone who is right for you, most days are easy, and staying faithful is not difficult. Edit: The only hold-up I had in marrying her was that she definitely wanted kids, and I wasn't so sure I wanted them. Eventually, I came around, and from there the decision was easy. And I'm sure glad about having the kids now. __________________ Author of The Bill Gates Challenge, as well as other groundbreaking dynasties. Last edited by Kodos : 01-09-2014 at 11:41 AM.

01-09-2014, 11:39 AM	#6
sterlingice Hall Of Famer Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Back in Houston!	I've only been married 8 years and we have no kids (which seems huge to me as from every couple I've seen, kids knock the couple's compatibility level down at least 1 notch because of the time spent with the kids that can't be spent between just the two individuals). For our marriage, it's quite easy- we have to work on it, spend time together, get in fights together (yeah) from time to time, and spend time trying to diffuse things that could become fights. But we get a lot of the "you're well paired/well matched" and most of the time, life is very good. I've never seriously considered "what would it be like if we were not married" in more than an academic sense and the conclusions have always been a quick and definitive confirmation that life is much better with my wife than without (living apart for a year because of jobs really helped drive that home). Also, I think early on it's much rougher as you figure out your problem solving methodology between the two of you. There's the infatuation period where everything is great. Then there's the time when that starts to wear off and you have to start solving problems together as you realize each of you is not perfect. However, the problem is that you've never really fought so you have to find out what works "best" for both of you: what solves the problem with the least amount of damage to each party. The "fun" part about this for us is that when moving you get to go through a mini version of this every time as each thought they had territory marked out but they find the other interprets it differently Another major disclaimer: I think some couples operate completely differently. I've seen some that fight like cats and dogs but they were "drama flakes" folks before they met and will be "drama flakes" until the day they die. I don't think couples like that could be with "boring" folks like me and my wife. They would pick fights just to pick fights, get bored and wander, whatever- those people need drama. If you need that excitement, you have to get it somewhere and usually the best way is to find someone who feels just the same way. It's not a way I could live but it's interesting to watch those couples and some make it work really well. SI __________________ Houston Hippopotami, III.3: 20th Anniversary Thread - All former HT players are encouraged to check it out! Janos: "Only America could produce an imbecile of your caliber!" Freakazoid: "That's because we make lots of things better than other people!"

01-09-2014, 11:42 AM	#7
molson General Manager Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: The Mountains	That's a really interesting question because because you hear so much about "how much work it is" to make a relationship work. I think can be merit to both styles of relationships. I dated a girl for 2 years, it was extremely difficult, exactly as you describe, lots of hurt feelings, emotional turmoil. But the whole experience changed my life for the better and I'm still friends with her. She's intense, compassionate, cares about things, and I really feel like she re-charged my soul in a way. I learned so much through those struggles, and I really just care about more things and am more generous than I was before. And I definitely "get" women and relationships more now. And now I'm dating a girl where it's very much different - she's very laid back, it's very easy, and of course, there are enormous day-to-day advantages to that. And while I'm super into her and there's definitely no end in sight, there is a kind of relative flatness because this is not a relationship that's improving me as a person or changing my life or anything, we just have a good time. But maybe, that relationship with the first girl got me to the point where I gained the skills to have a more peaceful relationship, and maybe at my age I don't need as much drastic personal improvement (some posters may disagree on the last point). Last edited by molson : 01-09-2014 at 11:46 AM.

01-09-2014, 11:43 AM	#8
JonInMiddleGA Hall Of Famer Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Behind Enemy Lines in Athens, GA	I'm stunned, tbh, by both your brother's observation & some of those in this thread (nothing personal intended, ftr). I can't imagine anything about an LTR that suits the word "easy" in any way. And I'm not sure -- outside of this thread -- I've ever known anyone in my entire life who would have used that word either. __________________ "I lit another cigarette. Unless I specifically inform you to the contrary, I am always lighting another cigarette." - from a novel by Martin Amis

01-09-2014, 11:48 AM	#9
Blackadar Retired Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Fantasyland	About 25 years together. Some years have been very easy, some years have been rocky. Last year wasn't so good, but I think we're about through that patch.

