Coach JDizL's Panhandle Pythons

[JayDizzle04]

Coach JDizL's Panhandle Pythons

Difficulty: All-Pro
Quarters: 8 Minute Qtrs.
Acc. Clock: On
Rosters: Modified Original Rosters

[JayDizzle04]

Panhandle Pythons Roster

Pythons 2008 Roster

QB
Ralph Nixon
75 OVR - 75 THP / 85 THA / 50 SPD / 60 CAR / 85 AWR / 70 INJ

Marques Tuiasosopo
72 OVR - 84 THP / 78 THA / 71 SPD / 67 CAR / 60 AWR / 83 INJ

HB
J.D. Frazier
80 OVR - 92 SPD / 74 CTH / 77 CAR / 75 BTK / 92 AGI / 94 ACC

A.R. Boatang
78 OVR - 97 SPD / 65 CTH / 66 CAR / 85 BTK / 82 AGI / 95 ACC

Justise Hairston
73 OVR - 87 SPD / 60 CTH / 70 CAR / 84 BTK / 84 AGI / 86 ACC

FB
Patrick Roth
80 OVR - 87 SPD / 70 CTH / 80 CAR / 75 BTK / 54 RBK / 63 PBK

WR
Blake Kolumber
80 OVR - 92 SPD / 79 CTH / 90 AGI / 91 ACC / 68 AWR / 88 JMP

Krulmichael
80 OVR - 97 SPD / 76 CTH / 86 AGI / 94 ACC / 70 AWR / 94 JMP

BDawg
78 OVR - 85 SPD / 85 CTH / 85 AGI / 80 ACC / 75 AWR / 80 JMP

Sebastien Harrison
76 OVR - 85 SPD / 80 CTH / 81 AGI / 82 ACC / 77 AWR / 85 JMP

Joel Filani
70 OVR - 88 SPD / 79 CTH / 89 AGI / 90 ACC / 48 AWR / 86 JMP

Chris Hannon
69 OVR - 92 SPD / 73 CTH / 88 AGI / 90 ACC / 48 AWR / 91 JMP

TE
Dominique Byrd
70 OVR - 74 SPD / 76 CTH / 70 CAR / 55 BTK / 60 RBK / 60 PBK

Tim Euhus
64 OVR - 71 SPD / 80 CTH / 64 CAR / 52 BTK / 48 RBK / 44 PBK

LT
Lance Williams
80 OVR - 90 RBK / 85 PBK / 90 STR / 75 AWR / 55 AGI / 60 ACC

Charles Spencer
72 OVR - 87 RBK / 79 PBK / 92 STR / 62 AWR / 45 AGI / 60 ACC

Mark LeVoir
69 OVR - 87 RBK / 83 PBK / 90 STR / 50 AWR / 42 AGI / 58 ACC

LG
Chris Liwienski
74 OVR - 84 RBK / 82 PBK / 88 STR / 68 AWR / 41 AGI / 60 ACC

Cory Lekkerkerker
73 OVR - 85 RBK / 82 PBK / 92 STR / 68 AWR / 40 AGI / 49 ACC

Drew Hodgdon
71 OVR - 80 RBK / 82 PBK / 83 STR / 62 AWR / 52 AGI / 67 ACC

C
Ben Wilkerson
73 OVR - 85 RBK / 77 PBK / 85 STR / 60 AWR / 48 AGI / 73 ACC

Doug Datish
72 OVR - 80 RBK / 82 PBK / 85 STR / 56 AWR / 64 AGI / 70 ACC

RG
Toniu Fonoti
74 OVR - 86 RBK / 82 PBK / 92 STR / 68 AWR / 40 AGI / 52 ACC

RT
Kevin Sampson
72 OVR - 85 RBK / 82 PBK / 86 STR / 67 AWR / 45 AGI / 60 ACC

LE
Andrew Hawk
80 OVR - 76 TAK / 70 SPD / 75 STR / 80 AGI / 80 ACC / 65 AWR

Jay Burton
80 OVR - 76 TAK / 76 SPD / 72 STR / 76 AGI / 74 ACC / 75 AWR

RE
Travis Jordison
80 OVR - 73 TAK / 83 SPD / 73 STR / 73 AGI / 73 ACC / 73 AWR

Dan Borowski
80 OVR - 70 TAK / 80 SPD / 76 STR / 67 AGI / 80 ACC / 70 AWR

DT
Jack Kidd
80 OVR - 80 TAK / 80 SPD / 80 STR / 70 AGI / 68 ACC / 70 AWR

Shaun Nua
70 OVR - 76 TAK / 65 SPD / 82 STR / 50 AGI / 75 ACC / 55 AWR

Daniel Muir
69 OVR - 74 TAK / 68 SPD / 91 STR / 60 AGI / 70 ACC / 40 AWR

