Need family advice!!!!!

[ODogg]

Hey all, i'm in some need of advice from all of you guys. I called my mom the other day and she said she needs $250 or she's going to lose her house. My question is do I let her have the money or not? Before you can answer though here is a little background.

My mom retired a few years ago without any savings. Although she is very smart she worked mostly slightly above minimum wage jobs all of her life. She has always had troubles with money and often went to my grandparents for help. They have been giving her money for years. But recently they took of ill health and are out of the picture.

I have given my mom money here and there for the last few years, nothing major but $50 or $100 so she can keep her electric on, gas on, etc. I make great money at my job but i'm nearly 40 years old and don't have a lot of savings and would like to buy a house.

My issue isn't giving her the money so much as what it may lead to. I'm happy to give her the $250 but what happens in a few months when her house insurance comes due again? She has no job and no savings. My sister currently lives with her and bartends here and there. She also has no real ambition and makes very little money.

I've always believed you should take care of family so I hope alot of you realize that the easy answer isn't simply to give cash but what to do about the overall situation. Should I give her money but with strings attached, like she needs to get a job or I don't lend anymore money? Or should I just do tough love and leave it to her to figure out another way to come up with the money.

Honestly my grandparents have been bailing them out for years and I don't want to be the go-to-guy for future loans as I do have my own life. My friends have always said I'd be the one getting hit up for cash if my grandma was out of the picture because I do make good money. Is tough love called for here or what? Any ideas?

[baumy300]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

Personally, if my family (parents especially) ever needed money, especially for them to keep their living quarters, I would hand it over, no questions asked.

Do what you feel is right, but I'd hand it over with a bow on it.

[ODogg]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

Personally, if my family (parents especially) ever needed money, especially for them to keep their living quarters, I would hand it over, no questions asked.

Do what you feel is right, but I'd hand it over with a bow on it.

Without conditions? I'm just afraid that this will never end.

[ExtremeGamer]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

If my Mom needed money, I give it to her without asking.

Seriously, if you can buy multiple PS3's without thinking about it, it shouldn't be an issue to help your mother out.

[Cebby]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

Give her the money and tell her you won't give her more unless she gets a job.

Regardless of what she does, you'll give her money. She's your mother.

[mgoblue]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

If my Mom needed money, I give it to her without asking.

Seriously, if you can buy multiple PS3's without thinking about it, it shouldn't be an issue to help your mother out.

I'd do the same thing. My parents have seriously helped my *** out of some big situations, I pay them back, but still they go above and beyond for me. I'd do anything I could to help them.

I understand where he's coming from though...it's a tough situation. You don't want her leeching off of you. I didn't leech off my parents, I just had a few issues that they were able to help me with short term, and I paid them back....

[CaptainZombie]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

Odogg, I would give my parents, bros, sisters money in an instant, especially if it means for them living in the street.

She's your mom, but we also don't know all the facts either.

[Trevytrev11]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

If my Mom needed money, I give it to her without asking.

Seriously, if you can buy multiple PS3's without thinking about it, it shouldn't be an issue to help your mother out.

True in most cases, but I think he's concerned of the slippery slope he is creating and if he helps her out now, she is going to depend on him for future help, which is unfair to him regardless of the fact he can afford it or not.

Also, its tough to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. If she has no ambition to work and pay her own bills, there are good odds this situation will be coming up far too often for him in the future.

I think you help her out this time and set conditions that this is a one time thing if her situation doesn't change and that maybe you'd be more willing to help her if she does start to help her self and go back to work.

Retiring is only retiring if you can afford it...otherwise it's basically just quitting a job. Would you continue to help an able family member or close friend out who quit their job and had no plans to look for another one (possibly ever?)

If it was my mom, again I would help her out with out a doubt, but rules and circumstances would simply be set to let her know that I am willing to help her out if she is willing to help herself out.

Odogg, is she collecting social security or other gov't care? If so, is this shortcoming the result of a special circumstance? I just don't understand how she would only need $250 if she had no income whatsoever. It would take much more than that to survive for a week or two for most people.

Also, if she can't afford her house payment, maybe you can convincer her to move into something more affordable ( a cheaper house, condo, apartment, etc.).

[ODogg]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

I was afraid i'd get advice like this, I agree about giving her the $250 possibly but I'm worried about the overall picture. I hope you guys read the entire post and seriously think about what this may entail.

EDIT - read some of the other posts, and will reply now, thanks guys.

[mjb2124]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

I'd give it to my parents in a heartbeat...same goes for my sister.

I understand the slippery slope theory. That's why when giving the money I'd sit down and discuss my concerns. This way you lay out everything on the table while helping.

[ODogg]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

True in most cases, but I think he's concerned of the slippery slope he is creating and if he helps her out now, she is going to depend on him for future help, which is unfair to him regardless of the fact he can afford it or not.

Also, its tough to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. If she has no ambition to work and pay her own bills, there are good odds this situation will be coming up far too often for him in the future.

I think you help her out this time and set conditions that this is a one time thing if her situation doesn't change and that maybe you'd be more willing to help her if she does start to help her self and go back to work.

