The Butt Fumble Empire - A Philadelphia Eagles Dynasty

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WEEK 1



QB Battle:



RB Battle:


DeSean Jackson's First Game Against Eagles Since Being Released

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Sanchez shines in Eagles debut

In some countries, this beatdown is called rape. The McCoy-less Eagles completely destroyed the Redskins.

Hoping for a great return, RG3 was the biggest victim to this blowout as his offensive line was not blocking for him at all. The Redskins QB was only able to pass for 91 yards in 12 completions. Like the passing game, everyone was shut down on the ground with 57 yards running the ball. Alfred Morris tried asking RG3 to run the ball more, but RG3 insisted that they should make Obama proud in the air.

Seems weird? Let's see:
This Robert Griffin is Robert Griffin III
RG3 wants to throw the ball in the air
Air has three letters
III also has three letters
3x3=9
Washington failed to convert on third down nine times
Nine? There are nine letters in Redskins safety Ryan Clark
Who has the same last name as Ryan Clark? Superman
Superman has eight letters
Kirk Cousins is number eight
Cousins will appear on South Park in fifteen days
Washington only had 15 yards on a punt return
Washington is where Obama lives
Obama is Illuminati
The III in RG3's name is the same amount of I's in Illuminati
Robert Griffin III is Illuminati

Overall, the Eagles were clearly the better team. After Nick Foles had been arrested and traded away, Mark Sanchez was given the starting spot and did not disappoint. Sanchez threw the ball for 441 yards and 5 touchdown passes. Along with the great passing show, Darren Sproles ran for 2 touchdowns in McCoy's absence. However, Sproles did cause the Redskins to score their only touchdown when he fumbled ON THE 1 YARD LINE. Although the Redskins scored a defensive touchdown, the Eagles defense was all over the place. Many D.C. kids are frightened when they saw visions of Connor Barwin and Fletcher Cox assaulting them in their sleep.

Philadelphia Eagles at Washington Redskins
Sep 9, 2014	1ST	2ND	3RD	4TH	SCORE
Philadelphia Eagles (0-0)	14	21	10	7	52
Washington Redskins (0-0)	0	7	0	0	7

Team Stats Comparison
	PHI	WAS
Total Offense	681	126
Rushing Yards	214	57
Passing Yards	467	69
First Downs	34	7
Punt Return Yards	102	15
Kick Return Yards	30	184
Total Yards	813	325
Turnovers	2	1
3rd Down Converstion	17-19	0-9
4th Down Conversion	0-0	0-0
2-Point Conversion	0-0	0-0
Red Zone Touchdowns/Field Goals	8-9	0-0
Penalties	0-0	0-0
Posession Time	42:37	17:23

Scoring Summary
FIRST QUARTER SCORING		PHI	WAS
9:06	(PHI) Z. Ertz 11 Yd pass from M. Sanchez	7	0
3:41	(PHI) D. Sproles, 1 Yd run	14	0
SECOND QUARTER SCORING		PHI	WAS
12:40	(WAS) B. Meriweather, returned fumble 98 Yds	14	7
7:02	(PHI) J. Maclin 3 Yd pass from M. Sanchez	21	7
2:37	(PHI) B. Smith 19 Yd pass from M. Sanchez	28	7
0:26	(PHI) J. Maclin 12 Yd pass from M. Sanchez	35	7
THIRD QUARTER SCORING		PHI	WAS
6:12	(PHI) C. Parkey, 17 Yd FG	38	7
0:00	(PHI) D. Sproles, 15 Yd run	45	7
FOURTH QUARTER SCORING		PHI	WAS
9:59	(PHI) J. Maclin 4 Yd pass from M. Sanchez	52	7

