In Need Of Some Serious Advice (Yes. Relationship Issues)

[Jr.]

Re: In Need Of Some Serious Advice (Yes. Relationship Issues)

If he was engaged with this girl, I could see your point as well, H&V. But this is a 6 month relationship.. that's just not long enough in the vast majority of cases to know whether you're "soulmates" or meant to be together or whatever (Personally, I don't believe in those sorts of things).

I think condemning him for allowing himself to reconsider a relationship that obviously meant a lot to him in the past, and one which he admits he never got real closure on, is taking it a little too far.

I agree that it's a good idea for TMagic to break up with the current girl, but that's more because he just doesn't seem that happy rather than the prospect of another relationship.

[NewscasterNews4]

Re: In Need Of Some Serious Advice (Yes. Relationship Issues)

This simple exchange between his ex and him has caused him to consider leaving his current relationship.

That's the exact kind of conversation that's inappripriate when with someone; and the exact kind of result every partner fears.

I respect your opinion and appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. But I challenge anyone that feels the way you do about it to let their current partner read the OP (pretending it was you writing it and not Tmagic).

I personally would leave my fiance if she did this to me and I'd be willing to wager most (not all) partners would do the same.

Can anyone really say with a straight face that these emails are fair to his GF? Like I said earlier, if he wants to consider this than by all means he should; you only live once. But he should let his GF go in the meantime, because she deserves to find her soulmate (and not be with some guy that secretly emails his ex).

She only lives once too.

And honestly if it's not a secret, maybe he should let her read this thread. A single person is hurting NO ONE doing what Tmagic is doing. But in this situation, ONLY ONE person could possibly get hurt. And that's his GF. She deserves better than that.

But he was already considering leaving his ex anyways before he started this thread. And technically these emails are fair to his gf because all TMagic wants to do is to get closure (at least that's what I think), not to cheat on his current girl with his ex.

Plus if you use the YOLO theory, TMagic wants to make sure he handles this the best he can, and OS gives out great advice. Even still, the advice is just guidance rather than "this is what you have to do."

[bigeastbumrush]

Re: In Need Of Some Serious Advice (Yes. Relationship Issues)

It's extremely naive to think your gf/fiance/wife has absolutely no contact with any of their exes, and it's unhealthy if you'd expect that. He's not having "secret conversations". I don't need to tell my girl that my ex sent me an email. My girl doesn't need to tell me that her ex hit her up on facebook.

If you trust the person you're with they should be able to interact with whoever they want without your permission. What you're talking about is the actions... type of interaction. If he was talking about sleeping with his ex while he has a girl, then you'd have a point. Personally, considering the situation, I give him props for being a man and thinking everything all the way through. No offense, but you sound bitter about your situation... maybe you should be, but you shouldn't be taking that out on TMagic and everyone else in this thread.

It's a complete lack of respect to not tell your current partner that your ex has been in contact with you.

It has absolutely nothing to do with giving/getting permission.

You should be secure enough to be able to tell them.

[ProfessaPackMan]

Re: In Need Of Some Serious Advice (Yes. Relationship Issues)

Responses in Bold

Having secret contact with his ex behind his GF's back is a good place to start. How would you feel if your GF/fiance/wife was doing this to you? This isn't about me but to answer this hypothetical, the only person I would be mad at is myself because it obviously means I am not doing something right if she's communicating with their ex on more than a "Hi, how are you? Ok good, take care".


Every person not criticizing this behavior and pleading with him to tell his GF immediately is giving him advice he should ignore. Don't beleive me? Ask any couples councilor how they professionally feel about transparancy in relationships. People have already said he should leave the Ex alone and to not get "tempted by nostalgia". So again, what exactly should we criticizing for when we've already done it? Or were those criticisms not harsh enough for you? Serious question, not even trying to be smart or disrespectful.

I've been the OP's GF in this situation. I was horribly traumatized and am man enough to admit it. It's my perspective. I'm not adding anything to my posts for the sake of flair. I'm sure it wasn't your intent, but they did come off as if T-Magic just committed one of the worst crimes ever done by a 25 y/o.

I'll give you that much. I should and will read more. But the advice on the first three pages is wreckless.

Yeah, please do that lol. Still not sure how the advice on the first 3 pages were "wreckless" when people were telling him to just leave it alone and to not even entertain her but OK.

[kehlis]

Re: In Need Of Some Serious Advice (Yes. Relationship Issues)

This simple exchange between his ex and him has caused him to consider leaving his current relationship.

