Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

[CMH]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

My oldest brother and my father have a very strained relationship. No matter how hard my brother tries to reconcile things with my father, my father just doesn't seem to want to cooperate. Its seems like my brother can just do no right in my fathers eyes for some reason. Anyway, a relationship is a two way street, and if one person isn't doing their part then it might be best to keep your distance. But when/if your father ever has a change of heart...you should always be willing to have an open heart. You should always love your father, but sometimes it may be necessary to love him from a distance. And a little prayer never hurts.

.....but what do I know? I'm just some random dude on the internet lol.

Are you my younger brother?

[HAILAS]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

Don't change your last name - that just seems like an immature screw-you gesture. Plus, I'm pretty sure that would be a tough adjustment at this point in your life anyway.

As far as the relationship goes, don't go out of your way to cut ties with your dad - just keep occasionally trying to communicate without forcing the issue. If it works itself out, great, and if not, at least you know you tried.

Good luck, man.

^^
wishing you the best as well

[ODogg]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

I realize that by changing my name that it would completely end the possibility but honestly I've been considering it for a long time. Not as a "screw you" gesture, although I'm sure it could be seen that way, but more because of the fact that I was raised by my mom's side of the family and don't really consider myself a part of my dad's side of the family. I've always felt like my name didn't say who I was at all.

My mother's side of the family are Murphy's so I've been considering changing it to Murphy. It's a good Irish name and I feel it represents who I am much better than Hough, which is my dad's side of the family and is a German name.

The only reason I have not done the name change yet is, as you guys say, it will pretty much seal the deal. At this point though I'm beginning to think, I'm 39 years old, if it hasn't happened by now then it won't ever happen and I might as well forge my own identity.

[Heelfan71]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

and changing your name makes things better how? Maybe instead of asking people you don't know, you should talk to him face to face and lay it all on the table on how you feel.

[BunnyHardaway]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

I have absolutely horrible relationships with both parents, so I know how you feel. I haven't had a good relationship with my dad since I was about 7 and haven't had a good one with my mom since I was about 10 or 11, and even then it was shaky. I basically waited for them to "give me the signal", and they made sure to deliver.

For my dad, he had another kid, stopped talking to/calling me often, and started doing some messed up things. I remember one day he locked me outside in my boxers in the middle of January because we were arguing over what to watch on TV. It got a little better over the years, but then last year he didn't give me a Christmas card and he forgot about my birthday. That was basically the last straw for me.

For my mom, it's been the countless *****ing at me and yelling at me for the dumbest things. I would do something like tell her one of my friends wanted me to visit them at school and I'd get yelled at. No matter what the argument was about, she'd turn it into "I pay this, this, and this, and noone else would". Then there was the whole BGSU thing (which I ended up handling wrong)....I almost had no college to go to if it wasn't for my family talking her into it. She won't let me come out to her house to visit the dogs, she didn't tell me she was getting married, didn't tell me when/where it was and where/when the reception was, I found all of that out from my aunt. Not to mention the dude she's marrying is a douche...I remember one day back in like September I heard him complain to my mom that I drank one (yes, one) of his cans of Mountain Dew, this being a day after he ate half of a pizza I bought for myself.

At my cousin's birthday party yesterday, we didn't talk or even make eye contact. She never admits being wrong or doing something wrong, and whenever I make a point during an argument, she either changes the subject or tells me she's going to sell my car. When you get treated like that for so long, it kind of takes a toll on you, and once I can get on my own two feet as far as paying my cell phone and car insurance, I'm cutting her off for good. I've been so much less stressed out since I moved out of there it's ridiculous.

By the sound of things, I'd do the same if I were in your shoes, too. I don't know about changing your name, but I wouldn't talk to your dad anymore.

[ODogg]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

and changing your name makes things better how? Maybe instead of asking people you don't know, you should talk to him face to face and lay it all on the table on how you feel.

Changing my name makes things better because as I said, your name is your identity and I have no connection to my current name. It's also a painful reminder of the fact that I've never been able to reconcile or be a part of that family.

As for talking to him face to face he doesn't really want to hear it. We had this issue with his first wife and his entire argument is that I accept him and his wife as a package and that's just how it is. Honestly I do not want to have a relationship with the woman because she's deceitful and manipulative (again just like his first wife).

And lest you think it may just be me, my older sister no longer speaks to him either. He is now estranged from 2 out of his 3 children.

[ODogg]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

I have absolutely horrible relationships with both parents, so I know how you feel. I haven't had a good relationship with my dad since I was about 7 and haven't had a good one with my mom since I was about 10 or 11, and even then it was shaky. I basically waited for them to "give me the signal", and they made sure to deliver.

