Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

[wwharton]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

I know this isn't an advice thread and thank everybody for sharing, but I did want to reply to these two posts...

I can't ever relax. I can't seem to be just content, similar to what you said Baumy.

I have serious anxiety issues, but never been diagnosed, My mind is my worst enemy. It started with losing my dad to a stroke at 18, and my brother to a car crash. My sense of security, My whole invincibility thing shattered.

I got angry, and missed out on some of the better moments of my life, because I was so angry all the time. That anger turned into depression, and then back into anger, so much that it could happen in a blink of an eye, something that some one would say to me, that I would have laughed at before, turned into something that would set me off like that. I used to have the greatest tolerance in the world. So that was such a change.

Then that anger and depression and stress about paying off Dad's hospital bills and nursing home bills. Turned into anxiety. It's my sense of security it's just gone, and then I started worrying about stupid stuff.

I wondered what would happen next. Would one of my close friends get killed in a car crash, which one of my older relatives was gonna die next. Stupid stuff, but it just took it's toll on my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about the negative.

My life was perfect, I was content, I was working, going to school, playing ball, met a great girl and then the stroke happened, and it just shattered me, every good thing I believed in, it all ended. I took it so hard.

And truthfully I have never been the same. I have so many doubts now. And I'm pretty down about life now, it changed my perception real quick.

I should add that my dad did not die from the stroke. He landed in a nursing home, but it destroyed his memory and blinded him. It was just so hard to see a man that was so sharp and so intelligent turn into that.

I know I'm lucky he's still alive, but it's just not the same, the man I used to talk baseball with, and sports, and everything else, just isn't there mentally now. He's a different person, and I can't get over it.

I've slowly come back, I'm more positive now, and I think I have alot of the old me back, but my mind still wanders, and I can't stop thinking about the past, and the things I could have done. And I still get randomly angry when I think of how everything ended it up.

Life is cruel as hell.

Just want to tell you that the future will never be the same as the past, no matter how great or bad either is. With such big events hitting you hard you probably gloss over all the life lessons you've learned and how much better prepared you probably are to move forward and raise/take care of your family. I doubt those feelings you have will ever completely go away or that you ever get BACK to the person you want to be. But just try to focus on how the trying times helped you become who you are now and the good about that.

Don't know how many times I've seen this thread and wanted to post my secret, but I was too ashamed and embarrassed to post it. But I'm hoping by posting this, I can get help from others.

I did a lot of dumb things when I was younger, but I did one thing that has affected my future so much, I don't know where to go anymore. After high school, I didn't go to college. After a few years working, I was finally persuaded by my family to go to a technical school to pursue something better. I didn't want to go and I didn't know how ready I was to do something like this, but peer pressure got to me and I went.

The first month it went fine, but then I developed some sort of anxiety/panic attacks. And I was afraid to go to class. I'm not sure why, but I couldn't make any friends, and I felt like in the back of my head that I didn't fit in with the rest of the kids at the school. I just felt like the black sheep of the entire school, and it got to the point that when I did go to class, I was really nervous and felt my heart racing a million beats a second. After dealing with that for a few weeks, I decided to skip a class.. Then another.. then another. Next thing I know, I'm basically not going to school, missing weeks after weeks of class.

The school, being as small as it was, never decided to call me about the path I was heading towards, and it certainly didn't kick me out. So I accrued the tuition for an associates degree, without ever getting the degree.

Being ignorant, stupid, dumb, whatever you want to call it.. I never bothered dropping out from the school either. so after 2 years, they finally "kicked me out" Soon after I was scheduled to pay my financial aid, and this is where the trouble began. I tried to pay it every month, but the bills started piling up and it lead me to a choice I had to make of either paying the electricity or my loans. I chose the former. I would still file a forbearance to try and stop the calls coming..

Once I would be able to save enough to pay my current balance, I would. But then the next month's statement would come in and it would be double what I would have normally paid. So once again, I couldn't pay it, forbearance, and repeat the cycle. This got to me, and finally, after stupid decision after stupid decision, I said forget it. My credit is already ruined, I'm going to stop paying.

Fast forward 5 years later, and I haven't paid my student loans. I'm afraid to answer my calls for the fear of a debt collector asking me for money. 2 months ago they started to garnish my paycheck.

It wouldn't be a big deal if I was just talking about myself, but 15 months ago I recently had a beautiful baby girl. And this girl has thought me to grow up, and has matured me into becoming or trying to become more responsible. Unfortunately, I can't fix my past mistakes. And now I'm stuck where I am now and I don't know what to do.

I'm working a good job, that pays well, but with the wage garnishments and my $2000 a month daycare fees, I'm struggling every month on saving money. I want to save up to buy a house for my family, but it's so hard. I really don't know what to do.

