Need family advice!!!!!

[DC]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

I am with ODogg.

I have a friend that has a big family and it seems like EVERY other week somebody in her familiy (brothers, sisters) is asking her for some $. They NEVER pay her back even though they say they will.

So I understand where ODogg is coming from. Family or not, them being family doesn't mean they can't abuse you and you are obligated to say yes.

Thank God I am not from a big family

It is your mother and all but she has dried up all of her other resources and she is looking for a new one. I don't think you should have to do that just because she is your mother.

[DC]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

Even if my mom was going to buy drugs I would still give her the money. It is my mom.

Uhm, are you serious?

[callmetaternuts]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

ODogg, I would give her the money but with conditions. Sit her down and tell her how you feel about her always needing to borrow money to get out of situations. And that she needs to become responsible for her own financial well-being.

Keep in mind man, tough love is love too.

I agree here. I would give the money to her, but thats assuming you guys are still tight. My family and i are very close so i would assist any way i can. They helped pay my way through life growing up, i'd help them.

If you see a pattern developing, or a potential pattern, nothing wrong with saying you will loan her the money, but this cant be a regular thing. You're happy to help and support, but there has to be some progress shown. Maybe circle the want ads in the paper for her and say here's the money, and here are some job leads.

It's a double edged sword, but i dont see how you say no without laying down some rules after this.

[bowdown2shadi]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

ODogg, give her the money, and like countryboy said, sit down and talk with her.

And you HAVE to convince her to quit the smoking. Its a must. I've read your posts in this thread, and she wouldn't even quit for $5000!?!? Its ridiculous. Try to get her to see a doctor.

And tell your sister to go back to school! Well, if she haven't already been to a 2yr or 4yr. Looks as if she's just being lazy.

Talk some sense into your family ODogg! You can do it


*These words were not meant to be offensive

[KG]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

I agree here. I would give the money to her, but thats assuming you guys are still tight. My family and i are very close so i would assist any way i can. They helped pay my way through life growing up, i'd help them.

If you see a pattern developing, or a potential pattern, nothing wrong with saying you will loan her the money, but this cant be a regular thing. You're happy to help and support, but there has to be some progress shown. Maybe circle the want ads in the paper for her and say here's the money, and here are some job leads.

It's a double edged sword, but i dont see how you say no without laying down some rules after this.

The pattern was there for a while with his grandparents. Factoring all the intangibles (not working, smoking, limited income, monthly bills) do you honestly think that this will be a one-time thing?

If yes, then as a fellow 'Noles fan let me hold a grand. I'll gladly pay you back next Tuesday.

[callmetaternuts]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

The pattern was there for a while with his grandparents. Factoring all the intangibles (not working, smoking, limited income, monthly bills) do you honestly think that this will be a one-time thing?

If yes, then as a fellow 'Noles fan let me hold a grand. I'll gladly pay you back next Tuesday.

I dont think it will be a one time thing, but at least this way he gives his mom a chance to not only pay her bills but to shape up. There would be less remorse/guilt (or the chance for it) if he helps and lays down some stipulations.

I would feel terrible not offering to help, but at the same time, I have rules. Maybe im jaded. I come from a good home and am close to my family (I'm 29) so perhaps i see it differently, but i always think that saying NO straight up is tough. By offering an olive branch, or a portion of one, not only are you doing something to help out family, but you have set rules that if it happens again, you can walk away.

What if he loans her the money and she straightens up? It might a 1% chance, but i dont think selflessness, compassion, and goodheartedness (is that a word?) are bad traits.

If she abuses it, or pisses the money away, he can look her in the eye and say mom I (not grandma, or grandpa, or Jimmy or next door Nancy) helped you once, i asked you to make some changes if you wanted my help and you didnt. I cant give you anymroe money.

[KG]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

I dont think it will be a one time thing, but at least this way he gives his mom a chance to not only pay her bills but to shape up. There would be less remorse/guilt (or the chance for it) if he helps and lays down some stipulations.

I would feel terrible not offering to help, but at the same time, I have rules. Maybe im jaded. I come from a good home and am close to my family (I'm 29) so perhaps i see it differently, but i always think that saying NO straight up is tough. By offering an olive branch, or a portion of one, not only are you doing something to help out family, but you have set rules that if it happens again, you can walk away.

What if he loans her the money and she straightens up? It might a 1% chance, but i dont think selflessness, compassion, and goodheartedness (is that a word?) are bad traits.