For my dad, he had another kid, stopped talking to/calling me often, and started doing some messed up things. I remember one day he locked me outside in my boxers in the middle of January because we were arguing over what to watch on TV. It got a little better over the years, but then last year he didn't give me a Christmas card and he forgot about my birthday. That was basically the last straw for me.

For my mom, it's been the countless *****ing at me and yelling at me for the dumbest things. I would do something like tell her one of my friends wanted me to visit them at school and I'd get yelled at. No matter what the argument was about, she'd turn it into "I pay this, this, and this, and noone else would". Then there was the whole BGSU thing (which I ended up handling wrong)....I almost had no college to go to if it wasn't for my family talking her into it. She won't let me come out to her house to visit the dogs, she didn't tell me she was getting married, didn't tell me when/where it was and where/when the reception was, I found all of that out from my aunt. Not to mention the dude she's marrying is a douche...I remember one day back in like September I heard him complain to my mom that I drank one (yes, one) of his cans of Mountain Dew, this being a day after he ate half of a pizza I bought for myself.

At my cousin's birthday party yesterday, we didn't talk or even make eye contact. She never admits being wrong or doing something wrong, and whenever I make a point during an argument, she either changes the subject or tells me she's going to sell my car. When you get treated like that for so long, it kind of takes a toll on you, and once I can get on my own two feet as far as paying my cell phone and car insurance, I'm cutting her off for good. I've been so much less stressed out since I moved out of there it's ridiculous.

By the sound of things, I'd do the same if I were in your shoes, too. I don't know about changing your name, but I wouldn't talk to your dad anymore.

Wow man you def. have had it rough. It's amazing how immature parents can be. You would think they'd appreciate children for the gift that they are but then not everyone views it that way I guess.

[BunnyHardaway]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

Wow man you def. have had it rough. It's amazing how immature parents can be. You would think they'd appreciate children for the gift that they are but then not everyone views it that way I guess.

Well part of it is that they had me when they were 18, so I wasn't exactly planned, and obviously that's too young to know how to deal with all the responsibilities of parenting, but I think you still need to make the best of it and that is no excuse for their "behavior" in my 19 years.

[CMH]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

I never responded to you ODogg.

I get where people are coming from with suggesting you talk to him face-to-face, but I wouldn't recommend it. My dad and I have had a rocky relationship for a long time. I made my comment to bsb because it's always been the same thing with me. No matter what, I can do no good. It didn't matter that I basically had straight A's, played varsity baseball, or went to college on a 3/4 full ride; that I didn't do drugs, hang out late at night, or ignore my siblings when trying to set an example. All of that went to crap at any moment. I was constantly labeled as angry, lazy, and inconsiderate by my dad. I have no accomplishments, no skills, and was constantly questioned as to how anyone could want to be my friend.

It all seems very stupid and childish to care, but I made an effort to show that I was none of the negative things my dad labeled me. His argument was that he took my family out to the movies every Sunday so he was a good father. I never tried to bash him, I credited him for trying to be involved considering his work hours and providing for the family, and I was always the one that never asked him for a dime while my sister and brother still live off his dollars today; I haven't asked my dad for money since I graduated high school.

But in comparison, I'm the underachiever, I'm the failure, I'm the problem. I could never understand it and after years of arguments, years of trying to explain myself, years of never understanding why my words never made sense to him, I stopped caring.

The tipping point came when he left the apartment he lived in to my sister and I. He stayed for two weeks as he prepared to move to the Dominican Republic. I was home the day he left and I spent two days not even knowing that he had left. He never said good bye to me, despite me finding out that I was in my room the night he left. Now my mom (also lving in DR) texts me asking to say Happy Father's Day to my dad. I have no desire to. I can't see myself wishing him a Happy Father's Day when I can hardly believe he even cared to be one to me.

My point is this: The day I stopped caring (well with the exception of me telling this story because I obviously care enough to tell it) is the day I felt this huge load of stress lift off my shoulders. I have never been happier, more stress free, and relaxed in my life. I don't call him, don't talk to him, and don't care to hear from him. I don't have to go home and hear someone put me down and scrutinize every action I take. I haven't had to deal with a man judging my character and yelling to me until I yell back in agreement that I am all of the negative things he believes me to be. I am free. And I think you should just do the same.

It took me 27 years to do it and I couldn't imagine how I'd feel if I was in my 40's going through the same. Move on. You'll feel better.

[mgoblue]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

I wish you all the best in making this decision, sorry I can't help.

I know I'm lucky to have a great relationship with my parents, but I just cannot relate at all to what you're going through.

It does sound like you've thought it all through and have tried everything to get a relationship going...I'd think you're on the right path, just seems so hard to actually do the cutting off.

[Jonesy]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

I made the decision to stop communicating with my dad years ago and haven't spoken to him in probably 3 or 4 yrs.

