Re: Joke Thread
Man.... that joke had shades of Norm MacDonald's moth joke!
Man.... that joke had shades of Norm MacDonald's moth joke!
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Re: Joke Thread
Haha. There's an origin now! Someone come up with a good one for the chicken crossing the road and we can /thread"It may well be that we spectators, who are not divinely gifted as athletes, are the only ones able to truly see, articulate and animate the experience of the gift we are denied. And that those who receive and act out the gift of athletic genius must, perforce, be blind and dumb about it -- and not because blindness and dumbness are the price of the gift, but because they are its essence." - David Foster Wallace
"You'll not find more penny-wise/pound-foolish behavior than in Major League Baseball." - Rob NeyerComment
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Re: Joke Thread
There's a nice one along these line like 4 comments down on the reddit post that comes from.
A Priest, Rabbi, and Atheist walk in to a bar and each ask for a drink.
The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdained, points to a sign clearly lebeled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE
Without a fight The Atheist, Rabbi and Priest all leave the bar, heads hanging.
The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.
Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches asks the chicken, "Are you part of a joke?"
"Yeah." the chicken replies.
Again, he points to the sign": NO JOKES SERVED HERE.
The chicken argues: "Well then, where the hell am I supposed to wet my beak around here?!"
The bartender moves his pointed finger from the sign, to the door.
"There's another bar across the road."
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comme..._watching_mtv/Comment
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Re: Joke Thread
Man says to his wife: 'Pack your bags, I've won the lottery.' She says: 'What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?' He says: 'We're going nowhere. Just pack your bags and **** off.'Comment
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Re: Joke Thread
Since this thread got bumped, I've probably got to get a Norwegian joke in here:
One night, Ole and Swen were out drinking and decided that they'd drive home on their snowmobiles. That turned out to be a mistake, and they died and went to Hell.
In Hell, there was fire, crying, weeping, gnashing of teeth, the whole nine yards. Satan was very pleased with this, and so, when he found Ole and Swen standing around, chatting, happy as could be, he was a little perplexed. He looked at Ole and asked, "Why are you guys so happy? Don't you see how miserable it is here?" Ole answered him, "Oh, well, you know, we're from northern Minnesota and it's pretty rare that we get days as nice as this one up there. Gotta take 'em when you can get 'em!"
Well, Satan was furious about this, and, that night, he was scheming, trying to figure out how to make these two fools miserable. Eventually, he decides that he'll turn up the heat a little bit. They like it hot? He'll make it even hotter!
So, the next morning, Satan wakes up to the wonderful sounds of crying and moaning and yelling and screaming that he so loves, and he decides to check on Ole and Swen. When he gets to their room, he opens the door to find Ole and Swen, sitting around in light jackets and stocking caps, frying up fish and drinking beer, just as happy as can be. Satan is furious with this and says "What is the matter with you guys?! How are you so happy?!" Ole looks at him and says, "Well, you know, we're from northern Minnesota and up there we don't get days like this too often, so we figured we'd have ourselves a nice fish fry."
That night, Satan was in his office, pacing back and forth, absolutely steaming mad, trying to come up with a way to make these two guys as miserable as everybody else. And finally, he comes up with the best idea he's ever had. He decides that if they like the heat so much, he'll turn down the temperature. He'll make it so cold that they won't even know what to do with themselves.
Well, the next morning, Satan wakes up to hear his favorite sounds again. Everyone in Hell is miserable. There are icicles everywhere, people are shivering, so cold they can't even think. So, Satan goes to Ole and Swen's room to claim his well-earned victory. He gets there and opens the door and before he can get a word out, he sees Ole and Swen, whooping and hollering, jumping up and down on the beds, pumping their fists, just as happy as you've ever seen 'em!
Satan is beside himself with anger. He looks at Ole and Swen and says "WHAT is the matter with you guys?!?!? It's hot in hell. You like that. I make it hotter, you like that more. So, I turn down the temperature and you're more happy than ever?!? What gives?!?!
And Ole looks at Satan and says...
SpoilerMLB: Minnesota Twins
NFL: Philadelphia Eagles
NBA: Chicago Bulls, Minnesota Timberwolves
European Football: Manchester United, Brighton & Hove Albion
NCAA: UNI Panthers, Iowa Hawkeyes
Twitter: @mbless625Comment
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"It may well be that we spectators, who are not divinely gifted as athletes, are the only ones able to truly see, articulate and animate the experience of the gift we are denied. And that those who receive and act out the gift of athletic genius must, perforce, be blind and dumb about it -- and not because blindness and dumbness are the price of the gift, but because they are its essence." - David Foster Wallace
"You'll not find more penny-wise/pound-foolish behavior than in Major League Baseball." - Rob NeyerComment
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Re: Joke Thread
The game warden
A redneck was stopped by a game warden just north of Kentucky’s Lake Cumberland recently with two ice chests of fish.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, whut?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"-= Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.=- Edward MurphyComment
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Re: Joke Thread
How do you make a tissue dance and wiggle?
Put a little boogie in it.
Originally posted by Gibson88Comment
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Re: Joke Thread
The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you.-= Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.=- Edward MurphyComment
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Re: Joke Thread
I have posted this other places, but I don't think anywhere on OS, but if I did, sorry. This is best told by the incomparable Gary Muledeer, a very underrated comic in his time. This is probably the best golf joke I've ever heard:
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/A0kdBDwNddc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Comment
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Re: Joke Thread
The store, New Husbands where a woman may go to choose a husband has just recently opened. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
''That''s nice,'' she thinks, ''but I want more.''
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
''Wow,'' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...
''Oh, mercy me!'' she exclaims, ''I can hardly stand it!''
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Spoiler
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PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store''s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules. (READ ON)
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer .
SpoilerComment
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Re: Joke Thread
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed
and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the
door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be
getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not
reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the
stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had
been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she
was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs
and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
SpoilerComment
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Re: Joke Thread
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this outrageous response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. She turns quickly away and queries another student.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
SpoilerComment
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Re: Joke Thread
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' "
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.Comment
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