No, this simple exchange did not cause him to consider leaving his current relationship.


Sorry man but you really lived up to the "holier than thou" preface in your first post here.

If this exchange caused him to realize he might be more happy otherwise then it's a good thing for both him and his current GF.

You are also assuming that he doesn't know its unfair to his current GF.

Life isn't always fair, and sometimes things happen to make people realize they aren't happy in their current situation.

He came and posted this here for advise, no different than if he went to his friends and talked to them about it in person. The difference here is it can be an ongoing conversation and he will get viewpoints here that might be more objective than those of his best friends.


Sorry if this hits too close to home but sometimes it takes something like this to realize he isn't happy currently.

Is it fair? Not to anyone, including him, but that's life.



And to your whole point of living a "moral life" by not chatting with your ex's that is complete bull****.

I keep in touch with several of mine who are both married now. They were a big part of my life at one point and I still consider them friends. I'm sorry if your ex's didn't end it well with you but lumping people into one group based on your past is complete crap.

[NDAlum]

Re: In Need Of Some Serious Advice (Yes. Relationship Issues)

All I'm going to say that morality, relationships, trust, and everything else doesn't have some magical cookie cutter answer that applies to everyone.

[Fresh Tendrils]

Re: In Need Of Some Serious Advice (Yes. Relationship Issues)

If he's trying to figure things out for himself he may as well be single. I really wouldn't want to be in a steady relationship with someone and have them figuring things out with their ex when that should be firmly planted in the past. These conversations aren't innocent, friendly catching up pieces, but sounds like the start to jumping ship. I think everyone in here would like to be respected enough to know if their partner was having those kinds of conversations.

[kingkilla56]

Re: In Need Of Some Serious Advice (Yes. Relationship Issues)

As for your current, you are probably better off ending that now. It sounds like you have mentally checked out of that relationship, especially if your ex contacts you and your current relationship instantly becomes in jeopardy. You would be doing you and your girlfriend a favor at this point. She will hate you and it will get messy but shes young she will survive. Its been 6 months.

As for your ex, once I read the "she went to Italy and smashed a dude" paragraph all I kept hearing in my head was a certain Young Dro song over and over again. I would advise to stay away but something about your responses in the thread have me thinking you wont do that lol.

I wish you luck man.

[TMagic]

In Need Of Some Serious Advice (Yes. Relationship Issues)

I think whats mainly being misinterpreted here is that I and others are saying that I should stay with my current while simultaneously entertaining my ex surreptitiously. Then, after Ive seen my ex, decide what I want to do with my current.

Thats not the case at all.

I have always seen the options Ive had and that have been suggested by the awesome fellas of OS were...

A) Stay with my current. Dont even entertain the ex.

B) Drop the current. Then open things back up with the ex.

(And C, drop both. Lol)

There is no way I would go and try to rekindle things with my ex while being with my current.

And before anyone jumps in to say, "you have been doing her wrong. Its not fair to your current."

...Its literally been about a week. Basically, when I started this thread, that Ive entertained the thought of getting back with my ex. Shes sent me a few emails in that time. Thats it.

On my end, Ive emailed her "what do you want?" and "whats changed?" Again. Just in the last week or so. Nothing about what Im feeling towards her. Nothing about how Im feeling about my current. No constant back and forth. No texts. No phone calls. No meet ups. Nothing. Now If that makes me a horrible person...

Ive just needed time to gather my thoughts. I dont think that calls for an immediate break up (though that is what is likely to happen).

OS is a great place to seek advice. Which is why I sought some of you alls opinions. Lots of experience here. Older guys. Younger guys. We all have been through a lot. So there is plenty of wisdom here that can be shared to give someone like me some perspective.

So Im open to everyones opinion. And its fine to say that you dont think Im going about it the right way. But coming on here to call out myself and other OSers I feel is a little unnecessary and doesnt aid in the discussion (Not directed at you Tendrils).

[phillyfan23]

Re: In Need Of Some Serious Advice (Yes. Relationship Issues)

If he was engaged with this girl, I could see your point as well, H&V. But this is a 6 month relationship.. that's just not long enough in the vast majority of cases to know whether you're "soulmates" or meant to be together or whatever (Personally, I don't believe in those sorts of things).

I think condemning him for allowing himself to reconsider a relationship that obviously meant a lot to him in the past, and one which he admits he never got real closure on, is taking it a little too far.

I agree that it's a good idea for TMagic to break up with the current girl, but that's more because he just doesn't seem that happy rather than the prospect of another relationship.

