Need family advice!!!!!

[Scottdau]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

Jesus man, its your mom. Give her the money. I understand your hesitancy, but she raised you correct? I am sure she has sunk thousands upon thousands of dollars into raising you. As you say, you make "good money". You gonna let your mom get kicked out of her house over $250 to teach her a lesson?

There are times to teach lessons and prove points, but there are also times to help your family. This is most certainly the latter.

Hell yeah I would. That would teach that bitch for grounding me when I was 10!!!!

[Streets]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

Truthfully, based on the reaction to some responses, it sounds like ODogg's mind is already made up. I could be wrong, but it seems like you'd prefer not to give her the money and came on here to get reassurance of that. If that's your choice, go for it.

This.

I feel the same way about the girl problem thread you posted earlier. Ultimately, you know what you want to do and are looking for reassurance.

In this thread, you don't want to give your mom the money, but are afraid of the guilt you will feel perceiving yourself as a "bad son".

In the other thread, you are not really feeling the girl, and don't really want to date her, but are afraid of the guilt you will feel perceiving yourself as a "shallow guy", "picky guy", "bad guy", etc. because you lack options and do not find the girl attractive.

In both instances, you know what you want to do, and I think you just need to have more confidence in yourself and your decisions, because we can give you all the advice in the world, but ultimately you are the one who has to live your life.

Whatever you do, communication is key. Let people know how you feel and lay all your cards on the table. You can talk to your mom about your concerns in a way that lets her know your fears for her and for yourself. Let her know that you are concerned for her, and that her actions don't just affect her (the smoking, the frivolous spending, etc.) If things don't change, then at least you can have a clean conscience, knowing that you at least made your concerns known.

[JohnnytheSkin]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

As one in the thread who unequivocally said I would NOT give my mother the money, let me clarify.

IF [and ONLY if] my mother acted the way his mother did, would I refuse. If it was MY mother and father, the ones who raised me, who bought me a ****ty car my junior year of high school so I could drive to work, who co-signed on loans for college, who let my wife and I with our eight month old son live in their basement after my first horrible post-college job fell apart (for a variety of reasons) until my wife ultimately found her fantastic career six months later, who dealt with my bull****, the BS of my two sisters including a faux separation from my older younger sis, then yes...I would abso-freakin'-lutely lend her the money.

If my mother was an irresponsible adult like ODogg's, or a money grubbing self-centered ho-bag like my wife's mother, or the egocentric and racist extended family that raised her, than Jesus Christ NOOOOO!!!! Sure I would talk it through, sure I would explain my case, but just because I nursed her teet, a free loan would not be guaranteed (though it WOULD be considered based upon their responses).

I've already lost a "loan" to an in-law, something that unfortunately comes up when my wife and I argue about money, but know that after one burned bridge, we both are reluctant to lend. Not that we CAN'T, it's just the fear of being taken advantage of, and not wanting a repeat of a prior event.

Does that make sense? I would lend MY mother and father the money, but would be reluctant if HIS mom was my own.

[ODogg]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

I'm actually not looking for people to validate my decision here, whatever it may be. Honestly I really would like to give her the money, but I would like to do so knowing that she has a plan that will really yield her some future help because she can't keep going on like this.

Right now her only income is $169 a month from the government. Also she gets food stamps. Her house is on a government loan which means her payments are really low. Someone here suggested I move in with her and/or pay the payments to have the house someday. Well she has owned the house for 30 years and not put hardly ANY money back into it so it's pretty much not worth buying at this point (bad roof, basement is caving in due to mold/water, windows all need replaced, etc). And because it's a government loan when she dies it goes back to them, not anyone in the family. Basically she has been paying so little she really has no equity in it and bottom line, that is just how the government housing thing works from what she has told me. Also, I could never live with someone who smokes like she does (she chain smokes) as I find it disgusting and it makes me quite ill.

And here is the deal with talking to her, she does not like to talk much about her problems, she just wants the money, and will just purse her lips and not say much other than she is screwed here and needs help. When I ask about any plan for the future she will shrug mostly and kind of blow it off. This goes for her money situation, her health and the crazy smoking that she does. I can't believe she is still smoking with as much money as she spends on it, probably half of her $169 a month she makes or more goes to the tobacco companies I think.

Now, one thing i'm considering is just giving it to her without any conditions or any discussion but flat out saying I will not give her any more money so she's going to have to do something. My grandparents have been doing this for years but each time they do what alot of you guys are doing, they say "but this is our daughter, we have to help." The difference with me is if I say it then I will most definitely follow through with it and I would hope she knows me well enough to know I am not going to just cave all the time on things like this.

