Whats your policy on communicating with THE ex?

[clipperfan811]

So I have this one ex girlfriend who was basically my first serious adult relationship (4 years, lived together for 2). It was perfection about 90% of the time.There were a few issues but I pretty much ended it because I was always wondering what else was out there.

So now we've been broken up for just about 4 years, live on opposite sides of the country but still every few months one of us will make contact. It's really quite maddening cause no matter how over her I think I am. Every time we communicate a boatload of emotions rush through my body (both good and bad ones).

So I guess what I thought would be interesting to talk about was how all you guys deal with that one ex that always matters a bit more then she should to you. Is it no contact and really move on. Have you gotten together again after years and have it all work out. Or have it not work out again after years apart.

This should be very interesting.

[stewaat]

Re: Whats your policy on communicating with THE ex?

I like to just move and and try to forget about it. Take the lessons learned with you and remember the good times.

[Stumbleweed]

Re: Whats your policy on communicating with THE ex?

Agh, I'm kinda going through the same thing minus the long distance aspect... the problem is that I sort of caved (both for my own reasons and because I felt bad for hurting her so badly) and we're now seeing eachother again. She means too much to me and we spent too much time together to just cut off communication.. and I really missed her for the 3 or so months that we didn't talk at all. But I'm worried that I didn't do the right thing getting back together with her because I guess I'm still not 100% sure I even want to be in a relationship right now and I'm not sure I did it for the right reasons regardless.

I was basically feeling mad lonely coming home to an empty house every night and not sure where else to turn... and she contacted me again more or less out of the blue asking to meet up. We ended up talking a bunch of stuff out, crying, hugging, the whole 9 yards... then came the makeup sex (d'oh). And now I'm basically right back where I was 4 months ago except that she doesn't trust me really since I hurt her so badly when I broke up with her. She's a great girl and I love her, but I can't shake that feeling that I screwed up somehow in getting back together with her, especially relatively soon. Part of it is because I guess I don't trust myself not to be an ******* again and I don't want to hurt her.. but also in the selfish sense, I'm worried that she's just not the one and I'm wasting both of our time. She loves me for who I am (the greatest gift a person can give another IMO), we have a lot in common, but I just can't shake those feelings. She's the only real relationship I've ever had and I just don't know if I would be able to go through the rest of my life without wondering what could have been, etc., especially if I'm not in that "head-over-heels crazy in love" stage that I was in at one point... makes those questions and doubts ring louder.

The main reason we broke up (together for almost 4 years) was because I was feeling trapped and she was feeling unloved (I would kinda test her I guess, which is an ******* thing to do)... We've been back together for about 2 weeks now and I'm still wondering what I'm missing elsewhere or if she's the right one for me... but now I really feel trapped because I told her I'd do my best not to hurt her again. I don't want to be the ******* who ruined her life for 4 months again, I want to see if it will work out (because I do love her and it's hard to let her go... and we spilled the beans on a lot of things post-breakup that might change the dynamic of the relationship for the better)... but I have that sinking feeling still. Don't know what the hell to do.

*cue "Love Stinks"*

[ezekiel55]

Re: Whats your policy on communicating with THE ex?

Makle-up sex will get you every time.

Stumble, I dont see things ending well with your situation. I've been there before, and the make-up sex is GREAT!!!....but, those same foibles that led to break up will rear their ugly head again. If you're not 100% into it now, its best to end it sooner rather than later.

In regard to the OP's question...it all depends. Certain people can end relationships amicably and remain friends with their ex. In my case, I usually just cut off ties with the person. In the past I would continue talking to them, and usually that would end up similar to Stumble's situation.

The way I figure, at least for myself, is that I worked at the relationship and it didnt end up workin out, so I'm pretty much done with the girl. It might sound conceited or selfish, but thats the way I look at it.

[USF11]

Re: Whats your policy on communicating with THE ex?

Ahhh the Relapse.........

There is no good way to handle it.

[Pappy Knuckles]

Re: Whats your policy on communicating with THE ex?

I'm in the go cold turkey group. When me and my ex broke up she still wanted to come over all the time and hang out like everything was all good. That lasted about two weeks or so, but I wasn't feeling it. Eventually I just stopped communicating with her altogether. She's called me maybe 3 or 4 times since then a few months apart, but I haven't talked to her.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being friends if you can handle that. However, the more serious you were the harder it will be to do because of the emotions involved. We went through a lot of ****. I think it's better for us to close that chapter in our lives and move on. Plus I'm in an entirely different place mentally right now and she'd be a drain on my energy that I could do without.

[The GIGGAS]

Re: Whats your policy on communicating with THE ex?

I don't communicate with THE ex. No point to rehash all those memories. Just gotta give it up and continue your life, IMO.

[clipperfan811]

Re: Whats your policy on communicating with THE ex?

*cue "Love Stinks"*

I sort of went through that with the ex in question, about 2 years in I was feeling a bit trapped; I was dangerously close to turning 21 so the bars and clubs where calling my name. Whenever I felt just a bit unappreciated I'd flip the a********* switch and after a what I felt was really stupid fight for her to be starting I moved all my stuff out of our apartment. I was done and I was about to go find out what else was out there.... yeah well that breakup lasted about a week. She came over to talk and she got me the same way she got you. After that it was pretty good for a long while.