01-09-2014, 11:53 AM	#10
Marc Vaughan SI Games Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Melbourne, FL	A lot of whether things are 'easy' I think comes from the backgrounds of the people involved - especially their experiences growing up. I grew up in a single parent home and my wife grew up in a similar environment- as such we didn't really have examples of how a relationship worked to hand, although we did have some useful tips of what to avoid Thats the 'big' one - but even small differences between spouses can cause friction in a relationship; whether that's expectations you gained from your parents (ie. did your mom always take the trash out, whereas to her its a fathers job because her dad did it?) or changes which happen as you go through life (when I met my wife she was a hippy into new age crystals now she's a devout Christian and I'm still the same cynic as always ). If you're lucky enough to have an 'easy' relationship then that's awesome - but complicated and hard doesn't have to mean bad ... most things in life you have to work at. PS - How long has your brother been married? - the first 4-5 years of marriage for me was 'easy' ... but then in the first rush of a relationship it generally is Last edited by Marc Vaughan : 01-09-2014 at 11:55 AM.

01-09-2014, 12:00 PM	#12
Chief Rum Hall Of Famer Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Where Hip Hop lives	BTW, I selected the "Hard" option in describing my relationship with my ex. FWIW, throughout our relationship, whenever people would see us together, they would always say how amazed they were at us, at how we're so in step with one another and so clearly in love and connected. And that was really the way we were about 99% of the time. It was just that our 1% times could get really bad (and out of sight from others, usually). __________________ . . I would rather be wrong...Than live in the shadows of your song...My mind is open wide...And now I'm ready to start...You're not sure...You open the door...And step out into the dark...Now I'm ready. Last edited by Chief Rum : 01-09-2014 at 12:03 PM.

01-09-2014, 12:05 PM	#13
MacroGuru Coordinator Join Date: May 2003 Location: Utah	My marriage started out easy, we had some issues but worked through them. To me, she ran when it got rocky and choose the easy way instead of working through things. Then, with my girlfriend of 3 yrs (Which we are just ending our relationship), it has been fairly easy despite the challenges we have had (Going through the divorce and battle for my kids). But other issues arose and we are ending it. As for when I am single, I am happiest. I am focused on my kids and myself and I pretty much feel I will be this way until my youngest is around 16. I have no desire to marry again, and to be honest, enter into a long term relationship. __________________ "forgetting what is in the past, I strive for the future"

01-09-2014, 12:10 PM	#14
Logan Head Coach Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: NYC	Been married 7 months, and we've been together for about 4 years now. I think "pretty easy" is the best way to say it. We love being together and genuinely enjoy each others company. We both have some of our own personality issues that we've dealt with (that's knocking my vote down a beg) and those have improved over time. When we fight, 9x out of 10 it's triggered by something external to us (like my family being dicks) and how we both deal with it. There's very little "you're not paying attention to me/we don't do enough together/clean up your shit/stop spending money on this etc". Frankly, I can't fathom any relationship ever being 100% easy, unless it's just two people who don't give a crap about speaking their mind or if one person is saying that while being completely oblivious to the feelings/needs of their partner (doubt your brother is this way). I sort of feel like it's just an easy thing for people to say: they're happy, they're in love, so of course it's easy and all sunshine and rainbows. At the end, remember Chris Rock: "If you've never contemplated murder, you've never been in love!" edit: Damn it, meant to click pretty easy but realized I accidentally clicked easy. So do the appropriate math. Last edited by Logan : 01-09-2014 at 12:11 PM.

01-09-2014, 12:14 PM	#16
Suburban Rhythm Pro Starter Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Pittsburgh	My $.02 Almost impossible to answer this question without her input (how's that for a married guy answer?). I'm 37. Together 18+ (met in college), married 13+. Someone said earlier the first handful of years are easy, agree 100%. We've had really good stretches, really bad stretches, and our fair share of "meh" stretches So I say I'd need her input to answer, because it's a two person job. Sounds cliche, sure. But you can do everything in your power to make it "right", but if you're not working together, it doesn't matter. Each person is bringing their baggage into the relationship. My wife's parent's divorced when she was 6. She split time between her mom and her dad's parents. So 12 years of both sides telling her what the other had done wrong, blah blah blah. Because of this, early on, anything that moved beyond basic disagreements was met with "Maybe this was a mistake...maybe we should get a divorce!" That was normal to her, because she lived it (with parents, and other family members). My parents are married 42 years later. Divorce was never even a consideration to me. __________________ "Do you guys play fast tempos with odd time signatures?" "Yeah" "Cool!!"

