Judging Your Parents?

[12]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

I am not asking you to judge my parents. Moreover I am asking what do you think about judging your parents?

As I said, some outlets I read from suggested judging them only causes bitterness, and IF they are better people now, IF, then you should be thankful rather than dwell on the wrongs/negatives.

But regardless if they are better or not, shouldn't they still be aware of how they hurt, especially if you suppressed those feelings for a long time and have never addressed them?

I judge my parents in the best light I can. They are both amazing people and I hope that my kids feel the same way about me as I do for my parents.

I get the question, and IMO, judging is never OK. Times were different, circumstances were different. I try and not judge because truth be told, I don't know what another person is up against. Who am I to judge? No one. I do the best I can with what I have and I hope my parents, or anyone else does the same.

Sounds simplistic, and it is. But I was raised in a very loving home. We weren't without our problems as a family and I know my parents made mistakes, and I guess I could judge them for that if I wanted to. I am the youngest and was babied a bit more than the others, which made it hard for me to really grow up and find my own way... But I have now, and I wouldn't trade where I'm at for anything in the world.

I don't think it's right to judge, really. Having an opinion is one thing, but casting judgment is quite the different beast. In the end, it will hurt them and just make you bitter even if you don't think it will.

My .02.

[JBH3]

I appreciate everyone's responses, really do. My family has never talked about our problems and we just tend to sweep them under the rug and move on. I have gotten very good at that in my life. Whereas my wife likes to talk through everything or needs time, and that was something I was just never use to. Growing up we were always expected to just move on and maintain this air of happiness even if we were not, and I tried unsuccessfully in my marriage in the beginning and it took a toll on us.

My wife and I had to receive therapy/marriage counseling, and a lot of the problems we had to work through were directly connected to our prime example of parents, our own parents. We are sooooo much better now, and I have enjoyed the greatest years of my lifr with her, and will have many more.

Its not so much that I want to judge my parents, but that I want them to understand things I have had to go through. I love them unconditionally, and would want no other parents, and I am thankful that I have parents as some don't even know there own parents.

Like ND Alum said....he just lies for the sake of their feelings. I have done that pretty much all this time, and it begins to take somewhat of a toll.

[C the Lyte]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

My last post on this topic :

YOU can only control what YOU can control. And that's not alot. Everything else is out of your hands, so deal with it the best you can.

[Hassan Darkside]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

I judge my parents (I'm 23) but based on only what I know about them. I think my mom did a fine job in raising me and maybe to a lesser degree my two sisters but I do think that they are mostly responsible for where they are in life due to their decisions.

But both of my parents childhoods affected them and affected how they raised us. Both of my parents feel they learned how not to parent from their parents. My mom's parents were alcoholics and abused her on the regular, my dad's father died when he was 8 and his mother just up and left him, literally hopped on a train and got off where it stopped (Boston) because she was so distraught at the death of her husband. So my dad ended up being raised by a useless, lazy alcoholic.

I always had a little resentment toward my dad for how he was. He was/is a terrible communicator, never talks about anything personal, always acts like everything is fine around us, but hides so much from us. I felt like though he was there, he just wasn't really there. I never had a real good father-son relationship, we never through baseball out in the yard together, we never played videogames together, never went on trips, never had any father-son time at all really. I never really confided in him, he never really seemed to go out of his way to make me an important part of his life despite being under the same roof as me.

But after I learned about his background (which he never ever talks about) from my mom, I started to understand better. I finally had a conversation about it over a miserable Christmas break and saw him cry for the first time in my life. He reminisced coming home from school and seeing the guy that raised him sitting on the porch with his buddies drinking liquor out of milk jugs. Said that he was 12 years old and would have to get up at 5 am, shovel snow out of the driveway and drive that man to work because he had his license suspended after a couple DUIs. My parents have been on the outs for the last few years and are about to split, but my dad never talked about it either. He pretty much told me that they say there's no book on how to parent and he basically just took negative things from his childhood and tried his best to make sure we never had to deal with them. And that it's a cycle and I'll take things from him that I don't like and make sure my kids don't see them.