Does anyone have any advice? Financial counselor? Bankruptcy (which I heard was impossible)? Anything?

It's sad to think that everyday I wake up and wonder what my life would be if I could take the day back and never signed up for college/financial aid. PM me if you like. I just don't what to do anymore.

This is a vicious cycle man, trust me I know all about the student loans game. There are probably people more equipped to give advice than me (and any of you can correct me if this is wrong) but I'd say just pay SOMETHING. Even if you can't pay all that they're asking, consistently paying something on your loans will help your credit and continue to put a dent in the overall balance. You may even be able to talk them into only requiring a lesser amount (would take longer to pay off, of course, but that's clearly not a worry right now).

You've dug yourself into a deep hole... but it is a hole, not a bottomless pit. You CAN climb out, even if you can't see the top right now.

[shugknight]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

This is a vicious cycle man, trust me I know all about the student loans game. There are probably people more equipped to give advice than me (and any of you can correct me if this is wrong) but I'd say just pay SOMETHING. Even if you can't pay all that they're asking, consistently paying something on your loans will help your credit and continue to put a dent in the overall balance. You may even be able to talk them into only requiring a lesser amount (would take longer to pay off, of course, but that's clearly not a worry right now).

You've dug yourself into a deep hole... but it is a hole, not a bottomless pit. You CAN climb out, even if you can't see the top right now.

Thanks for the words of encouragement man. I do want to start paying, but I don't know where to start. Should I call the collectors and work out a deal with them or should I contact a financial adviser to have them sort the mess out and possibly help reduce the monthly payments?

Sometimes I just have to scream out F.M.L.

[slickdtc]

That's a lesson my dad preaches to me, pay something. Sounds like you've done that, willingly or not. I've forbeared on my loan too. It's not much but I hope in the meantime I can get to a better place financially. Your story is a cautionary tale. The longer you drawl it out, the worse it becomes. Then you add in the fear of embarrassment and humiliation when facing the situation. Putting stuff off always ends up screwing you, done it plenty of times and still learn from time to time so I'm not preaching at you when I've been there and am still a bit there.

Just map out a financial plan and see what you can afford. It's stress relieving when you break it down step by step and not look at it as one gigantic never ending mess. One step, one day at a time.

[buickbeast]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

Does anyone have any advice? Financial counselor? Bankruptcy (which I heard was impossible)? Anything?

It's sad to think that everyday I wake up and wonder what my life would be if I could take the day back and never signed up for college/financial aid. PM me if you like. I just don't what to do anymore.

I googled "debit is erased after" and came up with this:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080806071017AAwA1Kz

If I was you, I would see the finical consular at your school, or set up an appt with your school's best Economic professor

[buickbeast]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

The only time a firearm has ever jammed on me was when I tried to off myself while stationed in Iraq.

My roommate of nearly 3 years is also an ex, we dated for a about a year. I still don't know how we're great at being each others' rommmates, but we argue a LOT less haha. Well, about 18 months ago we were partying. We broke up a few weeks ago, but we're still FWB a few times a week. Both of us are pretty wasted, one thing leads to another and you know.
She "comes around" when we're in the middle of it and freaks out like only a girl can freak out. Throwin' crap, sayin' this and that then storms out, driving drunk somewhere. I was a full time student at the time with a PT job, my grades weren't great and earlier that week, I was tryin to light a fire under my dad's ###. He suffers from schizophrenia, I'm an only child and my next closest living relative is a 3rd cousin. Well, I gave him a choice to either seek help or this father/son relationship is not goin survive. He's been homeless in the same town I live in for over a year now. Dropping your schizophrenic father off at the homeless shelter sucks.

Well at that point in my life, I had had enough. I downed a half bottle of NyQuil, 3 or 4 shots of whiskey, grabbed the bottle of Advil and found my Desert Eagle. I was takin' a couple Advil pills every few minutes so I wouldn't throw them all up. I was goin drive the few miles to the local Police Station, call 911 and tell them what type of car to look for.

I couldn't find my keys. There was no way in hell that I was goin take the chance of her coming back and seeing me after I pulled the trigger. Our apt was at the end of a long winding road w/ nothing else on it. I was also good friends with our neighbors.

I didn't want the people that I cared about, not to be able to drive down their road. I'm sure it would have always been in the back of their minds. I've never done anything harder than weed, so the NyQuil and booze were hitting me hard. I vaguely remember seeing flashes of weird ****

I threw up what I could, laid a towel down and curled up in the fetal position on my bathroom floor.

[DamnYanks2]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

Thanks wwharton, I think it's so stupid to obsess about the past, but I can't help it. It was a time that was just so easy going and comfortable, and now it's just not fun.

