Concerned Father question

[larrygiterdone]

Re: Concerned Father question

to be honest, most of it is out of the parents hands

most of it comes down to whether or not the kid has a good head on their shoulders

if they do, they will make good decisions, if not, there is nothing the parent can really do

[dave360]

Re: Concerned Father question

I can't even begin to imagine what a nightmare the internet is to a parent right now

[Rainey]

Re: Concerned Father question

Good luck on that person with no children.

Then let me know how that works out when your kid shows you the profile that she/he wants you to see and not the one she actually uses.

With all due respect... raise a child... then have an opinion.

Let's just remember every child is different and just because you have raised one does not make you an expert.

Case in point, me and my sister were raised in the same home and treated exactly the same. However, we act totally different and should my parents be applauded for one of us and admonished for the other?

[Chief Illinimac]

Re: Concerned Father question

I think a lot of it has to do with the kid specifically, as in there are ways they will act regardless of how you raise them. However, the parents do play a big role. From my experience with kids, I found that you can get what you want from just about any kid if you don't treat them like a kid. Talk to them as if they were on your level, get to know them, and develop a relationship. Then they will confide in you when they face issues like alcohol and stuff as they get older.

Authority comes from respect. They won't respect you just because you have authority.

[choadler]

Re: Concerned Father question

I'm not trying to create any doubt but I know what goes on since I know people who's parents try to lock everything down. It does no good and maybe you should listen to the "children" since people obviously don't know what their kids do when they're not around. And just so you know, looking at the internet history doesn't do anything, it's pretty easy to go in there and delete whatever sites you went to. Again, keeping things off-limits will just make the kids sneakier in what they do.

Sorry not buying it. So I shouldn't tell my kid that I better not ever catch them taking drugs. You guys miss the point. You will never ever be able to control what people do, it is your job as a parent to guide your child in this best way possible, not say well since they are going to be sneaky about taking drugs, I shouldn't forbid it. Absolutely mind numbing. I cannot stop a person that wants to do self destructive things, but I will sure as hell make sure they know it is self destructive and unacceptable behavior and it won't be happening in my house. Hopefully later in their life they will wake up.

[jmood88]

Re: Concerned Father question

Sorry not buying it. So I shouldn't tell my kid that I better not ever catch them taking drugs. You guys miss the point. You will never ever be able to control what people do, it is your job as a parent to guide your child in this best way possible, not say well since they are going to be sneaky about taking drugs, I shouldn't forbid it. Absolutely mind numbing. I cannot stop a person that wants to do self destructive things, but I will sure as hell make sure they know it is self destructive and unacceptable behavior and it won't be happening in my house. Hopefully later in their life they will wake up.

I wasn't talking about drugs so that has nothing to do with what I'm saying. You can let them know what they should and shouldn't do without trying to cut off all access to it. What are you going to do if they do something that you "forbig", kick them out? Kids are going to do what they want regardless but it would be better for both of you to actually sit down with them and talk to them about why they shouldn't be doing something rather than saying "I forbid you and what I say is what you do". There's nothing wrong with having conversations with your children when they get to the age where they understand what you're talking about and are able to see things from your point of view.

[IlliniM1ke]

Re: Concerned Father question

I'm going to agree with jmood, when you're told flat out not to do something, we'll use myspace as the example here, as a teenager that just makes you want to use it more. For the most part teenagers like to go against what they're told to do.

Now for bigger things like drugs and alcohol my parents drilled that into my head from an early age, so in doing so it definitely worked, I mean I won't lie I have drank alcohol underage before, but the drugs and smoking part worked to this day I've never done either. But I'm sure if I had been drinking or doing drugs before they began telling me it would've had little to no affect on me since I'm sure I would've just kept doing it.

When they tell you time and time again from a young age I think the kid is more prone to listen, being as they most likely haven't started yet, however with something like myspace where they're already using it when you come out and try to set some ground rules or bannish it all around then that generally won't go over so well.

Obviously things like telling your kid not to do drugs or drink is easier to start getting into their heads early on because thats something most every parent knows they'll tell their kids about, things like myspace though that pop up recently and become huge are a little tougher due to by the time you're telling your kid you want them to cutback they've already been using it. Also I'm in no way saying myspace is anything like drugs or alcohol, just kind've using them to help show the point I'm making.

[IlliniM1ke]

Re: Concerned Father question

to be honest, most of it is out of the parents hands

most of it comes down to whether or not the kid has a good head on their shoulders

if they do, they will make good decisions, if not, there is nothing the parent can really do

I find this to be very true also, but the parent still plays a large role in that being as its their job to teach you right from wrong at a young age. However once the kid is old enough to have to face these decisions they should be prepared to make the right choice, if the parent did everything they could and the kid still screws up not much you can do about it but try to help them learn from it and hope they don't make that mistake again.

But a lot of it definitely comes down to the individual.

[elicoleman]

Re: Concerned Father question

I can't even begin to imagine what a nightmare the internet is to a parent right now

Agreed.