Anyway, I don't really carry any ill will towards him anymore and the time I've spent away from him in college has helped me push it pretty much all away. But I try to keep everything in perspective and understand why my parents made certain decisions that they did.

[JBH3]

I judge my parents (I'm 23) but based on only what I know about them. I think my mom did a fine job in raising me and maybe to a lesser degree my two sisters but I do think that they are mostly responsible for where they are in life due to their decisions.

But both of my parents childhoods affected them and affected how they raised us. Both of my parents feel they learned how not to parent from their parents. My mom's parents were alcoholics and abused her on the regular, my dad's father died when he was 8 and his mother just up and left him, literally hopped on a train and got off where it stopped (Boston) because she was so distraught at the death of her husband. So my dad ended up being raised by a useless, lazy alcoholic.

I always had a little resentment toward my dad for how he was. He was/is a terrible communicator, never talks about anything personal, always acts like everything is fine around us, but hides so much from us. I felt like though he was there, he just wasn't really there. I never had a real good father-son relationship, we never through baseball out in the yard together, we never played videogames together, never went on trips, never had any father-son time at all really. I never really confided in him, he never really seemed to go out of his way to make me an important part of his life despite being under the same roof as me.

But after I learned about his background (which he never ever talks about) from my mom, I started to understand better. I finally had a conversation about it over a miserable Christmas break and saw him cry for the first time in my life. He reminisced coming home from school and seeing the guy that raised him sitting on the porch with his buddies drinking liquor out of milk jugs. Said that he was 12 years old and would have to get up at 5 am, shovel snow out of the driveway and drive that man to work because he had his license suspended after a couple DUIs. My parents have been on the outs for the last few years and are about to split, but my dad never talked about it either. He pretty much told me that they say there's no book on how to parent and he basically just took negative things from his childhood and tried his best to make sure we never had to deal with them. And that it's a cycle and I'll take things from him that I don't like and make sure my kids don't see them.

Anyway, I don't really carry any ill will towards him anymore and the time I've spent away from him in college has helped me push it pretty much all away. But I try to keep everything in perspective and understand why my parents made certain decisions that they did.

This was really great....see my dad and I have never had the father/son talk either. My dad is an only child, and though not every only child is the same, many do display a selfishness and/or isolation/solitude. For my dad this sentiment would be true.

My dad may have done a little more than your father that is he took me and my little brother to baseball games and such, but it was more like he would drag me and my brother to games sometimes because we didn't always want to go. We had our own interests which he never really accepted or tried to enjoy with us, and it was his way or the highway bascially, and if I didn't try to enjoy myself he would be offended.

My grandfather and grandmother (my dad's parents) lived literally 5 minutes away, and would pick up all the slack from my parents. They moved from South Jersey, to Virginia after my birth in '81. My grandfather would chauffeur me and my brother around, and my grandmother would help me with my homework.

This is where I say, that for me as the eldest sibling, my parents did not provide the emotionally stability. When my grandparents passed it was very hard for me, but much like my dad I kept a lot of that inside as I learned his behavior of internalizing everything.

Now I want more from my mom and dad, but that is where the struggle is really and since they've never heard this from me they need to understand. However, in some of our communication back and forth they have just mainly put up their defenses because of me "judging them", but I just want to be honest about my feelings/issues.

[Hassan Darkside]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

I gotcha. My parents don't really get on me for "judging" them or put their defenses up, probably because they know it's all love when I'm bringing something up to them.

[Lieutenant Dan]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

Now I want more from my mom and dad, but that is where the struggle is really and since they've never heard this from me they need to understand. However, in some of our communication back and forth they have just mainly put up their defenses because of me "judging them", but I just want to be honest about my feelings/issues.

As a father of five (1 son from first marriage, four step children from this one), the thread title really piqued my interest and has been a fascinating read into child/parent relations and parental legacy.

As has been brought up, I don't know you or your parents. But if you want to try to open up your relationship to them I think you might lead with what I bolded, in so many words. You might find talking with them one at a time may work better, a quiet sit down in a park or even a coffee shop on neutral ground.

