From: BurnerSixRed ([email protected])
To: Nonek, Reinhold ([email protected])
Subject: Recruiting Update Week 5 and 6
Hope you scrubs have been hitting the practice field hard during this off week. You aren't making it easy on me out here when I'm trying to advertise a program that gets curbstomped by the Zips. The freakin Zips?!?? That sounds like a laundry detergent or somebody that delivers your packages overnight. Give me something to work with!
That being said, I will start off with the bad news... I have abandoned all operations regarding CB Billy Bell. He just had the stars in his eyes and nothing was going to convince him to play at a glorified high school field while half of the top 25 were fondling his coin purse and telling him he was their only true love. I probably could have submarined Vandy, but they are only barely in the mix at this point. It looks like he'll go to Ohio State or Michigan... with Texas, Georgia, Vandy and Nebraska bringing up the rear.
But now onto the good news... Because I am a god among men who still live with their parents... I present to you a potentially revolutionary find:
Conrad Palinski / Athlete / 5-star
5'11" / 187 lbs / Fremont, OH
You read that right motherf***er... five stars! This guy wasn't even in my area code a few weeks ago. Word on the street was that the top programs were all swinging from his junk... Bama, USC, Auburn, LSU... they all want him. But I know a little secret.... Based on information gathered by spoofing the SIM card from his father's cellphone, I've discovered that all these big time programs want him to convert to running back or receiver or punt returner... and he's told them all that he will only sign to play quarterback! So I promptly called his father and told him that I would personally decapitate all QBs currently on our roster and dispose of the bodies if he signed with the Rhinos. I wasn't being serious of course, that's the kind of dirty work that I would outsource. But this kid has it all except for size. A cannon arm, respectable speed and escape-ability, he was made for the Run and Shoot. Estimates vary widely in the simulation engine, as bigger programs may cave and promise him QB work, but best case scenario at this point offers a 71% chance of signing. My dad said that I will be hired as an officially official employee and get a corner office with a Game of Thrones replica throne as my office chair if I sign this dude.
Tyrone Welsh / Athlete / 4-star
6'0" / 204 lbs / Palm Bay, FL
A find from EstelleGettyMeHorny, a user from a Golden Girls fan blog that I run, brought this kid to my attention. Estelle and Tyrone go to the same high school together and it turns out he is the inverse of Palinski. Tyrone played RB in his junior year and QB his senior year. He had a great year at QB, taking the Palm Bay Swampthings to the state semi-finals... But his first love is running back. UCF and Clemson are interested in him only as a QB. A white guy named Tyrone who wants to play running back? That's a friggin misfit unicorn right there... and Niagara will be known as the primary destination for misfit unicorns if I have anything to say about it. Still very early in the process, so the simulations might not be fully cooked yet... but I think we're the only program to both meet his positional request and offer a scholarship. Currently a 62.4% chance of making him a Rhino.
Joey Jackson / DE / 2-star
6'2" / 238 lbs / Ashland, OH
I currently have him pegged as a 3-star. The only knock is that he's slightly undersized and a JUCO transfer from OSUASS (Ohio State University Ashland Stewardess School). He has plus strength for his frame and can surprise lineman with both bull rush and finesse techniques. Another guy that would likely be a day one starter next season. Maryland and the Ohio University that is not THE Ohio University are still in the mix, but I think he is ours to lose. Simulations vary based on the flight attendant job market, but I estimate a 75-82% chance of signing.
Not sure how much info I'll have for the upcoming game against Buffalo... but for goodness sake they are right across the falls. Go send Zelinski over there to watch them practice.
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