Joke Thread

[Jr.]

Re: Joke Thread

Why do cows wear bells?

Spoiler

Because their horns don't work

[AussieChiefsFan]

Re: Joke Thread

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.' The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'


The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. 'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'


Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ; 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

[Happy29]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.' The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'


The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. 'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'


Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ; 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

That is funny, you can't get an ice cream cone for fifty cents.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD

[Rexis]

Re: Joke Thread

That is funny, you can't get an ice cream cone for fifty cents.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD

Pedantry

Who's to say he didn't have two extra quarters in his pocket?

[AussieChiefsFan]

Re: Joke Thread

I was talking to a guy in the line at the store. The conversation got around to wives, and he said he had been widowed three times. I said "Three wives, all dead and buried?" He said "Yes."
"What happened to the first one?"
"Poison Mushrooms."
"What happened to the second one?"
"Poison Mushrooms."
"And the third?"
"Fractured skull."
"How did that happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the Poison Mushrooms."

[~LiverpoolRed~]

Re: Joke Thread

I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

[AussieChiefsFan]

I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

Sounds like something Ricky garvais would say

-Sent from my HTC Incredible S using Tapatalk

[~LiverpoolRed~]

Re: Joke Thread

Sounds like something Ricky garvais would say

-Sent from my HTC Incredible S using Tapatalk

It was actually Peter Kay. British comedian (my favorite)

[AussieChiefsFan]

Re: Joke Thread

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, But willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

[Sanchez_Mareno]

Re: Joke Thread

lol nice one

[AussieChiefsFan]

Re: Joke Thread

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[~LiverpoolRed~]

Re: Joke Thread

It was the happiest day of my life. I arrived at church, wife was waiting at the alter. I walked up the aisle I kissed her on the cheek and smiled. Then I closed the lid.

[mgoblue]

Re: Joke Thread

Not really true, but amusing:

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a British
Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95. Radio
conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations. 10 - 10 - 95:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA. THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER- MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

[CMH]

Re: Joke Thread

It was the happiest day of my life. I arrived at church, wife was waiting at the alter. I walked up the aisle I kissed her on the cheek and smiled. Then I closed the lid.

I read this three times, each time thinking to myself: "But it's a wedding!"

Then I read it a fourth time and realized it never says it is. The things words can do to your mind.

[l3ulvl]

Re: Joke Thread

Yeah I had to read it a couple times to figure out what was going on.