Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

[ODogg]

At what point should one simply give up on having a relationship with a parent? I ask because my father and I have never been that close and then last year I got invited to their Thanksgiving party and I was told the wrong town. That made me mad but I could see maybe it was an honest mistake. Then I was not invited to the family Christmas party at all. When I asked about it I was told that they (my father and stepmom) told someone else in my family to invite me and they failed.

I've never been all that close to my dad and after the holidays I just gave up on him. When i questioned the entire fiasco I was told that they were busy and that's just how things were. Recently my stepmom caught up with me and told me they needed some computer help (their way of talking to me I guess). I told her I was "busy" as they had told me.

I'm not even sure why I even try to have one to be honest, other than this guy is my father. I have no real feelings for him and don't really know him and I get the feeling he doesn't care much to know me either. But I guess there's just the whoole "he is your dad" thing that keeps me trying...but at what point does one just simply give up and move on?

Honestly I'm thinking of just cutting off all communication as it seems that me and my dad have never had anything in common and the entire relationship has always been forced. And I'm thinking of just completely giving up and changing my last name too. The only real reason I feel bad about giving up on the whole thing is society's entire view that it seems everyone should have a solid relationship with their father. Am I wrong to quit trying?

[ExtremeGamer]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

Dude, I don't even know what to say. I actually saw your name and the thread title and thought this was about your Mom you're having issues with.

[wsu_gb23]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

If your own Father doesn't try to make time for you then I don't think you need to go out of your way to make time for him. The whole situation is really too bad. My Dad passed away 3 years ago and we had a good relationship. It's too bad that you guys can't work things out. But, like I said, you can only do so much. I wouldn't totally cut off ties though. Maybe some day he will realize he should spend more time with you. I wish you the best.

[stlstudios189]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

I would maybe wait for a real invite not "we need computer help" They couldn't invite you personally to the christmas party is unaceptable. Try not to let bitterness take over though because when he does come around you need to have an openess and try and make it work out between you two.

[sb24]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

Dont cut off communication, but dont go out of your way at all. Make your point but dont torch the bridge. I understand where your coming from but not knowing your life, i would say give it a little more time. Maybe you have, i dont know. just my .02

[bsb13]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

My oldest brother and my father have a very strained relationship. No matter how hard my brother tries to reconcile things with my father, my father just doesn't seem to want to cooperate. Its seems like my brother can just do no right in my fathers eyes for some reason. Anyway, a relationship is a two way street, and if one person isn't doing their part then it might be best to keep your distance. But when/if your father ever has a change of heart...you should always be willing to have an open heart. You should always love your father, but sometimes it may be necessary to love him from a distance. And a little prayer never hurts.

.....but what do I know? I'm just some random dude on the internet lol.

[AndyBernard]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

Don't let yourself live and die by another persons actions, even if it's your fathers, or you're not going to have a life of your own..

forget society views, live your life, do things that make you happy, and if he is involved, good for him, if not, well it's not your fault, and you need to realize that..

best of luck man

[av7]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

Don't let yourself live and die by another persons actions, even if it's your fathers, or you're not going to have a life of your own..

forget society views, live your life, do things that make you happy, and if he is involved, good for him, if not, well it's not your fault, and you need to realize that..

best of luck man

Pretty much. I have a severely strained relationship with my dad, haven't talked to him in about 4 months and I haven't thought much about it- I'm happier this way and I dont get stressed out over his issues. I do catch myself thinking "is this right" but I remind myself about everything.

[Scottdau]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

I say this with all kindness, but you an adult. Do you really need to have a great relationship with your dad. I kinda I'm in the same situation with my Dad. We are always there for each other, but he has is life with my stepmom and I have my life with my family. And I like that way. If you are not close. I say you can do 2 things. One, don't give rip or 2 be man and go talk to him about it. I did both with my dad and we both came to the same decision. We will be there for each other, but we will also, have our separate lives too.

