The NFL in the News

[KA88NE]

November 2016

From NFL.com:
REEVES CRUMBLES UNDER NATIONAL SPOTLIGHT
Exactly two days after receiving a gargantuan biography in the Rolling Stones Magazine, Keanu Reeves' son, Keshawn blew it in the Titans game versus Detroit.

The Lions won the game in Tennessee, 76-3 thanks to five interceptions by Reeves, who barely reached 100 yards passing on the day.

"I think a bowl of ice cream and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure on VHS will help me feel a little better," said a down-in-the-dumps Reeves after the game.

From the Chicago Tribune:
PETERSON PRETENDS BEARS ARE HIS CHILDREN
To call Adrian Peterson a Bears killer would be a vast under statement.

In 2014, the league's most highly regarded running back ran for 606 yards in one game over a non-existent Chicago defense.

Fast forward two years later, and it was much of the same again. For every touchdown pass Bears quarterback, Christian Edward II threw, Peterson had an instant touchdown to match.

"I just imagine their defense is my son," explained Peterson, "and it just," he paused, "it gets me so," Peterson stopped again to gather himself.

"It gets me so angry."

It showed on the field, as Peterson was locked in on every run. The running back gained 50 or more yards on six different carries. He finished with 443 yards rushing on 25 rushing attempts topped off by a prolific seven touchdowns.

Seven touchdowns broke the record for touchdowns in a game, a mark Peterson set himself in the aforementioned 2014 affair with six.

"The game simulation engine is really awful," retorted the human controlled heart throb quarterback, Christian Edward II, "let's not forget I had an awesome ****ing game."

The Vikings, who only controlled the ball for 14 minutes, won the game 70-63, breaking Chicago's three game winning streak. And putting a deafening halt to its momentum.

Minnesota tied Green Bay for the NFC North lead at 7-2, with Minnesota getting the edge on the tie-breaker.

Chicago fell to 4-5 thanks to the heart-breaking loss.

From Bleacher Report:
ROETHLISBERGER TAKES JAB AT MCGLOIN
The Matt McGloin show was on for Thursday Night Football this week.

"Matt McGroin, lol," Tweeted former Steelers quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger during the game, "sorry, it's too easy."

McGloin has a league worst 19 interceptions as the Steelers first new quarterback since releasing former franchise player, Roethlisberger.

With Joe Flacco sidelined by a fractured foot, third year quarterback, Keith Wenning started the game for Baltimore.

Even with the backup in, the Ravens won 38-22, but are not much closer to the division leading Bengals. Cincinnati improved to 8-1 in capturing its sixth straight win on Sunday.

[KA88NE]

November 2016

From ChicagoBears.com:
TAUNTED TRAITOR - PHOTOS FROM SUNDAY AT GREEN BAY


Arrelious Benn, left, taunts former Bears head coach, Lovie Smith, right,
following one of the receiver's three receptions. Benn, a University of
Illinois graduate, dislocated his shoulder getting tackled one play later.



Total Hotty, Christian Edward II does everything in style. The Dream
Boat, center, actually waves goodbye to Smith, left, en route to pay dirt.
Edward II also added 432 yards passing and three touchdowns in the win.

[NewscasterNews4]

This has definently been interesting so far, plus I really like the photo incorporation in the last post. Following.

[KA88NE]

It's really flattering to know someone is enjoying it. Especially considering it's kinda bare bones. I do enough grunt work broadcasting sports at my job, so I just wanted this to be a get away where I can write for fun and not put too much time into it. Thanks a lot, man.

[KA88NE]

December 2016

From Buzzfeed:
TOP 15 NFL HEAD COACHES THAT ARE EXTREMELY INSECURE ABOUT BODY IMAGE


Jaguars Head Coach, Demetrius Turner, center, tries to position his body in a way
that makes him look less humongous.

#1: Demetrius Turner, Head Coach, Jacksonville Jaguars
Turner is extremely insecure about his body image. When the cameras are on him, he's known for constantly re-adjusting his shirt to make sure it's not over-exposing his totally gross waist line.

Waist line? More like waste line, dude. You need to shed those extra pounds. Haha, get it? That's a bad Buzzfeed joke.

Turner makes his best effort to position his body towards the cameras at angles that don't make him look as fat. A sad effort that his assistant coaches, pictured above, try to match in order to make him feel less alone in his pain.

"It feels impossible sometimes," said the nimrod, Turner, who should absolutely be ashamed of himself for choosing to be born with the genes he did, "those damn NFL Films cameras are coming at me from every angle."

From JacksonvilleJaguars.com:
ZIGGY HOOD REALLY UPSET WE'RE 10-4 WITHOUT HIM LOL
Former Jaguars defensive tackle, Ziggy Hood, who was cut this pre-season for yelling at reporters over his feelings on overall ratings in sports, has found a way into the news again.

Hood has started leading organized protests against 'Overall Rating Discrimination'.

