Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.
Answers in bold.
...and again...(As Rocky pointed out a few pages ago) no one on the side of "how important looks are" has responded to anything I've stated about...
"What happens when those looks fade, or say tragedy wipes them away, or kids come into the picture and erode those once great looks, or lifestyles change due to job/family/etc." People aren't answering it, because you're missing the point. The issue is not "how important looks are". It's about sacrifice and a willingness to make changes to meet your partner's needs. He's talking about her dropping some of the 40lbs. she picked up. Not like he's asking her to get plastic surgery.
All of these things can or WILL occur. Before heading into marriage there needs to be something else besides "Damn she's hot"...so essentially looks are not THE MOST important thing...NOT...when it comes to marriage. So many people in this thread have mentioned that physical attraction is only a part of the package. I don't recall anyone saying that the physical aspect was the most important, or only part of the relationship, but even if one or two people did, you are willfully ignoring most people's perspective to try to push things into polemics.
For sex...yes...for marriage... NO.
A marriage built on looks and sex will fail every time. Are you saying physical attraction and sex are not a part of the foundation of marriage at all? People in here are saying it's a part of the foundation, not the entirety of it.
So, after 3 years, if the deciding factor in wanting to marry this woman hinges on her losing 40 lbs than good luck to you (OP), and all others who decide to get married, have children, and start a family.
Unless you and your partner have an ultra-high metabolism, and/or enough money to afford surgeries to make yourself look better, your looks are going to change. The issue is not the inevitable effect of father time. This is a young woman in her twenties putting on 40lbs, and she wasn't skinny to begin with. There are different kinds of physical change. THIS ISSUE is about a physical change brought on by neglect and poor habits.
Unless you have a job and lifestyle that permits dedicating the increasing amount of time it will take to keep you and your partners standards of appearance in balance w/ what you expect each other to look like than by all means go right ahead and marry and/or start family.An hour of the right exercise a day and a good diet keeps most people in pretty good shape. Different people have different standards. In this case, he's not talking about her turning into Megan Fox.
However, if you don't and ultimately looks are the most important aspect that drives your desire to be with a woman than maybe marriage is not for you...?Who is saying "most important"?
Because you can try and try, and hope that your partner maintains the lifestyle that allows them to look the way they do or makes every effort to continue to eat and exercise to keep up w/ that appearane you so desire, but what if they don't?
What if one day...they just wake up and are burnt out by always doing this or that, or they just decide to stop and never really get back to looking the way you expect them to...what then? Burnt out by maintaining their own physical standard? Again, in this situation we're talking about a girl who was a normal weight before. It's not like she was a supermodel, and he's asking her to maintain extreme standards of physical fitness. But to answer your question, if the woman you are with changes past the point of your personal standards, then it's well within your right to make some tough decisions about your relationship.
What if this occurs while your children are still young, or ?Happens all the time. People have to work to maintain a relationship. Gaining 40lbs is taking someone for granted.
It's his life, but also the life he has shared w/ someone for the past 3 years....what about her?Someone always gets hurt when a relationship doesn't last forever. She'll live. If it'll kill her so badly, then all the easier for her to jog and lay off the butter and cheese.
Oh wait, she's gotten fat so eff her...right? Please.So he has to stay in the relationship even though he's unhappy?
Hypotheticals huh...The OP really didn't explain why she gained weight, and I wouldn't give ANYONE the benefit of the doubt that it's all on the other person.
Is the OP going to come on here and possibly say...
"OS Brothers I'm a real big porn junkie, and my girl hates it...it's made her depressed and now she's gained all this weight and I'm unattracted to her. I don't want to give up the porn because I like watching it, but it's ruining our relationship. Now that I've got a good career, do I dump the girl I've been w/ for three years even though I've thought about marrying her? Oh yea...she's a real good woman too."People are responsible for their own bodies. Someone can't "make you depressed" or "make you eat". That's permissive BS.
Nothing is explained in the first post about her weight gain so it's open for hypotheticals. The OP alluded to normal weight gain, and our answers have been in the context of normal weight gain. Those hypotheticals are tangential. You can keep inventing reasons for her weight gain that change the discussion, but we're talking about standard weight gain here. Most people gain weight from bad eating and lack of exercise. We aren't discussing the exceptions.