01-09-2014, 12:15 PM	#17
gstelmack Pro Starter Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Cary, NC	Can I vote with "hard, but feels easy"? It takes work, you're going to accidentally hurt each other's feelings sometimes, one will be in a bad mood, other not, you'll need to make sacrifices in what you do / when you do it, you'll pick up each other's slack, and all of that takes work. But it's also all worth it. So I'm not quite sure how to respond. __________________ -- Greg -- Author of various FOF utilities

01-09-2014, 12:16 PM	#18
Chief Rum Hall Of Famer Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Where Hip Hop lives	Right now, it seems the trend is that long term relationships should be easier than what me and my ex have gone through. That doesn't mean I won't try to make it work out though. __________________ . . I would rather be wrong...Than live in the shadows of your song...My mind is open wide...And now I'm ready to start...You're not sure...You open the door...And step out into the dark...Now I'm ready.

01-09-2014, 12:17 PM	#19
BYU 14 Coordinator Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: The scorched Desert	My first marriage was a complete disaster. I am grateful for some of the times/experiences as they helped me grow and there were some good memories. Of course I am grateful for my kids, but we stayed together way too long for that very reason, we had kids. It was a big mistake and in hindsight did more harm than good to our children, who seemed almost relieved when we did divorce when they were teenagers. My current marriage has had only one rough spot in 11 plus years, which we were fortunate to be able to work through. While my wife and I both have strong personalities and can be stubborn, we also accent each others weaknesses and above all are best friends. We will butt heads on occasion and don't always agree, but we never let those feelings linger without resolution. Overall it has been pretty easy, because it just seems natural when we are together and we have a arrived at a good balance. The trick in relationships is you never know if things will stay this way and this might not be the case at some point down the road, but instead of worrying about that, I enjoy what we have now.

01-09-2014, 12:17 PM	#20
BillJasper Pro Starter Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Northern Kentucky	Between Pretty Easy/Medium. We've been married twenty years and we've definitely had our moments where we annoyed one another but I can't imagine ever being with anyone else. Even when it has been rough, it has been fun. __________________ The Confederacy lost, it is time to dismantle it.

01-09-2014, 12:23 PM	#22
Chief Rum Hall Of Famer Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Where Hip Hop lives	Interesting side note. My brother and I are, of course, brothers, but we're pretty close to being best friends, too. Probably the only reason we don't say that is because, well, we're brothers. We also work together, so I see him a lot. As a result, if something that happens at home is bugging him, as sometimes happens, he'll lightly complain about it to me, stuff he wouldn't put that way to his wife, I am sure, although he never says anything mean-spirited (example, "wanted to watch the football game the other day, but, the wife has to go to the craft fair and wants company" light grumble, but not really serious). So I probably play a role in keeping his marriage harmonious lol. __________________ . . I would rather be wrong...Than live in the shadows of your song...My mind is open wide...And now I'm ready to start...You're not sure...You open the door...And step out into the dark...Now I'm ready. Last edited by Chief Rum : 01-09-2014 at 12:23 PM.

01-09-2014, 01:17 PM	#24
Solecismic Solecismic Software Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Canton, OH	There should be a basic compatibility. But there's always going to be some conflict. How you handle that conflict determines how well the relationship endures. My first marriage was too easy. We were the couple that never fought. People thought we were the greatest couple ever. Every once in a while she'd explode and I really thought she hated me. Turns out she kind of did. She was just one of those people who agrees with everything... until she doesn't. The end result was we didn't put in the work together, and that's on both of us. A long-term relationship requires some work every now and then. Which means thinking about love languages (if you've read that book), long-term goals, responsibilities, making the other person feel valued, being on the same page regarding kid issues. I'm not a big believer in the volatility is the spice of life theory. But it can work for some people. But if it's not an equal relationship (i.e. one or both becomes addicted to the drama itself), it's best to cut ties. I have never gotten back together with someone after a breakup and not ended regretting it within weeks.

01-09-2014, 04:13 PM	#25
Julio Riddols College Prospect Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Bryson Shitty, NC	I feel like my relationship with my fiancee is about as smooth as one can hope for. She and I are best friends, so we do get on each other sometimes and we do piss each other off, but we have also learned enough about each other by now that the disagreements have become so few and far between as to barely be noticeable. We've also lived together for our entire relationship, so there were some rocky times early as she got used to me being a night owl and I got used to her being a grump in the morning before she gets her coffee, among other things. She knows my little idiosyncrasies and I know hers, and there are times we have to remind each other of stuff- But generally it gets better day by day, and that is with us barely scraping by financially and being in a pretty shitty living situation at the moment, not to mention trying to raise a toddler. I can only see it getting better, which is why I feel exceptionally lucky to have the relationship I do. My first long term relationship was with a bi-polar girl when we were both barely 20, and it was a real bitch to keep together because neither of us knew what we really wanted - That was a good thing though, because it taught me that I would not be truly happy unless I found a girl who liked me for me. I think that is the real key. When neither party has to change themselves to make the other happy, then things tend to feel pretty effortless. I think it also helps that I am extremely low maintenance as a relationship partner. I don't need my partner to give much of themselves to me, so everything I do get feels like icing on the cake already. I also take my relationship cues from my grandparents on my dads side, who have been together for like 60 years now. They still do things for each other as though they are a new couple, but it's because seeing the other happy is what makes them happy. That's the kind of love I strive for. __________________ Recklessly enthused, stubbornly amused. FUCK EA Last edited by Julio Riddols : 01-09-2014 at 04:26 PM.

