My fiancé and I have been invited to be on Dr. Phil

[Segagendude]

Re: My fiancé and I have been invited to be on Dr. Phil

Microsoft inducing semen?

Some might call it, Flight Simulator X...

[ODogg]

Re: My fiancé and I have been invited to be on Dr. Phil

Guys I've not posted an update really because there's not much to tell at this point, still in a holding pattern.

I will say this, it's becoming a bit worrisome because Stefanie seems to be now pointing out my flaws to me a bit more, as if she agrees with them. For instance I'm "too nerdy" and "too into technology". Another one is that I'm "too boring", which is because I was quiet and didn't say much when we visited her grandfather in the hospital...and then on the flip side to that I'm "too weird" because I tend to be philosophical and find interest in things like the paranormal, conspiracy theories etc.

So that's quite a feat I've somehow pulled off to be both boring and weird eh?

Anyways, I'm wondering what's going to happen...for the first time since we've been engaged I have some serious doubts about the marriage, as in her wanting to now go through with it. She says otherwise but I can sense things changing.

Perhaps her parents will end up getting what they want if they keep this up. I really don't think I have the ability to try to change myself into something they want considering what they view to be my flaws, nor do I really want to even if I could. Truth be told I find all of this very emotionally exhausting and just think the whole thing is like a bad dream at this point.

I'm pretty depressed about the whole thing. Going to bed..

[Phobia]

My fiancé and I have been invited to be on Dr. Phil

Odogg don't take disrespect to this but it sounds like you are rushing into the marriage. Either she knows who she is marrying and loves who she is marrying or y'all have some unspoken issues that need addressed way before even a engagement. (She falls in love with a "techy", who is "too nerdy", "weird", and "boring". Accepts a proposal, then years down road just finds out these qualities?!?? Something sounds odd about that)

You would think the years y'all been together would be a clear indication WHO you are and if she liked those qualities. Now I'm also not giving you a pass, do you spend more time on PC or console than engaging with her? Another words are you giving her a reason to feel "bored"?

A relationship is far to deep to break down over a text message over the internet but one thing is clear. The future does not look like roses and rainbows with the baggage, questions, and concerns y'all seem to be facing!

Spoiler

oh lord I just realized, this is what will happen on the Dr. Phil show

Sent from da lil phone.

[ODogg]

Re: My fiancé and I have been invited to be on Dr. Phil

Odogg don't take disrespect to this but it sounds like you are rushing into the marriage. Either she knows who she is marrying and loves who she is marrying or y'all have some unspoken issues that need addressed way before even a engagement. (She falls in love with a "techy", who is "too nerdy", "weird", and "boring". Accepts a proposal, then years down road just finds out these qualities?!?? Something sounds odd about that)

You would think the years y'all been together would be a clear indication WHO you are and if she liked those qualities. Now I'm also not giving you a pass, do you spend more time on PC or console than engaging with her? Another words are you giving her a reason to feel "bored"?

A relationship is far to deep to break down over a text message over the relationship but one thing is clear. The future does not look like roses and rainbows with the baggage, questions, and concerns y'all seem to be facing!

Spoiler

oh lord I just realized, this is what will happen on the Dr. Phil show

Sent from da lil phone.

Well we've been together for four years so not sure we're rushing in. And she's been well aware of my "nerdy" issues since day one, I think the issue now may be that her parents are focusing on it and she's buying into it some.

I don't think she thinks I'm into technology more than her or anything, or that I neglect her, I just think she doesn't see what I find so great about some of it at times. This whole criticism stems from the fact that she has told me when we get around her family to not talk so much, that I'm a talker (which I am) and to be more reserved and not interact with everyone and...well be myself, LOL. So instead I try to do that a bit, then check my phone or ipad or just be quiet and not talking with everyone and remain in the background for awhile.

Honestly I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I've told her in the past she needs to accept who I am completely because I can change somewhat but I'm really tiring of the "you were too quiet and on your phone too much" one time and then the next "you talked too much and you shouldn't have mentioned (insert something here) when talking to (insert person here)"

I don't know...I really don't. I think all women have issues of others they'd like to change and that's just life. I don't see these issues as ones preventing marriage. She has said she doesn't either because they are just not that major of issues.

On the flip side I have things about her I do not like either. What relationship doesn't have those issues? None of them are major but we've had some discussions about things like the fact that I don't like how she makes fun of my writing reviews of things like here on OS, she thinks it's a waste of time, she doesn't like my philosophical questions I get into on Facebook, things like that. These are things about myself I would list as pros, not cons, because I do think differently than others and that to me is a source of pride, not something I would like to change. I enjoy writing and posting my thoughts and I cannot see choosing to abstain from that simply because she finds it odd that I share my thoughts on such stupidity as gaming sites and other sites like Amazon or Yelp for when I do reviews there (which I love to do)...

