Joke Thread

[GenoG]

Re: Joke Thread

Where have all the good jokes gone?! I need my jokes: Ok, I'll try.

okay, ah, umm. Priest and a rabbi go, go onto the supermarket, and, uh, the priest wants to buy a ham. And the rabbi says, "Ah, I can't eat it. It's forbidden." Couldn't eat it. Not allowed, pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No, but I, I don't see you coming up with anything. And that people is what grinds my gears. Tom?

No serious, I love the joke thread. Nice contributions, keep this alive!

[Cyros]

Re: Joke Thread

Where have all the good jokes gone?! I need my jokes: Ok, I'll try.

okay, ah, umm. Priest and a rabbi go, go onto the supermarket, and, uh, the priest wants to buy a ham. And the rabbi says, "Ah, I can't eat it. It's forbidden." Couldn't eat it. Not allowed, pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No, but I, I don't see you coming up with anything. And that people is what grinds my gears. Tom?

No serious, I love the joke thread. Nice contributions, keep this alive!

Is it bad that I knew where the joke was from when I read "priest and a rabbi"?

[Bobolini]

Re: Joke Thread

A husband and wife came for counseling after 40
years of marriage. When asked what the problem was,
the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade
listing every problem they had ever had in the 40
years they had been married. She went on and on and
on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire
laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over
the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a
sufficient length of time, the therapist got up,
walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The
woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a
daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said,
"This is what your wife needs at least three times a
week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,..
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and
Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."

[Bobolini]

Re: Joke Thread

---There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very
depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things
that took two arms. One day he'd had it. He decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping
along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this
man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up
here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things
with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and
going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how
glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly
and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for
saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy
could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway? "

He replied; "I'm NOT happy..... my *** itches."

[X*Cell]

Re: Joke Thread

---There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very
depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things
that took two arms. One day he'd had it. He decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping
along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this
man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up
here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things
with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and
going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how
glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly
and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for
saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy
could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway? "

He replied; "I'm NOT happy..... my *** itches."

[OSUG1]

Re: Joke Thread

---There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very
depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things
that took two arms. One day he'd had it. He decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping
along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this
man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up
here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things
with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and
going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how
glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly
and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for
saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy
could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway? "

He replied; "I'm NOT happy..... my *** itches."

anybody think of the two guys who try to commit suicide with a circular saw

[OSUG1]

Re: Joke Thread

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit
lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."

"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! She sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line,
Sir,
you need to press 9."

[NoleFan]

Re: Joke Thread

That made me chuckle!

[WTF]

Re: Joke Thread

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini shirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt just a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be good Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are."

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[OSUG1]

Re: Joke Thread

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is
in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove. "
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's
go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks,
"How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that [censored] again, you're in my closet now."

[WTF]

Re: Joke Thread

:y4: That's hilarious.

[MassNole]

Re: Joke Thread

> Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
>> Both were very faithful and loving wives, however,
>> they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
>> Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they
>> needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing
>> to wipe with so she thought
>> she would take off her panties and use them. Her
>> friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of
>> panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky
>> enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
>> with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with
>> that. After the girls did their business they
>> proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's
>> husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and
>> innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned
>> the other husband and said, "These girl nights have
>> got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst .. my
>> wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing"
>> said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
>> stuck to her butt that said ... "From all of us at the Fire Station.
>> We'll never
>> forget you."

[OSUG1]

Re: Joke Thread

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St.
Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had
to tell him what Easter was.


The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast
and we give thanks and eat turkey. "St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he
banished her to hell.


The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus'birth and
exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.


The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,
"So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His
disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The
Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, Verrrrry good." Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St Peter fainted ................

[X*Cell]

Re: Joke Thread

> Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
>> Both were very faithful and loving wives, however,
>> they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
>> Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they
>> needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing
>> to wipe with so she thought
>> she would take off her panties and use them. Her
>> friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of
>> panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky
>> enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
>> with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with
>> that. After the girls did their business they
>> proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's
>> husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and
>> innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned
>> the other husband and said, "These girl nights have
>> got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst .. my
>> wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing"
>> said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
>> stuck to her butt that said ... "From all of us at the Fire Station.
>> We'll never
>> forget you."

[luv_mist]

Re: Joke Thread

Got this one in the email this morning. I hope nobody gets offended by this. Funny stuff though.

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"