Divorce

[bluengold34_OS]

Re: Divorce

You know the one thing I never understood about breakups/divorce is that most people feel like they have to be douchebags to each other. Why can't adults understand that there was a time where they loved each other, raised kids together, vacationed together..

I understand that certain things happen that may create the feeling of hate, but why do people feel the need to bury the other person in the ground with pure hatred and malicious, immature actions.

[Scottdau]

Re: Divorce

You know the one thing I never understood about breakups/divorce is that most people feel like they have to be douchebags to each other. Why can't adults understand that there was a time where they loved each other, raised kids together, vacationed together..

I understand that certain things happen that may create the feeling of hate, but why do people feel the need to bury the other person in the ground with pure hatred and malicious, immature actions.

That is becasue most people don't want to take responsibility. It is easier to put it all on the spouse. So each side gets mean and hurtful. That is just my opinion though.

[J.R. Locke]

Re: Divorce

You know the one thing I never understood about breakups/divorce is that most people feel like they have to be douchebags to each other. Why can't adults understand that there was a time where they loved each other, raised kids together, vacationed together..

I understand that certain things happen that may create the feeling of hate, but why do people feel the need to bury the other person in the ground with pure hatred and malicious, immature actions.

Usually because one wants to stay married and the other doesn't or they at least blame the other = hate!!

Who knows what to say to someone going through that. My brother was engaged and had to break it off when his fiance wouldn't move with him to grad school. All I did was wish him the best I didn't get along with his fiancee at all though.

[homer73]

Re: Divorce

I'm just starting to go through this process. I've been married for 13 years and have 4 beautiful children (5,5,7,12yrs.)... our relationship has been pretty damn good, we do things together, active sex life... (she admits all these things).
This past Tuesday she comes back from one of her mothers of multiples meetings and tells me we are getting a divorce, that she is in love some other man (says still loves me) and that they have been together for the last year and a half. The guy she's having the affair with has 2 kids (1,2?)
I had no clue.
Seriously wtf?

[Pared]

Re: Divorce

So the other guy is having an affair too??

Damn dude... sorry to hear that. I know it's your wife... but that's extremely selfish of that blank.

[Scottdau]

Re: Divorce

I'm just starting to go through this process. I've been married for 13 years and have 4 beautiful children (5,5,7,12yrs.)... our relationship has been pretty damn good, we do things together, active sex life... (she admits all these things).
This past Tuesday she comes back from one of her mothers of multiples meetings and tells me we are getting a divorce, that she is in love some other man (says still loves me) and that they have been together for the last year and a half. The guy she's having the affair with has 2 kids (1,2?)
I had no clue.
Seriously wtf?

Wow, that is heavy. If she is unfaithful then I say it is best to move on. Unless you can get over that. I don't think I could. If my wife cheated on me I am pretty sure it would be over. Good luck with all this bro and hang in there.

[mkharsh33]

Re: Divorce

hope you guys don't mind if i jump into the conversation...in my work i deal with this kind of stuff...

i'd suggest a book: "Good Grief" by Granger Westberg (you can search it on amazon)

It's specifically for people who deal with death, but the thoughts can lined up for those dealing with divorce. It talks about the "stages of grief" that everyone goes through...they don't always come in order, but they'll at least prepare someone for the emotions they'll deal with. As someone here already noted, divorce is worse than death because the loved one still remains. Separation of a death is a little easier (and i use that term loosely) to deal with because there is finality and closure. In divorce there is no such thing, especially if each person lives near and has children that brings them into some sort of contact with each other.

A bit of a warning: the book is written from a slightly christian perspective, but it's not overly preachy. i've taught at our church on the subject and i use the ideas presented in the book. but i could also take those thoughts (i believe there are 7 key points) and share them with anyone dealing with various "forms" of grief.

my heart goes out to you guys who are dealing with this. i am married (same woman for 11 years) and have 4 children. the one gift my wife and i have vowed to give our kids is the gift of knowing that mom AND dad will always be there for them and they never have to worry or fear that we will one day not be there. obviously death is another story, but divorce is a willful decision that is based on numerous factors involved. i've always told a couple that they should reconcile if they can...but if there is emotional or physical abuse, incessant alcohol or drugs, or infidelity - i suggest they part ways. i NEVER tell anyone to stay together for the sake of their kids...marriage is about the couple and a love/trust relationship. saving a marriage for the sake of the kids is stupid.

and to those of you married guys: show your wife (in good taste) affection in front of your kids. you'll never know what it means to your kid to see you love your wife. your boys will learn how to treat a woman and your daughters will see that love is based on something solid, not just about looks other crap that could cause her issues later in life (eating disorders and emotional problems). we live in a very fragile world today...marriages are ending at a rapid rate, even passing over the 50+% mark - so they're failing terribly.

one final thought: if you are going to get divorced, do NOT jump right into another relationship...typically you never PROPERLY mourn and close out a previous relationship and bring that baggage with you. you'll soon discover that the things you didn't like about your previous spouse or the reasons that caused that prior marriage to end in divorce will start rearing their ugly heads again. give it time and come to grips with why it failed, not just jump into another relationship for the sake of having someone in your life. (and those types of people tend to find each other as well - not a good mix).

not trying to play dr. phil here, just thought i'd share some things i've learned in both my experiences and area of work i do.