I think that may be one issue here a lot of you folks who are saying "just give her the money, it's your mom for crying out loud" are missing. She has been in this situation for literally about 6 or 7 years since she retired, borrowing money from the grandparents and anyone else who will help her out of the most recent jam. Just this past February she told my grandparents that she had to have $2000 for this year and last year's real estate taxes or she would be getting the boot. It about caused my grandmother to have a heart attack she was so stressed about them getting put out. My mom didn't mention ANYTHING about the taxes for all of 2008, knowing she had not paid them and I imagine getting threatening letters left and right. She only told my grandparents when a legal letter showed up giving her a date on it with the sherriffs office saying they would be there at such and such date.

So hopefully some of you guys don't think i'm a heel here and can see where i'm coming from. It's not about the money, it's about her way of living and her not being responsible. I'm not sure that just giving her money this time is a good thing because it seems like it may just give her the comfort someone will always be bailing her out. But as you guys have stated, if she's really going to be booted to the street I don't want to let that happen. How do you tell someone how to run their life I guess? I need to figure out a way to help her not just this one time but for the future and honestly I don't know if that is even possible.

[ExtremeGamer]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

My Mom could be in any issue, wouldn't matter to me. Guess that's just me.

My Mom and Dad brought me into the world. Worked 2 jobs to make sure I had everything as a kid. Did whatever they could so I could get a car when I turned 16. Helped me when I was in financial trouble. Gave me money when I got married.

So yes, no matter what the situation, she needed money, she gets it. Can't look past at all I was given because she busted her *** for me my first 25 years on this planet.

[Streets]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

Now, one thing i'm considering is just giving it to her without any conditions or any discussion but flat out saying I will not give her any more money so she's going to have to do something. My grandparents have been doing this for years but each time they do what alot of you guys are doing, they say "but this is our daughter, we have to help." The difference with me is if I say it then I will most definitely follow through with it and I would hope she knows me well enough to know I am not going to just cave all the time on things like this.

The only thing about this is that I think she needs to know why this is a one time thing. Otherwise, she'll keep coming back to you. Even if she doesn't want to hear it, you need to let her know, "I'm worried about you, this is a pattern, I'll do anything you need to help get your life in order, and I too am trying to start a savings". Otherwise, she won't know why this is a one time thing, and will start going to you because you've already positively reinforced her with the 200.

[J.R. Locke]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

The American way!

If you had to come on here and ask what you should do, you probably shouldn't give her the money.

[Cane_Mutiny]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

Just give it to her but let her know that she needs to get a job and support herself. If she's physically unable to work, that's one thing. But it seems like she (and your sister) are fine and could work if they wanted to. Help them find jobs and make sure to let them know that they have to support themselves.

[ODogg]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

Just give it to her but let her know that she needs to get a job and support herself. If she's physically unable to work, that's one thing. But it seems like she (and your sister) are fine and could work if they wanted to. Help them find jobs and make sure to let them know that they have to support themselves.

My mom has said time and again "I'm 60 and I shouldn't have to work" but there is nothing wrong with her physically except being overweight (and smoking like a chimney). Honestly I think one big thing keeping her from taking a job is the smoking thing...she can barely stand to go 5 minutes without a cigarette and I think that's a major part of it.

My sister is just outright lazy, she was barely making it here lately and I found out she asked to be cut down to 3 days a week bartending. So now she really has no extra money to give my mom (she lives with my mom) to help with stuff like this. She said she's going to just move out anyways so I guess she's leaving mom high and dry and is totally coming off as if "well there's nothing I can do because i'm poor".

The whole thing just really irks me, people can choose to live however they want, to my mom and my sister it doesn't bother them that they have no money to their name, like not even $1 to pay to park if they go somewhere. But for me, I could never live that way, when I made minimum wage I worked 2 jobs always to have extra money.

I have no issue with folks living however they want but when it becomes a burden on everyone around them, then it's officially a problem that needs fixed. It's not really a drug problem at all, but somewhat like it. I am a worrier and to be quite honest I'll bet I've spent MORE time worrying about her and my sister than they have!!!!!!

[Heelfan71]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

My Mom could be in any issue, wouldn't matter to me. Guess that's just me.

My Mom and Dad brought me into the world. Worked 2 jobs to make sure I had everything as a kid. Did whatever they could so I could get a car when I turned 16. Helped me when I was in financial trouble. Gave me money when I got married.

So yes, no matter what the situation, she needed money, she gets it. Can't look past at all I was given because she busted her *** for me my first 25 years on this planet.

yep, and when you have kids of your own you really start to see that.

