Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

[baumy300]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

Haven't seen anyone post one like this yet, so here goes.

I can't stand working out around other people.

Whether it's running on a treadmill, lifting weights, doing push ups, etc... I just hate doing it.

It's not being nervous. because I played sports in front of crowds since I was a kid, and it's not a self conscious/paranoia thing but I can't exactly put my finger on what irritates me so much about exercising in front of people.

[AC]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

I can't stand working out around other people.

Same! I'm hugely self conscious about that.

[mburke2]

Haven't seen anyone post one like this yet, so here goes.

I can't stand working out around other people.

Whether it's running on a treadmill, lifting weights, doing push ups, etc... I just hate doing it.

It's not being nervous. because I played sports in front of crowds since I was a kid, and it's not a self conscious/paranoia thing but I can't exactly put my finger on what irritates me so much about exercising in front of people.

- I'm the same way but I think it's more of a self-conscious thing.

- I think about and regret a lot of things I did or didn't do in my life. The biggest one is consciously not being with my family when my grandmother died in 2005. She had cancer and she'd been sick for a while so it wasn't like it just happened out of the blue. I was 19 and it was just a typical Friday. Got out of work and went to a friends house to play some wiffleball with a couple of my buddies. I got a call from my mom that the family had gathered at my grandparents because she wasn't going to be with us much longer. I didn't have my car with me but my friends offered to take me over there just a few towns away. I declined and just insisted we keep doing what we were doing. I guess I didn't want to face the reality of the situation so I tried to stay away from it. To this day I feel terrible for not being around my family and being able to say my final goodbyes. The worst part was actually the next day when I did end up going over there, because everyone basically stayed the night and I felt like a stranger showing up when I should've been there all along. I'm actually tearing up right now just typing this up and thinking about it.



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[jhogan3132]

Im currently dealing with a life altering decision. I have been married since September, and have been with my wife for almost 5 years. I have two children from a previous relarionship who are 7 and 8 and live with me full time for about the same amount of time. I became buisness partners with a dentist in January and I have been having an affair with her since August of last year. I thought it was a one time thing, but it has been consistent since the first time. We eventually told each other that we are in love and that's when things got serious. I have been battling with these emotions for 3 months, and I told my wife on Thursday that I am not in love with her anymore and want a divorce. Obviously she was devestated, and no sooner did I tell her I was back tracking. I have yet to tell her about the other woman and am having a very hard time dealing with my emotions. Sometimes I think that I'm interested in this other woman because its always a honeymoon. On the other hand I think that I'm only interested in working through things with my wife because I feel bad for her. I'm the only one who works, she has sacrificed almost everything for the family, and I don't want to destroy her life. I'm at a loss for words. Steve was willing to post this anonymously for me, but I feel like this may be the first step for me making a decision.

Samsung Galaxy Note II

[ScoobySnax]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

It may feel like a honeymoon, but it's just the thrill of being able to do dirt without anyone knowing. This feeling will most likely last right up until you divorce your wife to be with this other woman. The grass is not always greener on the other side man. In your wife you have the mother of your child, a woman you know has your back and supports you, and most importantly the backbone of your family.

Is she (other woman) worth losing everything to be with? You won't be the only one affected by this decision, either. I'm not a believer in divorce, so I may not be the "right" one to give advice.

With that being said, if you have no desire to work things out with your wife, let her know that. Don't lead her on, when you really want to leave. She doesn't deserve that.

Last thing, don't take this as me attacking you (that's the last thing I want to do). I just want to make sure you're not making a decision in haste that you may end up regretting. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do. You'll be in my prayers man.

[Zeppelin8]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

No darkness here, or nothing to be ashamed of. Just some dose of weirdness of mine as a kid:

When I was 5-6 years old, I remember liking one of neighbours, a woman in 30's maybe. Nothing dark about that. Only natural for a little boy. But I sort of remember getting sensations, feelings or whatever through it. I remember getting more sensations using pillows and stuff while imagining her. Still nothing dark about it, but it felt kind of wrong and dark at the time. Funny part is that she was a real MEAN woman, I mean yelling at her kids and stuff. So I liked her more because of that, I think being uptight always makes women something to be desired. I got more about sensations about different women regardless of age, but they will go behind any moral code. Actually they should not, but..

I did some weird stuff playing with my batmans, action-mans whatever they call it nowadays. It felt like a cheap movie, because the action always started in a barber shop. I still could not figure out why I could not leave barber shops out of the scenario. I remember hating getting a hair-cut, so it doesn't add up. Also, the main guy always would be named RALPH for whatever reason, I'm not even a native english speaker. Ralph is something I probably thought was cool.