01-09-2014, 04:43 PM	#26
HerRealName College Prospect Join Date: Dec 2002	What does it mean when people say you have to work at a relationship? Counseling or some other activity? My wife and I have been married 15 years with 3 kids. We're in the middle of our 5th move (which sounds insane as I type that out) and we've never had a serious fight. Our personalities and outlook on life are very similar. I was very picky in my single life because I knew I would not be compatible with a high maintenance, high-strung wife. Luckily, she finds men with gorgeous, rock-hard asses irresistible so it was a perfect match.

01-09-2014, 10:22 PM	#29
ISiddiqui Hall Of Famer Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Decatur, GA	I voted medium. My current gf and I haven't been together really all that long (1.5 years), but around 1 years in we had some really hard times where we were questioning our relationship every week it seemed and almost broke up. There was brought up (by her) that "it shouldn't be this hard". Of course, I never thought it was really all that hard. The issue was (and slightly remains, but we work at it which makes it much easier these days than it used to be) that we tend to communicate very differently and she tends to be a 'no harm, no foul' type of person, whereas I am more of a person who sees certain things could easily have resulted in problems but by luck did not and they should be fixed - which has caused a few issues (it still gets my spine up when I hear her say "it's not the end of the world"). But talking more, even when what we are feeling sounds ridiculous tends to help. I have been in relationships where we never discussed what we were thinking deep down, so seemed great on the surface, but were ready to blow up at everything in the relationship any second underneath. MUCH better to be open, even though the thing that bothers the person it may sound silly. __________________ "A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages" -Tennessee Williams

01-09-2014, 11:03 PM	#30
Arles Grey Dog Software Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Phoenix, AZ by way of Belleville, IL	After my first marriage ended (we married young), I realized what was important to me in a spouse. There were three things that were "must haves": 1. Similar long term goals (kids, one spouse staying home or both working, how to raise your kid, where we want to live, ...) 2. Similar interests (ie, she enjoys sports, some similar TV shows, likes to go out sometimes but not all the time,...) 3. We communicate well (no holding it in and exploding, being open when something bothers you, just being comfortable enough with each other to talk about anything at any time to resolve things). I was fortunate enough to find someone in early 2010 that had all those qualities and more. We have our arguments, but things work a lot better than any other relationship I've been in. We've been married 2 and 1/2 years and just had our first kid together. Even though he's 7 months and we each reach our exhaustion point - the relationship is still strong and we enjoy our time together. __________________ Developer of Bowl Bound College Football http://www.greydogsoftware.com Last edited by Arles : 01-09-2014 at 11:07 PM.

01-10-2014, 07:53 AM	#31
Desnudo Coordinator Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Here and There	I've been married over five years with one toddler. We both see eye to eye on a lot of stuff which makes life easier. You also need to be willing to compromise on a lot of stuff, especially as the guy. I suppose it depends on starting from the same place morally. If you guys have drastically different worldviews about right and wrong, it's going to be hard.

01-10-2014, 10:03 AM	#33
SackAttack Head Coach Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Green Bay, WI	The 'easy' relationships haven't lasted for me, and the hard ones haven't been worth pursuing because I get to the point where I'm all out of fucks to give. Where's my 'Dreamcast is my soulmate' option?

01-10-2014, 10:27 AM	#34
sabotai General Manager Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: The Satellite of Love	I've only been in one long-term relationship, and I'd classify it as "easy". Not saying we didn't have our disagreements or hurt feelings, but when they did happen, we solved them right away (as in, that night). I could count on one hand the amount of times either of us went to bed angry at the other, and every time that happened we resolved the issue the next day. Then again, I haven't been in a committed relationship in over 8 years so what the hell do I know about relationships. (Not that I've gone out of my looking for one)

01-10-2014, 11:01 AM	#38
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	I thought it was pretty funny. __________________ Author of The Bill Gates Challenge, as well as other groundbreaking dynasties.

