the life & times of DaJaveon Ware

[captainesteban]

What the f**k did this girl get me into?

DJ Ware peeked through the slight crack of the dark closet he was hiding in. He couldn't believe just moments before now, he was about to close the deal with the sexiest girl in Aliquippa. What he didn't know -but should've assumed- that a girl like that, was already spoken for. To make matters worse, DJ stood just a couple feet away from the most notorious crime lord Pennsylvania has ever seen, X.

'What's good baby?' X said, surveying the situation. There were scented candles lit, and soft R. Kelly playing in the background, how ironic.
'Uhh.. Nothin', baby. Just waitin' on you!' Susanne responded, her eyes nervously glancing over to where DJ hid in her closet. X wasn't the brightest tool in the shed, but even he knew something wasn't right. From his 18 year old girlfriend laying in her birthday suit, to the whole scenery. He took a step back and said, 'Who's Jordan's are those?' X inquired, pointing to the Killroy 9s sitting on the window sill. DJ took a deep breath, feeling a certain pang of sadness that his beloved Jordan's are what gave him away. There was a long silence, and a look of realization flashed across X's face. 'AH HELL NO! You up in here f***ing another n***a in my house!?' DJ shook his head as Susanne idiotically looked over towards where he was hiding. X turned his attention to the slightly ajar closet door, and started his way towards it. DJ looked at his watch, and made a mental note of the time, 7:40PM, his playoff game started in 20 minutes. As X pulled the door open, DJ bursted out with a silly smile on his face. DJ stood 6'4 to X's 5'7, so the height difference was alarming.

'My bad bro!' DJ shouted as he headed for the window, grabbed his kicks, and jumped out from the two story house. He dropped on his feet, but rolled to take away much of the impact force. He was on the grass, and when he looked to his left to the driveway, he noticed 3 black BMWs and 7 goons who looked surprised to see him. DJ shot up, and sprinted down the road of the residential neighborhood in his boxers, socks, and Killroy's in his right hand.

***

DaJaveon crashed through the door of the gymnasium, and headed straight for the home locker room. 7:52PM. He had run 3 miles in 12 minutes, his gym teacher would be proud. When he entered the locker room, he looked around to see his coach and teammates getting ready for the game that started in 8 minutes. DJ approached his locker that sat next to his senior center, Larrell Phoenix, and slumped into his chair.

'Maannnn.. i've had me one helluva evening, breh.' He said half out of breath, noticing the looks his squad was giving him because of his lack of clothing. DJ changed into his uniform while continuing, 'LP, you know that broad, Susanne from up hill?' He asked, now fitting himself into his warmups. 'Aww yeah, you mean X girl? That's a fine piece of art right there.' Larrell responded before standing up from his seat, showing off his 6'11 frame. LP had committed earlier that week to attend Michigan State as a 5 star commit. DaJaveon gave him a look, 'Did everyone know she was X's girl but me?' Larrell laughed as he turned his attention to their coach.

'Listen up boys. Last year we got bounced out of the playoffs by this team. This year, we've got hunger that I haven't seen out of any high school squad before. So let's show them how the Quips play ball, huh?' the team cheered. 'Also, in light of recent events, Brandon Ottoman is gonna get the start tonight.' DJ shifted his gaze to the shy but effective, 6'11 sophomore power forward. He gave him a nod of approval, although he would have rathered to play with their starting PF, who was suspended due to gang affiliation. 'Let's get it going, then.' Coach said, before looking to DJ, 'Lead your team out, Ware.'

Hey, if you like this, let me know please. Any and all feedback welcome. Is it too long, is it too short? Too descriptive? Let me know. Want to make this a great, fun series to read. BTW DaJaveon is a senior.
P.S., if you're having trouble pronouncing his name its Duh-JV-On. And i'll be updating everyday depending on your guys' feedback

[BraedenG33]

Quote: Originally Posted by captainesteban

Hey, if you like this, let me know please. Any and all feedback welcome. Is it too long, is it too short? Too descriptive? Let me know. Want to make this a great, fun series to read. BTW DaJaveon is a senior. P.S., if you're having trouble pronouncing his name its Duh-JV-On. And i'll be updating everyday depending on your guys' feedback

Loved the intro, seems like DJ got caught up in a bad situation right there. I love the storyline dynasties, there kind of my trademark on here as I've done a few of them myself. I think that this story is really solid so far, and you're a really good writer. My recommendation for length is to not worry about it. Write until the scene is finished. By that I mean, whatever point in the story you plan to write to in that post, write to that point and then you're done. It could be 300 words it could be 3000 words, whatever length it takes to get whatever event that you are trying to tell in that post told, is the length that you should write. As for how descriptive you should get, it's really up to you. Just stick to your writing style for the story; that's the best way to get good writing. People will read good writing. Whether you go into a 500 word monologue on DJ's jordans, or you breeze through things more matter-of-factly, as long as it fits how you write and it makes sense with the story (granted, it is unlikely that a 500 word monologue on shoes will fit into any story, but you get the point), you'll be fine. Now if I was going to recommend anything, it would be to just write what matters. If something is really important, make sure it gets an appropriate description to its significance. With our shoes example, if the shoes are a major element of the story, then have at it and describe the shoes in explicit detail. If their just his shoes, then a simple "his jordans" will suffice if they aren't significant to the story, so they get described appropriately.

Also, this is your first dynasty right? I would recommend reading other story dynasties to get some ideas. If you want some material to read to get some inspiration on how to write this, anything by trekfan or beast10 is going to be high quality for sure, and I also write, I'm currently working on a Laker Dynasty with a story element, but it's still in its earliest phases of the story (link in my sig down below *Shameless Plug*).

Just to cover my bases, it seems like you've got the real meat and potatoes down, and that's a good story to base your story off of, but there are a lot of presentation elements that you could add to make the dynasty even better. Many (and by that I mean nearly all) of the dynasties on this site use a banner at the top of each post, for example, this is the one I'm using currently for my dyansty *Shameless Plug*



another example would be the one used on trekfan's current dynasty, Saving Seattle: A Supersonics Dynasty (in my opinion anything he writes is a must read, I highly recommend you check his work out)



these will usually signify the start of a story post, and also differentiate your posts from comments by readers. They can be whatever you want, as long as you think it will be a good representation of your story. It's kind of like the cover of a book, I guess, feel free to get as creative as you like with it. If you are familiar with photoshop these aren't particularly difficult to make, but if your not there are tons of other OSers that are and would be willing to help, and I'd even being willing to offer to help make a banner as well.

Another thing that is done in story dynasties is to keep the dynasty on track and tying it back to the sport by posting non-storyline pieces, which can be news articles, updates on rankings, really anything you might see in the sport section of the local newspaper (or its website since physical newspapers aren't nearly as popular anymore) or if you're on a larger scale mainstream sport/team, such as an NBA team, anything that might be seen on ESPN.com or another mainstream media outlet for sports.

So yeah, that's about everything, I think. I really enjoyed the first post, and I'm looking forward for more. If you have any questions feel free to ask, either by posting here, or PMing me. Congrats on starting your first dynasty, and good luck on making as best as it can be