[TIm]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

I think you should just keep your distance. Don't burn the bridge or anything. I just wouldn't plan on any holidays with them unless it's a honest invite. Just continue to send a email asking how they are and send cards for the holidays. I am very fortunate to have 2 great parents but if I didn't I wouldn't burn bridges. All I know is if I didn't have a relationship with my parents and they Died, I don't want to have to feel bad because I cut ties. I want to feel like I tried everything I could...

[Bolts_26]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

All I can really say is give it time. Time will determine whether or not your relationship could be repaired. Don't go changing your last name or blocking off communication, that's not the answer. I wish you the best.

[Cane_Mutiny]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

Don't change your last name - that just seems like an immature screw-you gesture. Plus, I'm pretty sure that would be a tough adjustment at this point in your life anyway.

As far as the relationship goes, don't go out of your way to cut ties with your dad - just keep occasionally trying to communicate without forcing the issue. If it works itself out, great, and if not, at least you know you tried.

Good luck, man.

[55]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

I have virtually no relationship with my mother so I can understand what you are saying. I talk to her maybe 2-3 times a year for a few minutes here and there and I haven't physically seen her in almost 5 years. Hell, I don't even know her address to tell you the truth. All I know is that she bought a large plot of land and moved from Florida to Arkansas about 2 years ago. We just don't have anything in common and when you become an adult, it doesn't matter if someone is your parent or not. Life is too short to stoop down to anybody's level if they judge you or don't appreciate you for who you are.

My father, on the other hand, is an awesome guy and we speak on the phone at least once a month until one of our cell phone batteries dies. He also lives over 1,000 miles away from me (still back home in Florida) but I visit every chance I get. It's so strange being so much just like one parent and being absolutely nothing like the other one. It's no wonder they divorced over 25 years ago. He was just too cool for her and she was just too much of a sociopath for him. Sad but true.

[ODogg]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

Dude, I don't even know what to say. I actually saw your name and the thread title and thought this was about your Mom you're having issues with.

well our relationship, other than money stuff and my not liking her smoking, is actually good.

[ODogg]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

If your own Father doesn't try to make time for you then I don't think you need to go out of your way to make time for him. The whole situation is really too bad. My Dad passed away 3 years ago and we had a good relationship. It's too bad that you guys can't work things out. But, like I said, you can only do so much. I wouldn't totally cut off ties though. Maybe some day he will realize he should spend more time with you. I wish you the best.

Yes, the main thing is he's getting old and I thought before he died I should make attempts to get to know him better.

I would maybe wait for a real invite not "we need computer help" They couldn't invite you personally to the christmas party is unaceptable. Try not to let bitterness take over though because when he does come around you need to have an openess and try and make it work out between you two.

Yes, it's nonsense IMO that they were too "busy" to pick up the phone and invite me to their party. It's really more on my stepmom though as she is the one who has the party. In fact a lot of this is on my stepmom more IMO because she wants to cut out his kids from his life but I blame him for allowing it.

Don't let yourself live and die by another persons actions, even if it's your fathers, or you're not going to have a life of your own..

forget society views, live your life, do things that make you happy, and if he is involved, good for him, if not, well it's not your fault, and you need to realize that..

best of luck man

I agree, I keep thinking "why am I continuing to try??" and I realize it's because society seems to act as if you should try more than I really want to try.

Pretty much. I have a severely strained relationship with my dad, haven't talked to him in about 4 months and I haven't thought much about it- I'm happier this way and I dont get stressed out over his issues. I do catch myself thinking "is this right" but I remind myself about everything.

That's the biggest reason I think I want to give up on this entire thing, is because I'm tired of getting kicked in the teeth. I really was pretty excited about this year's party, I had a great gift for my dad and stepmom, a beautiful painting of a barn with snow blowing all around it, and then as we got closer to christmas I asked my niece "when is the christmas party??" and she replied "oh that was last week". Honestly i was pretty devastated. The painting is still in my garage all wrapped up in my garage right now.