I mean it's apparent just from this post how much I enjoy writing, LOL, yet instead of her liking the fact that I write she seems to view it as a source of embarrassment, which I really had a hard time getting to terms with at one time but have moved on from it and just do not share with her any of my writings to get her opinion anymore. For example, check out my blog on here about the 3 next-gen systems which I spent some time on reviewing and posted. I was very proud of that and had many compliments on it here (and elsewhere) but she took one look at it and said "why do you waste time writing about that stuff??" and refused to read it as she deemed it too long and just a bunch of nonsense (although she didn't exactly say that, I inferred it)..

However, unlike her it appears, I'm willing to live with the fact she just doesn't like those things about me and I do my best to not involve her in them.

Who knows though, maybe you're right, maybe we should discuss putting this marriage on hold. However I'm sure if I bring it up she'll think it's me having misgivings when really it's me believing she has them which makes me think perhaps you are right and we should slow it down..although now we've already put down a deposit on a venue so we'd lose $300 so I doubt she'd want to consider postponing.

[Bruins]

Re: My fiancé and I have been invited to be on Dr. Phil

[Lieutenant Dan]

Re: My fiancé and I have been invited to be on Dr. Phil

ODogg...I don't know you as well as others here do, but I am definitely becoming a fan.

You seem perceptive and also self-aware...and what you are writing here speaks to an imbalance in the relationship that needs to be seriously evaluated. My recommendation is to get pre marriage counseling and get this stuff aired out.

The big reason I divorced my first wife is that the list of things about her that she needed to change about herself for us to make it was too long, and that it is just unfair to require someone to drastically change who they are to better conform to what would make me happy.

That is tough for me to admit like that, but it didn't make sense for us to continue if she or I had to become not improved people...but different people.

[pietasterp]

Re: My fiancé and I have been invited to be on Dr. Phil

I can't, and wouldn't, dream of giving you advice ODogg, but I'll start by saying I wish you the best no matter the outcome. I will say that in my experience, when a woman starts feeling separated from her parents, that's a tough situation for a guy to be in, and it can be a huge impediment. I think girls aren't like guys when it comes to that stuff - if a guy is in love and his parents don't like her, he'll just say "f-it" and marry her anyway. Girls, on the other hand, will frequently start to get scared of the prospect of going against their parents' wishes (like they're going to disown her or cut off communication), which it sounds like your fiance might be doing.

Normally, I'd say no way you should go on a TV show like Dr. Phil and air out your dirty laundry in public, but in this particular situation, it may be a way to at least start a real conversation about everyone's real feelings, with a moderator and TV cameras to make sure no one flies too far off the handle. Maybe it leads to more open communication (after the show) or even some thoughts or agreements about counseling or something like that. Who knows? Anyway, if her parents are amenable to it, that must mean everyone is interested in at least talking (whether you go on the actual show or not).

What's the old saying? Men get married and assume the woman won't change. Women get married and assume the man will change. They're both wrong.

P.S. If you both aren't sure, screw the $300. It's a hell of a lot less expensive than the alternative....

[GAMEC0CK2002]

Re: My fiancé and I have been invited to be on Dr. Phil

If nothing else, this has brought to light some serious concerns you and Steph need to address before moving forward. You both have to accept each other, the good and the bad, or its never gonna work out long term. You'll just end up resenting each other and minor stuff becomes major stuff.

Her family's involvement seems like that's an issue as well. It could/can drive a wedge between y'all if they are in the middle of everything.

Good luck ODogg. Hoping this is just a minor bump in the road. Y'all have been through a lot to get this far TOGETHER.

[KingV2k3]

Re: My fiancé and I have been invited to be on Dr. Phil

Sounds like you guys may benefit from some Pre Marriage Counseling / Couples Therapy...

And NOT the "Made for TV" kind...

Good luck, Sir!

[Phobia]

Re: My fiancé and I have been invited to be on Dr. Phil

Well we've been together for four years so not sure we're rushing in. And she's been well aware of my "nerdy" issues since day one, I think the issue now may be that her parents are focusing on it and she's buying into it some.

I don't think she thinks I'm into technology more than her or anything, or that I neglect her, I just think she doesn't see what I find so great about some of it at times. This whole criticism stems from the fact that she has told me when we get around her family to not talk so much, that I'm a talker (which I am) and to be more reserved and not interact with everyone and...well be myself, LOL. So instead I try to do that a bit, then check my phone or ipad or just be quiet and not talking with everyone and remain in the background for awhile.

Honestly I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I've told her in the past she needs to accept who I am completely because I can change somewhat but I'm really tiring of the "you were too quiet and on your phone too much" one time and then the next "you talked too much and you shouldn't have mentioned (insert something here) when talking to (insert person here)"

I don't know...I really don't. I think all women have issues of others they'd like to change and that's just life. I don't see these issues as ones preventing marriage. She has said she doesn't either because they are just not that major of issues.

On the flip side I have things about her I do not like either. What relationship doesn't have those issues? None of them are major but we've had some discussions about things like the fact that I don't like how she makes fun of my writing reviews of things like here on OS, she thinks it's a waste of time, she doesn't like my philosophical questions I get into on Facebook, things like that. These are things about myself I would list as pros, not cons, because I do think differently than others and that to me is a source of pride, not something I would like to change. I enjoy writing and posting my thoughts and I cannot see choosing to abstain from that simply because she finds it odd that I share my thoughts on such stupidity as gaming sites and other sites like Amazon or Yelp for when I do reviews there (which I love to do)...

