When you realize you're not all that

[SmashMan]

Quote: Originally Posted by longshadow11

However, is it asking too much for a woman to work out and be in decent shape?

This, I can't go along with, sorry man. Feels like you're going to get stuck down a rabbit hole of asking yourself "is it asking too much for...?" questions. All I can really say is don't let perfect be the enemy of good.

For now it sounds like you'd do well continuing what you've been doing with just taking time to focus on yourself. Things will come together after that.

[woodjer]

So I'm just going to be honest with my opinion here. I don't know you at all and maybe I'm way off. If so, I apologize in advance if I offend you but since you seem to be looking for thoughts...

In your OP, you said something about women your age only caring about money but, from the sounds of it, you only care about physical appearance. If you've dated 30-40 women over 3 years, you've given each of them an average of about one month to get to know them, and that's if you go right from one to the next (which is probably part of your issue, if that's the case). Maybe I'm old-fashioned but that doesn't sound realistic to me, especially if you're not taking time to evaluate why it didn't work before moving on to the next. Also, I don't know how big your city/town is but I wouldn't be surprised if, at that rate, you do have some sort of "player" reputation to overcome.

I hope you understand that I'm not trying to judge or lecture you. As I always tell my kids, "you do you." Marriage isn't for everyone and I'm not telling you to settle for something that you're not happy with. You deserve happiness (everyone does) but maybe that doesn't necessarily equate to having the hottest woman on your arm. Or, if it does, you might need to readjust your expectations...maybe serious long-term relationships aren't in the cards for you or maybe it's going to be a while in-between them.

Again, I don't know you and this isn't to say that you're not a nice guy. I just thought I'd point out that you're likely missing out on some great people if you're limiting yourself entirely to great-looking women. And maybe you're not...but I haven't read anything that convinces me otherwise.

[longshadow11]

Quote: Originally Posted by woodjer

So I'm just going to be honest with my opinion here. I don't know you at all and maybe I'm way off. If so, I apologize in advance if I offend you but since you seem to be looking for thoughts... In your OP, you said something about women your age only caring about money but, from the sounds of it, you only care about physical appearance. If you've dated 30-40 women over 3 years, you've given each of them an average of about one month to get to know them, and that's if you go right from one to the next (which is probably part of your issue, if that's the case). Maybe I'm old-fashioned but that doesn't sound realistic to me, especially if you're not taking time to evaluate why it didn't work before moving on to the next. Also, I don't know how big your city/town is but I wouldn't be surprised if, at that rate, you do have some sort of "player" reputation to overcome. I hope you understand that I'm not trying to judge or lecture you. As I always tell my kids, "you do you." Marriage isn't for everyone and I'm not telling you to settle for something that you're not happy with. You deserve happiness (everyone does) but maybe that doesn't necessarily equate to having the hottest woman on your arm. Or, if it does, you might need to readjust your expectations...maybe serious long-term relationships aren't in the cards for you or maybe it's going to be a while in-between them. Again, I don't know you and this isn't to say that you're not a nice guy. I just thought I'd point out that you're likely missing out on some great people if you're limiting yourself entirely to great-looking women. And maybe you're not...but I haven't read anything that convinces me otherwise.

No doubt you are correct. However, and I think I wrote this, a number of the women have not been interested in me.

I absolutely agree I am a little too focused on looks and I'm working on that. That is what brought about this whole thread. I went out with a woman I thought was ok looking but I like her personality - and she ended up not being interested in me. So I came to the realization I am not the catch I thought I was. This whole thing is me being honest and I figured I would get called out on some stuff - and I appreciate it.

[woodjer]

Quote: Originally Posted by longshadow11

No doubt you are correct. However, and I think I wrote this, a number of the women have not been interested in me. I absolutely agree I am a little too focused on looks and I'm working on that. That is what brought about this whole thread. I went out with a woman I thought was ok looking but I like her personality - and she ended up not being interested in me. So I came to the realization I am not the catch I thought I was. This whole thing is me being honest and I figured I would get called out on some stuff - and I appreciate it.

Thanks for being open to it. I was fully prepared for you to get defensive and go on the attack. Really, I appreciate it.

And, you're right, you did mention that they weren't interested in you. Sorry for not acknowledging that. Maybe part of that is, at the ages you're thinking, they kinda know that having kids is out (or don't care about that) so the "fun stuff" isn't worth much more than a night or two so good looks aren't the big factor that they may have been when they were younger, at least in terms of a long-term relationship.

[longshadow11]

Quote: Originally Posted by woodjer

Thanks for being open to it. I was fully prepared for you to get defensive and go on the attack. Really, I appreciate it. And, you're right, you did mention that they weren't interested in you. Sorry for not acknowledging that. Maybe part of that is, at the ages you're thinking, they kinda know that having kids is out (or don't care about that) so the "fun stuff" isn't worth much more than a night or two so good looks aren't the big factor that they may have been when they were younger, at least in terms of a long-term relationship.