LOLB
MGo Blue
80 OVR - 80 TAK / 83 SPD / 55 CTH / 74 AGI / 75 ACC / 76 AWR

William Kershaw
73 OVR - 80 TAK / 76 SPD / 58 CTH / 75 AGI / 80 ACC / 59 AWR

Jorge Cordova
72 OVR - 78 TAK / 77 SPD / 46 CTH / 72 AGI / 80 ACC / 63 AWR

MLB
Bringin Pain
77 OVR - 78 TAK / 90 SPD / 60 CTH / 85 AGI / 85 ACC / 80 AWR

Tim Dobbins
72 OVR - 78 TAK / 70 SPD / 50 CTH / 74 AGI / 82 ACC / 68 AWR

ROLB
Jay Blitz
80 OVR - 75 TAK / 85 SPD / 68 CTH / 75 AGI / 75 ACC / 75 AWR

CB
Heelswxman
80 OVR - 65 TAK / 98 SPD / 60 CTH / 96 ACC / 60 AWR / 90 JMP

Dope Nose
80 OVR - 59 TAK / 95 SPD / 75 CTH / 95 ACC / 56 AWR / 88 JMP

Kyle Garvella
75 OVR - 80 TAK / 85 SPD / 56 CTH / 86 ACC / 72 AWR / 78 JMP

Tarell Brown
71 OVR - 54 TAK / 92 SPD / 65 CTH / 93 ACC / 50 AWR / 85 JMP

FS
Andre Brisita
80 OVR - 70 TAK / 91 SPD / 60 CTH / 75 ACC / 84 AWR / 78 JMP

C.J. Gaddis
74 OVR - 71 TAK / 92 SPD / 55 CTH / 93 ACC / 50 AWR / 93 JMP

SS
Zach Swarts
80 OVR - 75 TAK / 80 SPD / 80 CTH / 76 ACC / 71 AWR / 78 JMP

Brandon Harrison
73 OVR - 72 TAK / 87 SPD / 64 CTH / 87 ACC / 54 AWR / 88 JMP

K
Lamont Sanford
65 OVR - 97 KPW / 70 KAC / 70 AWR

P
NFLMan2033
70 OVR - 90 KPW / 80 KAC / 50 AWR

[JayDizzle04]

Stadium

The Sunshine Dome

Contains:
-Two computerized video scoreboards
-Special seating for press and luxury ticket holders
-State of the art air-conditioning and audio systems
-Affordable parking
-Quality beverage and dining kiosks
-Enough room to host collegiate/semi-pro sporting events,
conventions and city government functions

[JayDizzle04]

Team Schedule

Pythons 2008 Schedule:

Preseason

Week 1 : Pythons at Dolphins W - (34 - 16)

Week 2 : Pythons vs. Patriots L - (26 - 22)

Week 3 : Pythons vs. Jaguars L - (29 - 15)

Week 4 : Pythons at Texans L - (14 - 10)

Regular Season

Week 1 : Pythons at Saints W - (24 - 8)

Week 2 : Pythons vs. Falcons W - (37 - 14)

Week 3 : Pythons at Bears L - (20 - 12)

Week 4 : Pythons vs. Packers W - (21 - 14)

Week 5 : Pythons at Broncos W - (20 - 19)

Week 6 : Pythons vs. Panthers W - (32 - 23)

Week 7 : Pythons vs. Seahawks

Week 8 : Pythons at Cowboys

Week 9 : Pythons at Chiefs

Week 10: BYE WEEK

Week 11: Pythons vs. Vikings

Week 12: Pythons at Lions

Week 13: Pythons vs. Saints

Week 14: Pythons at Panthers

Week 15: Pythons at Falcons

Week 16: Pythons vs. Chargers

Week 17: Pythons vs. Raiders

[JayDizzle04]

Re: Coach JDizL's Panhandle Pythons

For the Love of the Game('s Money)

-From the Associated Press

In what can only be described as a cash-grab maneuver, the 2008 Tampa Bay Buccaneers have decided to go on strike.

