Divorce

[cable guy]

Re: Divorce

This is solid advance. I've been there before too (divorce in 2004). Don't take anything I say as gospel but, from my experience once a woman is done she's done. Hopefully, for your sake I'm wrong but, if I were you I would start looking out for #1 and get yourself prepared. If you have a joint checking account I'd go ahead and get my own. My ex pulled basically the same thing and wanted "time". Then when we separated she ended up almost clearing out our bank account. If I were you I'd try to stay busy too. Pick up a hobby or go out golfing or something with your guy friends. There's nothing worse than sitting at home alone with a wondering mind. Other than that I don't have much advice to give. I know it sucks and it probably will for a while but, at this point the only thing that can help is time.

I am thinking the same thing about needing time. I think its over, and dont see how time is going to fix things if in her opinion they were not good the last 3 years. Well, at least that is what she tells me. Just 2 weeks before this happened, She just basically told me how much she loves me and couldnt imagine here life without me.

And I am preparing for a new door to open for the rest of my life.

Keeping busy is key. And as you say a new hobby.

[cable guy]

Re: Divorce

DO NOT CALL HER. IGNORE HER. I know it is easier said than done, but do not do it for any reason. And when or if she calls, sound happy (even if its fake). Don't ask about getting together, beg or plead with her. If she does bring up any issues with you, agree with her and don't try and explain yourself.

This is the EXACT advice i got from ALL my friends and family... And of course like an idiot, did not heed the advice.

I basically pushed here farther away out the gate. Which was a pivitol time imo. I did everything the opposite of what you just said.

[Phobia]

Re: Divorce

I am thinking the same thing about needing time. I think its over, and dont see how time is going to fix things if in her opinion they were not good the last 3 years. Well, at least that is what she tells me. Just 2 weeks before this happened, She just basically told me how much she loves me and couldnt imagine here life without me.

And I am preparing for a new door to open for the rest of my life.

Keeping busy is key. And as you say a new hobby.

Is the hot and cold spells common with her. Some women go from one extreme to another with very little backing. So maybe she is just one of those "overly emotional" type and you did something that pissed her off royally. So now her frame of mind is "I just want him out of my sight".

If history is a indicator and she has always been quick to jump from one extreme to another then it could just mean she needs time. But the negative to that is you will have to deal with these drastic mood swings often and you never know when the next one could mean "I need more time".

Just going off your last statement. It does seem odd that she would invision her life with no one else only a matter of weeks before and then now can't see staying with you. But hey women are some moody *** creatures and trying to understand them completely is a lost cause

[cable guy]

Re: Divorce

If you can owe up or know what you did, you can change and she will see it. But a lot times when they say it is a time issue, usually the other person met someone. Be honest with her and ask her if she met someone. If she did. Then you can go from there. Your in my prayers man.

I apologized several times. And told here i changed overnight. After a week. I toally took ALL blame. I manned up because it was my fault. She did not believe me about changing, saying its impossible to change that fast. She is probably right. But even as of now I believe I did change. I believe, in my head anyway, i Was presented with a total life changing experience. I am may be wrong and not thinking properly. But I honestly believe I did.

I am thinking the same thing about meeting someone else. In which case I would be absolutely done. It would make it easy for me to end this.

Thankyou so much for keeping me in your prayers!

[kt-od]

Re: Divorce

I just read through this thread. Such heart-break in this thread. I'm so sorry to hear some of you that are going through a divorce, or on the brink of one. My wife and I mentor engaged and newly married couples in a group based setting.

If any of you that are contemplating divorce or getting married consider finding a councilor that does Prepare/Enrich. It is a proven study that helps build strong marriages and reconcile hurting ones.

[jeremym480]

Re: Divorce

If you don't mind me asking CG how long have you been married for? And are there kids involved? You don't have to answer if it's to personal.

[cable guy]

Re: Divorce

not always true though. Not knowing what he did, it's hard to say. But sometimes they mean what they say. She will talk about it when she is ready. Don't force her or try to get her to talk about whatever is bothering her.

I actually do know Heelfan.

And now I will tell you guys.

I drank too much. Not a fall down alcholic, but 6 -12 beers every night is too much when you have responsibilty and a family. And it was alot more on weekends. It happened so fast. A year and a half is all it took. A long time I suppose, even in a 10 year marriage. It was a long too watch me destroy myself she said. On top of that I did not do anything around the house to help anymore. I was just worried about drinking. And also, as she said I had no drive or ambition. Yes, I wasnt much.

BUT here is the thing. She drank with me half the time. Most of the time we partied with our best friends across the street. But she got her stuff done. I didnt.

And btw I started AA 2 weeks ago. I loved my beer. Always have. Had great times. But at the same time it ruined my life at the end.

[cable guy]

Re: Divorce

Is the hot and cold spells common with her. Some women go from one extreme to another with very little backing. So maybe she is just one of those "overly emotional" type and you did something that pissed her off royally. So now her frame of mind is "I just want him out of my sight".

If history is a indicator and she has always been quick to jump from one extreme to another then it could just mean she needs time. But the negative to that is you will have to deal with these drastic mood swings often and you never know when the next one could mean "I need more time".