"What happens when those looks fade, or say tragedy wipes them away, or kids come into the picture and erode those once great looks, or lifestyles change due to job/family/etc." People aren't answering it, because you're missing the point. The issue is not "how important looks are". It's about sacrifice and a willingness to make changes to meet your partner's needs. He's talking about her dropping some of the 40lbs. she picked up. Not like he's asking her to get plastic surgery.
All of these things can or WILL occur. Before heading into marriage there needs to be something else besides "Damn she's hot"...so essentially looks are not THE MOST important thing...NOT...when it comes to marriage. So many people in this thread have mentioned that physical attraction is only a part of the package. I don't recall anyone saying that the physical aspect was the most important, or only part of the relationship, but even if one or two people did, you are willfully ignoring most people's perspective to try to push things into polemics.
For sex...yes...for marriage... NO.
A marriage built on looks and sex will fail every time. Are you saying physical attraction and sex are not a part of the foundation of marriage at all? People in here are saying it's a part of the foundation, not the entirety of it.
So, after 3 years, if the deciding factor in wanting to marry this woman hinges on her losing 40 lbs than good luck to you (OP), and all others who decide to get married, have children, and start a family.
Unless you and your partner have an ultra-high metabolism, and/or enough money to afford surgeries to make yourself look better, your looks are going to change. The issue is not the inevitable effect of father time. This is a young woman in her twenties putting on 40lbs, and she wasn't skinny to begin with. There are different kinds of physical change. THIS ISSUE is about a physical change brought on by neglect and poor habits.
Unless you have a job and lifestyle that permits dedicating the increasing amount of time it will take to keep you and your partners standards of appearance in balance w/ what you expect each other to look like than by all means go right ahead and marry and/or start family.An hour of the right exercise a day and a good diet keeps most people in pretty good shape. Different people have different standards. In this case, he's not talking about her turning into Megan Fox.
However, if you don't and ultimately looks are the most important aspect that drives your desire to be with a woman than maybe marriage is not for you...?Who is saying "most important"?
Because you can try and try, and hope that your partner maintains the lifestyle that allows them to look the way they do or makes every effort to continue to eat and exercise to keep up w/ that appearane you so desire, but what if they don't?
What if one day...they just wake up and are burnt out by always doing this or that, or they just decide to stop and never really get back to looking the way you expect them to...what then? Burnt out by maintaining their own physical standard? Again, in this situation we're talking about a girl who was a normal weight before. It's not like she was a supermodel, and he's asking her to maintain extreme standards of physical fitness. But to answer your question, if the woman you are with changes past the point of your personal standards, then it's well within your right to make some tough decisions about your relationship.
What if this occurs while your children are still young, or ?Happens all the time. People have to work to maintain a relationship. Gaining 40lbs is taking someone for granted.
It's his life, but also the life he has shared w/ someone for the past 3 years....what about her?Someone always gets hurt when a relationship doesn't last forever. She'll live. If it'll kill her so badly, then all the easier for her to jog and lay off the butter and cheese.
Oh wait, she's gotten fat so eff her...right? Please.So he has to stay in the relationship even though he's unhappy?
Hypotheticals huh...The OP really didn't explain why she gained weight, and I wouldn't give ANYONE the benefit of the doubt that it's all on the other person.
Is the OP going to come on here and possibly say...
"OS Brothers I'm a real big porn junkie, and my girl hates it...it's made her depressed and now she's gained all this weight and I'm unattracted to her. I don't want to give up the porn because I like watching it, but it's ruining our relationship. Now that I've got a good career, do I dump the girl I've been w/ for three years even though I've thought about marrying her? Oh yea...she's a real good woman too."People are responsible for their own bodies. Someone can't "make you depressed" or "make you eat". That's permissive BS.
Nothing is explained in the first post about her weight gain so it's open for hypotheticals. The OP alluded to normal weight gain, and our answers have been in the context of normal weight gain. Those hypotheticals are tangential. You can keep inventing reasons for her weight gain that change the discussion, but we're talking about standard weight gain here. Most people gain weight from bad eating and lack of exercise. We aren't discussing the exceptions.
And when I say mature that is not an insult. In your 20's your thinking is different, when you get in you 30's and 40's you start thinking different too. That is what I mean by mature.
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