Sited as "irresponsible" and "reckless," the move is seen by the players as a necessity to ensure fair wages and more.



"We're just trying to make sure that we are treated fairly for when we all decided to retire, says strike leader and Buccaneer Wide Reciever Joey Galloway.

"I've been doing this professionally for 13 years and everytime I see one of my fellow veterans being put in a wheelchair while the NFL can't spare a dime when he leaves the game sickens me.

"What are we supposed to do when we can barely walk anymore?"

Quoted from an owner that wished not to be named: "We see stuff like this all the time. One day a player, or in this case 'players' finally sign that fat contract deal they've always wanted, then this.

I get that these guys have got families to feed but when you see a young rookie demand millions just so he can buy a fancy new house and ten vintage cars he'll never drive for months out of the year, it puts things into perspective a little for me.



Sometimes I wonder if these players will get it through their heads that the game itself can be played by anyone, not just them.

The league will survive this and the NFL will be better for it... Galloway and his cronies? Not so much."

Best Laid Plans

-AP

With recent circumstances surrounding the Buccaneer Wage Strike raging forward, the front offices of Tampa Bay have been said to have made the decision to shut down their season for the year until both sides are willing to negotiate.

Fans and players alike were stunned by the news as a strike affected a football season so greatly in recent history.

Buc Alex Smith was quoted as saying, "Yeah, I remember the strike season in 1987. A lot of dudes lost their jobs over the same thing we're fighting over and we're willing to take on the league to get our point across too."

Commissioner Roger Goodell was said to have been upset over the whole ordeal and is currently setting up a press release to announce what he plans to do to resolve the problem.

[JayDizzle04]

Re: Coach JDizL's Panhandle Pythons

Square Peg, Round Hole

-AP

Cameras and tape recorders alike were rolling at Commissioner Goodell's press conference late last week to get his response toward the ever evolving matter of the Tampa Bay Bucs Strike.



"It is unfortunate that it came down to subject of money as you all may have known. While the points from both sides have been heard, it is within the NFL Front Office's opinion that the season should go on without the Buccaneers, not despite.

"We've seen it done before in 1987, where the season was shortened but still played by those with a great passion for the game. I respect their decisions then as I do now and it is with great trepidation that I ask for a meeting between the other 31 owners to decide as to how we may proceed in continuing football until the end of the season."

The decision was made clear not an hour afterward as an unknown source was said to have a stadium to play at, uniforms and enough money to front a team stepped forward.

Goodell saying after, "We've never had anything like this happen in the history of the National Football League.

The guy already drew up contracts that the other owners agreed with almost immediately and he even had a dome to play in... while too good to be true, it was an option that had to be taken so late in getting to the season.

"I just hope the man finds a team in time to play for him."

Adding Through Subtraction

-AP

Your new team for the 2008 NFL Season: The Panhandle Pythons.

In what has been seen all over as the biggest shock in professional football history, an entire team has replaced another mid-season without so much as a whimper.

While contract negotiations were still erupting in Tampa Bay, an interim owner had swooped in to take their piece of the pie in the NFL.



Cato June was quoted as saying, "I can't even describe how I'm feeling right now. To put it in the simplest form, we feel like we're the kid left out when all the others have been picked.

I mean, who does this sort of thing? Donald Trump and Bill Gates combined wouldn't have this much money to burn."

Sources have said the the Pythons will playing with a hand-selected group specially chosen to be competitive during the season.

A domed stadium owned by the newly appointed mystery beneficiary will be used to play in as we have heard.

For fans of the Buccaneers not sitting at home to show support for their team, all season tickets will be redeemable at the domed stadium and for everyone else, reduced prices will be given.

Hard Luck

-AP

As the 2008 Training Camps have opened up for the upstart Panhandle Pythons, the gate has almost certainly slammed shut on their season.

More than 20 of an original hand-picked squad that had been chosen to represent the team have decided to show solidarity with their striking member of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

The Method: Boycotting the season despite signing 1-year contracts.

According to League Officials, if the Pythons cannot come up with a proper amount of players before the start of the Preseason, then their season may become forfeit.