[fistofrage]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

Here's the deal.....

Even if she is your Mom, doesn't mean she's a responsible person and worthy of the money.

I have a sister who has bilked my parents and other relatives for thousands over the last 10 years. I'm younger than her, but I was getting sick of her always asking people for money. She would say she needed food for her kids to eat, etc.

So to prove a point to everyone I showed up to her place with a couple nice cuts of meat, a bunch of vegetables, and canned goods and cereal to stock her shelves. About $100 worth of food altogether. Enough to last at least 10 days. She didn't want it, she wanted the money.....Why was that? Millions of reasons, but not to buy food for her kids. I've got a standing offer to her, should she ever be in need of food, I'll gladly drop off groceries. She's never accepted it, but if she starves its her own fault.

You said your Mom smokes like a chimney. No way would I give her $250 if she smokes. If she stops smoking I'd pay the rent or whatever bill needs to be paid directly to the vendor but no way do you just hand out cash to an irresponsible person. Handing her $250 isn't going to help anything. You need to sit down with her and get a solution. She's your Mom, you owe her at least that. But she's your Mom and parents shouldn't take asvantage of their kids.

[Phobia]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

Here's the deal.....

Even if she is your Mom, doesn't mean she's a responsible person and worthy of the money.

I have a sister who has bilked my parents and other relatives for thousands over the last 10 years. I'm younger than her, but I was getting sick of her always asking people for money. She would say she needed food for her kids to eat, etc.

So to prove a point to everyone I showed up to her place with a couple nice cuts of meat, a bunch of vegetables, and canned goods and cereal to stock her shelves. About $100 worth of food altogether. Enough to last at least 10 days. She didn't want it, she wanted the money.....Why was that? Millions of reasons, but not to buy food for her kids. I've got a standing offer to her, should she ever be in need of food, I'll gladly drop off groceries. She's never accepted it, but if she starves its her own fault.

You said your Mom smokes like a chimney. No way would I give her $250 if she smokes. If she stops smoking I'd pay the rent or whatever bill needs to be paid directly to the vendor but no way do you just hand out cash to an irresponsible person. Handing her $250 isn't going to help anything. You need to sit down with her and get a solution. She's your Mom, you owe her at least that. But she's your Mom and parents shouldn't take asvantage of their kids.

I agree with this to Odogg. I have a sister just like Fist is talking about. Matter of fact she made some waves when I put pictures up of her in my arena. But she is irresponsible and has milked my parents for money also. I would NEVER give her cash. But I have helped her tons of times. But that is a different story. Bottom line is you need to convince her to fix her problem, if she does not she isa grown women.

[ODogg]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

I agree with this to Odogg. I have a sister just like Fist is talking about. Matter of fact she made some waves when I put pictures up of her in my arena. But she is irresponsible and has milked my parents for money also. I would NEVER give her cash. But I have helped her tons of times. But that is a different story. Bottom line is you need to convince her to fix her problem, if she does not she isa grown women.

Yeah my sister is following in my mom's tracks too. All she does is party all the time and go out with her friends. It really burns me up that they (my sister lives with my mom so I say "they") are hurting like this for money in regards to the house and yet my sister just asked to go from 4 days at the bar to 3 days a week. WTF??? If anyone should be helping my mom out it should be my sister since she lives there.

*sigh*.......why can't people just get their stuff together???

[rudyjuly2]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

I'll just chime in and say this is a much harder decision than what some of you have posted to give mom money. This isn't a one time thing and I agree with fistofrage. She has wasted money her whole life and will continue to waste money. Plus there is a deadbeat sister living with her. The decision isn't about $250 once. ODogg will be supporting her the rest of her life at the rate this is going. Time for mom to unretire imo.

I've seen deadbeat people just bleed money out of people for years. Its not like ODogg's mom can't rejoin the workforce and start earning what she needs rather than constantly relying on everyone else.

[KG]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

I'm sorry Odogg but she has been using other people (your grandparents) and once they have been bled dry she is looking for the next leech (you). I know it's your mom and all but the whole situation sounds shady. If she really needs her insurance paid and you agree to giving her the $$ then I would demand that I pay the bill. Like fist said, if she doesn't want you to then she's lying to you. There is no doubt in my mind that she knows what she is doing and is relying on what other people have said in here, "She gave birth to you, blah blah blah".

To whoever said that they would give their mom $$ even if they knew she was going to buy drugs. That is terrible, and as a son you are only hurting her.

If you start now it will never end.