[Scottdau]

Re: Divorce

hope you guys don't mind if i jump into the conversation...in my work i deal with this kind of stuff...

i'd suggest a book: "Good Grief" by Granger Westberg (you can search it on amazon)

It's specifically for people who deal with death, but the thoughts can lined up for those dealing with divorce. It talks about the "stages of grief" that everyone goes through...they don't always come in order, but they'll at least prepare someone for the emotions they'll deal with. As someone here already noted, divorce is worse than death because the loved one still remains. Separation of a death is a little easier (and i use that term loosely) to deal with because there is finality and closure. In divorce there is no such thing, especially if each person lives near and has children that brings them into some sort of contact with each other.

A bit of a warning: the book is written from a slightly christian perspective, but it's not overly preachy. i've taught at our church on the subject and i use the ideas presented in the book. but i could also take those thoughts (i believe there are 7 key points) and share them with anyone dealing with various "forms" of grief.

my heart goes out to you guys who are dealing with this. i am married (same woman for 11 years) and have 4 children. the one gift my wife and i have vowed to give our kids is the gift of knowing that mom AND dad will always be there for them and they never have to worry or fear that we will one day not be there. obviously death is another story, but divorce is a willful decision that is based on numerous factors involved. i've always told a couple that they should reconcile if they can...but if there is emotional or physical abuse, incessant alcohol or drugs, or infidelity - i suggest they part ways. i NEVER tell anyone to stay together for the sake of their kids...marriage is about the couple and a love/trust relationship. saving a marriage for the sake of the kids is stupid.

and to those of you married guys: show your wife (in good taste) affection in front of your kids. you'll never know what it means to your kid to see you love your wife. your boys will learn how to treat a woman and your daughters will see that love is based on something solid, not just about looks other crap that could cause her issues later in life (eating disorders and emotional problems). we live in a very fragile world today...marriages are ending at a rapid rate, even passing over the 50+% mark - so they're failing terribly.

one final thought: if you are going to get divorced, do NOT jump right into another relationship...typically you never PROPERLY mourn and close out a previous relationship and bring that baggage with you. you'll soon discover that the things you didn't like about your previous spouse or the reasons that caused that prior marriage to end in divorce will start rearing their ugly heads again. give it time and come to grips with why it failed, not just jump into another relationship for the sake of having someone in your life. (and those types of people tend to find each other as well - not a good mix).

not trying to play dr. phil here, just thought i'd share some things i've learned in both my experiences and area of work i do.

Very good post.

[homer73]

Re: Divorce

Good post.

I offered another chance... like I said I was totally blindsided, but she's adamant. She wants total 50/50 split, but we are having a few hangups on the kids... and I feel like I need to at least consult a lawyer. Yesterday and today have been a little better because at least I know it's over.. over... but we are living in the same house and she told the kids that she did a very bad thing to me and that im mad at her. (wtf again??) It's just very f'ing weird.

[MassNole]

Re: Divorce

Good post.

I offered another chance... like I said I was totally blindsided, but she's adamant. She wants total 50/50 split, but we are having a few hangups on the kids... and I feel like I need to at least consult a lawyer. Yesterday and today have been a little better because at least I know it's over.. over... but we are living in the same house and she told the kids that she did a very bad thing to me and that im mad at her. (wtf again??) It's just very f'ing weird.

She shouldn't be talking to that about the kids at ALL!

[Scottdau]

Re: Divorce

she is making it look like it is you asking for this. She took responsibility about why you are getting a divorce, but she is not being completely honest with the kids. This could get messy.

[slickdtc]

Re: Divorce

I'm just starting to go through this process. I've been married for 13 years and have 4 beautiful children (5,5,7,12yrs.)... our relationship has been pretty damn good, we do things together, active sex life... (she admits all these things).
This past Tuesday she comes back from one of her mothers of multiples meetings and tells me we are getting a divorce, that she is in love some other man (says still loves me) and that they have been together for the last year and a half. The guy she's having the affair with has 2 kids (1,2?)
I had no clue.
Seriously wtf?

That is bull****. The only comfort you can take is that she's going to get hers eventually. She had feelings for someone else (or doubts about your relationship) and didn't even have the decency to bring it up when it first started happening. Instead, she hid it from you and your family. That just... ahhhh, it just pisses me off!

How can someone throw away all those memories?

I'll never understand.

But I'm sorry about your situation. It must be terrible hearing that you've done nothing wrong yet she wants out just because. That has got to be so frustrating for you. Just keep a cool head and let things play out. Good luck!

[homer73]

Re: Divorce

Thanks guys... worst part is hanging out in the house with her here. Just uncomfortable silence. I'm not even going to talk to her about this stuff again till after I consult with a lawyer and look at my choices.
She told me earlier not to involve a lawyer, that we dont have the money right now... pisser is couple of her good friends are lawyers. (but on the other hand if she had talked to them would she be admitting all this?)

[Cebby]

Re: Divorce

Thanks guys... worst part is hanging out in the house with her here. Just uncomfortable silence. I'm not even going to talk to her about this stuff again till after I consult with a lawyer and look at my choices.
She told me earlier not to involve a lawyer, that we dont have the money right now... pisser is couple of her good friends are lawyers. (but on the other hand if she had talked to them would she be admitting all this?)

Definitely talk to a lawyer and quick.

Just doing some quick reading, VA does seem to be a state where adultery is a factor, but it if you wait a while, it can be considered forgiven.

She's already been lying to you for a year and a half; you damn sure don't want to listen to her on anything.

[mkharsh33]

Re: Divorce

you might want to get some good advice from a lawyer before filing...

not sure about this, but i've heard people say that the person who files ends up with a higher expense (but i couldn't say this with 100% certainty).