Just going off your last statement. It does seem odd that she would invision her life with no one else only a matter of weeks before and then now can't see staying with you. But hey women are some moody *** creatures and trying to understand them completely is a lost cause

Yeah now that you mention it she has been the type to jump from one extreme to another. It has been like that all through our marriage. She is very sensitive and emotional. But has a strong will and determination at the same time.

[cable guy]

Re: Divorce

If you don't mind me asking CG how long have you been married for? And are there kids involved? You don't have to answer if it's to personal.

10 years and 3 kids.

[Phobia]

Re: Divorce

Sorry to hear that Cable, Stay strong my friend and just keep your head on track. If you guys go your separate ways, have faith everything will be fine in time. Time heals everything.

She could just be on a hot spell and will level off in time.

Take care Man!

[Heelfan71]

Re: Divorce

This is the EXACT advice i got from ALL my friends and family... And of course like an idiot, did not heed the advice.

I basically pushed here farther away out the gate. Which was a pivitol time imo. I did everything the opposite of what you just said.

It's not too late though. To do the right thing. Everyone acts silly at first, but the only way she will ever believe you have changed is to not call her and act silly.

I actually do know Heelfan.

And now I will tell you guys.

I drank too much. Not a fall down alcholic, but 6 -12 beers every night is too much when you have responsibilty and a family. And it was alot more on weekends. It happened so fast. A year and a half is all it took. A long time I suppose, even in a 10 year marriage. It was a long too watch me destroy myself she said. On top of that I did not do anything around the house to help anymore. I was just worried about drinking. And also, as she said I had no drive or ambition. Yes, I wasnt much.

BUT here is the thing. She drank with me half the time. Most of the time we partied with our best friends across the street. But she got her stuff done. I didnt.

And btw I started AA 2 weeks ago. I loved my beer. Always have. Had great times. But at the same time it ruined my life at the end.

That is a lot of damn beer ! You did the right thing. Now just give her space. If you do what I mentioned above and stick with AA, maybe she will see change. But I guarantee you that telling her you changed will just make her mad. You have to show her. Right now the only way you can show her is to stop calling / texting etc. her.

1. Don't contact her ! No matter what. No matter how hard it may be.
2. Think positive. Remind yourself you will be okay no matter what and that everything will work out for the best.

p.s. don't tell her you are sorry anymore either. That will make her mad. Basically anything you say will make her mad.

[Flightwhite24]

Re: Divorce

Just give it a little time, seems like this may be repairable. Remember "TIME" is what she is asking and to prove to someone that you may have a drinking problem that is cured is gonna take longer than overnight/1 week.

To prove that you are going to be a different person and have drive/and other issues she may have had about you is gonna take "TIME"

Along with the above mentioned the above posters are giving you solid advice and it does not take a professional to tell you what you need to do even though it will help greatly in your case if you do work things out counseling should be a priority.

If you disagree with her on desolving your marriage I don't think nothing is wrong in making that known. You guys have 10 years together and that is a long time to throw it all away. From what you have said I would venture to say it's not an outsider that's causing the problems. Again "TIME" to prove that you have indeed changed very well might save your marriage.

Again, hang in there and in time it can/will work itself out no matter the outcome.

[Flightwhite24]

Re: Divorce

Hey Heelfan he has to talk to her from time to time due to the kids. I am gonna go out on a limb and say what you are saying is talk to her regarding there relationship? Correct?

It might be good to seek counseling on how to handle things in regards to the kids so they won't suffer from this. Believe me it can be damaging in regards to the kids if not handled right. If I can offer in advice in regards to the children it would be to not say anything negative about there mother. Keep things in a positive light and don't try to sway there thinking in your favor.

[Scottdau]

Re: Divorce

I apologized several times. And told here i changed overnight. After a week. I toally took ALL blame. I manned up because it was my fault. She did not believe me about changing, saying its impossible to change that fast. She is probably right. But even as of now I believe I did change. I believe, in my head anyway, i Was presented with a total life changing experience. I am may be wrong and not thinking properly. But I honestly believe I did.

I am thinking the same thing about meeting someone else. In which case I would be absolutely done. It would make it easy for me to end this.

Thankyou so much for keeping me in your prayers!

Well in all honesty you didn't yet. Unless you really did. I will say this you are the first person I know of that changed that fast. You need to let her see the change. It is not easy, but if there is not another person involved then it will probably be easier for her to see the change. You are in my prayers.

[Scottdau]

Re: Divorce

I actually do know Heelfan.

And now I will tell you guys.

I drank too much. Not a fall down alcholic, but 6 -12 beers every night is too much when you have responsibilty and a family. And it was alot more on weekends. It happened so fast. A year and a half is all it took. A long time I suppose, even in a 10 year marriage. It was a long too watch me destroy myself she said. On top of that I did not do anything around the house to help anymore. I was just worried about drinking. And also, as she said I had no drive or ambition. Yes, I wasnt much.

BUT here is the thing. She drank with me half the time. Most of the time we partied with our best friends across the street. But she got her stuff done. I didnt.

And btw I started AA 2 weeks ago. I loved my beer. Always have. Had great times. But at the same time it ruined my life at the end.

Keep going to AA and if you really want to change stick with it. If she sees the change and see it for real, she might come back. But seeing your love one drinking their life away is very tough. Especially when you stopped helping around the house. If you quit the drinking then I can see you guys saving the marriage.