Joke Thread

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

Maybe you already got this one in your e-mail.....



I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.

[baumy300]

Re: Joke Thread

NSFW

Spoiler

A new employee was on the job during his first day at a sex toy shop. The owner decided to let him work the counter during his lunch break and told him, "don't challenge anyone on what they want to buy. The customer is always right." The employee enthusiastically responded, "you can count on me boss!".

Soon after, a Black girl walks in and up to the counter, points to the shelf and says, " I want to buy that black dildo". The employee rings it up and sends her on her way.

Then, an Asian girl walks up to the counter, points to the shelf and says, "I want to buy that yellow dildo". The employee rings it up and sends her on her way as well.

Just prior to the owner returning from lunch, a Polish girl walks up to the counter, points to the shelf and says, "I want to buy that plaid dildo". The employee rings it up and sends her on her way also.

The owner returns anxiously from lunch, wondering how his new employee handled his responsibilities. "So, how'd it go? Did you make any sales?"

Spoiler

The employee proudly responded, "You bet I did? I sold 2 dildos and your thermos!!"

(and it's legal for me to tell this joke....my maternal grandparents were Polish!

Haha man it took me so long to find out the punchline was in your spoiler.

I was all like "I don't even get it"

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

Gotta see this one....by the incomparable Buddy Hackett. After you listen to the joke, back it up and watch the whole clip.... Buddy does a classic routine as only he can do it.


Buddy Bar Joke

[mb625]

Re: Joke Thread

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, "Of course."

To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn't hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.

When they reach the ninth fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green.

After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.

"Of course," says the old man, "when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."

[TripleCrown9]

Re: Joke Thread

Two men walk into a bar. The first man says "I'll take an H2O". The second man says, "I'll take an H2O, too". The second man is dead now.

[TripleCrown9]

Re: Joke Thread

One day, a cop was driving down the highway when a car zipped past him going the other way. So he did his job and proceeded to pull the vehicle over.

As he approached the window, a nice-looking lady smiled up at him. "Can I see your license and registration, ma'am?", he asked politely. She replied, "Oh I don't have my license. It was suspended for too many DUIs". "Well, what about some registration?" he said, slightly confused. "No I don't have that either, this car is stolen. I don't know the owner's name, but he's chopped up in a few pieces in the trunk."

At this point, the officer is terrified. "Ma'am, please stay in the car while I call some backup." "Sure thing, sir", she replied as kindly as ever.

When the second car arrived, the first officer retold the entire story. After a few moments, officer 2 calmly approached the driver and asked why she didn't have a license.

"Oh, I do, sir. It's right here.", she said as she handed it to him, "and here's my registration as well." After a quick glance at his partner, he says, "Um...ok...Ma'am can you please open your trunk?" With a concerned look, she replies "No problem". He goes to the back of the car and opens the trunk, but he sees absolutely nothing!

He returns to the window, and says "Excuse me miss, but the other officer told me that you didn't have a license or registration and how you had a dead body in the trunk and personally I'm not seeing any of that to be true."

After a quick glance at the other officer in her side mirror, she said "I bet that ******* told you I was speeding, too!"

[PhilliesFan13]

Re: Joke Thread

2 old friends meet in heaven...

SYLVIA: Hi Wanda.

WANDA: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

I thought I posted this one, but I don't think so.....


This guy is driving down the street sportin' his brand new silver GTA Spano....feelin' pretty cool. When he comes to a red light, a 12 year old kid pulls up next to him on the driver's side, marveling at the car.

"Hey mister!! Cool car!! I bet it goes real fast!! I can go real fast on my bike too!! Wanna race??"

The guy sneers at the kid and says, "get outta here kid" and peels out once the light turns green, punching it up to 50 mph in no time flat. The guy thinks to himself, "hah.. I bet that kid is real impressed now!"

Just then, he looks in his rear view mirror and sees something comin' up on him.... fast! He decides to slam on the breaks, yelling out, "holy crap, what is that!?" The object zooms by him and he suddenly realizes, yelling out again, "wow, it's that kid on his bike!!" The kid comes screaming back toward him, and passes him again, just as fast!! The guy is amazed! He sees the kid once again coming up on him with lightening speed, but this time he smashes head on into the back of the guy's Spano.

The guy rushes out to the kid's aid, while exclaiming, "kid, kid, are you ok?? That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen!!!" The kid struggles to say, yeah, yeah, I think I'm alright." The guy worriedly askes, "is there anything I can do for you....anything??"

The kid replies,

Spoiler

"Yeah, you can unhook my ****ing suspenders from your side view mirror."

[raiderphantom]

Re: Joke Thread

http://www.dontevenreply.com/all.php

I think this guy is hilarious. An a-hole, but still funny as hell.

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

http://www.dontevenreply.com/all.php

I think this guy is hilarious. An a-hole, but still funny as hell.

Right.....but what's your joke??

(although the fish tank one is damn good!)

[raiderphantom]

Re: Joke Thread

Right.....but what's your joke??

(although the fish tank one is damn good!)

Ha when I think of one worthy I will post it! Nobody wants to hear a bad joke

[USNAggie44]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/all.php

I think this guy is hilarious. An a-hole, but still funny as hell.

These made me laugh so hard, my top 3 are movie one, ranch worker, and the guys that orders rocks

[raiderphantom]

Re: Joke Thread

These made me laugh so hard, my top 3 are movie one, ranch worker, and the guys that orders rocks

I haven't read them in a while, but the rocks one was hilarious, and i couldnt breathe after reading the one about weapons for sale. I gotta go back and read them. This guy is a genius.

[AC]

Re: Joke Thread

http://www.dontevenreply.com/all.php

I think this guy is hilarious. An a-hole, but still funny as hell.

http://textastrophe.com/

Same kind of site, definitely really funny too.

[raiderphantom]

Re: Joke Thread

http://textastrophe.com/

Same kind of site, definitely really funny too.

LOL I saw that coming with the grill, still dying over here