One failure I had as a kid was eating icecream while walking. I was not that young, almost entering puberty. For whatever reason, I could not do both at the same time. So when we went to buy icecream with other kids, I either walked back real fast so my icecream won't melt, or I just stood around there to finish my ice cream.

Nowadays I stopped liking ''Ralph'', I have a healthy sex-life and I can eat icecream while walking.

[jhogan3132]

My boys are from a previous relationship. I have full custody of them, but she has definitely been a mother to them.

Samsung Galaxy Note II

[baumy300]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

After all of this, I think it's time I post what is probably one of my biggest secrets.

Now, this one is probably going to ruffle some feathers, but... Too bad.

My biggest secret is:

Spoiler

I despise the police.

No, not the band, but the actual police force.

This may be a surprise to some of you since people know I spent 3 years as a law enforcement officer before starting a business.

Before I really get rolling as to why, I want to point out that I am still "cool" with almost all of my former co-workers and that no I wasn't fired or left my job on bad terms to make me think this way. Truth is, I was offered a promotion after I turned my two weeks in. I had great bosses, met some truly good guys, and helped a number of people in my 3 years, BUT... That's only one side of the coin.

My experience is just that. I worked with well over 100 officers/deputies/troopers in my 3 years and I can honestly say that the good cops, the bad cops, the good people, and the bad people all do one thing that makes me just absolutely hate law enforcement - They strongly practice the "Do as I say, not as I do" way of thinking.

A lot of the guys in my department were the true equivalent to frat boys. Whether in their 20's or 30's, they were hard drinking, misbehaving, entitled whiners that were cops 8-10 hours a day and thugs the rest.

I won't name names or link to articles, but one guy I worked with was hired on and placed on the mandatory 6 month probation period.

He waited til he was a few months in, went to a major concert (drinking problem in check) and proceeded to vomit over a whole crowd of people. When security went to ask him to leave he told them he was a cop and he didn't have to. Annnnddd then he got into a physical fight with the real police.

Know what happened to him after being charged with resisting arrest and disorderly conduct? Just 6 months extended probation. That's it. Period.

That's just the small tip of the ice berg.

See, this only encouraged guys from the area with a badge to keep up their hard drinking ways. I can't even begin to tell you how many times groups of off duty cops were kicked out of the local bars for being more belligerent than any group of civilians I have ever seen. I could on with stories all day about how they would get cut off and harass the staff calling them "whores" and screaming in a full bar of people.

It was like clockwork. And the drinking and driving? Yup.

Guys from each department would get hammered out of their minds and drive all over the county, the city, etc...

Before I go any further, I would like to proudly, and I mean it, proudly state I never a one time drove under the influence of alcohol or treated ANY civilian poorly on or off duty while I held a badge. I took it extremely serious and at times felt like I was the only one.

More than ever when I wore a badge did I exercise. I always wanted to take good care of myself regardless of my job. This really bothered some of my coworkers because I was the only person in a somewhat larger department to NOT be overweight. This also meant I would not drink with them, and not just because I was honestly embarrassed to go with them to bars.

Other than the majority of the guys making total asses out of themselves and every other guy that tried to maintain a good image, they also had major character flaws.

There was also a married woman that was "close" to the law enforcement family and seemingly every guy with a wife or even g/f was hittin' it. Sober, drunk, on duty, off duty, didn't matter. And she loved every bit of it. Granted she was not a very good looking woman, she was better than what most guys were married too.

And moving on from there - Both them and even I myself did things that every single member of the general public would have gotten ticketed so fast for that it would make their head spin.

Speeding, driving stupid (on duty) and disobeying every single traffic law for no reason was just a perk of the job. Now, if a civilian did that, it's serious ticket time. Because you know, cops and ****.

One day I was running radar on a highway and my eyes turned the size of ping pong balls! I clocked a vehicle doing 96mph in a 55mph zone.

I lit em' up, turned around on them, walked up to the vehicle and... It was a group of coworkers coming home from their training session. They were laughing and I just shook my head and walked away. Think a cop would do that if one of us got caught speeding even 10 over?

There is just way too much to fit into one post and way too many stories. Some of them are a lot darker than what I've already even said.

One thing I did notice though is the blatant character of so, so many guys I worked with. Half were either bullied all throughout life and wanted that power and the other half did the bullying and wanted to be able to keep doing it. And believe me, I don't want to come off as superior to anyone, but some guys with a badge were people I never, ever would have talked to or hung out with had we not been coworkers - For either reason I mentioned.