I'm trying to be honest with myself and open to how I'm wrong. No doubt, at all, I am a little shallow. But not in all areas. I do want a woman who works out. I work out a lot and watch what I eat, so I want the same in my woman. I know if I get with someone who would rather eat than go to the gym, she will influence me to do the same, and I do not want to get back to being fat.

I realize a person can become incredibly attractive once you get to know them. Online dating has really skewed my vision and I think made many of us, men and women, much more shallow than we are. Swipe right on hotties, left on anyone who isn't photogenic. It's a shame and I know many people who have lost a lot of confidence due to online dating. Myself included. I've shown up to dates and had fairly attractive women tell me straight up they were not into me, and I've had much more attractive women not able to keep their hands off. It's crazy and impossible to figure out. But I do know if I am blessed with a good one who likes me, I want to be a good man and treat her right and not be all messed up from so many bad experiences.

I appreciate everyone's input and I am not afraid to be called out. I expect I have some lingering issues from my last marriage. I took her and her sons in and cared for them - one of her sons is autistic and very hard to live with at times. People with great character all the way down to my shallowest of friends all told me she was insane and to get away from her - even my buddies who thought she was the hottest woman in town. I learned you can lose your desire for even the best looking women when they are flat out mean. I'm a sentimental person and tend to remember the good times with her and when I run into her, man does she look good. And I sure do miss her sons. But my daughters told me they couldn't live with her anymore and I found out some bad things that were going on when I wasn't home.

I love women and I love being married. I think I'm a little worried I'm too broken for anyone to want me. I hope I can get it together - I'm getting old! I figure the best thing I can do is be honest and listen to constructive criticism.

[roadman]

The last thing I try do with anyone is judge a book by it's cover.

I know people who have lived long lives that have abused their bodies with cigarettes and alcohol. So, in some cases, it's what is inside your DNA that is more important.

It's been my experiences that men and women who think they look like God's gift of whatever they are full of, aren't always the sharpest tools in the shed and think highly of themselves.

I'd rather settle with someone that has more inner beauty(good personality, compatible interest) vs outer beauty and not worry how people perceive me on the outside and stay far away from the people above. Anyone that loves their own body over any other qualities that they may have just doesn't cut it for me.

My advice is that it is time to stop comparing 1 & 2 vs all the others you date from here on out. Stay in your own lane and don't worry what others are thinking and comparing this one from that one.

No two people are alike, inside and outside.

Good luck in the future.

[mgoblue]

If all you're getting are the hot/crazy ones then the hot/awesome ones may already be taken or not as into you. Not being mean, but just being honest. Might be one reason past exes didn't work out....put that too high and overlook the other stuff that ends up causing problems.

You probably need a larger city though, smaller town dating is rough from what I hear.

[Phobia]

You seem to value the entirely wrong attributes for a long-term relationship. I say this because most threads I've seen you create has to do with a woman/women & you continually make a point to "point out how hot she is". Looks don't mean much, sure you need to find the person attractive (that doesn't mean solely physical) but it won't matter if your perception of beauty is flawed from the start.

You seem more focused on the superficial side, gaining value in yourself by the woman you have next to you, valuing them on how tight their body is, rather than the character they represent, etc. When it comes to long-term success, there is plenty of things that come into play but #1 is having a deep emotional connection. Human's have a fantastic bull**** detector and we can pick up the most subtle cues that someone isn't invested for the right reasons (looks, money, status, etc). I'd bet a lot of these women who you claim are not interested in you, are moving on because their bull**** detector told them something wasn't right. No woman is unattractive to a man who keeps in shape, eats health, lives an active lifestyle, etc. but they will be turned off by shallow desires. Young or superficial women won't have the same values, so their desires will line up more with what you seem to find importance in. This will lead to a less than meaningful connection (you find more crazy too lol) and easier to distance yourself from (month to month) but it won't have any keeping power for a long-term relationship.

It's critical that your honest in what you want. Do you want a good-looking piece who is good in bed or do you want a long-term relationship to finish out your life with? Neither is right or wrong but if you're not honest with yourself you will continue to chase your own tail.

I'll say this, if you want looks & status keep chugging away, something might stick at some point. If you realize you want something with more substance, then I feel it's only fitting to surround yourself with more substance. Go do charity work at a children hospital, get involved in a good cause like cancer walks, etc. Strengthening your character base will only make you more attractive, plus it has the added benefit of drawing in women who value those qualities. Those same women are more grounded in what really matters with our time on this earth and will have a much more stable view of a relationship.

Spoiler

A young 30 something who cares more about how good her selfies look is fine for a fun evening only

It sounds corny, but my wife is my best friend (Just made 13 years). We cut up, laugh at stupid crap, make fools of ourselves for each others enjoyment, we don't take ourselves to serious, etc but most of all we BOTH know we each value the right things from the relationship. This is our relationship in a nutshell lol
https://www.facebook.com/jesselozano...08796380651970

Like many of the others have said, I obviously know nothing about you other than what is written here. I might be 100 miles wide of left field, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt .