I'll save you the time to register:
While unveiling a completely objective scoring system (one that I just invented on the fly when another column idea fell through), we will determine today which is more entertaining: NBA playoffs or NHL playoffs.
Let's drop the gloves and get right to it.
Opening round: Easy. NHL in a landslide.
Really, putting aside interest in Avery Johnson's leaderless 60-win team, what is the compelling first-round series in the NBA? Heat vs. Bucks? Grizzlies or Clippers vs. Nuggets? Come on.
The NBA playoffs don't really get under way until the second round. That's not true in the NHL, where first-round upsets are a much more common occurrence.
Think Devils-Rangers with New York making its first playoff appearance in nine years won't get hockey back on the map in the Big Apple? There are no easy tuneups in the Stanley Cup playoffs. Point for hockey.
Building suspense: Just as easy. NBA in a rout.
Unfortunately, as good as the first two rounds of the Stanley Cup playoffs generally are, it's not a surprise when the conference finals or Finals are a big letdown. Players are worn down after 100 games. Good teams have fallen to the side, and teams not quite ready for the big show have advanced and don't know what to do.
Does anyone remember a single moment from the Minnesota-Anaheim conference finals of 2003? You can't say the same about the NBA.
Even when the Finals aren't up to par or when a Spurs team runs over New Jersey, the conference finals always deliver. The NBA stage just keeps getting bigger whereas in the more parochial NHL, more fans tune out as teams are eliminated.
Showcase for stars: Yikes, another easy win for the NBA. Hockey is losing a game that I invented (with total objectivity, of course).
This year may be a little different with the NHL having "opened up" the game, but let's face it. The NHL folks are excited to have four 50-goal scorers led by the Rangers' Jaromir Jagr with 54.
It was just a dozen seasons ago that Teemu Selanne and Alexander Mogilny were tossing 76 biscuits in the basket apiece and Mario Lemieux had 160 points while missing games.
Too often in hockey, the stars of May and June are the goaltenders. No one likes "kick save and a beauty" more than I do, but you think back to what Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire did in the first three rounds before the greatness of Manu Ginobili took over last year. The NBA playoffs is where the stars come out.
Overtime drama: Yes, the NHL crushes one out of the park and we're all tied at 2. Said it before, will condense it here. No other team sport has to end with such sudden elation for the winner, depression for the loser than playoff overtime hockey. In the NBA, you can watch the clock and see it coming. In the NFL? Please, have another field goal.
In baseball, the home crowd can never be hit with sudden defeat. There's always that last at-bat. None of that in single- or double- or, oh, yes, give me triple-overtime hockey any night.
Or morning.
Fairness of format: The Zamboni pulls back into the lead here. The NBA knows it has to fix a ridiculous situation in which, right now, Memphis and the Los Angeles Clippers are better off losing to each other when they play Tuesday than winning.
A loss could get that team home-court advantage against Denver. A win could get that team a road trip to play 60-win Dallas. Reseed the top four teams and remove that scenario.
In addition, the NHL reseeds after the first round, which only makes sense. If an 8 upsets a 1, why should the 4 or 5 seed play the 8 while the 2 plays the 3? That can happen in the NBA. Not in the NHL.
TV coverage: NBA moves back into a tie. Charles and Kenny and Ernie in the TNT studio, ESPN's Bill Walton with his profound and ridiculous utterances? I've got to be honest with you, I still haven't found OLN on my dish.
Is it in the 800s maybe?
The NHL needs to get back into bed with ESPN, where all major sports (and sports personalities) can be found.
Result: This is a close one because the NBA playoffs do a better job of defining greatness. There's a reason Michael Jordan's teams were unbeaten in the Finals and Wayne Gretzky's were not (though pretty close).
There are flukes in hockey. There are no flukes in basketball.
But wait. Before we award the crown to the NBA, let's not forget the trophy presentation.
Has anything interesting ever happened with the Larry O'Brien Trophy? Or with Larry O'Brien, for that matter?
I have never seen the Larry O'Brien Trophy, nor do I believe myself to be poorer for it. On the other hand, I have carried the Stanley Cup into a local, um, establishment to a standing ovation (for the trophy, not me).
The NHL's Cup runneth over the Larry O'Brien Trophy. It's that simple. Hockey wins fair and square, 4-3.
I mean, it's not like I made this stuff up.
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