Joke Thread

[USNAggie44]

I haven't read them in a while, but the rocks one was hilarious, and i couldnt breathe after reading the one about weapons for sale. I gotta go back and read them. This guy is a genius.

I totally forgot about that one, that one was the best. "Look like a normal spoon right?" And "they'll be drinking hot lead"

[Blzer]

Re: Joke Thread

My grandpa forwarded these to me. As a teacher I thought they were pretty funny though:

Teacher vs. Student

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

Thread revival time (I'm sure some of you had already heard this one):

An 1800's pirate ship ventured too close to British waters prompting a response from the Brits. The lookout shouted down to the captain, "A British battle ship approaches on the starboard side!!" Quickly the captain instructs his 1st mate, "get me my red shirt!". The battle ensues, hand-to-hand combat, and the pirates emerge victorious.

After the fight, the 1st mate asks his captain "why did you ask for your red shirt?" The captain replies, "well, during a sword fight, should I become injured, I don't want the rest of the crew to see their captain hurt and damage the morale." The 1st mate compliments his captain on his strategy.

Two hours later the lookout yells again down to the captain from his perch, "The entire British Armada is descending quickly upon us!!".

Quickly the captain instructs his 1st mate...

Spoiler

"Get me my brown pants!!"

[travisSUNS]

Re: Joke Thread

I recently heard this one

A man goes to the doctor complaining of terrible headaches. The doctor examines him and says "I can see your problem, your balls are pushing against your spine, hence the headaches". The man feels releived the problem is so simple, until the doctor tells him that the only cure his to have his balls chopped off. Reluctantly he agrees, and a few weeks later comes out of hospital feeling very depressed. To cheer himself up he decides to buy himself some new clothes. As he walks into the shop the assistant asks him if he would like some new shoes. The man replies yes and without asking the assistant brings the man the correct size pair off shoes. The man is perplexed by this so the shopkeeper explains that he can gauge his shoe size by experience alone. The assistant then asks the man if he would like a new shirt, and once again brings him a shirt with the right collar size without asking. Amazed; the man is asked if he would like some new underwear, the shop assistant brings him a pair of briefs with a waist size of 32 inches. The man laughs and says, " Aha I knew I would catch you out, I have been a size 30 inch waist for the past 5 years" The shop keeper replies "No sir that is far too tight, they will push your balls against your spine and give you terrible headaches!"

[Buckeyes_Doc]

Re: Joke Thread

I took Viagra for my sunburn.



It doesnt cure it, but it helps keep the sheets off my legs at night.

[DaveDQ]

Re: Joke Thread

I took Viagra for my sunburn.



It doesnt cure it, but it helps keep the sheets off my legs at night.

I picture Rodney Dangerfield saying this.

[Happy29]

Re: Joke Thread

I was driving today and I saw this dude walking down the road he didn’t look in to good of shape so I pulled up to see if he wanted a ride and asked him where he was coming from and he told me he was running away from his daddy’s house because his daddy beat him everyday so I said to him why don’t I take you over to your mommas house and he said naw my momma beats me too so I said young man where can I take you to where nobody’s going to beat you he said well i was headed down to auburn cause somebody told me they dont beat nobody down there

[TripleCrown9]

Re: Joke Thread

I was driving today and I saw this dude walking down the road he didn’t look in to good of shape so I pulled up to see if he wanted a ride and asked him where he was coming from and he told me he was running away from his daddy’s house because his daddy beat him everyday so I said to him why don’t I take you over to your mommas house and he said naw my momma beats me too so I said young man where can I take you to where nobody’s going to beat you he said well i was headed down to auburn cause somebody told me they dont beat nobody down there

I feel like this joke would've been funnier in like, the 70s.

[DaveDQ]

Re: Joke Thread

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

- Steven Wright

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

McGillicuddy was entertaining the usual lot at his bar, when one of his patrons asked, "McGillicuddy, where did you get this beautiful bar?" McGillicuddy replied, "You see this bar? I made this bar. It's all hand-crafted. I sanded the wood for hours upon end. Manually carved all of the detail work. Applied 4 coats of varnish and custom cut the glass. But am I known as 'McGillicuddy the bar maker?' No."

"Now come outside guys. Do you see this stoneface on the front of my bar? I did this all myself by hand. I chiseled each stone so they would interlock perfectly; mixed the cement and laid each stone piece by piece. But am I known as 'McGillicuddy the brick layer?' No."

"Now come behind the building and look out at the pier. Do you see that pier? A friend and I made the pier. We milled and treated all the lumber; drilled the holes and set the posts and put every board in by hand. 'But am I known as 'McGillicuddy the pier maker? no."

Spoiler

"You screw ONE friggin' goat......"

[l3ulvl]

Re: Joke Thread

Michigan football.

[Quint75]

Re: Joke Thread

Michigan football.

It hurts. It hurts so bad.

[Happy29]

Re: Joke Thread

A husband and wife are shopping in their local grocery store. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

Man....thought the McGillicutty joke was pretty good when I heard it

Ok....let's try this one:


A blonde teenager finally got the nerve to tell her father that she got pregnant from a date she had a few weeks ago with her boyfriend at the drive-in movie. Upon hearing this her father was highly pissed, stomping around the room ranting and raving at her, "WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU!?! WE TAUGHT YOU BETTER THAN THAT!!! WHERE IN THE WORLD WAS YOUR HEAD??


She replied, "under the steering wheel."

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

Just got this in my e-mail... pretty good.



Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Spoiler

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."