Life is just not as fun and not as spectacular, when people that you loved are not a part of it anymore, it loses that luster. My dad was like a best friend to me. My brother was an Iraq vet. He survived bomb blasts and bullets whizzing past him daily, only to die in a car accident when he came back to the states. How is that even possible? You would think after everything he survived, that he was still here for a reason. That really shook me. I mean, he watched a buddy get blown up next to him, and he wasn't hit, and then for that to happen. It's just bull****.

But your right, It definitely opened my eyes, and matured me quickly. I've definitely learned alot from it and life in general.

[cjonesfan921]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

DY, my father had a stroke in Dec of 2007..I was 19 at the time. Pretty much the same situation, he is disabled ever since.

I learned a lot, but it wasn't without tough times. Life was a struggle between trying to balance so many dif things. I had a ridiculous amount of CC debt..about 5-6K that wasn't moving because I needed the money.

However, the only reason I really needed it, is because I developed a drinking habit. I worked about 50 hrs a week and went to school full time..but still found time to drink weekends away.

I look back and cringe. There is nothing wrong with drinking, but I feel disappointed that I used it as an escape.

I've made peace with it, and just try to live every day by embracing the fact that my father is still here with me. I lost two uncles in the past year...which again taught me to embrace the people you love while they're here, regardless of the state they are in.

I owe the man I've become today to the experiences I went through.

[DamnYanks2]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

DY, my father had a stroke in Dec of 2007..I was 19 at the time. Pretty much the same situation, he is disabled ever since.

I learned a lot, but it wasn't without tough times. Life was a struggle between trying to balance so many dif things. I had a ridiculous amount of CC debt..about 5-6K that wasn't moving because I needed the money.

However, the only reason I really needed it, is because I developed a drinking habit. I worked about 50 hrs a week and went to school full time..but still found time to drink weekends away.

I look back and cringe. There is nothing wrong with drinking, but I feel disappointed that I used it as an escape.

I've made peace with it, and just try to live every day by embracing the fact that my father is still here with me. I lost two uncles in the past year...which again taught me to embrace the people you love while they're here, regardless of the state they are in.

I owe the man I've become today to the experiences I went through.

Man, it blew me away, how much nursing home costs were, After the 84 days or whatever they give you, I was getting slapped with five to six thousand monthly bills. Then the hospital bills came in, 900 for a brain scan, I just buckled, I handled it real well at first. I told myself I'd make him proud and handle all the bills and what not.

But, I'm 18 I barely knew how to write a check. Let alone, get power of attorney and all that. I was so lost, the worst part though was my pride, I ingrained it in my head that I didn't need any help, and that I would handle everything. Everybody told me I did a good job, but I don't feel I did.

I didn't even know you could pay hospital bills monthly, so I paid the whole amount lol. I was so over my head, now don't get it wrong. My dad had a pension and it was a pretty considerable amount. But, the nursing home bills alone were more then my dad's pension, and anything I was making at the restaurant I worked at.

I too resorted to drinking, it was the only thing that calmed me, and made me happy, Being sober, my mind drove me nuts, I'd get calls about an unpaid bill or that my dad had fell, it just drove to me drowning my sorrows away with heavy drinking.

I made so many mistakes though, I did some good things too, but I really ****ed up on a few things, I didn't learn till my pride took the ultimate hit, when I had no money for food, and I couldn't pay the water bill. I finally caved and asked for help. But, it still makes me angry to this day, thinking about the way things went down.

[Jr.]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

Thanks for the words of encouragement man. I do want to start paying, but I don't know where to start. Should I call the collectors and work out a deal with them or should I contact a financial adviser to have them sort the mess out and possibly help reduce the monthly payments?

Sometimes I just have to scream out F.M.L.

I'm guessing your loans are federal loans. Call up whomever is in charge of your loans and talk to them. They are extremely willing to work with people who can't afford to make payments. There are quite a few options available that many people don't know about.

It may take a month or so, but you should be able to work out a payment plan that is affordable to you. You can also talk with them about consolidating your loans and if that's possible. If it is, it should help lower your interest rate and possibly lower the total amount that you pay.

The government wants you to pay something because paying a little is better than paying nothing at all. So they will work with you, you just have to call them and explain your situation.

[Husker_OS]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

Some from the OT thread already know this but I'll delve a little deeper.

I met a girl in late summer of 2011 and we started dating really hitting it off. She told me she loved me about 3 months into the relationship and I held off on saying it back for about 2 weeks. I wanted to be sure. The following summer we hit a huge rough patch after I lost my job and was living at home. She ended things because it seemed like I was never going to move to Birmingham to be with her like I initially said when we met. We split up for about 3 days before we talked things out and got back together. That was last summer.