01-10-2014, 11:37 AM	#39
BYU 14 Coordinator Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: The scorched Desert	The good news is I had my wife look at this poll and select her choice without knowing what I selected and she picked the same option I did, We had our issues, but all things considered pretty easy (Pretty Easy) . Good to be on the same page

01-10-2014, 11:50 AM	#40
Drake assmaster Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Bloomington, IN	I don't think of relationships as "easy" so much, but I'm also not of the opinion that good relationships should require constant work and maintenance. I've heard that a ton: you have to work at your relationship to keep it healthy. My take on that is...you know what? I've already got a job, and I'm not interested in taking on a second one. If being married means another, constant, full-time task to keep it functioning, then I'm better off without it. Sometimes it will be, and should be, work. Other times, you should be able to putter around on cruise control without one or the other of you getting your panties in a bunch because someone is feeling ignored/disrespected/not-the-center-of-your-universe. If you're putting more work into your relationship than you're getting rewards out of it, chances are you've married a dumbass and should consider your options. That's not a day-to-day standard, but if you start looking back over 2-3 years and wonder what the hell you're getting out of a relationship for all the time/effort/money/relationship-talks invested, that might be a clue that you're in the wrong relationship. If you're chilling in bed at night and asking yourself questions like "Have I done everything I could today to be a great husband?", chances are you're in the wrong relationship. I mean, ask yourself that question sometimes, but if you feel like you're getting shit from your SO just for being who you are and not fitting their parentally-inherited model of what a spouse/significant other should look like/be like/do like, then chances are at least one of you is in the wrong relationship. Your relationship should never make you feel bad about who you are. I say that as a guy who's been through the shit with my wife. We've been married for 20 years, and sometimes I'm amazed it's lasted this long. Other times, I know exactly why it's lasted this long and will probably last another 20. What I know the most is that "married" is not how I define my life or myself. "He was a great husband" is not the epitaph I want on my tombstone. My relationship is important to me, but it isn't (and likely should never be) my most-defining role or characteristic.

01-10-2014, 12:32 PM	#41
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	In contrast, if I get "He was a good husband" and "He was a good father" at my funeral, I would consider that a life well-lived. __________________ Author of The Bill Gates Challenge, as well as other groundbreaking dynasties.

01-13-2014, 08:37 AM	#44
CU Tiger Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Backwoods, SC	Been with my wife for 20 years married for 14 of them. We met and started young. (We are 35 &37 currently for context). The first 15 years were autopilot easy. We both liked the same stuff mostly, liked the same friends and when we had an occsional different taste we were each cool staying behind while the other went to that particular concert/game/friend party etc. Over the last 5 years it has went full on full time job. In retrospect I sold my business (at least in part) thinking the increased time together would "fix us" It did anything but. I went back to work to get out of the house and away. We've both made our mistakes...and have tried to work through them. My mom has been married many times(I dont know the exact number) her mom has been married 5 times. So neither of us have a model to draw from of how it is suppsoed to be. For me I've made the committment to not walk out until my kids are out of the house, and that determination keeps me coming home every day. But if I am honest if I came home to find her and all her stuff gone, so long as my kids were with me I wouldn't shed a tear. So...I dont know what poll choice to pick. Except Easy when it works and hard when it doesnt.

01-13-2014, 11:14 AM	#45
Chief Rum Hall Of Famer Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Where Hip Hop lives	That's rough, CU. Sorry to hear that. And, yeah, not really a good poll option there for you. I hope it works out for you. __________________ . . I would rather be wrong...Than live in the shadows of your song...My mind is open wide...And now I'm ready to start...You're not sure...You open the door...And step out into the dark...Now I'm ready.

01-13-2014, 11:16 AM	#47
DaddyTorgo Hall Of Famer Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Massachusetts	Jeez CU - sorry to hear that man.

01-13-2014, 11:23 AM	#48
RedKingGold College Starter Join Date: Oct 2002	I don't know if it's ever easy, but a combination of mutual admiration, respect and values makes it seem so.

01-13-2014, 11:27 AM	#49
RedKingGold College Starter Join Date: Oct 2002	Probably a tangent, and apologize for the same, but I do believe that having parents/grandparents who were married until death, and then marrying someone whose parents/grandparents were also married until death, makes it more likely that the married couple will stay together until death. Obviously, this is not an always/never proposition. My dad was married for 2 1/2 years, got divorced, then met my mother and have been together for 35+ years. Nevertheless, it just seems logical to me that there would be some kind of correlation between parents who remain married and their kids who remain married.