A supposed sad end to what might have been a dream season for the ages.

[JayDizzle04]

Re: Coach JDizL's Panhandle Pythons

Ultimatum

-Per Memo from NFL Front Office to the Pythons' Owner

It has come to our attention that the Panhandle Pythons have successfully produced a stop-gap of sorts for its missing player spots.

However we must make it clear that in a few weeks, the NFL Preseason will begin regardless of whether or not the Pythons are fully knowledgeable of Offensive/Defensive gameplans.

Please be advised that if the team does not show up to their meeting with the Miami Dolphins on Saturday, August 9th, they will forfeit the game and be considered ineligble for the upcoming regular season...

Thank you for your cooperation in these trying matters as we are trying to do what's best for the fans.

Renewed and Revived

-AP

New hope springs eternal for the Panhandle Pythons, a collection of "scab" players filling in for the still striking Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Earlier this month, there were reports of mass walk-outs in show of support for the Bucs as they tried to get contact renewals before the season had started.

Luckily, the gap left behind was filled by a collection of street free agents signed with a chance to prove themselves worthy of playing in the National Football League.

When asked to comment, newly appointed Coach Jay DizL had responded with a sigh of relief.



"People have seen and asked for miracles everyday it seems...When push comes to shove, I truly believe that this team will do great things, no matter what the public opinion might be."

Ronde Barber, a head of the Tampa Bay Picketers, had be quoted as saying, "The league was expected to go on without us but we know what's right and we believe that our words will be answered eventually.

"Until then, all we can do is wait and hope the Pythons fail miserably."

Preseason Awaits For the Pythons

-AP

Fitted with just enough rope to hang themselves with, the Panhandle Pythons have staked their claim to the 2008 NFL Season.

Amassed through turmoil, both on and off the field, the team put together represents to many the greed within the Pro Football hierarchy... without the 32nd team to cover for 20+ games during the season, the NFL may have had to shut down operations and may have potentially lost millions just for the sake of a contract dispute concerning the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Many around the league have expressed anger as to the decisions of the NFL Front Office in allowing the Pythons contingency plan to go through...

"I can't see why Commissioner Goodell can't just step in and settle things between the Owners and the Player Union, says an anonymous NFC player.

"He's done so when one of his guys gets in the paper for causing trouble with the law and he's suspended players for not sneezing right during bye weeks...

So what's stopping him?"

When chosen to comment, Commissioner Goodell could not be reached to respond to the accusation.

[JayDizzle04]

*You may post now.

[JayDizzle04]

Re: Coach JDizL's Panhandle Pythons

Pythons 2008 Training Camp Results:

*Note: Self-Enforced Rules
-The player has to be 70 OVR or below
-The player can't be from the selection of created teammates (for this season)
-Continue playing until All-Pro Difficulty is reached and/or beaten

Chase and Tackle
-Tim Dobbins - 70 OVR => 72 OVR
64 AWR => 68 AWR (+4 pts)


Catch Ball
-Joel Filani - 68 OVR => 70 OVR
74 CTH => 79 CTH (+4 pts)


Trench Fight
-Daniel Muir - 69 OVR => 69 OVR
69 ACC => 70 ACC (+1)

[JayDizzle04]

Re: Coach JDizL's Panhandle Pythons

Dolphins Not Impressed

-AP

As defensive practice went on at the Miami Dolphins training facility, the focus remained clear for all members learning their playbooks for the day:

Eliminate the Panhandle Pythons.

A normally low-key Jason Taylor was seen laughing with local loudmouth Joey Porter and former Florida Gator stalwart Channing Crowder as they discussed how they planned to dismantle their opponent come the Preseason.



"We see them as outsiders trying to invade the sanctity of the league itself, quotes Porter.

"The money issue, I get. Our boys around the way in Tampa have every right to their bread just as much as the next guy, but to have these... what's the word I'm looking for? Oh yeah, SCABS, are just here to take that away from them."

Taylor was said to have no remorse for what happens to the Pythons players later on this week.



"I've been here since the beginning and you cannot tell me that something like the Panhandle Pythons happens every year. This isn't like in soccer where a team gets relegated if they do poorly or promoted if they do well.

I mean we have to face a team that has never played a down in the NFL and all of a sudden, we're asked to respect them like they're Hall of Famers? Yeah right."

