Joke Thread

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

A guy was stranded on a desert island with only a pig and a dog. Several months went by and he was feeling the pangs of having no female companionship. He started looking at the pig and thought, "hmm, not bad." So, he started making a move on the pig, but each time he did the dog would bark and growl ferociously and pull him off. Every day went by and he'd try to sneak a little hug or kiss toward the pig, but each time the dog, ever watchful, grabbed him off gnarling and grrr'ing. He said to himself, "what am I going to do? This is soooo frustrating..... wait, I know, I'll let the dog fall asleep and then I'll make my move. So later that night, after the dog fell asleep, he lined up a little dinner atmosphere for the two of them. He slapped a little rogue and lipstick on the pig and invited her over to the table near the candlelights. But just as he went to make his move, the dog sniffed this out and went tearing over to them, pulling him off the pig. He was at wits' end!

A few days later a single man boat crashes up on the shoreline and out from the wreckage pops this tall,gorgeous, centerfold, voluptuous, model looking blonde!! Excitedly he runs full speed at her and starts yelling, "OH MAN THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.........!!!"















Can you get over here and hold this damn dog back for me!!!

[Happy29]

Re: Joke Thread

I got thrown out of a pool once for peein in it...I told the lifeguard that everyone pees in the pool...and he said yeah I know but not from the diving board!!!!

[DaveDQ]

Re: Joke Thread

So DaveDQ is on lunch break with his friends, opens his lunch and says, "Aw...tuna. If I get tuna one more time this week I'm throwing my lunch into the river."

The next day, DaveDQ is at lunch break again with his friends. Friend one opens his lunch and says, "Yummy, egg salad..." Friend two opens his lunch and says, "Yummy, turkey..."

DaveDQ doesn't even open his lunch. He stands up and flings it into the river. His friends ask, "What are you doing...you didn't even check to see if it was tuna?"

DaveDQ says, "Ohh, I know it was tuna. I make my lunch every morning."

[jake44np]

Re: Joke Thread

A guy was stranded on a desert island with only a pig and a dog. Several months went by and he was feeling the pangs of having no female companionship. He started looking at the pig and thought, "hmm, not bad." So, he started making a move on the pig, but each time he did the dog would bark and growl ferociously and pull him off. Every day went by and he'd try to sneak a little hug or kiss toward the pig, but each time the dog, ever watchful, grabbed him off gnarling and grrr'ing. He said to himself, "what am I going to do? This is soooo frustrating..... wait, I know, I'll let the dog fall asleep and then I'll make my move. So later that night, after the dog fell asleep, he lined up a little dinner atmosphere for the two of them. He slapped a little rogue and lipstick on the pig and invited her over to the table near the candlelights. But just as he went to make his move, the dog sniffed this out and went tearing over to them, pulling him off the pig. He was at wits' end!

A few days later a single man boat crashes up on the shoreline and out from the wreckage pops this tall,gorgeous, centerfold, voluptuous, model looking blonde!! Excitedly he runs full speed at her and starts yelling, "OH MAN THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.........!!!"















Can you get over here and hold this damn dog back for me!!!

BOO! (Throws tomatoe)

[~LiverpoolRed~]

Re: Joke Thread

Two tramps are walking through the park when one finds an unopened tin of baked beans. All excited he whips out his swiss army knife, opens the tin and begins to gulp down the beans. Halfway through he realises his greediness and turns to his mate..."Sorry mate, do you want some?" he asks"No, it"s ok... I don"t like beans" replies the friend.When he"s finished they set off walking again and after about 5 minutes the 1st tramp starts throwing up. There"s beans everywhere.His mate drops to the floor and starts licking up the freshly vomited beans.1st tramp says "Eh... I thought you didn"t like beans"His mate replies "I don"t miss the chance of a hot meal, either!"

[CMH]

Re: Joke Thread

So DaveDQ is on lunch break with his friends, opens his lunch and says, "Aw...tuna. If I get tuna one more time this week I'm throwing my lunch into the river."

The next day, DaveDQ is at lunch break again with his friends. Friend one opens his lunch and says, "Yummy, egg salad..." Friend two opens his lunch and says, "Yummy, turkey..."

DaveDQ doesn't even open his lunch. He stands up and flings it into the river. His friends ask, "What are you doing...you didn't even check to see if it was tuna?"

DaveDQ says, "Ohh, I know it was tuna. I make my lunch every morning."

This one made me laugh. Haha.

[Speedy]

Re: Joke Thread

Spoiler

**Dirty Joke**

Spoiler

A man was feeling pretty bad and decided to go to the doctor to get it checked out. The Doc stated, "Sir, you've only 6 months to live." The guy freaked out and decided to get another opinion.

So, he went to another doc and was told, "Sir, you've got 90 days to live, you better get everything in order." The guy was really worried, he lost 3 months in the span of a couple of days! He decided to get yet another opinion.

The third doctor checked him out thoroughly and for what seemed like hours. After he was finally finished, the doc asked the man, "Have you ever heard of mud baths, you know, like at the spas and such?" [the man nodded his head] "Have you ever taken one before" [the man shaked his head no] "Well I suggest you start taking 2-3 every week for the next month, maybe even 4 if you can."

The man was appaled, thinking he can finally get everything cleansed but it was such an odd prescription. "Why do I need to take a mud bath?" the man asked. "So you can get used to the dirt...sir." replied the doc.

Spoiler

Dirty, right?

[ScoobySnax]

Re: Joke Thread

Two tramps are walking through the park when one finds an unopened tin of baked beans. All excited he whips out his swiss army knife, opens the tin and begins to gulp down the beans. Halfway through he realises his greediness and turns to his mate..."Sorry mate, do you want some?" he asks"No, it"s ok... I don"t like beans" replies the friend.When he"s finished they set off walking again and after about 5 minutes the 1st tramp starts throwing up. There"s beans everywhere.His mate drops to the floor and starts licking up the freshly vomited beans.1st tramp says "Eh... I thought you didn"t like beans"His mate replies "I don"t miss the chance of a hot meal, either!"

[Happy29]

Re: Joke Thread

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will
soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi
Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as
a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad campaign
suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a
stiff one."

[Happy29]

Re: Joke Thread

The elderly couple

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can
I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he
then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married
and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here
for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's
office."

[CMH]

Re: Joke Thread

Dirty, but I like it. I'm tempted to try this when I'm 67.

[~LiverpoolRed~]

Re: Joke Thread

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girlfriends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the irish father, "irish father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me." The irish father said, "Tell me who the lady was." The lad said he couldn't do that and the irish father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.
"Was it Mollie O'Grady ?" asked the irish father."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Kelly?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"
"No."
"Well then," said the irish father, "You'll not be forgiven."
When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"

[Happy29]

Re: Joke Thread

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A northern fairytale begins with : "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins with: "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."

[Happy29]

Re: Joke Thread

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the United States!

[jake44np]

Re: Joke Thread

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girlfriends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the irish father, "irish father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me." The irish father said, "Tell me who the lady was." The lad said he couldn't do that and the irish father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.
"Was it Mollie O'Grady ?" asked the irish father."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Kelly?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"
"No."
"Well then," said the irish father, "You'll not be forgiven."
When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"

This one is posted about 2 or 3 pages back except it is young school boys going to confession.