Joke Thread

[l3ulvl]

Re: Joke Thread

Okay... be prepared. This one is a little long.

Spoiler

Johnny was running late for school one morning and the teacher said "I won't send you to the principal's office if you can tell me the capitol of Zimbabwe." Johnny replied "I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe." So the teacher sent him to the principal.

The principal looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me here." The Principal looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'll have to send you to the Superintendant."

The Superintendant looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal who sent me here." The Mayor looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'll have to send you to the Mayor."

The Mayor looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me here." The Mayor looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'll have to send you to the Iowa House of Representatives."

The Iowa House Majority Leader looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me here." The House Majority Leader looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'll have to send you to the Iowa Senate."

The Vice Governor of Iowa looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me to the Iowa House, who sent me here." The Vice Governorlooked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'll have to send you to Governor Branstad."

The Governor of Iowa, Terry Branstad looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me to the Iowa House, who sent me to the Iowa Senate, who sent me here." The Governor looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'm afraid I'll have to send you to the US House of Representatives."

The Speaker of the House looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me to the Iowa House, who sent me to the Iowa Senate, who sent me to the Governor, who sent me here." The Speaker of the house looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'm afraid I'll have to send you to the US Senate."

Vice President Biden looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me to the Iowa House, who sent me to the Iowa Senate, who sent me to the Governor, who sent me to the US House who sent me here." Biden looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'm afraid I'll have to send you to President Obama."

President Obama looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me to the Iowa House, who sent me to the Iowa Senate, who sent me to the Governor, who sent me to the US House, who sent me to the US Senate, who sent me here." Obama looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'm afraid I'll have to deport you."

So Johnny is on a plane out of the country and the pilot looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me to the Iowa House, who sent me to the Iowa Senate, who sent me to the Governor, who sent me to the US House, who sent me to the US Senate, who sent me to the president who deported me and that's why I'm here." The pilot looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'm afraid I'll have to kick you out of the plane."

So the pilot set Johnny up with a parachute and kicked him out of the plane. Johnny landed right on a pirate ship and the head pirate looked at Johnny and says "Argh, Well hi Johnny! What brings ye here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me to the Iowa House, who sent me to the Iowa Senate, who sent me to the Governor, who sent me to the US House, who sent me to the US Senate, who sent me to the president who deported me, and then the pilot kicked me out of the plane and that's why I'm here." The pirate captain looked at Johnny, shook his head and said " Argh, Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'm afraid I'll have to make ye walk the plank."

So the pirates made Johnny walk the plank and Johnny landed right in the middle of a pack of sharks. The head shark looked at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me to the Iowa House, who sent me to the Iowa Senate, who sent me to the Governor, who sent me to the US House, who sent me to the US Senate, who sent me to the president who deported me, and then the pilot kicked me out of the plane, I fell onto a pirate ship, they made me walk the plank and that's why I'm here." The head shark looked at Johnny, shook his head and said " Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'm afraid we'll have to eat you."

So Johnny swam away from the sharks as fast as he could and after a while he made it to land. He looked up and saw a sign that said "Capitol of Zimbabwe, 8 miles." So he darted across the road and Bam! he was hit by a truck. The moral of the story?

Spoiler

Look both ways before crossing the street.

Was anyone else expecting "This one is a little long" to be part of the joke?

[C the Lyte]

Re: Joke Thread

Was anyone else expecting "This one is a little long" to be part of the joke?

I was expecting 2 words and to my horror it turned into an essay.

Nice one though.

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

What did one snowman say to the other?

Spoiler

I smell carrots.

[mb625]

Re: Joke Thread

Was anyone else expecting "This one is a little long" to be part of the joke?

I was expecting 2 words and to my horror it turned into an essay.

Nice one though.

Honestly, it's even more fun to tell, because about when you get to the US House, people's annoyed expressions are just epicly funny to see.

[Buckeyes_Doc]

Re: Joke Thread

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband, "it's 3 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"What's your name?" asked the woman's husband. The stranger replied back, "Frank".

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.
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[~LiverpoolRed~]

Re: Joke Thread

Spoiler

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar, both getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down. "My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied. "What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!" The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex. When they get to her house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather, jet black dominatrix outfit. However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door. "What happened?", she said. "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?" He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and sh** in your purse. I'm done."

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

As only could be told by Steven Wright. Just listen to the audio.

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/sNzQEQjfYog" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[Buckeyes_Doc]

Re: Joke Thread

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.

You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?' Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his ****ing wife." <!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

[Fresh Tendrils]

Re: Joke Thread

What did one snowman say to the other?

Spoiler

I smell carrots.

Are you him?

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

Are you him?

Are you ... he.

(with apologies to the waiter in Scrooged)

[12]

Re: Joke Thread

A man walks in his front door after a long day of work. He takes off his shoes and sits down on the couch.

His wife comes into the room.

"Hey, get me a beer, it's about to start!" says the husband.

The wife rolls her eyes, but complies with her husband's request.

After a few minutes, the husband has drank his beer. He calls his wife into the living room.

"Hey, get me a beer, it's about to start!" says the husband.

The wife looks at him with an incredulous look, but again complies with the request.

This one goes down quicker, and the husband again calls to his wife.

"Hey, get me a beer, it's getting ready to start!" says the husband.

The wife has had enough.

"Get you ANOTHER beer? What do I look like to you, your maid? Your beer fetcher? I have been cleaning all day, I have done the laundry, I am cooking you dinner, I have watched the kids all day, and you expect me to get you ANOTHER beer?" asks the wife.

"Oh, sh*t. It's started," says the husband.

[Blzer]

Re: Joke Thread

Honestly, it's even more fun to tell, because about when you get to the US House, people's annoyed expressions are just epicly funny to see.

Speaking of which, there's a typo (I'll let you find it ). During the Superintendent paragraph, you use "Mayor" instead when he speaks his line about sending Johnny to the Mayor.

[mb625]

Re: Joke Thread

Speaking of which, there's a typo (I'll let you find it ). During the Superintendent paragraph, you use "Mayor" instead when he speaks his line about sending Johnny to the Mayor.

Fixed it. I'll chalk that one up to the fact that it was fairly late at night.

[Buckeyes_Doc]

Re: Joke Thread

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwords, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

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[Buckeyes_Doc]

Re: Joke Thread

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."