I do feel bitter since leaving though. I feel it because this "blue wall" everyone thinks exists is such garbage. Sure we all got along and had each others backs, but not like people think. These people I got to know inside and out are really no better than any one common citizen not committing murder or selling smack. Hell, I'd strongly bet the police commit more crimes than the average citizen. And I don't just mean traffic crimes.

So again, this is just my experience with the groups I worked with, but after talking to officers from other states and way larger departments it sounds like my story is just a joke. I've heard of officers in bigger areas doing things that make my little stories sound like a Disney tale.

And that's what gets me. I see the police as bullies, because I know that very few of us have actually helped people or "bettered" our communities.

Ask a cop, any cop, if he would rather sit down and help someone with directions or arrest someone. Naturally that adrenaline kicks in and that thought of possible "action" comes to mind and they will say "arrest someone!"

And that's my point. Everyone loved to put people in jail, but sometimes they would try way too hard, dig way too deep, and overstep their bounds to see someone go to jail (or try to get him there) or get a ticket than rather just let him go home free if he was doing nothing wrong. There are times to press a person and use your instincts if you think they are hiding something or acting shady, but other times there just isn't anything there to act on and you gotta let the person be... Not every cop is/was like this, but many on that power trip are and it sickens me to watch them even attempt to get away with it.

And my last mini-rant in this story stems from a few weeks back.

I was driving down the highway going 76mph in a 65mph zone. I was speeding and I got pulled over.

I recognized the officer from the local paper. A rookie hired fresh out of the academy and he was definitely one of those guys.

I watch him approach my truck - About 5'6, maybe 5'7 and all of 250lbs. He was busting out of his uniform like 10lbs of **** stuffed into a 5lb bag and if the chip on his shoulder was any more obvious he would have reached over and ate it. So in other words, our typical local law enforcement officer.

So he comes to my window and asks me if I knew why he pulled me over.

I was very polite and said "Yes. I was exceeding the speed limit."

I cooperated and gave him my information.

Of course I got a speeding ticket and it was for 76 in a 65. Now, in my state 75 in a 65 is no points and a fine. The 76mph ticket I got is kind of a slap in the face because even the guys I worked with and even the stricter troopers would give people a little break from time to time to save a point.

Not this guy.

I politely said "76 huh? Not even a break with a clean driving record?"

And his inflated sense of worth was quick to point out my "poor driving"

I was still cool, but then he sarcastically said "Have a nice day."

Now I was upset. I unpolitely told him to have sexual intercourse with himself.

Fast forward to last weekend.

My father and I are driving back from looking at some property down a residential street in town.

About a block ahead of us is a police vehicle going our same direction.

A white pickup is coming down the road facing him and us and violently swerves into the other lane causing the officer to jerk his vehicle to the right.

Right away I thought "My god someone here is really, really dumb" until the truck passed us and I noticed it was another off duty officer.

Now, the other part of the story involves the street we were on. We were still following the guy that was swerved at and he was going down a "T" street. At the end of the street is a busy highway and a stop sign. You either go left or right and merge onto the highway.

This guy (no lights on) blow right through the stop sign onto the highway and whips a u-turn (also illegal) all to.... all to... wait for it....

Go back and talk to his buddy.

So we have one cop doing reckless driving in a residential area, possibly causing two property accidents, and the other not using code and running a stop sign to make an illegal U-turn on a busy highway.

And this is when I just lost it.

Because every single one of you, supporter of this post or not, knows damn well if any of us had done that to a buddy we would be so screwed. The stop sign, the turn, the reckless driving, etc... would all be given to us.

But see, why not them? Is it "safer" to drive like a clown because they are cops? Are only cops able to choose when to screw around near busy highways and residential streets because civilians are too stupid to have the same right?

Someone tell me why it's okay for them.

And what really, really gets me: The guy guy on duty was the guy who gave me a ticket.

He told me I drive "unsafe" because I was going 76mph on a highway (our interstate limit is 75) but he's perfectly cool because he can run stop signs on busy roads and make illegal turns. See how stupid that sounds?

And it happens every day. Cops have a different set of rules than us and it pisses me off because more of them take advantage of it than don't.

I also feel at peace with myself saying this because I treated every single person I came into contact with in my 3 years with respect. I gave people breaks when it was an appropriate time to do so, I helped them if and when I could, and I never used my badge to give me power over anyone that didn't need it to be that way.

So I sit here right now and just laugh at all the boys out there with their complexes, fat wives, false sense of entitlement and "better than thou" mentality while I enjoy my life.

