Confidence with women - Problems with self acceptance

[ODogg]

I have to speak my mind here about two very conflicting viewpoints that society has in regards to attractiveness and what makes someone attractive. Here are the two theories:

1. Dress nice, groom yourself, be in good health (ie not overweight) and just in general present yourself nicely.

2. Be yourself.

I am bringing this up because, as many of you know, I'm a total strikeout with women. Well I should clarify, i'm a strikeout with women I find attractive. Yes I could probably get a woman just to get one but that is not the point as I have decided I am not going to get one just for the sake of having someone. Anyways, I have been overweight by about 50 to 100 pounds since I had major, reconstructive knee surgery in 1998. I have had somewhat low self esteem in regards to the looks department prior to the weight gain but since then I've gone from low to zero.

I have read that in order to do well with the opposite sex you must like yourself. You must be able to look in the mirror and be comfortable with what you see staring back at you. I have even read that you need to ask yourself "would I date this guy?" if you were a member of the opposite sex. I can safely say I would not date myself. I cannot stand the fact that I am overweight. I know it's unhealthy but I dwell on it, I obsess over it and I can rarely think of nothing other than fixing it.

I know it's unhealthy to be overweight but at this point I'm wondering if it's more unhealthy to be in the mental shape that I am in now. I know some of you are probably wondering "well what are you doing about it?". I am doing plenty. I am working out with a personal trainer and going to the gym 5 or 6 times a week. Every morsel of food that crosses my lips is logged into a tracker. But still none of this is enough. I find myself insulting myself at every turn and have gotten to the point where I can hardly even look at myself in a reflection without thinking "god what a lard@ss!!"

The funny thing is that I know logically i'm not all that fat. My conscious mind tells me also that comparative to most men I am not all that bad looking. But it's not as strong as my subconscious mind which finds that it must constantly find myself unworthy. Yes I do blame a lot of this on society and it's obsession with looks but I also know that a lot of folks are quite comfortable with who they are and are rewarded in life comparatively, usually with healthy friendships and relationships with the opposite sex.

I have been nearly thin in the past but found that a lot of these issues did not go away entirely. When I was in Texas I lost 70 pounds and was only about 20 pounds from my healthy weight but I still could only focus on those last 20 pounds. I wonder what will happen when I lose this weight? From others in fat forums i've spoken to they say often this will not ever quit. Once the weight is gone there will be something else. I honestly do not understand, and honestly envy, guys and gals who are happy with who they are, even if it is not scientifically healthy (in regards to weight).

So I guess i'm posting this to ask everyone for advice on reconciling the entire two opposing viewpoints. Does anyone have any advice to help me out in regards to helping me eliminate some of this self hatred and obsession with my looks and more importantly my weight? How can I be myself if I don't like who I am??

[Scottdau]

Re: Confidence with women - Problems with self acceptance

No disrespect here, but you have to lower your expectations. I know a lot disagree. But to get a hot looking girl you have to money or be hot your self. It is what it is. Also, don't be so hung up on looks. You have to be attracted to the woman, but looks come and go. If you really want to meet some one. Go out with anyone that will go out with you. And see where that goes. Even if you are not completely attracted to them; still go out with them. What happens you start to get attracted to them. That is how it was with my wife and me. We were not attracted to each other at all. We were just friends and we spent so much time together we started to get attracted to each other.

[ODogg]

Re: Confidence with women - Problems with self acceptance

No disrespect here, but you have to lower your expectations. I know a lot disagree. But to get a hot looking girl you have to money or be hot your self. It is what it is. Also, don't be so hung up on looks. You have to be attracted to the woman, but looks come and go. If you really want to meet some one. Go out with anyone that will go out with you. And see where that goes. Even if you are not completely attracted to them; still go out with them. What happens you start to get attracted to them. That is how it was with my wife and me. We were not attracted to each other at all. We were just friends and we spent so much time together we started to get attracted to each other.

Well I never said my standards weren't pretty low, they are...I just will not lower them to basically nothing. I do think you make an excellent point though about maybe finding someone more attractive when you get to know them. My mom gave me the exact same advice.

I guess my point is that improving yourself, your overall self, is healthy but at what point does it go from being healthy to being a severe hindrance in your every day interactions?

[Scottdau]

Re: Confidence with women - Problems with self acceptance

Well I never said my standards weren't pretty low, they are...I just will not lower them to basically nothing. I do think you make an excellent point though about maybe finding someone more attractive when you get to know them. My mom gave me the exact same advice.

I guess my point is that improving yourself, your overall self, is healthy but at what point does it go from being healthy to being a severe hindrance in your every day interactions?

It is true. And the reason why is becasue looks only go so far. I have dated my share of hot women and I mean hot women. And sure it was great at first, but I will tell you the truth. It was so boring to talk to them after awhile. My wife is cute and very attracted, but I was not attracted to her at all. She was not my type and we have been married for 14 years. My point is go out with as many girls that you can and see where it goes from there.

[TheLetterZ]

Re: Confidence with women - Problems with self acceptance

I don't understand where those two theories conflict. Be your best self.

