Joke Thread

[WTF]

Re: Joke Thread

A man appeared before St Peter at the Pearly Gates

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St Peter asked...

Well, I can think of one thing." The man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker, and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.. I yelled, “Now, back off... Or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!”

St Peter was impressed, " When did this happen?” . . . .

The man answered back “Just a couple of minutes ago ...”

[WTF]

Re: Joke Thread

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

[X*Cell]

Re: Joke Thread

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

wow

[Altimus]

Re: Joke Thread

A man walked into a bar in Louisville , Kentucky and ordered a drink. While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of Hillary's political ads came on. After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, "Hillary is a horse's ***!"

The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the Moreman square across the head, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.

After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country."
"It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country"

Good stuff!

[Bobolini]

Re: Joke Thread

Two old men decide they are close to their last days
and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end
up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers
and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an
inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not
wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take
care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead!". "Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?". "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." His friend says, "could be worse I think mine was a witch."" A witch!? Why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to
her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite... then she
farted and flew out of the window."

[skitch]

Re: Joke Thread



That's sick.

[Meatball]

Re: Joke Thread

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

[X*Cell]

Re: Joke Thread

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

wow... are firemen this evil?

[skitch]

Re: Joke Thread

I don't know, but it was damn funny... haha

[shugknight]

Re: Joke Thread

A lady was walking around the office one day, when Steve, a fellow co-worker comes up to her and says..

"Wow, you're hair smells nice!"

In a furious rage, she roars into the boss' office and complains..

"I want to file a sexual harassment suit on Steve!"

The boss replies, "Whats wrong with Steve paying you a compliment?"

The lady answers back "STEVES A FREAKIN MIDGET!"

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

At Thanksgiving time, a woman comes up to the check out at a grocery story and starts unloading her cart on the belt. The check out guy starts naming off things one by one as he places them in the bag. One can of tuna, a quart of milk, small loaf of bread, 1/4 pound of cheese...... He hesitates and turns to the woman asking, "your single aren't you?" She replies, "why, yes, how did you know?"










"Because you're ugly."

[WTF]

Re: Joke Thread

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job." Mujibar said, "I am ready." The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready." The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"



:y4:

Mujibar now works as a technican at the Xbox360 call center for hardware problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him.

[skitch]

Re: Joke Thread



That's messed up.

[rudyjuly2]

Re: Joke Thread

Three Italians die one day and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter turns to the first Italian and asks him, "What have you done and why are you here?"

(All Italian commentary done in thick Italian accent)
First Italian: "I work at Chryslers for 22 years. One day I go in and they say the plant shut down. I go home. But when I open the front door I see a pair of shoes in the entranceway. These not my shoes. When I get to the kitchen I see a pair of pants on the floor. These not my pants. Then I see my wife lying naked on the couch and a guy hanging on to the windowsill by his fingers.

I get so angry I run over to the windowsill and slam the window shut! The guy falls down but he lands on an awning and is safe. I get so mad I pick up our refrigerator and throw it out the window on him and kill him. However, I have a heart attack and die. That’s why I’m here."

Peter: "Well I can understand why you were so angry. You are forgiven and may enter heaven."
Peter turns to the second Italian and asks him, "What have you done and why are you here?"

Second Italian: "I been a window washer for 15 years. One day I fall off the ledge. I think I’m dead but I grab a windowsill and am safe! Just then, some crazy guy slams the windowsill down on my fingers! I fall down and land on an awning. Safe again! But the crazy guy throws a refrigerator on me and I fall down dead!"

Peter: "Well that’s not your fault. You may enter heaven."
Peter turns to the third Italian and asks him, "What have you done and why are you here?"

Third Italian: "There I was, sitting naked in a refrigerator, minding my own business …"

[Bobolini]

Re: Joke Thread

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.