My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

[J0nnD0ugh]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

What JBH said is mostly correct. When you 1st meet someone, yes, physical attractiveness is more important. Cause you don't know them, what else is going to draw you to them?

But as the relationship goes longer, that physical attractiveness should become less important. You're w/them not just because they look good. But because of their personality, their qualities, the things that are below the surface. That makes them more beautiful in your eyes, even though they may become less appealing in others because of time.

That's not happening w/xxplosive. I'm not going to go so far as to say he's superficial. But if he's been w/this woman for 3 yrs, the thought of being w/o her should be outweighing (no pun intended) her weight. Instead, he finds her "disgusting".

He's not ready to get married like he thinks he is.

[DC]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

I agree, he shouldn't marry a woman that he finds disgusting. He shouldn't want to marry that.

[Bornindamecca]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

Good post, DC. Being in a relationship should always be about making each other better. Love is a verb, and if you love something, you try to get the most out of it. Anything that you view as a good quality should not only be maintained, but developed over time. If you are in love with a smart girl and she stops reading, you should encourage her to stop being brain-lazy. If you're with a girl who likes to socialize and she starts sitting on the couch every night, you gotta remind her about what she loved to do.

The relationship shouldn't foster complacency. It just so happens that in this situation, the complacency is manifesting itself physically. If you want to improve as person on a daily basis, you cannot--absolutely cannot--condone stagnation or decline in your partner. They have to be someone that not only seeks to improve themselves, but also encourage you to improve yourself.

Otherwise you are just two chumps settling for endless laps on the Hamster Wheel.

[DickDalewood]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

What JBH said is mostly correct. When you 1st meet someone, yes, physical attractiveness is more important. Cause you don't know them, what else is going to draw you to them?

But as the relationship goes longer, that physical attractiveness should become less important. You're w/them not just because they look good. But because of their personality, their qualities, the things that are below the surface. That makes them more beautiful in your eyes, even though they may become less appealing in others because of time.

That's not happening w/xxplosive. I'm not going to go so far as to say he's superficial. But if he's been w/this woman for 3 yrs, the thought of being w/o her should be outweighing (no pun intended) her weight. Instead, he finds her "disgusting".

He's not ready to get married like he thinks he is.

Still gotta disagree with that. No one is saying she's gotta look like Tom Brady's wife, but she should have some personal motivation to look good for her mate. A healthy sex life is good for relationships and marriage, and part of that stems from physical attraction. If my girlfriend/wife has become so comfortable around me that they start gaining major weight because they no longer care how I perceive them physically, then something is clearly wrong there.

Are looks the number one most important thing in a relationship? Of course not. If personalities suck, they don't work, and obviously, as humans, we age and weather, so our looks won't always be there. But those are uncontrollable factors, not just a matter of letting oneself go.

Physical attraction SHOULD matter. She should want to look good for him as he should for her.

[deaduck]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

^^These are all just hypotheticals with alot of people assuming dude is some kind of winner that she isn't keeping up with.

I'm not trying to call the dude out and all, but do you think after 3 years he's the same guy who "woo'd" her in the early stages of the relationship? I just keep thinking that everybody who thinks if she loses weight it'll all be okay are just simplifing dude's problem to a simplistic "HER FAULT", when the reality is that if you pin the entirety of your relationship on her staying the way she was when you met that EVENTUALLY you're going to be disappointed.

[TheLetterZ]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

Some of you would fail the reading comprehension and critical thinking sections on the SAT. I'm not even sure it's possible to fail those, but you'd find a way.

[stewaat]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

Life is too short to not be having fun experiences physically with your partner. If you can't enjoy that part of life that would be a shame.

I understand when you're older that will go away...but what about now? The hell if I would ever sacriface physical pleasure because somebody wants to become unhealthy. It's selfish on her part to not get into shape. Tell her you envision a long life with her and being in good shape will help you both do things you enjoy down the road. Does she want to be 40 and unable to tie her shoes?

Unless of course you want to be physical with a fat woman, hey some people like that. It sounds like you don't, so I suggest you tell her how it is.

It's your life and you only need to please one person...yourself.

[TheLetterZ]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

Life is too short to not be having fun experiences physically with your partner. If you can't enjoy that part of life that would be a shame.

I understand when you're older that will go away...but what about now? The hell if I would ever sacriface physical pleasure because somebody wants to become unhealthy. It's selfish on her part to not get into shape. Tell her you envision a long life with her and being in good shape will help you both do things you enjoy down the road. Does she want to be 40 and unable to tie her shoes?

Unless of course you want to be physical with a fat woman, hey some people like that. It sounds like you don't, so I suggest you tell her how it is.

It's your life and you only need to please one person...yourself.

Exactly!

"Well in the long run, looks fade . . ."

In the long run, we're all dead. Live in the moment and enjoy it.

[Chef Matt]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

Get gym memberships and workout together. Cook healthy stuff for her.

Don't know what to tell you aside from that.

While I can say that my wifes weight has never been an issue. (she's gained and lost,me too for that matter) But there was never a time when she wasn't attractive to me. Always been beautiful regardless.
With that said, we did this, as Abrooks mentioned. Joined a gym together and work out together. It's been great for us both....and the rewards are far greater then just getting into shape.......If you know what I mean.

[DC]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

I think you wife being BEAUTIFUL and you finding her SEXY are two seperate things. I can no be able to be "ready" for my wife, but I can still find her beautiful. I think beauty speaks about partial physicals and mostly intangibles.

But as I said, if dude thinks she is nasty looking why should marry her.