Philadelphia Eagles PASSING C/A YDS TD INT Mark Sanchez 33/53 441 5 0 Matt Barkley 4/5 59 0 0 RUSHING ATT YDS AVG TD Darren Sproles 20 122 6.1 2 Mark Sanchez 8 62 7.7 0 Chris Polk 5 30 6.0 0 RECEIVING REC YDS AVG TD Jeremy Maclin 10 129 12.9 3 Riley Cooper 10 130 13.0 0 Jordan Matthews 7 101 14.4 0 Brad Smith 4 64 16.0 1 Darren Sproles 3 38 12.6 0 Josh Huff 1 28 28.0 0 James Casey 1 -1 -1.0 0 Zach Ertz 1 11 11.0 1 BLOCKING PANCAKE SACK Jason Peters 5 0 Jason Kelce 5 0 Evan Mathis 4 0 Lane Johnson 3 1 Todd Herremans 2 1 DEFENSE TACK SACK INT TD Malcolm Jenkins 6 0.0 0 0 Earl Wolff 6 0.0 0 0 Chris Maragos 4 0.0 0 0 Connor Barwin 3 1.0 0 0 Marcus Smith 3 1.0 0 0 DeMeco Ryans 3 0.0 0 0 Trent Cole 3 0.0 0 0 Fletcher Cox 2 2.0 0 0 Jaylen Watkins 2 0.0 0 0 Najee Goode 2 0.0 0 0 Bradley Flethcer 1 0.0 1 0 KICKING FG XP PTS LONG Cody Parkey 1/1 7/7 10 18 PUNTING NO YDS AVG IN20 Donnie Jones 1 41 41.0 0 KICK RETURN RET YDS AVG TD Brandon Boykin 1 18 18.0 0 Brad Smith 1 12 12.0 0 PUNT RETURN RET YDS AVG TD Darren Sproles 5 85 17.0 0 Josh Huff 2 17 8.5 0

Washington Redskins PASSING C/A YDS TD INT Robert Griffin III 12/22 91 0 1 RUSHING ATT YDS AVG TD Alfred Morris 12 28 2.3 0 Robert Griffin III 4 29 7.2 0 RECEIVING REC YDS AVG TD Alfred Morris 4 16 4.0 0 Pierre Garcon 2 30 15.0 0 Jordan Reed 2 16 8.0 0 Andre Roberts 2 4 2.0 0 Leonard Hankerson 1 7 7.0 0 DeSean Jackson 1 18 18.0 0 BLOCKING PANCAKE SACK Chris Chester 0 1 Tyler Polumbus 0 2 Trent Williams 0 1 DEFENSE TACK SACK INT TD DeAngelo Hall 9 1.0 0 0 Tracy Porter 9 2.0 0 0 Brandon Meriweather 8 0.0 0 0 Ryan Clark 7 0.0 0 0 London Fletcher 7 0.0 0 0 Ryan Kerrigan 6 1.0 0 0 Brian Orakpo 4 0.0 0 0 Nick Barnett 3 0.0 0 0 Phillip Thomas 3 0.0 0 0 David Amerson 3 0.0 0 0 Barry Cofield 2 0.0 0 0 Clifton Geathers 2 0.0 0 0 Duke Ihenacho 2 0.0 0 0 Tanard Jackson 2 0.0 0 0 Stephen Bowen 2 1.0 0 0 KICKING FG XP PTS LONG Kai Forbath 0/0 1/1 1 0 PUNTING NO YDS AVG IN20 Tom Hornsey 8 363 45.3 1 KICK RETURN RET YDS AVG TD Andre Roberts 7 160 22.8 0 DeSean Jackson 1 24 24.0 0 PUNT RETURN RET YDS AVG TD DeSean Jackson 1 15 15.0 0

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WEEK 1

Scores

WEEK 1 RESULTS

Thursday's Games

Ravens 14 - 26 Broncos

Sunday's Games

Patriots 30 - 34 Bills

Titans 19 - 10 Steelers

Falcons 17 - 27 Saints

Buccaneers 21 - 19 Jets

Chiefs 34 - 21 Jaguars

Seahawks 24 - 48 Panthers

Bengals 17 - 42 Bears

Dolphins 10 - 34 Browns

Vikings 38 - 21 Lions

Raiders 27 - 10 Colts

Packers 17 - 30 49ers

Cardinals 7 - 21 Rams

Giants 10 - 17 Cowboys

Monday's Games

Eagles 52 - 7 Redskins

Texans 3 - 41 Chargers

Players of the Week



OFFENSE

Mark Sanchez
33-53, 441 YDS, 5 TD, 8 CAR, 62 YDS

DEFENSE

Thomas Davis
3 TKL, 2 INT, 2 TD



OFFENSE

Fred Jackson
18 CAR, 77 YDS, 4.3 AVG, 3 REC, 81 YDS, 27.0 AVG, 2 TD

DEFENSE

Stephon Gilmore
13 TKL, 1 INT, 1 TD

NFL Rescinds Foles and Rice's Suspensions

Everyone knew suspensions would occur when Ray Rice knocked out his wife and dragged her out of an elevator and Nick Foles violating a zebra's private parts. However, the woman beater and person with a zebra fetish are allowed to play after the league decided to cancel their suspensions. Are you serious? Because of the decisions, numerous fans are furious for allowing such monsters to play in the league without punishment. Both players will be able to make their debut of the season, which will also be Foles's first game with the Raiders, in Week 1.

