Should there be privacy within a marriage?

[DC]

Re: Should there be privacy within a marriage?

^ I already said I wasn't referring to situations like that WTF. I was referring to situations in which someone ASKS or DEMANDS that you give them your passwords for the sake of them looking. No YOU giving it to them to check on it.

[DC]

Re: Should there be privacy within a marriage?

Alrighty then. I've had friends for 20 plus years that don't remotely know my passwords, but whatever floats your boat.

So you have never been in a situation (pre-smart phone era) where you needed something checked that forced you to call someone and ask them to, "Log onto my ___ account?"

[Streets]

Re: Should there be privacy within a marriage?

Interesting topic, Pared. I'm loving the "chicken and egg" debate about trust versus privacy, and can see both arguments. For me, I tend to lean more towards the "privacy stems from trust" argument.

I'm not married, so this post may amuse some, or I may have lost my credibility, but whatever... take it with a grain of salt then,

I've been dating my current GF for 2.5 years and we live together. I have no FB, Myspace, etc. as I try to stay off the grid as much as possible. But all of my passwords are private, my bank information, Social Security #, e-mail, all that is private and would like it to stay that way through marriage. I'm auto-logged in to my e-mail on my home CPU (because I have nothing to hide), so she can (and sometimes I'll ask her to) check my e-mail if I'm waiting on a response from someone. The thing is though, she trusts me and I trust her, so there's no reason for her to be going through my email, or for me to go through her myspace/ facebook. So, I don't need or want her passwords. Those e-mails were addressed to HER, not US. Hell, even our personal laptops are password protected.

"But... but... she's my best friend". My best friends, roommate, and family members don't have access to this information either, so that's not enough for me.

To weigh in on some of the other stuff, my girl knows the types of movies I watch when she's not around and she's fine with it. We also will tell each other when we find someone on TV attractive.

I truly believe that every relationship is different, and some need more access in order for trust to be established. However, some relationships can thrive with privacy and be fine as well. I don't believe that "there HAS to be privacy (or a complete lack of) for relationships to work". I think everyone is different.

As far as physical privacy I definitely need it, and my girl knows it. Due to her work schedule, I get a lot of me time anyway, so it's cool, but I definitely need time to unwind/ play games/ chill. Also, my time at the gym playing ball is important too and she gets that.

She was in Florida for the last week, and I'd call her if something interesting happened or whatever, but other than that I wasn't calling every two minutes. She was visiting family, having fun, and I knew I'd talk to her before bed and hear all about her day. No need to cramp her space and continue calling all the time. I gave her her privacy because I trusted her and didn't need to check in.

All these are different examples of privacy but I think it's all important. I'm not hiding anything. If she thought I was and wanted to check my e-mail or something, I'd log in in front of her, and tell her "go nuts", but I wouldn't give up my password. However, she would never do that. The crazy thing is, I usually tell my girl everything (maybe more than she cares to know), but it's not because I "have to" or will "get in trouble" if I don't. So I don't "hide" stuff, which is different from privacy.

Sorry this is so long, I'll leave you all with this classic...

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[WTF]

Re: Should there be privacy within a marriage?

I'm not married, so this post may amuse some, or I may have lost my credibility, but whatever... take it with a grain of salt then,

..., my bank information, Social Security #, e-mail, all that is private and would like it to stay that way through marriage.

I know you aren't married yet Streets, but to make a long story short, there are gonna be a LOT of times that you need to know one another's SS number when you're married. Even if you don't want to learn your wife's.. you will, just because you'll have to get it so often, when you're filling out paperwork, etc. Just from our recent childbirth, I literally learned the wife's SS filling out the redundant paperwork over and over.

[Buckeyes_Doc]

Re: Should there be privacy within a marriage?

I know my wife's SSN better then she does. I deal with all our financial and her college paperwork and what not.

As far as privacy she knows all my passwords to my facebook, email, OS lol, etc and I know hers. She knows my password because I use the same one for everything and she use to check my email and online banking when I was in boot camp and I know hers because many times she would be at work and ask me to check her email. We have nothing to hide.

Now as far as private time goes we both have that. If I have a long day at work she will understand I just want to come home and chill and watch or play a game and she will go do her thing. And same thing for her. We all need our "me" time.

We have spent most of our relationship separated by a long distance, me being in the military and all. So without trust we never would of lasted. I do not feel the need to call her every 2 mins and check up on her and neither does she.

I will txt her in the morning and say something nice. And then we will txt each other a few times thoughtout the day depending on our schedules. Then before I go to bed we will call each other and talk on the phone.

[Hova57]

Re: Should there be privacy within a marriage?

i know in my marriage we pretty much share everything, she has her own code for facebook which i always forget not that i need to check or anything. i know for me what always bring up the privacy rant is when there are family and friends involved in a situation where there trust got questioned. This then becomes an open discussion of where we stand on it as a couple, but I've never experienced anything that would warrant a complete shutdown of any of my codes or anything like that.

I've seen a situation where a couple were private about finances and the husband had his own bills and responsibilities and so did the wife. Well in the end their house was almost ended up be on sheriff sale because they owed 7000 dollars in back taxes and credit cards were tapped dry. so it has its pros and cons like all things.

The important thing in the marriage is that regardless how the two you decide to handle affairs that the communication has to be open in order for something like that to work.

[Pared]

Re: Should there be privacy within a marriage?

I truly believe that every relationship is different, and some need more access in order for trust to be established. However, some relationships can thrive with privacy and be fine as well. I don't believe that "there HAS to be privacy (or a complete lack of) for relationships to work". I think everyone is different.