I mean it's apparent just from this post how much I enjoy writing, LOL, yet instead of her liking the fact that I write she seems to view it as a source of embarrassment, which I really had a hard time getting to terms with at one time but have moved on from it and just do not share with her any of my writings to get her opinion anymore. For example, check out my blog on here about the 3 next-gen systems which I spent some time on reviewing and posted. I was very proud of that and had many compliments on it here (and elsewhere) but she took one look at it and said "why do you waste time writing about that stuff??" and refused to read it as she deemed it too long and just a bunch of nonsense (although she didn't exactly say that, I inferred it)..

However, unlike her it appears, I'm willing to live with the fact she just doesn't like those things about me and I do my best to not involve her in them.

Who knows though, maybe you're right, maybe we should discuss putting this marriage on hold. However I'm sure if I bring it up she'll think it's me having misgivings when really it's me believing she has them which makes me think perhaps you are right and we should slow it down..although now we've already put down a deposit on a venue so we'd lose $300 so I doubt she'd want to consider postponing.

Trust me Odogg, I know nothing of your relationship. My point of view is entirely based on what you have said, things that are coming up, and just overall through the years things you have mentioned. So it is a very minut perspective, and last thing I would want is you to take my advice and post-pone the wedding based on what some coon-*** said over the internet. My general point is things seem "off" and "rocky" before ya'll are even married.

Now to further go into that point. You have said it yourself, but also contradict yourself at the same time. One point you say

for the first time since we've been engaged I have some serious doubts about the marriage

which clearly leads into you having your own reservations, but later stating

I don't see these issues as ones preventing marriage. She has said she doesn't either because they are just not that major of issues.

. Now the way I interpret that is before you were stating you really felt it could be a big issue, but then once brought to light you second guess airing that out as a "game changer" and rather just see it as small. Like Dan stated, I truly believe who you are and wanting to change the other person to meet what you want is a BIG DEAL in relationships. The entire reason we get married is because we love who that person is and don't want to be with anyone else.

My only suggestion to you is make 100% certain before getting married that both of ya'll accept who each other is and really come to terms if you like those qualities or not. Just as much as she might not like you being a techy, you might not like her being so opinionated over who you speak to, how often you speak, and what you talk about. I can't imagine a women telling me when to talk or if I could even talk. That would get old really quick and lead to a "Who do you think you are!!".

Just be careful bud, that way we don't see a post in a couple years of "Me and Steph are getting divorced "

Hope everything works out man, for both of ya'll.

[fistofrage]

Re: My fiancé and I have been invited to be on Dr. Phil

You don't just marry the wife, you marry the family. Trust me on this one.

Its hard to say if you are being too sensitive or not regarding your fiancé pointing out some of your flaws, but if you've been dating for 4 years, you are halfway to the 7 year itch, so take that for what its worth. At least she's saying something instead of holding it in so you can talk about it. Additionally, its common for both sides to get cold feet, especially if she has someone whispering in her ear not to do it.

I am sure you can work this out, but you should definitely seek Dr. Phil's advice on this issue. He'll get some answers for you when he has everyone on the hot seat.

[Brandwin]

Re: My fiancé and I have been invited to be on Dr. Phil

Maybe I am way off base here, but if you need to get pre-marriage counseling, isn't that a sign that you probably shouldn't get married?

Good luck in all of this ODogg.

[fistofrage]

Re: My fiancé and I have been invited to be on Dr. Phil

Maybe I am way off base here, but if you need to get pre-marriage counseling, isn't that a sign that you probably shouldn't get married?

Good luck in all of this ODogg.

Going on Dr. Phil is the Silver Bullet though. Why pay for counseling when a free trip and 60 minutes on Dr. Phil will cure all the problems. He'll be bear hugging and High fiving his in-laws by the time its over. In fact his new Dad will probably insist they stop in Vegas to tie the knot on the way home.

[mgoblue]

Re: My fiancé and I have been invited to be on Dr. Phil

Maybe I am way off base here, but if you need to get pre-marriage counseling, isn't that a sign that you probably shouldn't get married?

Good luck in all of this ODogg.

I agree with Dookie and Phobia...You need to figure this out before getting married.

If she's resenting you for those reasons (techy and all that) then she resents you as a person.

IMO this is serious and you need to resolve it....sorry, but not sure what she wants or not.

[aukevin]

Re: My fiancé and I have been invited to be on Dr. Phil

Maybe I am way off base here, but if you need to get pre-marriage counseling, isn't that a sign that you probably shouldn't get married?

Good luck in all of this ODogg.

Not really. Regardless of the situation, I think it is a good idea to sit down with a counselor before marriage and voice what you expect from a marriage so both sides of it are clear. there are questions and situations that you may never consider until it hits you a few years down the road, and a counselor may be able to get you thinking of that. There may be a dealbreaker in there that love can't trump, so just a few sessions with a counselor can help you work through that together.