New NFL Team Confirmed

There were rumors there would be a new team in the NFL during the preseason, but now it is finally official. Where will the new team be? Los Angeles? No. Toronto? No. Then where? The best place possible where there are already three other teams in the state: Orlando. Yes, Orlando. Out of all the places you can have a team....really? Further info will be released as the season progresses.

Drake Hops on Manziel Bandwagon

While the Raptors most likely will struggle this upcoming season, Drake needs to bandwagon on another sports team. Here comes Johnny Football and the Cleveland Browns. Starting over Hoyer for the first game of the season, Manziel silenced the haters with 243 passing yards and 2 touchdown passes against the Miami Dolphins. Everyone in Cleveland (and Drake) was throwing money all over the place as Manziel shows why he was one of the best quarterbacks in college last year. Meanwhile, there are witnesses who saw Drake dancing his way into Manziel's house. No, he did not walk into the house. He DANCED into the house. Only time will tell if Drake will stay on the Browns bandwagon.

Drake tweeted this after the Browns win claiming that Manziel is the best quarterback, but NBA All-Star DeMar DeRozan responds by asking why did Drake supposedly killing ex-Raptor Kyle Lowry:

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EAGLE OF THE WEEK


Darren Sproles
#43
Role: Running Back, Return Specialist Extraordinaire, and Leading Supporter for the Speech Impediment Midgets That Want to Play Football Association
Age: 31
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 190 lbs
College: Kansas State
Bio:

When Sproles was a child, all of the kids mocked him because of his height and muteness. The young Darren Sproles had never spoken a word in front of anybody; however, that all changed when he said his very first words, which was "F*ck you," to a teenager associated with a gang. This anonymous gang hunted Sproles for months until a cop realized how fast Sproles is. Because Sproles was dodging bullets like he was Neo from the Matrix, the cop allowed his good friend, who was a football coach at a local school, to kidnap Sproles in order to bring the school's football team to prominence. Known as "Tank" or the "N*gga who should be in Compton not Kansas," Sproles used his running ability to become one of the greatest high school football players to ever play in Kansas and a track star. With the typical stereotype of black people, he was accepted into Kansas State to play running back with a free supply of fried chicken (NCAA had never found out about this situation even to this day).

As a member of the Kansas State Wildcats, Sproles continued where he left off in high school by beasting and feasting through other team's defenses. In 2003, he had obliterated what was known as the number one ranked Oklahoma Sooners in the Big 12 championship game. The 5'6" running back then moved on from college and into the NFL when he was drafted by the Chargers in the fourth round. Sproles had a peaceful life in San Diego, but it all changed when he saved a crippled man from being eaten by one of the killer whales during the Shamu show in Sea World. Because the management wanted this crippled man killed, the Chargers kicked Sproles off the team and was banned from any affiliation with the city of San Diego. The San Diego citizens attempted to kill Sproles, but Drew Brees in his neckmobile saved Sproles from death. As two of the people banned from San Diego, Brees and Sproles joined forces in New Orleans. Little did they know, the two would even created a Princess and the Frog simulator that is exclusive to New Orleans. The two had the greatest time together until the Saints staff thought it was only right to break their friendship by trading away Sproles to Philadelphia for nothing.

Now returning to San Diego again, the Eagles without LeSean McCoy will have to somehow sneak Sproles into the city in order to play the Chargers in Week 2 of this NFL season.

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Sproles Diego

Week 2. San Marcos, California. 9:37 PM.

Kelly: Attention, everyone. I have some grave news to tell you all.

Matthews: What is it?

Sanchez: Don't tell me the hot dogs have been stolen.

Kelly: No, Mark, the hot dogs have not been stolen.

Sanchez: Phew, well nobody cares what you have to say now.

Kelly: No, this is important. VERY important that it changes the whole chise dynasty thread franchise thingy FOREVER.

Matthews: Just say it already.

Kelly: Just wait a minute. It will happen any second now.

5 hours later...

Sanchez: You know I heard that Dwyane Wade is having an affair with Gabrielle Union. Pretty tough stuff huh?

Matthews: Okay, that's it. [Noggin], you better [Fahrenheit] tell your goddamn stupid [Armpit] story or you can say goodbye to your [Dunbar]. Wait, what the [Foil] was that? OH THERE IT GOES AGAIN!!!!! COACH!!!!! WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!!