If she abuses it, or pisses the money away, he can look her in the eye and say mom I (not grandma, or grandpa, or Jimmy or next door Nancy) helped you once, i asked you to make some changes if you wanted my help and you didnt. I cant give you anymroe money.

I definately agree that the decision will be tough but I just have a hard time helping someone who won't help themselves given that they have a history of doing this. It's basically a reversal of roles where you are acting like the parent and the mom is acting like the kid.

[fistofrage]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

I definately agree that the decision will be tough but I just have a hard time helping someone who won't help themselves given that they have a history of doing this. It's basically a reversal of roles where you are acting like the parent and the mom is acting like the kid.

Thats exactly it, you wouldn't give your kid $250 if you knew they were going to spend it on cigarettes because thats essentially what you are doing. If she didn't smoke like a fiend, she'd have the $250.

You might as well whipe with your cash and flush it down the toilet because just throwing money at the problem won't work. My guess is that the mom views herself as a victim of this or that. She needs to take some responsibility and get a new perspective on the situation, then you can come in and help by paying some bills, but never give the money directly.

[ODogg]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

Thank you guys who are seeing that this situation is not as seemingly simple as it sounds @ face value. Also, just a note, I bought her a laptop computer in hopes she would be able to either find work (you really have to be familiar with a computer nowadays to get most any job it seems) or maybe figure out some way to use it to make money but it's not worked out at all. She does use it but mostly to chat and waste time, like I often do here at OS, heh heh.

[DC]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

How far do you live form her? I think buying her a laptop for that reason was a bad idea. I mean she can go to the library to get it done.

Is she computer literate?

[davehughes14]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

I know exactly what you're going through here ODOGG. I know this exact situation, because it sounds like you are describing my mother. My brother and I have go through this scenario at least three times a year.

From my own experiences, I can you that it's never a one time deal, but you have to do what you think is best. You know your mother and what all the facts of the situation are.

[Motown]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

Od, I can't stress enough to you about your mother being a chain smoker to try to get her to stop before it's too late. my wife just left to go see her best friend tonight...only to say goodbye to him. his organs are shutting down as we speak. yeah man, he was a chain smoker too. he just recently quit about a month ago...only it's too late. The thing is...dudes a MILLIONAIRE, but his money ain't worth a damn to him now...'cause by the end of this week or sooner...he'll be gone.

Whatever you decide bro, try to get her to put those damn cigarettes down...before it's too late... for HER.Show her this post if you want to. i see where a carton of Marlboro(sp) is 43.00 these days. cigs aren't worth it man...NASTY AZZ habit fo sho. laata bro

*edit* He passed about 3:00 am this morning.

[Vince]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

No questions asked you do it...

My mom has gotten by raising 21 year old me and my 28 year old sister. We don't pay ****.My sister is finishing off a second degree and i'm almost done my first one. No way we would've gotten that far without our mother... My dad hasn't lived with us since 1994, but he still contributes. Overall though, my mom pays for mortgages, bills, sometimes school, but she will share that with my father. All that and she gives me cash when i need it including 1000$ bucks and each year for my 18th and 19th birthdays...My mom has good savings, but god for bid she is in this situation, i won't even hesitate for one second...This woman literally works for me and my sister and I just want to finish off school get a good job and repay her anyway i can because she has done everything for me and my big sister...That's what parents are for, they make sacrifices for their kids. I think you can do the same this one time...

I guess the situations vary, but still, for me it's a no brainer...Def. sit down with her though.

[Motown]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

No questions asked you do it...

My mom has gotten by raising 21 year old me and my 28 year old sister. We don't pay ****.My sister is finishing off a second degree and i'm almost done my first one. No way we would've gotten that far without our mother... My dad hasn't lived with us since 1994, but he still contributes. Overall though, my mom pays for mortgages, bills, sometimes school, but she will share that with my father. All that and she gives me cash when i need it including 1000$ bucks and each year for my 18th and 19th birthdays...My mom has good savings, but god for bid she is in this situation, i won't even hesitate for one second...This woman literally works for me and my sister and I just want to finish off school get a good job and repay her anyway i can because she has done everything for me and my big sister...That's what parents are for, they make sacrifices for their kids. I think you can do the same this one time...

I guess the situations vary, but still, for me it's a no brainer...Def. sit down with her though.

Thing is, it's not JUST... 1 time bruh, & your not even CLOSE to his predicament either.

no disrespect either Vince.

[DC]

Re: Need family advice!!!!!

^ Exactly. People it isn't disrespectful or dishonoring your parents if you tell them no. Yes they did all they could possibly do for you but that isn't a pass for them to abuse your generosity.