What's funny is that when she was getting close to turning 21 she sort of went through a similar "I wonder whats out there phase". (Karma's not forgiving I tell ya) Well Being all prideful like I can be I was just like "whatever go find whats out there, I'm out" I went from California to Miami for a while to clear my head while "we took a break". I went out did the whole club scene thing, decided I was going to stick to my guns (for principle sake alone) so flew back after about a month packed my stuff in my truck and drove to Miami.

While I was back we saw each other, hooked up, made that stupid pact all youngin's make and I went off to party to my hearts content. It was fun for awhile but eventually began feeling so damn shallow it was sickening. I Got into some stuff I shouldn't have, thought twice about, it secluded myself and started writing songs about the whole thing haha.

I grew from it but it's always been in the back of my mind I guess. I honestly can't tell if I'd do it all the same if I could so luckily time travel hasn't been invented (yet, whole other topic lol).

[loccdogg26]

Re: Whats your policy on communicating with THE ex?

Me being an older dude I'm pretty much on speaking terms with my exs. Maybe because the breakups were not dirty or anything like that. I held no ill will to any of them and I just kept it moving. If they chose to spoke its cool but if they didn't oh well life goes on. However to each one of they guys if there are children involved things could get messy and ugly.

[Schism 6]

Re: Whats your policy on communicating with THE ex?

Agh, I'm kinda going through the same thing minus the long distance aspect... the problem is that I sort of caved (both for my own reasons and because I felt bad for hurting her so badly) and we're now seeing eachother again. She means too much to me and we spent too much time together to just cut off communication.. and I really missed her for the 3 or so months that we didn't talk at all. But I'm worried that I didn't do the right thing getting back together with her because I guess I'm still not 100% sure I even want to be in a relationship right now and I'm not sure I did it for the right reasons regardless.

I was basically feeling mad lonely coming home to an empty house every night and not sure where else to turn... and she contacted me again more or less out of the blue asking to meet up. We ended up talking a bunch of stuff out, crying, hugging, the whole 9 yards... then came the makeup sex (d'oh). And now I'm basically right back where I was 4 months ago except that she doesn't trust me really since I hurt her so badly when I broke up with her. She's a great girl and I love her, but I can't shake that feeling that I screwed up somehow in getting back together with her, especially relatively soon. Part of it is because I guess I don't trust myself not to be an ******* again and I don't want to hurt her.. but also in the selfish sense, I'm worried that she's just not the one and I'm wasting both of our time. She loves me for who I am (the greatest gift a person can give another IMO), we have a lot in common, but I just can't shake those feelings. She's the only real relationship I've ever had and I just don't know if I would be able to go through the rest of my life without wondering what could have been, etc., especially if I'm not in that "head-over-heels crazy in love" stage that I was in at one point... makes those questions and doubts ring louder.

The main reason we broke up (together for almost 4 years) was because I was feeling trapped and she was feeling unloved (I would kinda test her I guess, which is an ******* thing to do)... We've been back together for about 2 weeks now and I'm still wondering what I'm missing elsewhere or if she's the right one for me... but now I really feel trapped because I told her I'd do my best not to hurt her again. I don't want to be the ******* who ruined her life for 4 months again, I want to see if it will work out (because I do love her and it's hard to let her go... and we spilled the beans on a lot of things post-breakup that might change the dynamic of the relationship for the better)... but I have that sinking feeling still. Don't know what the hell to do.

*cue "Love Stinks"*

Not to be mean but it sounds like you are extremely immature and are afraid of being alone my friend. You'll most likely end up hurting her even worse now.

[Stumbleweed]

Re: Whats your policy on communicating with THE ex?

Well the thing is that I do think it could work, but those nagging doubts won't go away. I wasn't as honest with her as I should've been and I'm sort of holding out hope that clearing the air on all that stuff would change the relationship for the better. The thing is that it's only been 2 weeks so I can't really say if that's a success or not. I want to give it more time, because like I said, I do love her and don't want to hurt her again... And it's a good relationship... I mean we never really "got into it" or had any major disagreements... it's not like we're both miserable, I just can't shake the doubts in my head and don't want to hurt her again. She absolutely loves me but also was hurt so she doesn't trust me totally right now (perfectly understandable)... just trying to feel it out and see if it changes for the better. But yeah, if not, I definitely gotta end it sooner than later because it's not fair to her (or to me) to drag it out for the sake of it.

But yeah, I'm leaving open the possibility that I'm just immature... after all, it's the only real relationship I've had in my life... not exactly used to dealing with this kind of stuff. Hence the makeup sex... d'oh.

[Husker_OS]

Re: Whats your policy on communicating with THE ex?

Delete them from your phone and your Facebook.



That way, you can't contact them. But if they want some post-break up nookie, boom.

[Pappy Knuckles]

Re: Whats your policy on communicating with THE ex?

Lol @ delete them from your facebook.

[Brandwin]

Re: Whats your policy on communicating with THE ex?

They're the ex for a reason.

[mgoblue]

Re: Whats your policy on communicating with THE ex?

They're the ex for a reason.

Yeah...unless you have kids or something I've found it's better to cut her off. Either you still have feelings, or she does, and either way it doesn't end up happily. I've been lead on by an ex thinking she wanted to get back together but she eventually decided not to. Such a up and down 2 month period I'd rather not go through again.