I do wish them all the safety in the world and hope they continue their careers unharmed, but every time I burn the tires off my Camaro or find myself in a situation they would frown upon, I just want them to know that I'm going to do what I'm going to do, and their hypocrisy laden mentality isn't going to do a damn thing to slow me down.



FIGHT THE POWER

[Westlake_88]

I'm 14, and I still pick my nose.

[AC]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually depressed, or just overly sensitive and whiny.

[PVarck31]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

After all of this, I think it's time I post what is probably one of my biggest secrets.

Now, this one is probably going to ruffle some feathers, but... Too bad.

I like to think my dad was a good cop. By all accounts he was. I'm sure he did things that might have been questionable at the least, but I like to not think about that.

One thing I do know is that he pretty much hated all the other cops. He would come home pissed about something that someone did everyday.

When he became chief he had a few people fired for various (basically criminal) things. Turns out one cop who had been there for 20 some years was a freaking drug dealer with his son.

But I do know there are a lot of good cops out there who would risk their lives to keep us safe.

[AndrewGW88]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

After reading through some of the pages I decided to share some as well. I'll start off by saying I'm 19 years old, 20 in September, and I'm not the best at putting my thoughts down in writing so bear with me.

Me and my sister don't have that good of a relationship. We rarely talk to one another and never hang out. We usually fight a lot too. Recently I've wanted to have a strong brother-sister relationship that I see many of my friends having with their siblings but I'm just not sure how to go about it. I've started trying by texting her more than I normally do (I'm in college 4.5 hours from home) but it just feels like I'm forcing it.

I also have a problem opening up to people. Especially more so now than before because of this one girl I work with. Long story short (started awhile back, ended beginning of summer), i liked her more than a friend, she didn't, she knew I did but liked the attention so kept leading me on. I learned of it got pissed and told her i couldn't be just friends with her and now I don't talk to her anymore outside of work. Scary thing to me is that deep down I feel that I still have some sort of feelings for her even though she was the only person I've ever opened up to and she was only using me for the attention. I don't know what my answer would be if she came back and wanted to be more than friends. I know the answer should be no but I don't know if I'd be able to say that. And now I guess I'm just afraid of opening up and letting anyone in my life get as close as I let her get because of what happened.

To lighten my mood up, I'm now going to watch some clips from Key and Peele. Great show if no one has watched it.

[cavsfan2]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

The Kevin Ware injury made me throw up.... I am an extremely squeamish person.

[baumy300]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

I like to think my dad was a good cop. By all accounts he was. I'm sure he did things that might have been questionable at the least, but I like to not think about that.

One thing I do know is that he pretty much hated all the other cops. He would come home pissed about something that someone did everyday.

When he became chief he had a few people fired for various (basically criminal) things. Turns out one cop who had been there for 20 some years was a freaking drug dealer with his son.

But I do know there are a lot of good cops out there who would risk their lives to keep us safe.

Well Phil, just from the stories you have told me your dad sounds like a pretty good guy. There are obviously guys like him in the business and it's a shame I never had a chance to work with too many of them.

Again, this was just my experience in one part of my state with less than 1% of the LE population in our country.

And I won't lie - I deep down believe anywhere from 40-50% of cops everywhere are not good people. Now, that doesn't mean they don't "do their job" or wouldn't help us if we were taken hostage or something, but believe they are the type that believe they should have special privileges and rise "above the law" so to speak.

Luckily I never had the misfortune of having to deal with a co-worker that was selling drugs, but I bet you a hundred bucks there is a cop somewhere on OS that knows of a co-worker doing it.

But like you said, if your dad was upset with his coworkers you know he still had a conscience and some character. I am not the greatest guy in the world and I don't want to come off that way, but I feel like I have that in common with your dad.

It sucks to know the public just waits for you to mess up and it sucks even more when you do your best to set a good example and your co-workers go out and destroy everything you and the others like you try to get going.

[AndrewGW88]

Re: Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

I also feel like adding something else. When I was in middle school I used to not be able to go to school without having my mom take me to the bus stop and wait with me and my sister. Idk why but when she didn't do that my day was pretty terrible. Also in middle school I was terrified at the thought of dying. My parents had me taken to a psychiatrist to help. And honestly even to this day I still have a bad feeling every time I start thinking about what if I was dead or didn't even exist. Although nowadays it's pretty easy for me to stop thinking about it and think about something else. I guess the psychiatrist did his job lol. The weird thing is I can think about the universe and how it came to exist and what if it didn't exist at all. It's only when I'm the subject of it that I have that feeling.