Channing Crowder declined to comment but did make a threatening gesture towards anyone planning to go over the middle against him.

Whatever the case may be, one thing is for certain, as mandated by Commissioner Goodell:

If the Dolphins or any other team beats the Panhandle Pythons this Preseason, then they are finished for the year.

[JayDizzle04]

Preseason, Game 1

Dolphins' Tuna'd!

-AP

Somebody better tell Joey Porter that if you're going to say something mean then you're better not saying anything at all.

Luckily for him and his other Dolphin defensive stalwarts, the Panhandle Pythons were more than happy to expound upon this lesson... more importantly, the Pythons' defensive front seven.

After taking the ball first to start the game, the offense managed to quickly turn things over to the hands of their fellow defensivemen as Lamont Sandford barely missed a 56-yarder, clanging the ball off the opposing team's crossbar.

With no review available, it was up to the Panhandle secondary to help things along as Zach Swarts recorded his first individual (and team's) interception against the Dolphins' Josh McCown.

Defensive End Jay Burton made his position known as well, recording his first of three sacks in the game, flying past the Miami O-Line like so much wet tissue paper.

Not to be outdone, running back J.D. Frazier made it clear to his team that it would his highlight that would end up on SportsCenter as he quickly ran past defenders and teammates alike for a 72 yard run into the endzone with two minutes and some change left in the 2nd Quarter.

Frazier was quoted as saying after the game, "I owe all my boys on the O-Line a round of steak dinners. Dude's like Lance Williams were just shutting down their left side the entire game... I could have walked backwards to get a first down if I wanted to."

Before halftime rolled around, the game took a turn for the strange as linebacker Bringin Pain was seen to have forced a fumble against the Dolphins, giving his team the ball back with 1:38 left to play. Leave it to the Football Illuminati (tm) to stop any such notion of a complete drubbing as the call was overturned in Miami's favor.

After all the nonsense however, it meant nothing as the Dolphins were forced to punt anyway...a waste of time and tax dollars.

================================================== ========

Coach DizL's Halftime Speech:

"Gentlemen, I'd like to officially introduce you to the rest of your football careers... you're going to be booed for the remainder of your time out there; your game checks will be your only source of income because no shoe company will have you nor will McDonald's pay you to shill their terrible burgers.

No, instead you'll be villified to the point where the press will compare you to baby-killers and arsonists AND you'll still be worse in their eyes.

So I want you to use that as your motivation. Play a little dirty out there... make fun of the guy's mother if you have to.

Just get inside of the guy's head and break him down because I can guarantee you this: This league, those fans and the other 11 guys in front of you want this team dead. You, dead.

It's time to dodge some bullets gentlemen... now who's with me?!"

================================================== ========

The very beginning of the second half faired well for the visiting Pythons as Heelswxman made his prescence known to returner/reciever David Kircus' world as utterly destroyed the man, causing a fumble that lead to a defensive touchdown.

Assisting the heads-up play was Terrell Brown, a non-street free agent that had been picked up for the Panhandle to shore up their secondary.

But like so much karma in professional football, things have a way of coming back to teams as David Kircus managed to rise from his Iron Lung tank to score a TD on the Dolphins following drive on Brown himself. Brown
was seen homing towards a point in the Pythons' redzone that was miles away from Kircus...

To make up for Brown's air-headed mistake, the Panhandle reserves called in the man known as A.R. Boatang. Short, stocky and with plenty of anger to boot, Boatang looked to punish all the he saw before him as he easily made his way down the field towards the Dolphins' goalline.

From there, it took Mr. Boatang all of four tries to get in as even another referee review and the Miami goalline defense couldn't deny him of his first NFL touchdown.

MGo Blue pitched his two cents in as well as he recorded a masterful 4th and Out stop against Miami but the Dolphins fired right back with a cheap TD off of a Ginn fly route in which he was 20 yards ahead of any defender.

John Beck was left to take the abuse afterward on a failed two-point conversion to all but end the game... it was said that they're still picking up his teeth from the 8 yard-line.

Coach JDizL was quoted as saying the move was "dumb" and "stupid, regardless if the Dolphins wanted to save face at home."

The sports world would have to disagree with the latter part of the second statement as the Pythons all but smashed in Miami's facial features with a score of 34 to 16.