Kelly: *clears throat* Well, Rook and everyone.

Matthews: Why do am I the only one-

Kelly: SILENCE!!!!! I'M FAT! YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID!!!! Anyway... *turns on flashlight*

Sproles: Is that really necessary?

Kelly: Yes, Darren, it is necessary. So I don't know if any of you heard, but we have been attacked by the....

Sanchez: *puts mustard on hot dog* The?

Cooper: The?

Barwin: I'm a redneck.

Kelly: Illuminati. Oooooooooo........

Sanchez: *adds relish on hot dog* Huh, Illuminati?

Barwin: Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle if I knew that Jippity Jappity Zee would come attacking us.

Matthews: What do you mean we've been attacked by the Illuminati?

Kelly: The Illuminati was stalking us not too long ago and because they did not like our "dialogue", we've received a warning or else something bad would happen.

Sanchez: What kind of [Bill Simmons] is that?

Kelly: So instead of giving in by using the programs to fully censor our words, we will fight by using our own stupid censors because the tone of this dynasty is stupidity. *throws fist in air* Cuss as much as you like because we will fight for our rights.

Ertz: YEAH!!!!! [Facemask] THOSE [Axels]!!!! *throws up two middle fingers*

Sanchez: *sets up table* Are you guys ready to eat dinner? I made some hot dogs.

Sproles: It's [Furrizzles] nine o'clock. I don't think this can even count as dinner anymore.

Sanchez: Well, in Mexico-

Cooper: Nobody cares about those [Shark Tales] boarder hoppers. We're white.

-All of the black players on the team look at Riley Cooper-

Cooper: A-and black too! Yeah I wouldn't forget about my [Narwhals].

Ryans: The [Fungus] you say, [Nicotine]?

Cooper: I said [Narwhals].

Ryans: Oh you better [Fuji] your mouth or I'll shove this here hot dog up your [Anonymous].

Sanchez: DeMeco, come here.

Ryans: Okay I'll-

Sanchez: RIGHT NOW.

Ryans: *walks to Sanchez* What do you need?

Sanchez: Bend over.

Ryans: [Nokia], I ain't no Michael Sam.

Sanchez: DO IT NOW!!!!! NOW!!!!!

Ryans: *bends down* What are you going to do to me?

Sanchez: *takes out a hot dog shaped whooping stick* You ain't ready for primetime. *starts whooping Ryans*

Ryans: OW!!! I'M SORRY THAT YOU HAD TO BUTTFUMBLE!!! OW!!!! OW!!!!

Kelly: Hey, Mark.

Sanchez: Coach, can't you see I'm busy giving this pitiful person a punishment for the sins he have committed?

Kelly: I need to talk about to you about something important.

Sanchez: Talking to me about something important? *slams whopping stick on Ryans*

Ryans: HOLY [Shipwreck]!!!!!!

Sanchez: Just say it. I'm all ears.

Kelly: Do you know of any way of getting Darren Sproles into San Diego without getting anyone killed?

Sanchez: What's wrong with Sproles and San Diego?

Kelly: Well....he told me that San Diego has banned him from the city permanently and cannot enter the city without getting brutally murdered by the citizens.

Sanchez: Banned from a city? What the [Forza] did he do?

Kelly: He saved a crippled man from being eaten by Shamu.

Sanchez: What? *slams whooping stick on Ryans*

Ryans: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Sanchez: How is that something to get banned for?

Kelly: I don't know I'm not Jesus. But we still need to get Sproles into the city because we're definitely not starting HIM at running back.

Sanchez: Who?

Kelly: *points at Chris Polk* HIIIIIIIMMMMM.

Sanchez: Man, I wish McCoy was here right now. I wonder how he's recovering from his groin injury.

Meanwhile...

Cleveland

McCoy: I think this is where they sell cups. *looks at paper*

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED
TO THE SUPER DUPER PARTY HOSTED BY JOHNNY MANZIEL!!!!!
IN CLEVELAND!!!!! SCREW HOYER!!!!!!!
WILL HAPPEN TODAY AS YOU RECEIVE THIS INVITATION!!!!!

McCoy: Well, hopefully this is the place because I don't know what does this say. *rings doorbell*

-Johnny Manziel with a lampshade on his head opens the door while riding a pig-

Manziel: Oh LeSean McCoy! Gla-

Josh Gordon: HEY JOHNNY!!!! I NEED MORE OF THAT WEED YOU GOT FROM EARL SMITH THE THIRD!!!!!