So what if it's 6 months? people fall in love sometimes after ONE month. What Tmagic is doing is completely unfair to his current GF. It's obvious he's justifying his plan to leave her, but man up break up THEN explore your options.

Chances are, current GF won't last long either way, if she was the "one" you wouldn't bat an eye at your ex gf. But, that's now how it is....

MAN UP, Break up, then explore with your ex.

[kehlis]

Re: In Need Of Some Serious Advice (Yes. Relationship Issues)

MAN UP, Break up, then explore with your ex.

Not sure if you've read much of the thread or not but that is what he's proposing.....

[wwharton]

Re: In Need Of Some Serious Advice (Yes. Relationship Issues)

This simple exchange between his ex and him has caused him to consider leaving his current relationship.

That's the exact kind of conversation that's inappripriate when with someone; and the exact kind of result every partner fears.

I respect your opinion and appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. But I challenge anyone that feels the way you do about it to let their current partner read the OP (pretending it was you writing it and not Tmagic).

I personally would leave my fiance if she did this to me and I'd be willing to wager most (not all) partners would do the same.

Can anyone really say with a straight face that these emails are fair to his GF? Like I said earlier, if he wants to consider this than by all means he should; you only live once. But he should let his GF go in the meantime, because she deserves to find her soulmate (and not be with some guy that secretly emails his ex).

She only lives once too.

And honestly if it's not a secret, maybe he should let her read this thread. A single person is hurting NO ONE doing what Tmagic is doing. But in this situation, ONLY ONE person could possibly get hurt. And that's his GF. She deserves better than that.

I think TMagic summed it up perfectly but I still wanted to response since I know my first response to you was kind of harsh.

It seems like the picture in your head is that he was in a great, healthy relationship and then decided to flirt with his ex over email/fb to the point that now he's considering ending his current situation. I think he's been pretty clear that that's far from the case. If anything I think there are separate questions here. Question 1 is whether he should continue on this path with his current GF considering he doesn't feel a strong connection after 6 months. The second, is whether or not he should entertain rekindling something with a person he thought was his soulmate (which is something he currently is not doing and appears to have been even running from a bit).

I don't think one person supported an idea of dealing with these things together. Whatever the advice given, the universal response is that the current situation doesn't appear to be headed anywhere. I personally said if he is happy then he should be focused 100% on his current GF, and even if meeting with his ex for closure, should have confirmed this before that happened... and I know that was within the first 3 pages of this thread.

We can agree to disagree, but your thought process has you headed for controlling relationships that are unhealthy. Partners are more apt to lie and hide things in those situations. Personally, I'd be more suspicious if my girl randomly told me she got an email from an ex.

It's a complete lack of respect to not tell your current partner that your ex has been in contact with you.

It has absolutely nothing to do with giving/getting permission.

You should be secure enough to be able to tell them.

I'm friends with a number of my ex's. Others I have been friends with until I/we realized she couldn't handle the roll of being a friend. If you can't trust people to make adult decisions you shouldn't be in relationships with them. More importantly, if you have to protect yourself from yourself then they shouldn't be in a relationship with you.

[Phobia]

Re: In Need Of Some Serious Advice (Yes. Relationship Issues)

I agree with Wharton pretty much across the board. Your significant other can't be locked away from the world because you fear being "burnt" again. Your women and you will interact with the opposite sex day in and day out so a "spark" or some kind of interest can happen with ANYONE not only your ex. So you have to have trust in your partner.

Now with that said I don't believe Tmagic has broken any moral rule. The Ex hit him up and he tried to figure out why, only wrong doings would be if he pursued anything with her while with the current girl.

One thing I do know, him second guessing the current girl already means he should call it quits. Don't waste your time or hers plus further investment. Back out, regather what you want in a girl, if you are ready for a serious relationship, THEN go back into the dating game. Just stay away from original ex, you going to end up like H&L (no offense meant H&L, mean on the fear angle of being burnt).


Sent from da lil phone.

[Cusefan]

Re: In Need Of Some Serious Advice (Yes. Relationship Issues)

Offering any advice here seems silly to me, I don't know either girl or Magic so my opinion means nothing. I think the best advice anyone can offer is just do what you think is best. Follow your heart, at least if you do that you will have no regrets about what might have been.

[GAMEC0CK2002]

Re: In Need Of Some Serious Advice (Yes. Relationship Issues)

Where is TarHeelMan ? I'm sure he'd had some colorful and insightful words of wisdom to share.