Joining Hood is former teammate, Mark Brunell, who psychologists also say is likely just upset the team is succeeding without him.

From NFL.com:
THE PLAYOFF HUNT FOR DUMMBIES
It's almost time for post-season football gatherings among friends and family. Let's get you ready to sound smart in front of them all, who will also just be re-stating things they read online or heard somewhere else in an effort to one-up you, as well as everyone else in your group.

In the AFC, the Bengals and Broncos wouldn't have to play in the first round if the playoffs started today because they are 11-3 and 10-4 respectively. The Jaguars are also 10-4, but the Broncos currently have the tie breaker because they're not the Jaguars.

By the way, Peyton Manning isn't the Broncos starting quarterback anymore. He retired last off-season. So don't say anything stupid about Peyton Manning to your friends. The quarterback in Denver now is Zac Dysert.

No, it's not pronounced "dessert," it's "dysert." And if any of your female friends in attendance try to say he looks good enough to eat, remind them nicely that Christian Edward II is the hottest f***ing quarterback in the league and that once they lay eyes on him, they'll never need another man in their life again. Not even one who's name resembles sweet candies and tasty treats.

Also, be careful when watching the Broncos playoff games with anyone that actually matters to you this post-season. If you say Dy-sert three times, his back-up, Kirk Cousins will show up and eat you alive. No, Cousins is not a wicked spirit or ghost or anything. He's just really obsessed with The Walking Dead and really upset his football career is practically worthless all the sudden.

Behind the three aforementioned teams are the Buffalo Bills, who fell to 9-5 this past week. The Bills won the Super Bowl last year after beating the San Francisco 49ers. This is something you should definitely remember at your playoff parties because the Bills would never be fortunate enough to win a Super Bowl in real life.

Behind them are the also 9-5 Chiefs, and then further on down the conga line are the 7-7 Chargers, Patriots, and Rams, all enjoying a nice three way for the sixth and final playoff spot.

Oops, I meant three way tie.

In the NFC, the Eagles are in a really awful division, and are the first team to clinch a playoff spot at 8-6. Which is funny, because the rest of the conference is a cluster-**** of winning teams.

The Seahawks and Panthers are both 9-5, which is only good enough for the sixth seed. If the playoffs started today, the Panthers would not be in.

Carolina finished undefeated last season, but fell to the Chicago Bears in the divisional round. Cam Newton broke a finger on his throwing hand that put him out for five games midway through this season, and now the Panthers are holding on for dear life headed into the final two games.

That's because the Packers, Saints, Lions, Vikings, and 49ers are all at or above ten wins. Yes, all of them.

Which means the 8-6 Bears may not even make the playoffs if they're to clear the board and win their final two games.

There you go, dummbie. Now you're prepared for the worst.

From the San Francisco Examiner:
STEVIE JOHNSON TAKES ALL CREDIT FOR 49ERS SUCCESS
Since starting 0-2, the 49ers haven't lost a single game. San Francisco extended its win streak to twelve games on Sunday after a 37-6 victory in an NFC West showdown with the St. Louis Rams.

Following the game, Stevie Johnson, who surpassed 1000 yards receiving in the match-up, reminded the media he still doesn't need to follow along with the team's off-season training regimen and is only doing so because he has to now.

"Remember my comments about how I didn't need to work out in Buffalo?" asked the team's leading receiver in terms of receptions and yards.

"That was actually me bragging about how I'm the best receiver in the league even though I wasn't trying as hard as all those other wannabes with better stats than me."

Johnson was clearly correct, because now that he's being forced to keep in shape by Jim Harbaugh, everything's been really super awesome.

"Now that I am putting some effort in, we're winning all of our games. I guess it goes to show the kids out there, if you put in the work, the rewards will come. I'm a great role model."

"I knew I could be the sole reason for every bit of our team's incredible success."

The receiver also has yet to make amends with God, who he blamed for a dropped ball in a game he played for Buffalo against the Steelers.

"He's with me 24/7!!!!!!!" Johnson reminded the media, "I just wish He'd give me space sometimes."

"That's why I blocked Him on Twitter."

[KA88NE]

December 2016

From Yahoo! Sports Blog:
JIM NANTZ NEEDS TO EASE UP ON THE CHRISTIAN EDWARD II LOVE
If you're watching the CBS broadcast of the Titans/Bears game, it's possible you picked up on play by play man, Jim Nantz breaking into a hot sweat over Christian Edward II worse than a 1960s Beatles fan girl. One listen to the game's intro, and you'll be left questioning who Nantz even is anymore. And James Brown, too. Brown leads Nantz in at the beginning, but doesn't sound anything like himself. It's more like a very poor impression of Brown. Was he sick? Did someone try to fill in for him? What has our world come to?

[NewscasterNews4]

"Edward II is so hot he could melt the snow." I was dying.

I hope you do more game intros like that, that gave me my laugh for the day lol.

[njdevils14]

Love this. Really like the use of pictures recently as well