My parents got divorced when i was young and my dad has always been a deadbeat (living in an old bus at one point, mooching money off me etc) and was never around much as my mum (and later my step dad) did a great job of raising me. I was sort of more "friends" with him rather than like a tradition father / son relationship and we sort of still kept in touch. I didn't really have any ill feelings against the man but i just didn't feel very strongly about him either if you know what i mean.

Years later he had re-married and had two more great kids and he up and did the same thing to them divorcing his 2nd wife and basically dropping his other two kids. At this point i said to myself "that is not the type of person i want in my life" so i basically stopped taking calls or replaying to emails. It was made easier because he had moved to live in Ireland of all places so we haven't spoke in years and i really don't miss him in the slightest.

It is sad in a kinda way because I have a beautiful daughter now and he doesn't even know he is a grandfather but i feel like he forfeited any right he had to be part of her life when he ran off on me then ran off on the two kids from his 2nd marriage. Not to mention the fact that because we haven't spoken in so long we are basically two strangers now and he would probably want to play "happy families" if we did meet which just reaks of fakeness which is something i would wish to avoid.

The ONLY thing i have in common with my father is our last name (Jones) and i regret not taking my step fathers name when he married my mum but i don't want to change it now. The main positive i have taken from the whole responsibilty is that i have used my biological father as a role model for how I DON'T want to be so i make the maximum effort to be as good a father and husband as i can be to prove to myself that i'm not like him.

Whatever you decide goodluck, all this family drama ain't good for the soul but just make the best decision you can then be prepared to live with the consequences.

[CMH]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

I will never sit here and say my dad beat me, left me for cold, or was a complete dead beat. I never had it that bad and I feel for those that did. I feel more of my situation is mental, just a mental abuse of trying to fit in and never being fully accepted.

Anyway, it goes to show that people can feel conflicted about this situation depending on several factors - none that might be similar. It's easier for me to understand the person that doesn't want to speak to their dead beat dad. From the outside looking in, my situation is probably seen as uncomfortable but not anything to get all teary eyed. Obviously, I'd argue otherwise and it's mostly the years of going through it that just made me realize I'm better off not dealing with it.

What I'm saying is simple: I'll never compare myself to others and what they have or might go through. I can't speak for your situation ODogg. I can't stand in your shoes and know how you felt growing up or how you felt last Christmas as you prepared to patch up past feelings and build a better relationship. I don't know.

So I just say what I did and how it made me feel. A dad is a dad and without one I wouldn't be here on this earth so for that I'm appreciative of him. But, no religion or law could ever tell me that I have to like a person just because they are blood. Some things are better left behind and pushed away so you can move on with your life. It's never easy when it's a parent and society makes it hard because we're expected to value that relationship. But it's a relationship like any other. It goes both ways and when it affects you then you have to make a decision. If cutting it off makes you a better person than ultimately you are doing what needs to be done. It's your life and your life only. Make the decision that will make it easier for you to be happy with it so that you can better share that love with others.

[ODogg]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

Yankeepride and Jonesy, thanks especially for sharing considering our situations seem quite similar. I also thank everyone else in the thread for taking the time to drop in and give various words of encouragement.

The issue for me is my dad has never really acted very mean or abusive in any way to me. He's always given me advice and seems to have my long-term interests at heart (here's what to do to buy a house, here's what to do to get good credit, etc) but then he's always been very apathetic about any real lines of communication and honestly I get the feeling that his advice that he gives out is not really all that much different than advice he may give to his butcher when getting meat at the grocery store, or to his auto mechanic or etc.

I've asked my mom about it and he told her at one point he just didn't like kids very much and he'd get to know me more when I got older. The problem is that we have nothing in common.

I'm a computer geek. He's a construction worker. I'm into technology. He's into tools. I'm into sports. He's into religion. I'm an intellectual, white collar guy. He's a cold beer, blue collar guy.

We simply have nothing in common really to have ever bonded. And to be honest I don't really have much feeling for wanting to bond other than, as i've stated, the fact that he's my dad and he does seem friendly enough if I ever come to his house. But it's things like when I was unemployed and needing a place to stay at Christmas he told me I could not use his guest room. I can't imagine why either, I am very neat and do not smoke. He's a neat freak and doesn't smoke so I might understand more if I was a smoker.

What really pisses me off though is my stepmom and to a lesser extent my dad by proxy, always put the entire thing back on me. As if I'm the one who is being immature or unreasonable. Like the entire Christmas party and them not inviting me. They think i'm being a big baby because I didn't get an invite basically. They think I should have been calling to ask about their party and they keep saying that I should have known that as a member of the family that naturally i'm invited. I'm like..huh? For one I don't really feel like a member of that family....because if I was family you'd think I'd be allow to use the guest room right? And secondly I would not dream of just showing up at anyone's party, even my own family's, uninvited. I wasn't looking for an engraved invitiation. A simple email or phone call would have sufficed.