Manziel: HOLD ON JOSH!!!!! Anyways, glad to see you come. Come inside.

McCoy: *comes inside* Johnny, you sell cups in this place?

Manziel: Cups? Oooohhhhh.....I got it. There's many cups in this party!!! Go look around. Maybe you'll find one perfect for you. *drinks bottle of whiskey*

McCoy: Um...thanks... *starts looking around*

The Next Day. 4:42 PM

Outskirts of San Diego

-The Eagles are driving into the city in a bus-

Officer: STOP THE BUS!

-Bus stops-

Officer: Can someone come out?

Kelly: Psst.... *nudges Sanchez* Do it like how we planned.

Sanchez: *carries guitarrón* Yeah, I know. *gets off bus* Hello.

Officer: So what are you coming to San Diego for?

Sanchez: Um...we have a game to go to.

Officer: Huh.....what kind of game?

Sanchez: Football.

Officer: Oh we don't have a soccer team.

Sanchez: No, I mean American football. Not soccer.

Officer: Oh, I didn't know Mexicans played football.

Sanchez: Dude, Tony Romo is Mexican.

Officer: He's Mexican?

Sanchez: Yes, Romo is Mexican.

Officer: Wow, I thought he was white....like the rest of us.

Sanchez: What did you say?

Officer: Nothing. So do you have any particular person that's not allowed here like I don't know a *cough* *cough Darren Sproles *cough* *cough* or illegal immigrant?

Sanchez: Nope, nothing like that.

Officer: Mind if I check the bus?

Sanchez: You can't check the bus.

Officer: Why is that?

Sanchez: Because the Rook is on his period. You know how messy a bus can be when someone is on their period.

Matthews: WAIT WHAT?!!!! WHAT THE [Fenrir] ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!!!!

Ertz: *pours ketchup on Matthews's shorts* It's for the team, Rook.

Matthews: OH COME ON THESE ARE NEW SHORTS!!!!!

Officer: It does seem like he's on his period, but I still need to check the bus for any suspicious things.

Sanchez: Why?

Officer: Because it's my job.

Sanchez: Why?

Officer: Because I was hired to do this.

Sanchez: Why?

Officer: *goes inside and starts looking around* Hmmm.... *sees a giant bag* What's in this bag? *starts unzipping*

Barwin: NOTHING!!!! *tackles the police officer*

Officer: Get off me!!!

Barwin: I'm fixin'to go Super Saiyan on you if you don't shut your yapper.

Kelly: CONNOR THAT'S NOT PART OF THE PLAN WHERE WE WOULD SNEAK IN SPROLES!!!!!!

Casey: *facepalms* Why did you say that?

Officer: SO YOU ARE IN HERE!!!!!! *takes out phone and activates app* DARREN SPROLES IS IN THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES BUS! I REPEAT DARREN SPROLES IS IN THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES BUS!

-People start coming out of their houses with weapons-

Crowd: KILL SPROLES! KILL SPROLES! KILL SPROLES!

Sanchez: I don't know what's happening so I guess I'll start playing. *starts playing a song on the guitarrón*

-Mexicans start coming out-

Mexican boy: Papa, we need to help tío Sánchez!!!

Mexican father: Everyone, help el Manoseo de Collidas!!!

Mexicans: YEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Random person in the crowd: HOLY [San Diego] IT'S THE MEXICANS!!!!! THEY'RE HERE TO TAKE OUR JOBS AND DAUGHTERS!!!!! GET THEM AND SPROLES!!!!!

-The Mexicans start fighting off the San Diego citizens-

Kelly: FLOOR IT!!!!!

Barkley: Why am I the driver?

Kelly: BECAUSE BACKUP QUARTERBACKS SUCK!!!! Unless your name is Kyle Orton.

-Bus starts driving to the Qualcomm Stadium-

Sanchez: [Salsa] YOU FORGOT ME!!!!! Ugh.... *dials number* I need the taco truck here right now. Gracias.

-The taco truck arrives-

Mexican: Let's go, amigo.

Back at the bus

Officer: WHEN WILL YOU GET OFF OF ME?!!!!

Barwin: Not a lick of me is getting off.

Kelly: Throw him off the bus or else I'll take away your rifle.

Barwin: NOT BESSY!!!! *throws the officer out of the window*

Matthews: Hey, Coach?

Kelly: What is it, you stupid Rookie? Can't you see we're trying to lose these stupid people before they kill our only good running back?

Polk: What about me?

Kelly: [Fanny Pack] YOU AND YOUR MOM!!!!!

