Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

[J0nnD0ugh]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

OD, how many people have you made a conscious effort to "give up" on? I'd wager very, very few, if any. So why do so w/your dad? Not saying he's worth loving cause I don't know the situation that well. But I just don't see why it's worth closing the door on.

[JBH3]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

At what point should one simply give up on having a relationship with a parent? I ask because my father and I have never been that close and then last year I got invited to their Thanksgiving party and I was told the wrong town. That made me mad but I could see maybe it was an honest mistake. Then I was not invited to the family Christmas party at all. When I asked about it I was told that they (my father and stepmom) told someone else in my family to invite me and they failed.

I've never been all that close to my dad and after the holidays I just gave up on him. When i questioned the entire fiasco I was told that they were busy and that's just how things were. Recently my stepmom caught up with me and told me they needed some computer help (their way of talking to me I guess). I told her I was "busy" as they had told me.

I'm not even sure why I even try to have one to be honest, other than this guy is my father. I have no real feelings for him and don't really know him and I get the feeling he doesn't care much to know me either. But I guess there's just the whoole "he is your dad" thing that keeps me trying...but at what point does one just simply give up and move on?

Honestly I'm thinking of just cutting off all communication as it seems that me and my dad have never had anything in common and the entire relationship has always been forced. And I'm thinking of just completely giving up and changing my last name too. The only real reason I feel bad about giving up on the whole thing is society's entire view that it seems everyone should have a solid relationship with their father. Am I wrong to quit trying?

How many heart-to-heart conversations have you had w/ you're father in regards to your feelings of rejection by him. I assume that's how you feel...Does your father know you feel this way? In his world maybe he thinks things are fine.

Rather than just abruptly cut off communication, communicate to him why you're pursuing that, and maybe it gives him a wake-up call. If it doesn't then, as hard as it is, I think you'll know for sure that he doesn't want a relationship w/ you. Which is greatly unfortunate.

[USF11]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

Odogg man u need to talk with someone and get some issues out. It will do good.

[ODogg]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

Odogg man u need to talk with someone and get some issues out. It will do good.

I agree, hence why I posted this thread.

[JBH3]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

Odogg man u need to talk with someone and get some issues out. It will do good.

Wait a second...weren't you against him seeking counseling in a similar thread by ODogg...?

[slickdtc]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

I think you should just have a face to face talk.

It bothers you. If you truly want to either end it completely or have some type of relationship, get it all out on the table. Don't stop talking, or trying to talk, until you know concrete how both of you feel.

Of course, talking to someone face to face about whether you want a relationship (father-son) would probably be uncomfortable. To initiate this conversation, I say just call them and see if you can just talk to your father. If he doesn't answer and you've called and left messages, then I'd just assume he doesn't want anything to do with you and he can pursue a conversation when he's ready to. You would have done everything you could have and, like it's been said in this thread earlier, a relationship is a two-way street. If he doesn't want one, then I guess it's time to forget about it.

[Jonesy]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

If you do decide to talk to him about it don't be surprised if your father (like most men of his generation) is probably totally oblivious to your concerns and has no clue that you even feel this way.

Most guys in that age bracket have been bread to think any showing of emotion is a sign of weakness and they usually have the emotional sensitivity of a piece of wood.

[totalownership]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

At what point should one simply give up on having a relationship with a parent? Am I wrong to quit trying?

I've read this entire thread in depth and I can tell you basically , and to all who have posted I say this in a respectful way, forget everything you've read. The only thing you can do is talk to him about how you really feel and go from there. It'll be awkward as hell and his emotion can range from being wide open to talking to completely closed off and trying to deflect the conversation. At that point you have to decide what you want to do next. Remember the man is a person too. He's not a mythical figure with power unbound, he's a regular human being that is a culmination of his experiences and knowledge. Nothing more , nothing less. Other people's experiences are just that, other people's experiences. You have to forge your own. I can't tell you what to do or say but all I do know is if one of you don't attempt to talk with the other then nothing will happen and things will stay status quo at best.

[USF11]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

Wait a second...weren't you against him seeking counseling in a similar thread by ODogg...?

Yes for the purposes of that thread........but dealing with issues involving parents is different. Its helps to actually talk to someone and get the demons out.

Life is too short to cut parents out of your life, you have to accept them for who they are.

[DXZeke]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

I realize that by changing my name that it would completely end the possibility but honestly I've been considering it for a long time. Not as a "screw you" gesture, although I'm sure it could be seen that way, but more because of the fact that I was raised by my mom's side of the family and don't really consider myself a part of my dad's side of the family. I've always felt like my name didn't say who I was at all.

My mother's side of the family are Murphy's so I've been considering changing it to Murphy. It's a good Irish name and I feel it represents who I am much better than Hough, which is my dad's side of the family and is a German name.

The only reason I have not done the name change yet is, as you guys say, it will pretty much seal the deal. At this point though I'm beginning to think, I'm 39 years old, if it hasn't happened by now then it won't ever happen and I might as well forge my own identity.

I'm not sure I could deal with a parent treating me poorly after we moved away from each other. Try putting some space between things and see how it goes. Breaking all ties may leave the window open to regrets years from now.

As for changing your last name.
Do you have a lot of credit cards or good credit? Do you have a house, apartment, car, etc? Changing your last name can create some smaller problems when you try and have background checks or credit checks. If you're pretty fresh with starting credit, then it's ok. If it's established, I wouldn't.

I know your name is your identity, but you can always make that identity a positive thing. :wink:

Be Well Dude

[CMH]

Re: Giving up on a relationship with a parent?

You have to accept them for who they are.

Why?

If your parents raise you to know when it's time to move on from a relationship because a person is not willing to budge or make the effort to change, why should they be viewed differently?

Aren't they people too?

I get that parents brought us into this world, but really the relationship ends there. Every parent raises their kid differently which shows that raising a child isn't like breeding one. Two totally different ordeals.

Parents that act like they hold some sort of power or expected respect just because they are your parents are the ones that lose their children quickly. When kids grow up, they see that all people have either one of two qualities: they are people you want to be with or people you don't. Parents are not exempt just because they are parents.