================================================== ========

Coach DizL's Post-Game Speech:

"I want everyone to look for holes in their uniforms... nothing? Good, because every single one of you have dodged one of the biggest bullets of your life.

Really, you gotta congratulate Joey Porter and his washboard abs for his wonderful rhetoric as to how you all are scabs. I see no wounds here gentlemen...I see a near-cohesive unit.

Work needs to be done, sure. We have practice for that next week and there's no doubt in my mind that we will get better.

Because if you don't gentlemen... you'll be looking for more than holes in your uniforms."

================================================== ========

[JayDizzle04]

Re: Coach JDizL's Panhandle Pythons

Speak Into the Microphone

-AP

As the Panhandle Pythons prepare for their upcoming game against the defending AFC Champion New England Patriots, a select few of the team would like to share a few things with the world:

One: With a surprising defensive line attack, they look to come at Patriot QB Tom Brady from all angles.

Two: Wes Welker and Randy Moss will be taken out of the game and perhaps out of the league if necessary.

and Three: Regardless of the monster record the Patriots have, the one thing on their resume that the 3-Time Super Bowl champs don't is a win against them.


-The Pythons look to duplicate this by the upcoming week.

Rookie Defensive End Jay Burton was quoted as saying that "New England doesn't scare me at all."

"All this talk about how Randy Moss can catch anything out of the air and Wes Welker is a one-man Swiss-Army Reciever is a bunch of bull.

I can't see how New England can do some things if their QB is six feet under the turf...especially if I'm the one burying him."

Mr. Burton, like so many of the other newly appointed Python players were just watching the Patriots with the same distain as many other NFL fans. That is before they signed up to actually compete against their not-so-favorite players.

"Look man, we signed a contract just like any other guy in the NFL would," quotes team wide reciever Krulmichael.

"Dudes like Junior Seau come in looking for money just like us and expect results...just like us. The only difference is, we're proving to not be chumps in the long run."

Time will only tell for the men from the Panhandle, but one thing is for sure; with only 3 games left in the NFL Preseason to go, it may be time for readjustment in New England but it's more like the Super Bowl for the gang of 11 on the other side of the ball.


-Not to scale

Rebuttal

-From Foxborough News Source

When word got out that the Panhandle Pythons were looking for a fight in the second week of the Preseason, New England was less than pleased.

A more accurate term might be 'infuriated' as even some of the back-up and rookies picked up by the Patriots squard were in on the verbal slugfest between the two teams.



"You gotta be kidding me," quotes Jerod Mayo, a rookie play behind season vet Tedy Bruschi.

"Have these dudes done the research for this team lately? We got a trophy case here that holds three copies of the best trophy in sports today; and they wanna talk smack about us?!

"Come back when you win a game against a team with more than one real win."

Patriots QB Tom Brady was seen chatting with his #1 reciever, Randy Moss on the subject of the Pythons; neither too pleased as well.



"Ya'll know me and who I am," says Moss.

"I've played with some of the best in Minnesota, Oakland and now here in the New England and these dudes from... do they even have a city in their team name? That's check number one against them.

You can't say you'll lock up a guy like me when you don't even have a spot on the map to do it from."

Brady simply stated that despite the hits he takes on a daily basis, "[he'll] be ready for the Pythons 'D' and is more than looking forward to embarassing another team.

Especially with wonder reciever Moss and 'Swiss-Army' Wes Welker.

[OliDegu2008]

Re: Coach JDizL's Panhandle Pythons



HAHA CLASSIC!

[JayDizzle04]

Pats / Pythons

Snake Bitten

-AP

The Giants may have to take a back seat when it comes to classic games against New England.

With the Super Bowl a distant memory in most eyes, the second game of the preseason might as well have been just as great as the Panhandle Pythons played nose-to-nose against the Patriots.

Tom Brady of the Patriots would have liked any other way in the first quarter as Jay Blitz of the Pythons recorded his first career safety with 2:56 left to go.

Field position became an issue for both sides early on as neither side could get a handle on offense; a credit to both teams' respective defensive coaches... that was until the second quarter.

Starting off with the Patriots' Ty Law interception, things only got worse as Randy Moss recorded a touchdown to add to kicker Gostkowski's pair of field goals.