Matthews: We have a big problem.

Kelly: Go on...

Matthews: How should I say this....maybe it's better if you see it for yourself. Go to the back and you'll see.

Kelly: *walks to the back of the bus* What kind of [Sun] do you even want to sho- WHAT THE [Fiddle] IS THAT?!!!!

-A killer whale is chasing the bus-

Ertz: Yes, Shamu is chasing us.

Kelly: This doesn't even make sense. How is a [Funny] whale chasing us ON LAND?!!!!

Sproles: Guys? Can I come out of this bag now? It's kinda hard to breathe in here.

Casey: *pushes Sproles back into the bag* GET BACK IN THERE!!!! YOU'RE NOT SAFE WHEN SHAMU IS CHASING YOU!!!!!

Sproles: Shamu?

Casey: YES [Melancholy]ING SHAMU IS CHASING US!!!!! *sees the Killer Whale coming closer* EVERYONE GET AWAY FROM THE BACK!!!!!!!

Kelly: What did you say?

-The killer whale eats Chip Kelly along with part of the bus-

Kelly: GUYS HELP ME!!!!!! IT'S EATING ME!!!!!!

Matthews: Don't worry you'll get out of there in no time. I mean Jonah had to be inside of a whale for a while.

Everyone: SHUT UP ROOKIE!!!!!!

Barkley: HOLD ON TIGHT BECAUSE YOLO!!!!!!!

-The bus runs through the entrance and into the field-

Rivers: What the.....Shamu......bus.....just came through that wall....

Sproles: *comes out of the bus* Hi guys.

Rivers: IT'S DARREN SPROLES!!!!! KILL HIM!!!!!!

Sanchez: NOT ON MY WATCH!!!!

Rivers: What can a butt fumbling loser like you can do to stop us?

Sanchez: Right here.

-A huge crowd of Mexicans comes behind Mark Sanchez-

Keenan Allen: That's a lot of Mexicans.

Rivers: NO [Salt] SHERLOCK!!!!

Sanchez: We're playing this football game WITH Darren Sproles no matter what.

Rivers: [Finland] NO!!!! He must die!!!!

Sanchez: If you guys don't cooperate, then my people will take your jobs.

Random Mexican: WE'RE PEOPLE TOO YOU KNOW!!!!!

Rivers: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Mike McCoy: Let's play the game first. Then we'll kill him.

Rivers: You're dead, Sproles. DEAD.

Ertz: Man, you owe us. I've never thought we would have to risk our lives just to get you into one city.

Sproles: It's a hard life.

[DoubleRussia]

Did he really get flagged for 'language'?

Sigh.

[yoshistabber]

Sanchez, Sproles, and Maclin Crushes Chargers

The Qualcomm Stadium was packed full of bloodthirsty Darren Sproles hunters and Mexicans in this Sunday Football game between the San Diego Chargers and the Philadelphia Eagles. The Eagles somehow managed to bring Sproles into San Diego without getting harmed, but extreme damages to the team bus and a missing Chip Kelly were the consequences. Despite the events prior to the game, the Eagles still managed to blow out the Chargers in what should have been a close game.

Darren Sproles had a target on his head by all of San Diego, but with the help of local Mexicans, Sproles survived another day. Dodging bullets and sharp objects, Sproles ran for 170 yards and 3 touchdowns against the Chargers defense without any problems. Besides Sproles, Mark Sanchez and Jeremy Maclin got a strong connection today with the cause for three of the team's touchdowns. Sanchez passed for 329 yards and 4 touchdown passes, and Maclin had 106 receiving yards. On the defensive side, the Eagles were able to give their offense more opportunities with 2 interceptions. Also, the Eagles did not punt the ball once this game.

In a nightmare, The Chargers failed both of their objectives today: Darren Sproles is still alive and they lost the game. Running back Danny Woodhead and tight end Antonio Gates both went down with injuries, and the Chargers offense was weakened extremely. The defense could not stop Sproles, Sanchez, and Maclin at all which caused the Chargers to get blown out.

