Sad day for me

[JeremyB]

Hi guys

About a week ago my grandpa went to the emergency room with stomach pains. They found cancer in his liver but testing was needed to find out if it had spread. They found out last night that it had spread to his lung and bone in his right hip. He was also told that chemo or radiation wouldn't be affective at this point. The hospital wanted to put him in a hospice but he denied it and wants to spend his remaining days at home where he is comfortable. At the moment he hasn't wanted anybody to come visit as he was in pain but they have the pain under control and we are going tomorrow to see him. As far as I know there is no time line as to how much time he has remaining with us. He is my only grandpa as my dads dad dies before I was born.

I have never had a death in my family as close as my grandpas will be. For guys that have been through this how do you go through your days knowing what sadness is awaiting?

Thanks for allowing me to open up

[Blzer]

Re: Sad day for me

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Jeremy.

I've never known sadness to be awaiting, as it has always come to me unexpectedly.

As far as closest losses, I lost my dad in August 2014, and it was way beyond hard. I thought I was lost forever, since so much of what I do is to make him proud and such. Anyway, the best thing I could do was be distracted. I worked all of the time, and I was with people (mostly my H.S. students), so I guess I didn't have it that bad. Every time I would drive though, I'd talk to him and cry it out.

Since I moved a few months later, any time he is in my dreams it is still in our old house (which I guess makes sense, because he has never been to this new house before). A lot of dreams also involve him "coming back to us." I like these dreams.

I'm reminded him every day, but I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it. I don't yet know if I fully am, but my mind isn't ever bogged down by it anymore. I just can't believe it's a reality. It just wasn't supposed to happen this soon. But it did, and the best thing I could do was keep myself a busybody and not isolate myself in too many ways. That just made me sadder.

[shogunofharlem3]

Re: Sad day for me

Jeremy, I am sorry for the terrible news. I got very similar news with my dad in 2010. He had colon cancer that had spread to his liver which the doctors said was incurable and he had less than 6 months. I am 15 years younger than my oldest brother so I had also never really been through a close family loss as my grandparents had passed before I came along.

We got the news from the doc as a family, so difficult. But watching him fight and prove everyone wrong for 3 years, 6 months my *** he would say, was so amazing yet so difficult at times. In that 3 years several close calls, numerous trips to the hospital, hours of sitting with him getting treatment.

He never looked at an end date and we tried our best not to either. We enjoyed our times together, whether going to the casino with my older brothers or coming to watch me coach my high school baseball team he was there. And always second guessing why I didn't bunt with that guy in the.....you get it. Even on his sickest days he could still out coach me.

He had many don't come see me days. No company allowed. Grumpy, mean, uncomfortable, but hell, we didn't know what he was going through. There are no good answers to how to deal all I can say is don't waste a second. Enjoy your time together and remember if he is having a bad day, it's ok. He still loves you all.

Thoughts and prayers.

[Speedy]

Re: Sad day for me

Treat every day like it will be your last day with him...make memories.

As a quick story from what I've went thru...

My mother's parents were dead before I was 5 years old so I don't remember them. My dad's mom died when I was a toddler and I thought his dad was very greedy and mean so I didn't like being around him at all. I had no biological grandparents I stayed with.

Anyways...(main point here)...there was a couple from my church that I just clung to as a baby; I treated them as my grandparents and was at their house all the time. I called my grandpa Buddy for some reason and he was a hugely strong man...as an example, several times he would throw me batting practice and I would wallop him in the stomach or arm and he would act like it's nothing. He went to the dentist one day and had a couple of teeth pulled without any pain medication. I thought he was superman growing up.

He worked/retired from RJR and was diagnosed with lung cancer when I was 17, only a few weeks before he died; I'll never forget going to his house and seeing how fragile he was, seeing hospice there...I hated being there and hated seeing him like that - it wasn't the man I've known all my life. But, I knew it was the right thing to do so I stayed and tried to keep him company, talk to him about old times, make him laugh and smile. He made my day so many times, I wanted to be there for him now. Buddy NEVER cried but I'll never forget right before I had to go - tears started streaming down his face and he told me I was the grandson he never had and the he loved me. He passed away the next day. That's a moment I'll cherish forever.

So, to circle back, take every moment you can and enjoy it with him...whether he's in a hospital bed or at home, ensure he knows how you feel about him.

[NARFALICIOUS]

Re: Sad day for me

Sorry to hear

[Cusefan]

Re: Sad day for me

im sorry to hear that but it's at least nice you will get a good bye. All of my loved either died suddenly or had massive strokes which basically rendered them vegetables, it will be a good thing for you to say everything you need to say.

[Knight165]

Re: Sad day for me

Sorry to hear this....

It reminds me of when my father found out he had stomach cancer.
We brought him home and he was in hospice care(in home).
You should look into that.
The nurse came by once a day.....and there was pain management as well.
It was a good alternative.

M.K.
Knight165

[LambertandHam]

Re: Sad day for me

Hi guys

About a week ago my grandpa went to the emergency room with stomach pains. They found cancer in his liver but testing was needed to find out if it had spread. They found out last night that it had spread to his lung and bone in his right hip. He was also told that chemo or radiation wouldn't be affective at this point. The hospital wanted to put him in a hospice but he denied it and wants to spend his remaining days at home where he is comfortable. At the moment he hasn't wanted anybody to come visit as he was in pain but they have the pain under control and we are going tomorrow to see him. As far as I know there is no time line as to how much time he has remaining with us. He is my only grandpa as my dads dad dies before I was born.