When I got a new job and moved to Birmingham she essentially lived with me at my apartment. She spent 75% of her nights sleeping at my place from September until April of this year. I knew in the fall that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her so I planned out the engagement. I decided to start looking for rings after Christmas. Next I had to figure out when to propose. I stumbled upon a deal on Groupon where you got a suite at the Hard Rock Hotel in Chicago for $300 per night which was half off the normal rate. The weekend of my birthday was a weekend available for the deal.

We fly to Chicago Friday morning and I had reservations at the Signature Room on the 95th floor of the Hancock Center for dinner. I ended up proposing in the courtyard of the 19th century church across the street. She said yes and it was easily the best weekend of my life.

We booked a venue in April and made our guest list. My parents agreed to pay for the honeymoon and her dress. Her friends planned an engagement party for August 3rd and we got the addresses of everyone for the engagement party to send out invites.

Then we have 2 fights in a 7-day period and she has a bad experience at the hospital with one of mentors. On the heels of the 2nd fight she ended things and broke off the engagement on July 13th.

I have been in a very deep depression since. I've lost my appetite entirely resulting in the weight loss of somewhere around 15 lbs maybe even closer to 20 right now. I've not slept through the night at all since.

I have good moments where I'm ready to move on and then out of nowhere I'll just lose it and go to a dark place. I get panic attacks. I'm short with everyone and don't really converse with anyone despite hanging out with friends 3 nights a week.

I really don't know what to do. I'm so ****ing depressed that I can't think straight and my days are blending together. I miss her so damn much that it literally gives me stomach aches and panic attacks.

I honestly thought that when she accepted the proposal that my life had just begun. We were both so blissfully happy following the engagement and we were so excited to do all of the wedding planning. She immediately bought bridal magazines at O'Hare on our flight home that weekend. A week later she bought wedding books at the bookstore.

I simply cannot wrap my mind around this. There's a ****ing engagement ring in my closet that I gave to the person I knew without a doubt I wanted to spend forever with but she gave it back.

I can deal with a broken heart. I broke a few in college and I had mine broken once in college.

But I honestly do not know how to handle this. It's not a mutual split. I tell myself and my friends that I'm ready to move on but I'm nowhere near that point yet. I keep this pain inside and refuse to share it with anyone because she's the only person I feel like I can be this way around.

I want to see a therapist but the means are not there. I'm 26 so ironically enough 2 days before I got engaged I was no longer allowed to be on my parent's insurance plan but it wasn't a big deal because once we were married I could be on her insurance plan with the hospital she moved to for residency in the spring.

I'm worried about myself due to these thoughts and my rapidly decreasing weight. But damned if I don't have any idea how to fix it. I don't even know where to go.

[Jr.]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

Husker, there are some therapists that will offer pro-bono sessions. You can make some calls in the area and might be able to find someone that will talk with you.

As for the relationship, it's only been a month. It seems to me like you're about where you should be with the process. These things take time, man. And if the people you hang around with are truly your friends, they would want you to open up to them and want to help in any way they can.

Keeping it inside usually makes it a lot tougher to deal with because you only have yourself to talk to.

In the end, everyone deals with loss in their own way. Expressing yourself to others or just writing in a journal can often be helpful so your thoughts aren't just floating around in your head all day.

Hope this helps man, if you need anything feel free to PM me.

[ScoobySnax]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Husker. Heartbreak is the absolute worst, but luckily the pain doesn't last always. I agree with Baughn in that you have to talk with someone you trust. You can't hold it all inside as it will drive you crazy. It's going to be all right, man.

[msuduo]

Husker, I've been there. I was engaged to my college sweetheart. We were a matter of a few months from the wedding when she broke it off. I had transferred colleges because she was done before me. She was all I knew for years. She was a lot of my firsts (thankfully not the most important first)

I can say it gets easier because I met my wife two months after, engaged within 6, married within 11 months of the first one ending things. But I know everyone's situation is different. All I can say is hang in there and lean on those that you can. You're not in this alone.

[FlyingFinn]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

Thanks for the words of encouragement man. I do want to start paying, but I don't know where to start. Should I call the collectors and work out a deal with them or should I contact a financial adviser to have them sort the mess out and possibly help reduce the monthly payments?

Sometimes I just have to scream out F.M.L.

Don't talk to the collectors at all and don't pay anything. Without any contact with you for 7 years the debt is cleared. Now if it is the government is after you (seems like they may be because of the wage garnishment since I don't think debt collectors can garnish your wage) then you I think you should just keep paying the wage garnishment.

[cardsfan2222]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

Don't talk to the collectors at all and don't pay anything. Without any contact with you for 7 years the debt is cleared. Now if it is the government is after you (seems like they may be because of the wage garnishment since I don't think debt collectors can garnish your wage) then you I think you should just keep paying the wage garnishment.

That isn't true. After 7 years you can get it off your credit report, but they can still try to collect the debt. There is no magic get out of jail free card for not paying.