San Diego Chargers at Philadelphia Eagles
Sep 14, 2014	1ST	2ND	3RD	4TH	SCORE
San Diego Chargers (1-0)	3	7	6	10	26
Philadelphia Eagles (1-0)	14	13	14	14	55

Team Stats Comparison
	SDG	PHI
Total Offense	335	551
Rushing Yards	94	206
Passing Yards	291	345
First Downs	21	25
Punt Return Yards	0	34
Kick Return Yards	167	138
Total Yards	552	723
Turnovers	2	0
3rd Down Converstion	6-12	10-12
4th Down Conversion	0-0	0-0
2-Point Conversion	0-1	0-0
Red Zone Touchdowns/Field Goals	3/2	4/1
Penalties	0-0	0-0
Posession Time	31:35	28:25

Scoring Summary
FIRST QUARTER SCORING		SDG	PHI
10:12	(PHI) D. Sproles, 3 Yd run	0	7
7:16	(PHI) J. Maclin 40 Yd pass from M. Sanchez	0	14
3:10	(SDG) N. Novak, 22 Yd FG	3	14
SECOND QUARTER SCORING		SDG	PHI
13:01	(PHI) C. Parkey, 28 Yd FG	3	17
7:40	(SDG) A. Gates 1 Yd pass from P. Rivers	10	17
3:56	(PHI) J. Maclin 1 Yd pass from M. Sanchez	10	24
0:33	(PHI) C. Parkey, 44 Yd FG	10	27
THIRD QUARTER SCORING		SDG	PHI
10:59	(PHI) D. Sproles, 23 Yd run	10	34
5:33	(SDG) A. Gates 3 Yd pass from P. Rivers	16	34
1:24	(PHI) J. Maclin 23 Yd pass from M. Sanchez	16	41
FOURTH QUARTER SCORING		SDG	PHI
10:31	(SDG) J. Phillips from P. Rivers	23	41
6:30	(PHI) B. Smith 8 Yd pass from M. Sanchez	23	48
2:15	(SDG) N. Novak, 34 Yd FG	26	48
0:46	(PHI) D. Sproles, 1 Yd run	26	55

San Diego Chargers PASSING C/A YDS TD INT Philip Rivers 29/43 291 3 2 RUSHING ATT YDS AVG TD Ryan Matthews 13 33 2.5 0 Danny Woodhead 10 58 5.8 0 Donald Brown 1 3 3.0 0 RECEIVING REC YDS AVG TD Antonio Gates 7 73 10.4 2 Eddie Royal 5 48 9.6 0 Ryan Matthews 5 27 5.4 0 Seyi Ajirotutu 3 43 14.3 0 Malcom Floyd 3 37 12.3 0 Ladarius Green 2 26 13.0 0 Kennan Allen 2 23 11.5 0 John Phillips 1 4 4.0 1 Donald Brown 1 10 10.0 0 BLOCKING PANCAKE SACK Antonio Gates 1 0 Nick Hardwick 1 0 Chad Rinehart 1 0 DEFENSE TACK SACK INT TD Eric Weddle 8 0.0 0 0 Ahmad Dixon 7 0.0 0 0 Donald Butler 7 0.0 0 0 Jahleel Addae 4 1.0 0 0 Brandon Ghee 4 0.0 0 0 Kendall Reyes 4 1.0 0 0 Lawrence Guy 3 0.0 0 0 Brandon Flowers 3 0.0 0 0 Jason Verrett 2 0.0 0 0 Jeremiah Attaochu 2 0.0 0 0 Dwight Freeney 1 1.0 0 0 KICKING FG XP PTS LONG Nick Novak 2/2 2/2 8 34 PUNTING NO YDS AVG IN20 Mike Scifres 2 89 44.5 0 KICK RETURN RET YDS AVG TD Eddie Royal 4 101 25.2 0 Chris Davis 3 66 22.0 0 PUNT RETURN RET YDS AVG TD No Punt Returns

Philadelphia Eagles PASSING C/A YDS TD INT Mark Sanchez 23/33 329 4 0 Matt Barkley 1/1 17 0 0 RUSHING ATT YDS AVG TD Darren Sproles 26 170 6.5 3 Mark Sanchez 5 37 7.4 0 Chris Polk 1 -1 -1.0 RECEIVING REC YDS AVG TD Jeremy Maclin 6 106 17.6 3 Riley Cooper 5 60 12.0 0 Brad Smith 5 75 15.0 1 Darren Sproles 2 42 21.0 0 Jordan Matthews 2 22 11.0 0 Arrelious Benn 1 25 25.0 0 Brent Celek 1 16 16.0 0 BLOCKING PANCAKE SACK Jason Sproles 9 0 Evan Mathis 2 0 Todd Herremans 2 1 Brent Celek 2 0 Darren Sproles 0 2 DEFENSE TACK SACK INT TD Malcolm Jenkins 9 0.0 0 0 DeMeco Ryans 8 0.0 0 0 Earl Wolff 8 0.0 1 0 Connor Barwin 7 0.0 0 0 Mychal Kendricks 4 0.0 0 0 Bradley Fletcher 4 0.0 1 0 Trent Cole 3 0.0 0 0 Cary Williams 3 0.0 0 0 Jaylen Watkins 3 0.0 0 0 Chris Maragos 2 0.0 0 0 Fletcher Cox 2 0.0 0 0 Marcus Smith 1 0.0 0 0 Cedric Thornton 1 0.0 0 0 KICKING FG XP PTS LONG Cody Parkey 2/2 7/7 13 45 PUNTING NO YDS AVG IN20 No Punts KICK RETURN RET YDS AVG TD Brad Smith 3 66 22.0 0 Darren Sproles 2 67 33.5 0 Jordan Matthews 1 5 5.0 0 PUNT RETURN RET YDS AVG TD Darren Sproles 2 34 17.0 0