[The GIGGAS]

Re: Concerned Father question

to be honest, most of it is out of the parents hands

most of it comes down to whether or not the kid has a good head on their shoulders

if they do, they will make good decisions, if not, there is nothing the parent can really do

Isn't it the job of the parent to "shape" the child to have a good head on their shoulders?

[TheMatrix31]

Re: Concerned Father question

First off, and most important; I think spying on your kid is a horrible, horrible thing to do.
<o></o>
The problem nowadays is the trust and communication level between parents and their kids. Yes, the kids (especially when they get into their teenage years) are more likely to do things and cover them up, but when there is a trust developed between the parent and their child from a young age, it helps situations like these.
<o></o>
Forming the trust, bond, and respect between the two sides is the key to everything. My parents taught me things at a young age, and then took a general hands-off approach because they trusted me enough to make the right decision. This applied to watching TV (including wrestling, which I am still an avid fan of), listening to music, internet usage, alcohol, drugs, etc. Nothing was so blatantly banned and frowned upon that ended up making me feel tempted to try it. They just taught me what was right and what was wrong, despite what I was subjected to.
<o></o>
One thing I want to make very clear is that I don't want to sound like I'm on a high horse, because I can't reasonably expect every teenager to act the way I have. I'm speaking from my own experience, and I just believe that this was a correct approach. Of course, as said above, every kid is different so the approach has to be different.
<o></o>
I think that parents need to show children the benefits of the internet, rather than the slums of MySpace and other sites (pornographic material, etc). All they see from their friends is that "MySpace is the coolest thing" and "I have to get one and post slutty pictures of myself/I have to get one and show how 'hard' I am". If this is what they see, it's what they'll do. But that parental influence (however deep it may run) plays a huge role in what they decide when it comes to what they see their friends doing.
<o></o>
It has to be a preemptive approach, not a reactive approach. What can someone do once they've already sunk their teeth into things like that? My parents trusted both my older brothers and myself with our own computers. I had my own laptop by the time I was in 7th grade. That laptop was purchased (with my own monetary contributions as well) for a SCHOOL purpose, used for a laptop program that was established in my middle school. The program had me use my laptop in my History, English, and Science classes, and it was an absolutely invaluable to my experience as a successful student. Since I knew the
benefits of the internet from the START, I think it helped me fend off temptations of participating in internet trash like MySpace.
<o></o>
One can and should also use the internet as a tool to show the dangers of some sites, or things like chat rooms (using sites like www.perverted-justice.com). The amount of description that goes on those sites should be enough to make any child decide on their own not to use those things, or at the very least, proceed with great caution and restraint when using them.
<o></o>
I think this is the problem with our society as a whole. There is no more focus on family and values. Everything is individual. This is the reason we see most of the things we see (and I can't get specific, because that might cross the line as far as getting political and TOS stuff goes). Children are getting off on the wrong foot and it's carrying over to their teen years and adulthood. Then they pass it down to their own children, and the cycle continues.
<o></o>
<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> It's all about teaching your kid how to be responsible. The trust my parents have instilled in me is priceless because now, I know what they expect of me. They have trusted me to be able to make my own decisions when it comes to things, and I work to not violate that trust. I guess not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have had this type of open relationship with my parents, but I just think that if more people had it, we’d have a lot less bull**** going on.

[roadman]

Re: Concerned Father question

First off, and most important; I think spying on your kid is a horrible, horrible thing to do.
<o></o>
The problem nowadays is the trust and communication level between parents and their kids. Yes, the kids (especially when they get into their teenage years) are more likely to do things and cover them up, but when there is a trust developed between the parent and their child from a young age, it helps situations like these.
<o></o>
Forming the trust, bond, and respect between the two sides is the key to everything. My parents taught me things at a young age, and then took a general hands-off approach because they trusted me enough to make the right decision. This applied to watching TV (including wrestling, which I am still an avid fan of), listening to music, internet usage, alcohol, drugs, etc. Nothing was so blatantly banned and frowned upon that ended up making me feel tempted to try it. They just taught me what was right and what was wrong, despite what I was subjected to.
<o></o>
One thing I want to make very clear is that I don't want to sound like I'm on a high horse, because I can't reasonably expect every teenager to act the way I have. I'm speaking from my own experience, and I just believe that this was a correct approach. Of course, as said above, every kid is different so the approach has to be different.
<o></o>
I think that parents need to show children the benefits of the internet, rather than the slums of MySpace and other sites (pornographic material, etc). All they see from their friends is that "MySpace is the coolest thing" and "I have to get one and post slutty pictures of myself/I have to get one and show how 'hard' I am". If this is what they see, it's what they'll do. But that parental influence (however deep it may run) plays a huge role in what they decide when it comes to what they see their friends doing.
<o></o>
It has to be a preemptive approach, not a reactive approach. What can someone do once they've already sunk their teeth into things like that? My parents trusted both my older brothers and myself with our own computers. I had my own laptop by the time I was in 7th grade. That laptop was purchased (with my own monetary contributions as well) for a SCHOOL purpose, used for a laptop program that was established in my middle school. The program had me use my laptop in my History, English, and Science classes, and it was an absolutely invaluable to my experience as a successful student. Since I knew the
benefits of the internet from the START, I think it helped me fend off temptations of participating in internet trash like MySpace.
<o></o>
One can and should also use the internet as a tool to show the dangers of some sites, or things like chat rooms (using sites like www.perverted-justice.com). The amount of description that goes on those sites should be enough to make any child decide on their own not to use those things, or at the very least, proceed with great caution and restraint when using them.
<o></o>
I think this is the problem with our society as a whole. There is no more focus on family and values. Everything is individual. This is the reason we see most of the things we see (and I can't get specific, because that might cross the line as far as getting political and TOS stuff goes). Children are getting off on the wrong foot and it's carrying over to their teen years and adulthood. Then they pass it down to their own children, and the cycle continues.
<o></o>
<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--> It's all about teaching your kid how to be responsible. The trust my parents have instilled in me is priceless because now, I know what they expect of me. They have trusted me to be able to make my own decisions when it comes to things, and I work to not violate that trust. I guess not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have had this type of open relationship with my parents, but I just think that if more people had it, we’d have a lot less bull**** going on.