Be sure to mention that you are happy, and some of the positives from their parenting. Then ease into the stuff that you might change with your children that they did and why (what effects it had on you growing up). Be ready to talk about it honestly but gently if they are easily defensive. If it's not working, back off for now. Might have to be done in more than one conversation, the idea is to at least open the door to it.

From my own experience, my parents were great. My only negative aspects of growing up were the wars with my big brother, and as a result we still rarely chat. We like each other fine now, but we're not 'buds' like some siblings are.

My parents were excellent models to me for parenting. The problem is I became a parent in my first marriage and that I couldn't 'get in' to my son, as in, not a baby person, or even a little kid person. My ex-wife practically smothered him, and he and I got on fine, I just wasn't quite as involved as I should have been.

He and I really got close when he hit high school. He's basically a 6' mini-me now lol (I'm 6-4) and our relationship is very different and unique. I'm still his father, but we are also great friends with shared interests. He told me the other day when we were talking that he wants to be like me and listed the qualities about me that he admires the most. Best thing I've ever heard from him besides "I love you, Dad."

Having said all that, I've been writing a journal, pages and pages about the kids and my relationships with them. I'm doing the best I can, and using my parents as a model, but even with that I don't necessarily think I was ever meant to be a father. I got a good dose of the 'hand-wringing' gene from my dad's dad, and worry about everything. As a result, and given the kid's personalities, I stress almost constantly and it's taken a toll on me. There's much more to it than worry, but that's what my journal and my counselor are for

JBH3, in the movie "Gran Torino", Clint Eastwood's character laments that he wished he had been a better father to his kids, saying that he 'just didn't know how.' Very poignant, and possibly somewhat germaine to your own parents situation raising you. Just throwin it out there.

Best wishes to you, and try to keep a journal about your kids as they grow up, you'll be glad for it and it's valuable for referencing their progress (or regression) in their growth as people.

[DaveDQ]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

You mentioned that your wife tends to be on the other end of the spectrum, wanting to walk through things and work them out. Having been through counseling, I'm sure you know that this is a blessing to you. If you were with someone who swept things under the rug or avoided getting to the bottom of things because of fear of conflict, you'd have a repeat of what you have grown up with.

The positive that you have going for you is that you have investigated yourself and your up bringing and come to the conclusion that some things were done inappropriately. Now you have to make the decision to see that you may carry some of the same issues you actually despise. It's rather interesting how that works. Sometimes we are very much like the parent we are upset with. But for you, you know that you may have these struggles, so you now can now make a decision to deal with those struggles. <b>Bitterness will cause you to make bitter judgments.</b> Avoid saying things to yourself or others, "I'll never do what my parents did..never!" That comes from a somewhat jaded perspective.

Consider your childhood and the things you feel have hurt you or even limited you. Understand that your parents had parents too and that what they struggle with is most likely generational. When you understand where a person is coming from and what they have dealt with, it gives us the ability to be compassionate and not hold things over someone's head. Not being able to forgive essentially means you want the party that hurt you to continually be held accountable in guilt. Having what you have now with your wife you can decide not to judge and graciously operate in seeing your struggles and working it out day to day.

[RockinDaMike]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

I say let it go and stop having it being a negative in your mind. You're lucky that your parents stayed together and raised you and financially supported you when you were growing up.

You know how many people I met that didn't grow up with a dad? Or even adopted and don't know who their real parents are? MANY. It's sad to see kids today not having both parents or even 1 that cares.

Did you grow up starving? Or getting abused physically? Do you suffer from mental issues because of abuse? If not, then whats the problem?

My dad was really strict and I'll be honest he would put me down all the time and I would fight with him all the time when I was a teenager. He was you could say verbally abusive and I also grew up getting whipped old school style. Both of my parents are both from the Philippines and migrated here to the US in the late 70's and throughout my childhood we had definite culture clashes.

I argued a lot with my dad growing up and I moved out when I was 19, but I didn't realize the things he was harping on is how I can support myself and be disciplined. He has no idea how much that has helped me become independent.