As far as physical privacy I definitely need it, and my girl knows it. Due to her work schedule, I get a lot of me time anyway, so it's cool, but I definitely need time to unwind/ play games/ chill. Also, my time at the gym playing ball is important too and she gets that.

She was in Florida for the last week, and I'd call her if something interesting happened or whatever, but other than that I wasn't calling every two minutes. She was visiting family, having fun, and I knew I'd talk to her before bed and hear all about her day. No need to cramp her space and continue calling all the time. I gave her her privacy because I trusted her and didn't need to check in.

All these are different examples of privacy but I think it's all important. I'm not hiding anything. If she thought I was and wanted to check my e-mail or something, I'd log in in front of her, and tell her "go nuts", but I wouldn't give up my password. However, she would never do that. The crazy thing is, I usually tell my girl everything (maybe more than she cares to know), but it's not because I "have to" or will "get in trouble" if I don't. So I don't "hide" stuff, which is different from privacy.

Sorry this is so long, I'll leave you all with this classic...

<object height="385" width="480">


<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/YY03ymgskNI&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="385" width="480"></object>

Great post. I don't agree with the first part which is why I left it out, but this portion is important.

People need to understand there is no right or wrong here....

[DC]

Re: Should there be privacy within a marriage?

Pared what are you general thoughts on the topic? What do you think of a female asking you for your personal passwords?

What if she hit you with the, "What do you have to hide" card as a way to con you into giving it to her.

[Pared]

Re: Should there be privacy within a marriage?

Both sides have a point. There should be privacy within a marriage, but there should also be trust. They don't have to be mutually exclusive but typically are discussed as if they are.

One begets the other. To have privacy, there needs to be trust. And typically when there is a lapse in trust, privacy goes out the window. Unless "you have something to hide."

If my gf/fiancee/wife wanted my passwords, I give them to her. However, a really big conversation on trust issues is going to come from it. I have nothing to hide, but it bothers me more that there is dis-trust in our relationship for whatever reason. Why does she need them? You can have my passwords but this really hurts us by even asking.

Communication is what allows privacy in a marriage. I have nothing to hide and I expect her to be the same way. But I also have things I'd like to keep private that have nothing to do with her questioning me being faithful. If my friend is sleeping with a married woman, that's my friend and up to me to decide to share with her if I should let her know about what he is going through. I'm already disappointed in my friend, I don't want her looking at him differently (or me) because I chose him as my friend.

It's not simply cut and dry as, "My wife knows all my passwords and we have nothing to hide." That, IMO, is a false sense of security that doesn't help any relationship. People may think it does, but that still doesn't change what is going on with the person.

Think of a hidden camera... people won't do something if they know they are being watched, right? Similar scenario if your wife has your passwords. That doesn't solve anything. It's a facade.

There can be privacy in a marriage as long as there is trust. It, IMO, is the foundation of any strong relationship.

[ScoobySnax]

Re: Should there be privacy within a marriage?

Both sides have a point. There should be privacy within a marriage, but there should also be trust. They don't have to be mutually exclusive but typically are discussed as if they are.

One begets the other. To have privacy, there needs to be trust. And typically when there is a lapse in trust, privacy goes out the window. Unless "you have something to hide."

If my gf/fiancee/wife wanted my passwords, I give them to her. However, a really big conversation on trust issues is going to come from it. I have nothing to hide, but it bothers me more that there is dis-trust in our relationship for whatever reason. Why does she need them? You can have my passwords but this really hurts us by even asking.

Communication is what allows privacy in a marriage. I have nothing to hide and I expect her to be the same way. But I also have things I'd like to keep private that have nothing to do with her questioning me being faithful. If my friend is sleeping with a married woman, that's my friend and up to me to decide to share with her if I should let her know about what he is going through. I'm already disappointed in my friend, I don't want her looking at him differently (or me) because I chose him as my friend.

It's not simply cut and dry as, "My wife knows all my passwords and we have nothing to hide." That, IMO, is a false sense of security that doesn't help any relationship. People may think it does, but that still doesn't change what is going on with the person.

Think of a hidden camera... people won't do something if they know they are being watched, right? Similar scenario if your wife has your passwords. That doesn't solve anything. It's a facade.

There can be privacy in a marriage as long as there is trust. It, IMO, is the foundation of any strong relationship.

Great post, but this stuck out to me the most.

[Jonesy]

Re: Should there be privacy within a marriage?

DC I think what are are talking about (a woman wanting your facebook log in so she can check up on you) is overstepping the line. My wife wouldn't ask me for something like that and i wouldn't ask her for it, like Pared said if a partner wants to play up it'll happen, spying on them just ruins your own life and you are always living in fear. Giving log in details out of necessity and giving them to appease someone else's insecurities is too different things imo.

Now this is not to say i'm still not guilty of jealousy at times. If a guy is hitting on my wife at a club even though she is wearing a wedding ring and tells the guy so and ask's him to leave her alone I still kinda see red (i wouldn't start a fight over it or anything though). I trust my wife but doesn't mean i want guys hitting on her all the time either.

[Pared]

Re: Should there be privacy within a marriage?

Sorry about that Jonesy... I didn't see her ring.

[DC]

Re: Should there be privacy within a marriage?

Even if I was ever asked, I wouldn't give them access. MY facebook. Not our Facebook

[Pared]

Re: Should there be privacy within a marriage?

http://www.operationsports.com/forum...post2040953783

lol yeah, no kidding. We all know why, too.

[Jonesy]

Re: Should there be privacy within a marriage?

Sorry about that Jonesy... I didn't see her ring.

I'll let this one slide because you are a mod but next time it'll be