Beautiful, I couldn't say it any better.

You need to develop trust with your children and trust is a two way street. I have children that are 14, 12 and 8. I've already told the 14 year old, in two years she will know everything and her parents will know nothing. All joking aside, she started to get hooked onto MySpace about a year ago. I installed a security software that didn't allow certain sites to be viewed, MySpace happened to be one of them.

Wow, the tears started flowing and the begging started. My wife and I allowed her to use MySpace only without any pics on of her on her page, no personal information(some of her friends were downright stupid how much info they put on their page), no pictures of herself and everything set to private.

I check her page once a month and everything seems to be fine.

Now, the 12 year old found out about War of Wolrd Craft. So, he's paying for it for 2 months, then it disappears for 3 months. Plus, we set time limits on this one.

My wife and I feel if you show show trust towards our children, they will return that trust during the difficult teen years. My daughter has been to parties already where there is alcohol and drugs and she has turned them down. We are very proud of her at this stage.

[Shaver]

Re: Concerned Father question

Matrix --

That's a good post, however, I would disagree with one statement:

"The problem nowadays is the trust and communication level between parents and their kids. Yes, the kids (especially when they get into their teenage years) are more likely to do things and cover them up, but when there is a trust developed between the parent and their child from a young age, it helps situations like these."

This is not a new issue. Trust and communication is not something that is lacking in this generation. Just because you heard about it less 10...20...even 50 years ago... didn't mean it didn't happen.

I think people assume the world is more dangerous today. I don't believe that's the case. 20 years ago when I was 13:
- Cars were not as safe as they are today
- Drug and Alcohol possession laws (including DUI) were not enforced nearly as hard as they are today
- It was far more difficult to stay in touch with your child away from home (no cell phones)

The list goes on, but I think today's society is actually more padded than it was two decades ago.

Furthermore, I believe kids and parents today actually have as good or better communication than the same dynamic 20 years ago because topics that you would NEVER discuss with your parents in 1987 are on the Disney Channel in 2007.

[roadman]

Re: Concerned Father question

I hear what your saying Clay, however, when I was 13, (over 30 years ago in a city of 40,000 people), we didn't lock our car doors at the local mall, now , today, we wouldn't think twice without doing it.

As a teenager , I played baseball in the summertime from 9:00am till dusk. I don't see that happening with the neighborhood kids anymore.

Neighbors would borrow a cup of sugar without thinking twice about it. I haven't seen that happen in our neighborhood since the 15 years that we've lived here.

We appeared to live without fear vs what we have today. I worry about my kids going to a huge park across the street. My parents didn't have any fear when I did that.

I understand what you are saying as well and it does have merit.

[Shaver]

Re: Concerned Father question

I hear what your saying Clay, however, when I was 13, (over 30 years ago in a city of 40,000 people), we didn't lock our car doors at the local mall, now , today, we wouldn't think twice without doing it.

As a teenager , I played baseball in the summertime from 9:00am till dusk. I don't see that happening with the neighborhood kids anymore.

Neighbors would borrow a cup of sugar without thinking twice about it. I haven't seen that happen in our neighborhood since the 15 years that we've lived here.

We appeared to live without fear vs what we have today. I worry about my kids going to a huge park across the street. My parents didn't have any fear when I did that.

I understand what you are saying as well and it does have merit.

But, don't you think that has as much or more to do with our culture than our parenting?

I was the same as you... hell... I pretty much left home on the first day of summer vacation and came home the day before school started (not literally mind you). We had 3 month long baseball games that traveled to every good spot in town (and I spent most of those years in an area of Michigan that is actually quite large -- 100,000+).

I think kids today dedicate their summer more to their MLB2K7 Dynasty than they do their game with their friends.

I think community is different than it was. Hell, I'm 33 years old and I have more "close friends" here at OS than I do in my neighborhood... many of which I have never met face-to-face.

It's a different world.