Judging Your Parents?

[JBH3]

I am going through some crap right now with my parents. I am the eldest of 3, and am 30 yrs old; brother 28, sister 24.

I have my own child now who is 4. They say you either learn "how to" or "how not to" parent from your parents. I can say I learned mainly "how not to".

My mom has often asked how was she as a parent, and I always considered her feelings and either lied or was very succinct in the interest of not making her feel bad. However, recent events led me to finally open up, and things haven't gotten much better.

My parents put their defenses up, and I can't really see things ever returning to what "APPEARED" to be normal in the past.

So, in accordance with the thread title, what do you think about judging your parents?

I have done some reading on-line, and a few Christain outlets suggest I should not carry bitterness in my heart, and forgive them.

I do forgive them, and I only use my experiences from childhood and adolescents as a driver to be a better parent emotionally and spiritually than my parents.

I do not want to judge my parents in order to be malicious. I only seek for them to understand my feelings and understand their faults instead of always defending them and turning things around on me.

Any advice from my OS brethren? Lord knows I have always given my advice here, either warranted or unwarranted.

Please speak freely.

[C the Lyte]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

I am going through some crap right now with my parents. I am the eldest of 3, and am 30 yrs old; brother 28, sister 24.

I have my own child now who is 4. They say you either learn "how to" or "how not to" parent from your parents. I can say I learned mainly "how not to".

My mom has often asked how was she as a parent, and I always considered her feelings and either lied or was very succinct in the interest of not making her feel bad. However, recent events led me to finally open up, and things haven't gotten much better.

My parents put their defenses up, and I can't really see things ever returning to what "APPEARED" to be normal in the past.

So, in accordance with the thread title, what do you think about judging your parents?

I have done some reading on-line, and a few Christain outlets suggest I should not carry bitterness in my heart, and forgive them.

I do forgive them, and I only use my experiences from childhood and adolescents as a driver to be a better parent emotionally and spiritually than my parents.

I do not want to judge my parents in order to be malicious. I only seek for them to understand my feelings and understand their faults instead of always defending them and turning things around on me.

Any advice from my OS brethren? Lord knows I have always given my advice here, either warranted or unwarranted.

Please speak freely.

TBH, that's not a whole lot of info to base something on. I mean, how can a stranger of sorts judge based on really nothing. Apparently, you are judging them as poor, but they may not be compared to others. Just need more of a back story IMO. I also don't want to get too personal either.

[JBH3]

I am not asking you to judge my parents. Moreover I am asking what do you think about judging your parents?

As I said, some outlets I read from suggested judging them only causes bitterness, and IF they are better people now, IF, then you should be thankful rather than dwell on the wrongs/negatives.

But regardless if they are better or not, shouldn't they still be aware of how they hurt, especially if you suppressed those feelings for a long time and have never addressed them?

[Gotmadskillzson]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

Might be harsh, but you are a grown man now. Man up ! It comes a time in life when you have to stop blaming your parents for your situation of what you know how to do and don't know how to do. Just let it go, move on and just be thankful they are still alive.

Bitterness will just mess up YOUR life, not theirs. Stop dwelling on the past and live in the present.

In time, your parents might come back around or they might not. How ever your a grown man now with a child of your own. Let it go and focus on your own family. Enjoy life man. That bitterness will end up messing up your relationship with your child and wife.

Bitterness is a cancer that will spread to everything in your life if you hold on to it.

[CMH]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

This is a tough thread to answer.

I think it's a good idea to take what you didn't like as a child and make sure you don't ever let your own child feel the same way.

Personally, while I understand parents are your creators, I disagree with people that feel I should treat them as mightier than thou simply because they are my parents. My belief is you get what you deserve no matter who you are. If a parent is ruthless, I shouldn't expect to love them just because they are my parents.

So, judging them don't bother me much. I can't learn to be a better human being or apply their good traits without using judgment.

If, however, you want to dwell on judgment then I don't think it's healthy. Forget what someone or your creed might tell you, think instead of your own health. Judge to improve yourself, but don't judge to hurt yourself.

[JBH3]

Might be harsh, but you are a grown man now. Man up ! It comes a time in life when you have to stop blaming your parents for your situation of what you know how to do and don't know how to do. Just let it go, move on and just be thankful they are still alive.

Bitterness will just mess up YOUR life, not theirs. Stop dwelling on the past and live in the present.

In time, your parents might come back around or they might not. How ever your a grown man now with a child of your own. Let it go and focus on your own family. Enjoy life man. That bitterness will end up messing up your relationship with your child and wife.

Bitterness is a cancer that will spread to everything in your life if you hold on to it.

I am not blaming them. My life is not ruined nor is it unhappy. Quite the contrary it was the home I grew up in which eventually pushed/propelled me into the Marine Corps. I am proud of my station in life. Joined the Marine corps did my time, am now a fed civil servant. Have a wife, kid, house, dog, the whole 9. I am not bitter.

I have been distancing myself from my mom and dad for sometime. They don't know why until now. My mom is critical of everything and my dad is very selfish among other things. It gets exhausting being around that.

I just want them to understand where I am coming from with this, but there is little to no acceptance from them, more so just defense.


I don't need anything from them. I have no financial needs of them what so ever. Emotional support has/was always lacking. I was expected to "man up" with little no guidance while my brother and sister were tended to because they were younger.