Retiring is only retiring if you can afford it...otherwise it's basically just quitting a job. Would you continue to help an able family member or close friend out who quit their job and had no plans to look for another one (possibly ever?)

If it was my mom, again I would help her out with out a doubt, but rules and circumstances would simply be set to let her know that I am willing to help her out if she is willing to help herself out.

Odogg, is she collecting social security or other gov't care? If so, is this shortcoming the result of a special circumstance? I just don't understand how she would only need $250 if she had no income whatsoever. It would take much more than that to survive for a week or two for most people.

Also, if she can't afford her house payment, maybe you can convincer her to move into something more affordable ( a cheaper house, condo, apartment, etc.).

Thank you for seeing the big picture. It's a very frustrating situation and honestly has been for years. I've told my grandparents to quit helping her and my sister out or else they would be in big trouble if the help wasn't there but they've always "had a big heart" and chosen to ignore my advice. And now we move on to the next phase and I'm just afraid of where it will lead.

My mom has always been a "live day to day" type person, never looking ahead to the rainy day. She has never had much ambition or desire to do anything other than survive the day she is living in. It really troubles me because like I said before, she is a very smart person but does not utilize her talents.

She sprung this whole "I need $250 or I will be on the street" thing a few days ago and I have not heard from her since. Now it's quite possible she is stretching the truth a little here, that her situation isn't quite as dire as she would make it appear, but only she knows that. I say that because she does have a tendency to exaggerate sometimes in these situations. However she also has a tendency to not worry about things like eviction or her electric being turned off, until literally the last minute. So who knows what's really going on.

My grandparents have, in the past, asked her to quit smoking (she's a chain smoker and has a hacking cough but refuses to go see a doctor) and get a job. My grandpa even offered her $5000 if she would quit smoking and get a job but she didn't do either.

If I honestly thought she'd be on the street i'd have given her the money by now but I think i'm only getting part of the story. I think she sees an upcoming insurance payment due and doesn't know how to pay it and is trying to get someone else (me) to help her out. Which is fine but as I said, what about when the next one is due? What then?

And yes I do have extra money that I spend on "wasteful things" such as multiple gaming systems but as has been stated, isn't that my right to spend some money on myself and enjoy the fruits of my labor? It's my mom yes but it's also not my wife and/or kids who I should support. I don't mind helping her out but just don't want to end up as her support system.

[JohnnytheSkin]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

To be honest...no. I love my family with all my heart, and they've always been there for me, and now my family. We even had to live in my parent's basement for a time with an infant son. All that would just be pleasant memories if my Mom and Dad started living beyond their means, being frivolous with their cash, and wasting it, and THEN asked me to bail them out, which is what you are describing.

If they were responsible and the **** hit the fan, say a spiked energy bill or something, I'd give the money no strings attached without hesitation. If it's a pattern though, I'd put my foot down and say no.

Like it or not, even at 40, you'll now become the crutch since your grandparents can't do it anymore. Your mother no doubt played the "daughter" card, and now she'll start tossing around the "I'm your mother" card in order to guilt trip money out of you.

Call it cruel, heartless, whatever. I would never lend money to my middle, married sister and her husband for example, because while he's responsible, she burns bridges and job hops, doesn't pay attention to finances, and ONLY when they were separated did she pay attention to the budget. It's not like I don't care about her, I just know how she is.

[ODogg]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

To be honest...no. I love my family with all my heart, and they've always been there for me, and now my family. We even had to live in my parent's basement for a time with an infant son. All that would just be pleasant memories if my Mom and Dad started living beyond their means, being frivolous with their cash, and wasting it, and THEN asked me to bail them out, which is what you are describing.

If they were responsible and the **** hit the fan, say a spiked energy bill or something, I'd give the money no strings attached without hesitation. If it's a pattern though, I'd put my foot down and say no.

Like it or not, even at 40, you'll now become the crutch since your grandparents can't do it anymore. Your mother no doubt played the "daughter" card, and now she'll start tossing around the "I'm your mother" card in order to guilt trip money out of you.

Call it cruel, heartless, whatever. I would never lend money to my middle, married sister and her husband for example, because while he's responsible, she burns bridges and job hops, doesn't pay attention to finances, and ONLY when they were separated did she pay attention to the budget. It's not like I don't care about her, I just know how she is.

Finally, someone who knows where i'm coming from. Thank you for weighing in. I really want to see my mother (and my sister) both realizing that they need to try to do something better than living day to day and bumming people for money. I do NOT want my mom kicked out but I honestly believe she will make more noise if it really came to that.

If I could tie giving her $250 to her going to see a doctor and at least trying to get work i'd do it in a heartbeat. The problem is my grandparents have, as I said, tried this sort of tactic time and time again to no avail. The entire thing rests on sympathy, the "you'd let your mom get kicked to the street??" angle.

When the crisis is over so too is the ambition for any change to the situation. That's what really worries me.

[countryboy]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

ODogg, I would give her the money but with conditions. Sit her down and tell her how you feel about her always needing to borrow money to get out of situations. And that she needs to become responsible for her own financial well-being.

Keep in mind man, tough love is love too.

[Scottdau]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

I know, but it is your mom. End of story for me. Even if it is every month I would still help her. And I am sure your mom has done a lot for you over time.