[ODogg]

Re: Confidence with women - Problems with self acceptance

I don't understand where those two theories conflict. Be your best self.

They conflict for me because one theory is telling you to accept who you are whereas the other one is telling you that you need to improve yourself. I suppose if you were not overweight and liked, or at least accepted, your looks then they would not conflict though.

For someone like myself who weighs 280 or so pounds though all I hear about is the overweight aspect of unhealthiness. And regardless of what women say I know it is a definitive factor in getting turned down. Although from what I have learned from talking to other folks, great confidence and self-acceptance can counter the overweight aspect.

[Scottdau]

Re: Confidence with women - Problems with self acceptance

With me it was easy to get a girl. I would just be fake with them. I just wanted to get into their pants. So I told them what they wanted to hear. Now that I am older that was wrong and I am not about that anymore. That is why you see all these affairs happening on line and in chatrooms. People can be who ever they want. Most people just want to feel like someone cares about them. So they act like they care and that they are this great person. Be yourself; that is the best you can do. And date as much as you can.

[ODogg]

Re: Confidence with women - Problems with self acceptance

date as much as you can.

I must confess that I haven't gone on a date since my knee surgery and subsequent weight gain in 1998. Isn't that ridiculous??

[Scottdau]

Re: Confidence with women - Problems with self acceptance

I will told what my daddy told me. And it is true. You turn them upside down and they are all the same. I know that is bad, but in a way it is true. So find the one that you like to be around and like to talk to. Looks are so overrated. Now you have to some attraction to them, but trust not as much as you think. If my wife got in a bad accident and lost her face, I would still be there for her and love her. That is what it really comes down too.

[Scottdau]

Re: Confidence with women - Problems with self acceptance

I must confess that I haven't gone on a date since my knee surgery and subsequent weight gain in 1998. Isn't that ridiculous??

Not really you are a shy person, but let me tell you something! That doesn't matter. You go out and ask women out. They say no you say cool and go ask another woman out. We get wrap in the rejection too much. Who cares if they say no. You just move on to the next one.

[ODogg]

Re: Confidence with women - Problems with self acceptance

Not really you are a shy person, but let me tell you something! That doesn't matter. You go out and ask women out. They say no you say cool and go ask another woman out. We get wrap in the rejection too much. Who cares if they say no. You just move on to the next one.

That is good advice. You are right that I am wrapped up too much in the drama of rejection. However it's one thing to logically identify a problem and another to actually be able to follow through on it.

[Skerik]

Re: Confidence with women - Problems with self acceptance

Watch the movie, "Hitch."

I know it's fiction, but there's truth in them hills. Women are attracted to how you carry yourself and if you don't even like yourself, that's going to be extremely evident to any women who come in contact with you.

Like Z said, be the best you. Because first and foremost, it's you who need to like yourself and then others will as well. If the person you need to look in the mirror and respect weighs 280 lbs, be that person. If that person weighs 180 lbs, be that person. But if you don't like yourself then nobody else will, so you need to find whatever you makes you happy.

Also, ask yourself if you would date the person you know you truly are - the person underneath whatever physical imperfections you see when you look in the mirror. That's what women are going to see when you are able to carry yourself with confidence and self-esteem and in turn this will help you see through the physical imperfections of others in your quest to find a kindred spirit.

[TheLetterZ]

Re: Confidence with women - Problems with self acceptance

Skerik's right - wow, I feel dirty saying that.

Being your best self means just that - being the best version of you. It doesn't mean you have to be someone else.

Why should women like you if you don't even like yourself?

Scott's right too.

I need to take a shower.

[Laettner32]

Re: Confidence with women - Problems with self acceptance

I know this is crazy, but I watched that show the Pick Up Artist and that sh$# works. B4 I go on, I am married and have never cheated on my wife in 10 years. Honest Injun.

One night, some guys from work went out and asked me to go ( after saying "no thanks" many times, I finally agreed). After a few beers, I wondered if I still had it. I saw my buddies talking to all these girls and I just watched. So I figured what the hell, let's have some fun. I said to myself, no matter what their first reaction is keep gaming 'em.

So I go up to a couple of ladies, probably 35-37 years old at the bar(I am 37). I just start up a basic conversation with them. They kinda look at each other and politely engage me, after a minute or two I get a cold shoulder ("slut defense" just like I saw on TV, they don't want to seem to interested right away especially in front of a girlfriend.) I was ready for it, and instead of walking away, I asked a few more questions. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE! The hot one kept talking, and even followed me when I went back to my friends table. They were shocked to see me with a hottie.

Anyway, they left to go to another bar and asked me to go with them, I politely declined and said I had to go home. I've been married 11 years and I still got it!

Just say "screw it" and talk to 'em. Who cares if you get the cold shoulder, try a little longer...if nothing changes, change of venue man. Ladies can smell "weakness" and don't like it. Act like the person you want to be.

[stewaat]

Re: Confidence with women - Problems with self acceptance

You gotta go after girls you realistically think you can get and you just have to try.

Worst thing that happens is they reject you. Pick it up and move on to the next one.