Joke Thread

[Hawaii_Stars]

Re: Joke Thread

What do you call a bunch of young guys with tattoos watching all the bowl games?

Spoiler

Ohio State Buckeyes

[mb625]

Re: Joke Thread

Where did little Johnny go after the explosion?

Spoiler

Everywhere.

[DickDalewood]

Re: Joke Thread

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Spoiler

She has no arms.

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"

Spoiler

Not Sally.

[~LiverpoolRed~]

Re: Joke Thread

Had a fight with an erection this morning.

I beat it single handedly.


.................................................. ......................

Pope Resigns.

True Catholic pulls out early.

[Blzer]

Re: Joke Thread

[TheMatrix31]

Re: Joke Thread

An old guy picks up a hooker.
He takes her up an alley. He drops his pants.
The hooker says, "I gotta have the money first."
He pays her; she runs away.
He stands there.
He says, "Well...it shouldn't be a total loss, I'll take a ****."

[Curahee]

Re: Joke Thread

This one is a bit long so I'll Spoiler it.

Spoiler

As an Honor Guard bagpiper, I play many gigs for other people. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a county cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

[WTF]

Re: Joke Thread

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

Lol

[DaveDQ]

Re: Joke Thread

THREE LEGGED DOG walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What brings you to these parts, boy?" Dog says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my PAW."

[mgoblue]

Re: Joke Thread

THREE LEGGED DOG walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What brings you to these parts, boy?" Dog says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my PAW."

Lol, I love stupid jokes like this!

[DaveDQ]

Re: Joke Thread

I have a friend who's addicted to brake fluid, but he claims he can stop at any time.

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

Gonna have to use the prisoner one above soon! good one!

Ok...I can't believe I didn't post this one earlier, but searched as my memory sucks


A salesman comes upon this farm and while on his way to the farmer's door he notices a pig with a peg leg out in the pen with the other pigs. He greets the farmer, explaining his desire to show him his product, but quickly changes to querying the farmer. "I am anxious to show you my line, but I really have to ask you first, what's with the pig with the peg leg?"

The farmer proudly replies, "O son, let me tell you about this pig. This is a great pig! This is a brave pig! My daughter was out playing in the cornfields... the combine was coming right for her and the pig saw this and quickly ran out, grabbed her and saved from a sure death!"

"Ya, but what about the peg leg?", the salesman asked again.

"Oh let me tell you about my pig.... this is a wonderful pig...this is a great pig! My son fell down the well and my pig, after hearing his cries for help, quickly ran over to the well, dropped the bucket down and cranked the wheel bringing him back up to safety as he would have surely drowned!"

"Ya, but what about the peg leg?"

"Well, this is a great pig, this is a marvelous pig! One night, the house caught on fire and before it could get out of control, my pig busted into the house through the window, ran around squealing at the top of his lungs, woke us all up and I was able to put out the fire, saving my family and my house. This is some kind of pig! This is a wonderful pig!

"Ya... but.... what... about .... the .... peg..... leg???"

The farmer replied, "well.....

Spoiler

... a pig this great..... you don't wanna eat him all at once."

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

Went out to dinner the other night and heard this one.....


Seeing as how we made contact with the Martians over the past few years, it was time to really try to connect the cultures, so Earth decided to send up a representative couple to meet with a Martian couple. Soon after the meeting took place, the Martian couple proposed that they wife swap in order to truly get an intimate understanding of all aspects of each others' worlds. With some hesitation the Earth couple agreed and the new couples each went their way.

The Earth woman and Martian man found themselves in their new bedroom accommodations. After some initial nervous moments, the Earth woman finally said, "ok, we might as well get to this..... why don't you drop your pants?" The Martian man complies, revealing a not so impressive display. The Earth women exclaims, "Is that it! Is that all you have!" He replies, "well wait, you need to tap on my forehead several times." She does so and he quadruples his length! She then says, "well, not bad, but that's awfully thin!" The Martian man again instructs, "no, no, you need to tug gently on my ears a couple of times." Again she complies and to her delight, he fills out quite impressively. The evening then carries on........

The next day upon returning to their respective spouses, the Earth couples debrief each other. The Earth man inquires, "so, how was your night?" She replies, "a little slow at first, but I gotta say it was quite satisfying.... QUITE satisfying." She asks, "how about you?" The Earth man replies....

Spoiler

"Well, it was slow to start too.... then this Martian chick starts smackin' the crap out of my head and pullin' on my ears like there's no tomorrow!!"

[Happy29]

Re: Joke Thread

An Alabama fan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Alabama baby boy weighing 25 pounds . Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Alabama fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home. Gonna be a Crimson Tide football player." Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that Alabama baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Alabama father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

Heard this on Imus the other morning..... so many of you may have already heard it:

The guys sees an ad in the paper: "Talking dog -- $10". He gains the address and proceeds to the owner's house.

"Is the dog still available?" he inquires of the owner.

"Sure," replies the owner, "he's out back... go ahead and talk to him."

So the guy walks out back and sees the dog mulling around the yard.

"How ya doin'?" asks the guy. "Eh, I'm alright." replies the dog.

"So what do you do when you're not hanging out in your yard?" he inquires.

"Well, because of my skill, I've been over to Afghanistan working for the Army. I go into town and just sort of walk around innocently, gathering intel. Then I come back to the commanders and let them know what they're up to."

"Wow!", exclaims the guy, "that's pretty cool!"

The dog says, "Yeah. I've done it in Iraq, too."

"Amazing!" says the guy. "I'm gonna go talk to your owner!"

So he runs back in the house, rushing up to the owner excitedly, "wow, great dog! So why is he only $10?"

The owner say,

Spoiler

"Well .... because he's a liar."