This is a tough thread to answer.

I think it's a good idea to take what you didn't like as a child and make sure you don't ever let your own child feel the same way.

Personally, while I understand parents are your creators, I disagree with people that feel I should treat them as mightier than thou simply because they are my parents. My belief is you get what you deserve no matter who you are. If a parent is ruthless, I shouldn't expect to love them just because they are my parents.

So, judging them don't bother me much. I can't learn to be a better human being or apply their good traits without using judgment.

If, however, you want to dwell on judgment then I don't think it's healthy. Forget what someone or your creed might tell you, think instead of your own health. Judge to improve yourself, but don't judge to hurt yourself.

I appreciate your response and like what you had to say. Its not that I want to dwell on it. I want to address it for once and for all, let them decide what it is worth to them, and move on, hopefully in a way which brings us closer and more responsive to each others feelings.

[Gotmadskillzson]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

Like I said, in time they might or might not come back around. They know now, so they will either accept it or they won't. Over all it is going to take a lot of time.

[Colts18]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

Them being your parents doesn't allow them to do whatever they want to do without any consequences. That is all I will say. I don't care if they brought you into this world, at some point everyone has to pay for their mishaps.

[CMH]

.

I appreciate your response and like what you had to say. Its not that I want to dwell on it. I want to address it for once and for all, let them decide what it is worth to them, and move on, hopefully in a way which brings us closer and more responsive to each others feelings.

Ah, I understand.

No parent wants to hear they didn't do a good job.

If they are asking, I think it's right to be honest but maybe you can take the time to also mention any good they did.

You're alive. You've achieved success in your life and I'm sure you can find ways they helped you do that.

If you hit them with negative after negative, they'll get defensive (which you've mentioned has happened) and will be less likely to engage in a discussion.

Your goal is to have a healthier relationship with them so don't lose sight of how you can make that possible as well.


Sent from my mobile device.

[NDAlum]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

I lie!

The stats had me in a very bad place at this point in my life...I just tell my mom I love her and she did great.

I am the parent

[TheMatrix31]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

The only problems I have with my parents are that they made a horrible decision to move to LA that has proven itself to be terrible financially and otherwise, and that my Mom is obsessed with weight to an unhealthy degree.

I've been thoroughly blessed.

[Cusefan]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

My dad is a Alcoholic and my mom is a Cake-a-holic( thats not a joke, she is overweight and loves cake). I could pick a few things my parents could have done better, but overall, my parents worked their *** off so I could live a happy life.

I think you must ask yourself this question: Am I the person I am today because of my parents? I consider myself to be in a pretty good spot at this point in my life and I do owe a great deal to my parents.

[BunnyHardaway]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

I NEVER say anything to my mom about her parenting anymore. She gets mad when anybody criticizes how she is/was with me. She thinks she is a perfect parent despite never being around when I was younger, so much so that apparently I thought my grandmother was my mom until I was 2 or 3. She's got some issues (parenting or whatever else) that she's too stubborn to work out. She's very materialistic...if it doesn't involve money, it doesn't matter to her.

My dad and I never got along when I was younger, but we're fine now...just don't see each other that often. He had a kid with his wife in '01 and does great with him and is very involved. My mom for some reason is bitter, but I'm glad he learned from his mistakes and is good with my half brother. Having a kid while married with a solid job at 29 is a hell of a lot easier than having a kid while in high school at 18.

[C the Lyte]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

You can't pick your parents. Some of us were truly blessed and had great parents. I was lucky in that aspect.

Some of us had pretty ****ty parents... my father was one of those and vowed to never give his kids that kind of a childhood. He was successful in that.

However, I do see how his childhood has affected him, and it still does to this day. He has brought it up with his parents. The parents were basically like this (and keep in mind they divorced when he was 6):

"Son, I am sorry for the way we did you and your brothers. If I could go back and change things, I would. But I can't. Still doesn't change my love for you. And I hope it doesn't change yours for me."

Point is, you can judge all you want. Something still affects you to this day about it, or you wouldn't be posting about on OS. But judging and resenting only hurts you.

Your parents can't change what they did. And even though they probably regret it, they still won't own it, correct? Nothing you can really do about it @ this point.

You want to address it once and for all, but they don't want to. It's a 2 way street to get what you want. And either it's just not time or it ain't going to happen.

Your best bet is to just move on as best you can. Focus on your family. Be the best father and husband you can be. And not to be "that guy", but how bad could they have been? You're alive, doing well, successful. They couldn't have been THAT bad, could they?

[ehh]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

I was blessed to have two parents that loved me very much and were involved in every phase of my life growing up (for better or worse lol). They both worked very hard and sacrificed their own dreams to give my sister and I a better life.

They loved us unconditionally and were always there for us, IMO that's all you can ask for from your parents. They have their faults like everyone else but I certainly know how blessed I am.

Still, I judge them sometimes, it's in my nature. Both are overweight and neither are overly health conscious. That's what my sister and I discuss the most, mostly because we want them to live another 20-30 years. Other than that they have small issues that I judge but keep to myself. They love me unconditionally despite my faults and I return that to them.

I will say that it's easy to see how much someone's parents/their upbringing affects them as a person. My friends and ex-girlfriends that did not have a great home life have quite a few rather large social/emotional/mental issues. It's unfortunate, but such is life.