============================================

Coach DizL's Halftime Speech:

"The records don't lie when it comes to us, gentlemen. Comparable to thieves, liars and cheats, we're the worst of the bunch.

We've 'stolen' a game from the Dolphins according to the Miami media and fans. We've lied to the NFL fanbase by portraying ourselves as underdogs out there. And we've practically broke the rules of what football as a sport should be by even existing as a team today.

Now I don't have to tell you men that playing the villian is a tough job in any case. You gotta be smart enough to know that no matter what happens out their on the field, that you'll be able to do anything to win. Being 'booed' should never affect you because it just means that you're doing something right for yourselves and for your teammates.

But the number one thing that you need to do is be able to put down the 'hero' for good.

The Patriots knew this last year going undefeated in the regular season and now you all have a chance to do the same thing this preseason.

This next half is going to test you all like you've never been in your lives... I'll give you the dagger gentlemen; it's up to you to finish the job.

Now who's with me!!!"

=============================================

Come the second half, things started to look up for the Pythons' offense as free agent signee, Marques Tuiasosopo came in for an ineffective Ralph Nixon.

Seen by many in the stadium as a sign of poor down management by the team in the first half, switching quarterbacks was a sure bet after seeing only one passing completion to add onto the INT collected by the Patriots.

Tuiasosopo showed his tenacity early on as he took the ball himself to get a first down when surrounded by defenders. Undaunted, he continued an arial assault by giving Chris Hannon a highlight catch to remember.

Double-covered on a play-action pass, Hannon deftly caught the ball over his shoulder to continue the Pythons' drive...

Enter back-up running back, A.R. Boatang.

In addition to his 64 yards on the day, Boatang had shown NFL scouts what might had been a future starter in the league by muscling his way into the endzone with 2:31 to play in the 3rd.

Firing right back at the Panhandlers was New England back-up quarterback, Matt Cassel. Cassel, a so-to-be big name by some, added to the Patriots' point total by taking advantage of the Pythons' poor secondary play.

With less than a minute in the 3rd, NE's Washington had done so as well, scoring a touchdown from a 16 yard pass by Cassel.

'Doom' was a word best to describe how the Pythons felt as they were down and almost out in the 4th until a Byrd came calling

...

More specifically, the Panhandle Tight End Byrd as he took in a score from Tuiasosopo's arm.

Trying to capitalize on the Patriots' shock of the situation, the Pythons tried and failed to make it a 3 point game, resulting in a now 5-Pt. deficit.

Andrew Hawk helped his defense scratch and scrape along as neither team could score on the next 4 minutes of play, sacking Cassel with less than five minutes left in the game.

Boatang left another indelible mark on the Pythons' legacy, this time fumbling near the Pats' goal-line.

Tuiasosopo luckly found another reciever in Bryan Kolumber to pick up the slack, this time allowing his kicker Lamont Sanford the opportunity to add to his PAT total.

The end of the game was the last piece of the standoff puzzle for both team, beaten and battered for most of the day.

Chad Jackson had gripped a TD from Cassel with :48 left to play as the Panhandle secondary still scrambled to find a defensive answer to the New England passing attack. One two-point conversion stop later and the Pythons still had a sliver of hope, only down by 4.

Kolumber made positive strides again as he managed to get the ball all the way to the Patriots' 20 yard line...

Not able to take a field goal to at least tie, the Pythons' season met its abrupt end as reciever Krulmichael had added a second drop to his total for the day.

Final Score: 26 - 22.

============================================

Coach DizL's Post-Game Speech:

"Men, you played a hell of a game out there...against what many saw as the odds-on-favorite in the league this year.

You locked down the Swedish Army Knife of Wes Welker and you managed to keep Randy Moss from being the superstar that he is; no matter what he'll say to the press tonight.

Those deadbeat runningbacks they've got didn't amount to a hill of beans either... I think they made what, 32 yards total? My Grandmother walks to the grocery store for longer distances than that.

But I'm not here to talk about stats...no, I want to celebrate the best damn two games that I've ever had the pleasure of coaching.

You guys can go ahead and hang your heads low because that Bastard of a commissioner is gonna want your jobs by tomorrow.

Not me though... I'd rather look that son of a bitch square in his eye with the rest of you and spit in it. Otherwise, what the hell are we here for?

...

Now I want each of you to look to the men next to you and remember their faces, their names.

