Joke Thread

[WTF]

Re: Joke Thread

The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."

Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITLY blue."

The teacher says; "Not true Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"

Johnny says " I have a question."

OK lets hear it, says the teacher.

Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "Well no they don't."

Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITLY just **** my pants!!!"

[WTF]

Re: Joke Thread

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

[luv_mist]

Re: Joke Thread

I didn't make this up but it's kind of funny

The Four Ghosts of the White House

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

[rudyjuly2]

Re: Joke Thread

An 8 year old boy and his 6 year brother awaken in their bunk beds early one Saturday morning. The 8 yo turns to his brother and says, "ok, today's the day we're gonna start cursin' around here! To start off, I'm gonna say "$hit" and you're gonna say "a$$". Nervously, the little brother says, "o-okay". So in a little while they both make their way downstairs to the kitchen where there mom has been anticipating their arrival for the morning meal. "Good morning boys," the mom sings, "what would you two like for breakfast?" The 8 yo replies with a surly look on his face, "aww, $hit, mom, I'll take some Corn Flakes!" Shocked, the mother quickly snaps back, "YOU MARCH YOURSELF RIGHT UP TO YOUR ROOM YOUNG MAN AND BE PREPARED FOR THE SPANKING OF YOUR LIFE!" Quickly, the 8 yo rushes up the stairs to his room without hesitation. The mother, then turns abruptly to the 6 yo and sternly asks, "WELL, what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" Nervously, the 6 yo replies, "well, you can bet your a$$ I don't want any of those Corn Flakes!"

I liked this one. WTF your peanut joke is good too.

[MJ23]

Re: Joke Thread

Why are black people so tall?

cuz theyre negros (knee grows)

[OSUG1]

Re: Joke Thread

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them and, 8 months later, he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

The second surgeon said, "That's nothing! A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident. I reattached them and, 2 years later, he won a gold medal in Track and Field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and meth and she rode a galloping horse head-on into an 18-wheeler traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
woman's blonde hair and the horse's ***. I was able to put them together and now she's a senator from New York

[OSUG1]

Re: Joke Thread

A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vise, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off with that rusty saw,are you? "The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set this old shed on fire and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want."

[Bobolini]

Re: Joke Thread

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."


The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy"

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[NoleFan]

Re: Joke Thread

Good stuff guys. I've been sending 1 of these per day to a friend of mine. She's found them all very funny!

[skitch]

Re: Joke Thread

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."


The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy"

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

:y4: Classic.

[NoleFan]

Re: Joke Thread

Yeah, I'm gonna send her that one tomorrow. Today she got this one...

An adult woman in her late 20's is still living at home with her mother and father. One day, her mother walks by her room to find her daughter pleasuring herself with a vibrator. In shock, her mother exclaims, "I can't believe you're doing that! You should be married by now and let a man pleasure you!" The daughter snaps back, "What for? This thing is just as good as any husband! Who needs men!!" She then rushed her mother out of her room and slammed the door. The mother distraught, told her husband about their daughter and wondered what they would do.

That Sunday, their daughter returned from a shopping trip and upon entering the house heard a familiar noise coming from her father's TV den. She walked into the room and was aghast to see her vibrator sitting on the couch next to her father, activated, and on "high". Shockingly, she cried out, "DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" Her father replied, "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."

[Beantown]

Re: Joke Thread



Oh man.

[Bobolini]

Re: Joke Thread

Why Sentence structure is so important...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire
the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss
approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have
to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I have a terrible headache."

[Acid]

Re: Joke Thread

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."


The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy"

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Probably my favorite joke in this thread.

[skitch]

Re: Joke Thread

Why Sentence structure is so important...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire
the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss
approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have
to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I have a terrible headache."

:y4: That's great.