I don't ever judge them now, I thank them ALL THE TIME. They worked their asses off to support me and my bro and sis.

They are getting old and they are going to be gone before you know it. Imagine the heartbreak your mom had inside hearing their kid tell them they suck as a parent. You may have not said that specifically but that's what they hear from you when you judge them.

You gotta ask yourself what you are getting out of this by judging them? Sounds to me nothing positive. I'm sure it doesn't make you happy and for sure it doesn't make them happy so why do it?

If they drove you to become better than them, then man they did their job! Isn't that what we all want from our kids is to have them become better than youself?

Of course there is going to be friction in the relationship, its going to happen or its a not real. I still get into arguments with mine but then I figure out a solution or we come to a compromise.

Sorry for being blunt here but if you met some of the kids I met that have no home or no parents then you would understand. My advice, apologize to your parents and thank them for all of what they done for you no matter how much it would you hurt your pride. They're defenses will go down and they will listen to you. And whatever you are telling them, make sure its nothing selfish and that it benefits everyone in the family.

The goal is to have an awesome relationship with them. Don't you want that? It will be great for you and also for your kids. I have an awesome relationship now with my parents.

I remember the day I told my dad that I was sorry for being difficult growing up and thanked him for everything. I went into specifics too. And he didn't gloat about it, he apologized as well for not being the perfect parent.

Since then we've become best friends and I can't tell you how much that means to me. We are planning a business together and I'm helping him with his retirement and we are going the Philippines to build a hotel. It's exciting times and I hope one day you get that type of relationship with your parents.

[NDAlum]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

I lie!

The stats had me in a very bad place at this point in my life...I just tell my mom I love her and she did great.

I am the parent

Last night I had to get my mom out of jail for a DWI

[55]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

Last night I had to get my mom out of jail for a DWI

Sounds like she was hanging out with my mother.

[ScoobySnax]

To ND & 55, I'm really sorry to hear that. Just try to compartmentalize those instances and not have them become your complete perception of them. I'm sure they aren't too proud of those moments either. However, I know it's easier said than done.

My mom didn't make the greatest decisions when I was growing up. She was a compulsive gambler and she literally gambled away everything we had to the point where our home was foreclosed on. I held on to anger towards her for so long about that until I realized that she had to raise two bad *** boys on her own who happened to each have a deadbeat dad. I couldn't imagine what I would've done if I were in the same situation. Regardless of our struggles, I've come out of it a better man and I have her to thank for it.

I just try to love my mom as best I can and be there her as much as possible because at the end of the day, thats my mama. She's lived a very hard life and has not had much to smile about, but things are finally starting to turn around for her. I try to keep it all in perspective, because Lord knows if she passed tomorrow, I'd be completely devastated.

Anyway, I wish everyone the best in the handling of their personal situations. Even typing this out has been therapeutic in a sense for me. Take care fellas.


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[Qb]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

I do forgive them, and I only use my experiences from childhood and adolescents as a driver to be a better parent emotionally and spiritually than my parents.

I think you already have it figured out.

[Phobia]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

This is a thread I can really relate to. I won't speak on the issues I must deal with on a day to day basis, but I will say I can agree with much of the talk in here.

It is rough when you feel as if you are the "more mature" one in the relationship with your parents. I don't know how to answer your question JB, I tried the "opening up" route and at the moment we are not speaking sooooooo....I guess that avenue didn't work.

Hope it changes, but at the moment I feel as if it won't. I am in your same boat.

[MMurda]

Re: Judging Your Parents?

i know 1st hand that its hard to do, but just keep it in perspective. as some have said, things couldve always been worse. we think we had it bad but someone always has it way worse...crackhead parents, alcoholic parents, absent parents (emotionally/mentally absent like ours + physically gone), being poor on top, etc etc. focus on the good, and remember we all are only here for a unpredictable limited amount of time. better not to waste it being mad at them or holding things against them cuz who knows when its their or your time to "check out". be strong and remember like someone in here said...u can only control what you can control...so do that to the best of your ability and know that thats all u really can do. would it be nice to have it another way? sure...but thats not the hand we were dealt, but we still gotta deal.