They had a dream like you and you all managed to live it to the fullest..."

=============================================

[JayDizzle04]

Season Over?

-AP

As a wise person once said, "Pack up your sh!t and go."

Due to the public nature of this news story, you can only guess what the exclamation point is covering up... The former team of the Panhandle Pythons is no more due to a recently disclosed clause in their contract with the league stating:

"If, at any point do the Panhandle Pythons lose during the Preseason, they forfeit their collected earnings and their regular season game record."

Heavy negotiations between the Pythons' owner and the other remaining league owners only left a foul taste in everyone's mouth as a compromise could not be reached.

Several anonymous parties were quoted as saying:

"We are sorry it came down to this, but these are Commissioner Goodell's stipulations."

"If anything, we're on the Pythons' side after they almost beat the Pats. Hell, none of us could do that until the last game of the regular season."

"Goodell was right to kick these bums out of the league. It's a shame upon all the hard work those poor Tampa Bay players had put in before this mess began."

"Good Riddance."

When asked to comment on his ex-team, former Coach JDizL only quoted, "Goodell knew what he was doing when we all put this together. We're not going to apologize to anybody who thinks that the Bucs should have played instead of us.

They're paid to do a job just like we were... unfortunately it looks like we're all now out of one..."

Change of Heart

-AP

In what could be added to the list of money-related incidents of this year, the Panhandle Patriots were shown the door as contract money, ticket sales and egos were flushed in order to sooth the NFL's pride.

Of the other 31 franchises still playing towards the same goal, the Pythons were left to look on from the outside like the common fan; one that may have been swayed by the recent near-win against the #2 team in the league.

Still, Commissioner Goodell could not be reached to comment publicly as to his response to Coach DizL's recent remarks of the situation.

...

24 hours after the Patriots/Pythons near-classic, Commissioner Goodell was seen as anxious as one could be to set up a press conference regarding the Pythons/Buccaneers-Strike issue.

"As of now, the NFL and the Tampa Bay portion of the NFL Players Union have still not agreed to a settlement as to the continued issue of the Bucs' salaries.

In such an emergency, I, and you can all quote me on this, LOATHE to go back on my word. But as of right now, I am reinstating the Panhandle Pythons until further notice.

They will be allowed to resume operation starting now and until such time when the Buccaneers and the NFL can find some common ground, it looks like the Pythons will have to be the band-aid that holds this league together.

And I want to personally thank Coach DizL for speaking up when it came to this dire point in the 2008 season.

Not many owners, let alone men who can hold their own with the players would speak their minds...even if it might have cost him his career.

It is my personal hope that him, his team owner and the team itself can find it in their hearts to forgive this little transgression and be willing to produce yet another fine game for us very soon."

Fanged Forgiveness

-Taken from a recent interview with the newly reinstated Pythons football team.

Andre Brisita, Free Safety for the Panhandle Pythons, had lead the stream of comments left for the NFL and Commissioner Goodell as the team was interviewed recently.

"Dude, I gotta tell you that there are two things I hate more than anything in the world: Another team thinking they can score touchdowns against me AND when another person bullsh!ts me.

"Goodell, you got a lot of nerve telling our owner, our team and our coach that we can't play on Sundays after we killed Miami and damn near put away your precious Patriots...

"...that's right, you punks didn't prove nothing except why you lost against the Giants a while back. My boys and I are going to make sure to run up the score on you when we get through messing up any other team that wants some of this.

"And another thing..."

When questioned about his poor play as of late, the hefty left-handed QB, Ralph Nixon divulged that he "was unhappy with the way things were going on the field" and that if given the chance again, that
he would "put his foot in the @$$ of anybody that dared defend against his passes come gameday."

But out of all the locker room quotes, the choicest one came from Left Tackle Lance Williams:

"Now I've seen some strange sh!t in my life. Leaves changing color during the seasons; women throwing themselves at professionals just because they've caught a ball or two; and how the animal kingdom marks differences between the species...

Particularly, the leopard and its coat of spots.

"I know that slimeball Goodell is in this for the money and like those spots, he'll never change. So I want him and everyone else out there not related or playing for the Pythons this year to listen up:

We don't care who we hurt out there, we don't care if you don't want to play us; hell, we don't care if you boo us.

But you will acknowledge that we're here and we plan on staying for the next few months...maybe longer."