OS Off Topic 2009

[Beantown]

Re: OS Off Topic 2009

I thought it was great man. I didn't really like how Marlo used the same method of execution every time, but other than that, I thought it was excellent. But then again, I'm not exactly an English buff.

Thanks man.

That's one of the things I'm definitely looking to change, or think about changing.

[Herbsinator]

Re: OS Off Topic 2009

Ok, i'm reading the story right now...impressions in a little bit.

[Husker_OS]

Re: OS Off Topic 2009

Did anything interesting happen over the last week? Any hilarious drunk posts or TMI moments?

[TheMatrix31]

Re: OS Off Topic 2009

Did anything interesting happen over the last week? Any hilarious drunk posts or TMI moments?

Nope, nothing. No love conquests/success/failures/etc either..it's been a boring *** week in this thread.

[Herbsinator]

Re: OS Off Topic 2009

Ok, i'm reading the story right now...impressions in a little bit.

Longhorn,
I think you are off to good start in this story but there is definitely a lot you can add as you revise this story.

I don’t see any conflict in this story. As a reader, I couldn’t feel any tension building as the story was coming to the end. This isn’t a story about any sort of external conflict. You come right out and tell us that Marlo killed these people right away in the story, and I think that is totally fine. I wouldn’t change that at all, because if you added any mystery to the story about who killed these people or whatever it would totally distract from the actual point of the story. The conflict in this story is the internal conflict Marlo experiences.

However, the only time you really mention this conflict is at the very end when the narrator says that, “He is stunned and I do not blame him. I have come to grips with what I did because it needed to be done. This turn in the story, though, is news to him and he is too shocked to speak. I push my chair away from the table and stand up. He looks up at me and I give him a quick smile before I take my leave.” This is the only time in the entire story that we ever get a glimpse that Marlo changed and believed that he had to stop what he created. If you are trying to build Marlo as your sympathetic character in the story, and I think that you are, you need to more thoroughly illustrate how Marlo changes over time from a character that was serial killer who did it “just for fun” to someone who comes to believe what he was doing was wrong. Obviously, he does change…that’s obvious because he kills his gang, but the reader is never allowed to see how he changes. As a reader, I want to experience Marlo’s internal struggles more.

I believe that Marlo, as a character, is very deep, which speaks to your skills as a writer. I hate stories that draw a clear line between the good guys and the bad guys (in the real world it is never that simple), but you create a character that does very bad things, but still has some sense of right and wrong at the end of the day. I would like to see maybe a more thorough explanation of why Marlo and his gang chose to start killing people. Is Marlo an anarchist trying to just create havoc, is there something in his past that he is trying reconcile by committing these murders, or perhaps he expressing his frustration with his socioeconomic status? As a reader, I have a hard time connecting emotionally with Marlo if his reason for killing is “just for fun.” That just doesn’t cut it for me.

As you revise, I would try to build up Marlo’s internal conflict more, with the climax of the story coming when Marlo realizes that he needs to take matters into his own hands and stop what he created. If you can achieve that you will have a very powerful story on your hands. Up to this point, the story is just 9 pages of sensationalized violence with no real point.

A couple of quick things:

-There were a couple of points when I felt like the dialogue was a little unnatural for me…On the second page when Marlo says “as cliché as it is” I guess I just don’t see a gangster off the street using the word cliché. Also if you have to qualify his statement as being clichéd maybe you can come up with something more meaningful for him to say in that situation. Also, a few lines down Marlo says “they’re going to read your piece”…Again, I don’t see Marlo using the word “piece” to describe a work of writing. Maybe as a synonym for his gun, but certainly not for a work of writing.

-When you break into the narrative about the killings, one idea I had would be to write those as if they were taken directly out of the newspaper. I think it would definitely work in this story because the narrator is a newspaper reporter. Instead of saying, Marlow and his gang beat up a man on the street…you could say…A man was found beaten and shot to death on 25th street. The police have no suspects. Then as you build up the story you can add things in the articles about how the police say they are closing in on the suspects, blah, blah (even though according to Marlo they weren’t). Writing the newspaper articles would also help you express the feelings of uneasiness the public would be feeling as these murders were going on. I think it would help add extra depth to the story. Because Marlo comes right out and says that he committed the murders the reader will connect the dots between the articles and Marlo.

These are just some things that I thought about as I read the story...let me know if you have any questions about what I wrote. I did this pretty quickly so I'm sure there are some grammatical errors thrown in there too.

[Herbsinator]

Re: OS Off Topic 2009

Nope, nothing. No love conquests/success/failures/etc either..it's been a boring *** week in this thread.

There was that little flare up about the gun control issue that spilled over into Off Topic...but Sheriff Matrix put an end to that nonsense, lol.

[DTX3]

Re: OS Off Topic 2009

Note to self: Save the stepmill for your last workout.

[callmetaternuts]

Re: OS Off Topic 2009

Nice to see the market have a bit of a rebound yesterday, now if house prices can stabilize (or increase), things might get moving. Consumer confidence ftw.

[slickdtc]

Re: OS Off Topic 2009

Think I'm getting sick. The crazy weather is not helping. Either is running out into freezing temperatures with just shorts on.

[Cebby]

Re: OS Off Topic 2009

I just went to class and found out it was group project day (I'm flying solo).

While finding out class is canceled is normally awesome, I have one right after, so I come home for about 30 minutes.

[Beantown]

Re: OS Off Topic 2009

Thanks for the feedback, Herbs, elTodd and Razr.

I spent about 45 minutes revising this morning - adding more dialogue in the story to try and incorporate some of the "inner working" comments that you had about Marlo.

I'll let you know how the workshop goes on Thursday.

[elTodd]

Re: OS Off Topic 2009

Thanks for the feedback, Herbs, elTodd and Razr.

I spent about 45 minutes revising this morning - adding more dialogue in the story to try and incorporate some of the "inner working" comments that you had about Marlo.

I'll let you know how the workshop goes on Thursday.

Yeah, keep us updated. I would love to read a revised version.

[Beantown]

Re: OS Off Topic 2009

Yeah, keep us updated. I would love to read a revised version.

I didn't add too much this morning - merely extended a few of the Marlo/Reporter dialogue scenes - so the current copy isn't different enough to read, in my opinion.

My creative writing class workshops the story Thursday, so I may revise it over the weekend. I'll let you know how the class received the story and then let ya know any updates I make.

[Brandwin]

Re: OS Off Topic 2009

Anyone have tips on warming up a hamburger patty in the microwave? Everytime I bring leftover hamburgers to work for lunch, I end up warming it up wrong or something, because half the meat is too hard to eat.

[JohnnytheSkin]

Re: OS Off Topic 2009

Anyone have tips on warming up a hamburger paty in the microwave? Everytime I bring leftover hamburgers to work for lunch, I end up warming it up wrong or something, because half the meat is too hard to eat.

The only things I can think of would be to cover the container you are heating the patty in or maybe wrap it in a paper towel...basically you need to try and keep the moisture in.