[yoshistabber]

WEEK 2

Scores

WEEK 2 RESULTS

Thursday's Games

Jets 24 - 10 Patriots

Sunday's Games

Rams 32 - 18 Falcons

Chargers 26 - 55 Eagles

Cowboys 32 - 11 Chiefs

Dolphins 16 - 20 Colts

Titans 19 - 9 Texans

Redskins 27 - 33 Packers

Browns 33 - 28 Ravens

Panthers 30 - 13 Bills

Vikings 20 - 37 Bears

Saints 20 - 10 Buccaneers

Lions 23 - 16 Cardinals

Jaguars 19 - 16 Raiders

Broncos 44 - 23 Giants

49ers 23 - 20 Seahawks

Monday's Games

Steelers 34 - 3 Bengals

Players of the Week



OFFENSE

Mark Sanchez
21-33, 329 YDS, 4 TD, 5 CAR, 37 YDS

DEFENSE

Lavonte David
9 TKL, 1 INT, 1 TD



OFFENSE

Geno Smith
15-24, 224 YDS, 2 TD, 5 CAR, 11 YDS

DEFENSE

Paul Posluszny
13 TKL, 1 INT, 1 FF, 1 FR

Jameis Winston Will Not Declare for Draft

First, Marcus Mariota has never heard of the NFL and just went to play football at Oregon because of the Great Coconut Migration. Now we have heard that Florida State quarterback
Jameis Winston will not declare for the draft this season.

Last night after Florida State's win over the Citadel, Winston confirmed that he will be staying during the post-game interview:

"Jameis, you must be aware that your only competition at QB for the NFL Draft has not even heard of the NFL before. Will you take advantage of this opportunity and declare for the draft after this season is over?"

"Man, whatchu talkin' bout? I ain't goin' to no goddamn NFL."

"And what is the reason why you're staying at Florida State instead of going to the next level?"

"There's a new degree that people can get over at Flawda State. It's called Prostitution fo' Cuuuuuraaaab Lawvahs. Mah goal is to get my degree befo' I make any fuchah decisions."

"Sooooo....Prostitution for Crab Lovers?"

"Yessir."

"No NFL this year?"

"Hell nah. What's mo' important to you? Becomin' a prostitute fo' cwabs or goin' to the NFL? Aight next question."

Now that Winston and Mariota are off the market for the next draft, is this draft even worth tanking for?

Bears Welcome Bridgewater to NFL

Johnny Manziel had a fantastic debut last week against the Dolphins, Blake Bortles throws for 301 yards in a loss against the Chiefs, but what about Teddy Bridgewater? In Week 1, Vikings started Matt Cassel over Bridgewater and defeated the Detroit Lions 38-21. For this week, Teddy Bridgewater was given the green light to start instead of staying with the hot hand of Matt Cassel. In his NFL debut, the Bears defense had a fun time abusing Bridgewater. The Louisville product only completed 10 passes in 28 attempts with no touchdowns or interceptions. At the end of the game, the Bears came on top over the Vikings with a score of 37-20. Nobody knows for sure whether or not the Vikings will go back to Cassel or keep Bridgewater at quarterback.

Bills Release Fred Jackson

When one of your players is Player of the Week, the most logical thing to do is not waive him....unless you're the Buffalo Bills. Coming to the game, Fred Jackson was just enjoying life until Doug Whaley walked up to him and knocked him out. Whaley then dragged the unconscious Fred Jackson into a truck and shipped him to the docks. There are rumors that the people who started the spread of Ebola have bought Jackson as a slave. Now that last week's Player of the Week is gone, the Bills have been playing Taylor Swift music every day.