The thing that also annoys me about all of it is i'm spending time thinking about this whole thing, typing to you guys about it, analyzing it and I get the feeling my dad and stepmom haven't thought 2 seconds about it this entire year. I think the reason I continue to try is the fact that I'm the type of person that does not like to leave things unresolved. I would, at this point, almost rather have my father disown me in an argument or something just so I could walk away and feel that I had done everything I could.

Oh and I don't really know if this is true or something that is based in truth but my 14 year old niece said that she was talking about me to my dad and stepmom and my dad said he simply didn't like me all that much. I find that kind of hard to believe that he would simply say that to her and if you know how kids are they tend to exaggerate, but if that is the case I wish he'd simply say that to my face so he and I both could get on with our lives.

What I don't get either is, if that is true and he simply wishes I WOULD quit trying to have anything to do with his life then why the hell do they, on occasion, contact me in some way to try to re-establish contact with me? Perhaps guilt? Perhaps looking for free computer support? LOL...I dunno, it beats me. I just don't understand it all and honestly as you guys have said, it's crazy to be nearly into my 40's wondering about the most basic of issues as this..

[Scottdau]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

Yankeepride and Jonesy, thanks especially for sharing considering our situations seem quite similar. I also thank everyone else in the thread for taking the time to drop in and give various words of encouragement.

The issue for me is my dad has never really acted very mean or abusive in any way to me. He's always given me advice and seems to have my long-term interests at heart (here's what to do to buy a house, here's what to do to get good credit, etc) but then he's always been very apathetic about any real lines of communication and honestly I get the feeling that his advice that he gives out is not really all that much different than advice he may give to his butcher when getting meat at the grocery store, or to his auto mechanic or etc.

I've asked my mom about it and he told her at one point he just didn't like kids very much and he'd get to know me more when I got older. The problem is that we have nothing in common.

I'm a computer geek. He's a construction worker. I'm into technology. He's into tools. I'm into sports. He's into religion. I'm an intellectual, white collar guy. He's a cold beer, blue collar guy.

We simply have nothing in common really to have ever bonded. And to be honest I don't really have much feeling for wanting to bond other than, as i've stated, the fact that he's my dad and he does seem friendly enough if I ever come to his house. But it's things like when I was unemployed and needing a place to stay at Christmas he told me I could not use his guest room. I can't imagine why either, I am very neat and do not smoke. He's a neat freak and doesn't smoke so I might understand more if I was a smoker.

What really pisses me off though is my stepmom and to a lesser extent my dad by proxy, always put the entire thing back on me. As if I'm the one who is being immature or unreasonable. Like the entire Christmas party and them not inviting me. They think i'm being a big baby because I didn't get an invite basically. They think I should have been calling to ask about their party and they keep saying that I should have known that as a member of the family that naturally i'm invited. I'm like..huh? For one I don't really feel like a member of that family....because if I was family you'd think I'd be allow to use the guest room right? And secondly I would not dream of just showing up at anyone's party, even my own family's, uninvited. I wasn't looking for an engraved invitiation. A simple email or phone call would have sufficed.

The thing that also annoys me about all of it is i'm spending time thinking about this whole thing, typing to you guys about it, analyzing it and I get the feeling my dad and stepmom haven't thought 2 seconds about it this entire year. I think the reason I continue to try is the fact that I'm the type of person that does not like to leave things unresolved. I would, at this point, almost rather have my father disown me in an argument or something just so I could walk away and feel that I had done everything I could.

Oh and I don't really know if this is true or something that is based in truth but my 14 year old niece said that she was talking about me to my dad and stepmom and my dad said he simply didn't like me all that much. I find that kind of hard to believe that he would simply say that to her and if you know how kids are they tend to exaggerate, but if that is the case I wish he'd simply say that to my face so he and I both could get on with our lives.

What I don't get either is, if that is true and he simply wishes I WOULD quit trying to have anything to do with his life then why the hell do they, on occasion, contact me in some way to try to re-establish contact with me? Perhaps guilt? Perhaps looking for free computer support? LOL...I dunno, it beats me. I just don't understand it all and honestly as you guys have said, it's crazy to be nearly into my 40's wondering about the most basic of issues as this..

This right here could be the problem. I know it is your dad, but when you are that different from your dad. It does cause some issue when you are older. Especially if he doesn't know how to handle those issues.

[ODogg]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

This right here could be the problem. I know it is your dad, but when you are that different from your dad. It does cause some issue when you are older. Especially if he doesn't know how to handle those issues.

yeah I agree. his only real hobby is religion and I intensely dislike religion and discussing it.