I have never had a death in my family as close as my grandpas will be. For guys that have been through this how do you go through your days knowing what sadness is awaiting?

Thanks for allowing me to open up

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. I lost my grandmother last year on the 22nd to heart failure. I was in a similar situation as you, as I had not experienced close loss, someone I saw mostly every day. We took her to the ER because she fell trying to get out of her chair, only to find out she was in late stage heart failure.

When I went to see my grandmother the night before she passed away in the hospital, it shook me to the core. She couldn't speak, but I held her hand, talked to her and a priest came in to do last rites. You might not think of it like this now, but having that chance to actually talk, if you're able, is precious. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free.

[JeremyB]

Re: Sad day for me

Thanks for the kind words guys I really appreciate it. I just feel bad for my mom and aunt having to know that their dad is in his last days. I feel sad I know that but I don't know what else I feel right now.

How did you guys get through everyday things like work? I just want to be alone at the moment and not have to deal with people?

Again thanks for the nice words, I will keep you guys updated.

[Knight165]

Re: Sad day for me

I hope I'm not saying too much.....

For me...working for N.Y.C.(and especially the F.D. post September 11th), luckily we have a great counseling unit.
I was granted leave to take care of him(he did live with me....but I don't think that would have made a difference with his prognosis)
Because of some other complications...he was bedridden from the start after finding out, which made having someone with him at all times a necessity.
Perhaps your employer(I'm assuming....you may still be in school) can grant you some sort of leave in order to be his caregiver.

I'll be honest, it won't be easy....not taking care of him...and not dealing with losing him.

I just got out as many old photos.....spent time talking.....and making sure I told him the things I felt he needed to hear from me.

That's all you can do.

Thoughts are with you.

M.K.
Knight165

[Blzer]

Re: Sad day for me

Thanks for the kind words guys I really appreciate it. I just feel bad for my mom and aunt having to know that their dad is in his last days. I feel sad I know that but I don't know what else I feel right now.

How did you guys get through everyday things like work? I just want to be alone at the moment and not have to deal with people?

Again thanks for the nice words, I will keep you guys updated.

I guess it depends on where/how you work, but as I said work was the perfect distraction for me.

See, I'm a high school teacher. When my dad passed, it was the day before the new school year... and it was very "on the spot" sudden, too. No hint of it happening beforehand. It was also on vacation (yes, I flew back up that night, about two hours after they called it). I had been accepted into a new district earlier that year, and my dad (who was a college professor) and I were really looking forward to this new school year.

So what does all of this mean? For a week I was at home by myself afterward, but during the day I was at the one place I wanted to be, where I was with my kiddlings and doing what my dad loved to do, what I love to do, and what we were both looking forward to for quite some time. When he was of course my ultimate role model, I look into their faces and just say that they are the perfect distraction from the ****tiest of situations that I was in. And they were. Any time I was teaching, pretty much anything went off to the side. Any time I was driving or went home, I felt more alone than ever. So yes, work for me was perfect.

And being around people? It depends on how much you feel you want/need to talk to others about it. I'm still pretty young in my community and the loss of a father "this early," especially when suddenly, is shocking for all to hear where they will stop at nothing to console me. My dad was still well loved, respected, and involved our softball community, so my first day returning back to coaching a practice I got nothing but big love from everybody. I was emotional for sure, but it's where I wanted to be. Not alone.

Everybody does it differently, and your situation is different from mine (dad versus grandfather, perhaps an age difference, different workplaces, different circumstances knowing that it's coming, etc.), so maybe in your situation I might end up feeling different, and I know that I'm probably going to find out how this feels within the next ten years for sure, but loneliness just caused more hurt for sure, and distractions were always welcome for me.

[JeremyB]

Re: Sad day for me

Thanks knight

We have a lot of people that are helping out so that is good. I don't know how taking time off work would work, maybe it might take my mind off things but at the same time I don't want to take my mind off things. I tried playing some games on the ps4 today but just not in it so maybe going into work would be of some benefit.

It was back in 2003 that I spent everyday after work at the hospital to be with my wife while she went through chemo. She was a in patient for 2 months before having to undergo chemotherapy for two years after. We were 18 at the time and I think for some reason I was able to deal with it when I was younger.

[JeremyB]

Re: Sad day for me

Blazer,

Thnks for the advice my friend. Os may be for sports gaming but the one thing that makes this site so great is that help you get from forum members wether it be something like how to download a roster to help with tragedies that may befall us in our lives. I may only know you guys through here but you are all friends.

[SPTO]

Re: Sad day for me

I have no real advice Jeremy except to say that it's truly a terrible thing to go through. When my grandfather died last year (my last remaining grandparent) My family and I went to Miami to be with him and we saw him EVERY DAY. It was a good way to come to terms with what he was going through and we all go to reminisce about how great of a guy he was. He ended up dying a couple months later and we went back for the funeral.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[shogunofharlem3]

Re: Sad day for me

Thanks for the kind words guys I really appreciate it. I just feel bad for my mom and aunt having to know that their dad is in his last days. I feel sad I know that but I don't know what else I feel right now.

How did you guys get through everyday things like work? I just want to be alone at the moment and not have to deal with people?

Again thanks for the nice words, I will keep you guys updated.

I am also a teacher, I teach computer technology k through 8, and when my dad passed in 12 I had a few days out of school and just sort of helped my 77 year old mother adjust at the house but for me it was getting back to school. Just trying to make things normal, even though they werent.

Of course many tough days, still to today, but that is to be expected. But getting back to school with the kids and back to winter workouts with my high school team were things I know he loved so that helped me try to get things back moving forward positively again.