[ScoobySnax]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

Let me rephrase that. I'm not disgusted by the way she looks, she's still pretty, just 40 pounds heavier. My attractiveness towards her has decreased though. I'm just pissed that when we first started out she was thin and sexy, but now not so much. I have to be partly to blame too. I probably wasn't encouraging enough because I would be so frustrated (not an excuse though). Still trying to work it all out.

[JBH3]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

Some of you would fail the reading comprehension and critical thinking sections on the SAT. I'm not even sure it's possible to fail those, but you'd find a way.

Really. That's unnecessary...your comment.

And as a Mod you shouldn't be trying to ignite the insults. Piss poor on your part. Looking at who has posted in this thread since the point that I entered are all mature and sound individuals given their abilities to critically think and comprehend. Sure...I've gotten into many a heated discussion w/ some (JohnDough, among others), but that's just because of different viewpoints and ideas.

However, never did I feel that any of these persons couldn't comprehend what I was saying...they just didn't see it the same way as I did...and that's ok.

A big problem here is the two camps in this thread reacting as if their party is completely right, and the other party is completely wrong.

When in retrospect both parties have viable concerns/ideas/solutions/what have you... about this situation.

Some have been condemning, some have been supportive, some have been condemning then supportive, and neither is absolutely right or wrong.

All of these reactions can ignite action from the OP as only he knows all the details in this relationship so if a group of people find the litte information he's provided as shallow than maybe he has some self-realization of how shallow he is.

Condemning, in at least that aspect, has a positive effect.

...and guess what I never even took the SATs, and don't if I'd pass that section or not. I do know that I passed the ASVAB, entered in the Marine Corps, had two MOS's in Supply Admin. and finance, and currently work as a GS-11 Financial Analyst without ever having to take the SATs. Hey I probably even make more money than you, and again...never even took the SATs. But guess what...all of that is irrellevant, much like your comment above.

This elitist stuck-up mentality is freaking sickening.

[DC]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

Yea man, you have to be semi-drill sargent in women/weight control situations.
1. It turns them on since you are displaying leadership skills.
2. It hopefully gets them in a routine that they can have even IF you all get seperated.

It is about creating a healthy LIFESTYLE. Working out needs to becoema LIFESTYLE, not an activity for them (and you). You have to find the way to preach that to HER.

Just rememeber that they are women and they probably won't be able to work as hard as you think they should be able to. So don't be TOO hard on them. But you have to PUSH them and let them know it won't be easy.

That is why I try to only talk to athletes/former athletes because they understand what hard physical work is all about and won't cry about it.

Is she the prissy type? Don't like to sweat type?

[JBH3]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

Yea man, you have to be semi-drill sargent in women/weight control situations.
1. It turns them on since you are displaying leadership skills.
2. It hopefully gets them in a routine that they can have even IF you all get seperated.

It is about creating a healthy LIFESTYLE. Working out needs to become a LIFESTYLE, not an activity for them (and you). You have to find the way to preach that to HER.

Just rememeber that they are women and they probably won't be able to work as hard as you think they should be able to. So don't be TOO hard on them. But you have to PUSH them and let them know it won't be easy.

That is why I try to only talk to athletes/former athletes because they understand what hard physical work is all about and won't cry about it.

Is she the prissy type? Don't like to sweat type?

This approach never worked for me, and if your "leadership" abilities are only limited to one-mentality type of person then how much of a leader are you?

Given I was in the Marine Corps (yea...here we go again), w/o knowing your ACTUAL knowledge of how a drill instructor operates, I tried this approach for the longest time w/ my girlfriend/fiance/wife.

Never worked. So your idea that there is a catch-all way to get women "in-line" is false. Not everyone needs to be pushed. As a "drill instructor" that's what you do, but these are not troops we are talking about...these are women, and yes some are Miss Prisses and need a different motivation.

I'd tell her...babe I'm going on a run come on let's go. And she'd complain about not being prepared or just complain about something.

THE ONLY thing that finally got through to her was my genuine concern over her overall health. Needing to eat right, lay off the chocolate, and exercise regularly so that the long life we envision sharing together would not get cut short...and the long life she envisioned having with our son and hopefully grandchildern would be plentiful.

She also got to the realization that she was fed up w/ constantly being fatigued from teaching, and essentially coming home and falling asleep on the couch.

I'm proud of her because she's done a lot of changing her habits on her own. It's sort of like a drug addict, in that they have to find their bottom before THEY decide their needs to be a change.

An athlete (or former) doesn't need the extra attention.

(1) They've likely been through some rigor of training that they UNDERSTAND how hard you have to work.
(2) Given one...they're use to the hurdles, and don't become defeated by them.
(3) Given 1 and 2 they have a mental edge over most and that is the most important aspect of this whole entire topic.

Your mental state.

Once my wife 100% dedicated herself to change I was there to be a coach, and tell her look you'll lose like 8 lbs quickly and then the next 10 are going to be hard...don't give up. My constant SUPPORT, and unwavering commitment...even when frustration would set in over a lack of effort is what's important.

You can't get snappy, upset, or something of the sort. You gotta keep your bearing, and not insult or attack them when they are not putting in the effort or being lazy. That'll just give way to them defeating themselves.

[Cebby]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

I just keep thinking that everybody who thinks if she loses weight it'll all be okay are just simplifing dude's problem to a simplistic "HER FAULT"

It appears that the only problem is her weight.

Her weight gain is her fault.

Thus, unless he is leaving out critical information, the whole issue is her fault.